Possibilities

Finally, the sun was visible through the clouds. It had been a while since I had felt the warmth of the sun’s rays on my pale skin. The windows were down, and the warm air was coming through as I drove down the interstate. My brunette hair was blowing in the wind. It was freeing. This was the day I officially moved back to my home town to start over.

It had been far too long since I had been home. It was time to move on despite the painful memories I was leaving behind. Four years. Four long years I gave to him. Most people would say a separation like this tore them apart and ruined them for good. I was destroyed at first, but I later came to my senses. I was willing to give it my all at the time. Well, I did.

He took a different route. I was gone too much with work to matter much to him. I did not “satisfy his needs.” I believe that is how he put it while he helped his blonde friend find her clothing. The past two years have been difficult. My parents and younger brother were killed in a deadly crash leaving me quite alone. My family was not too close. I knew I had aunts and uncles, but I had not spoken to them in years.

I dealt with the grief on my own. As much as he wanted to blame me for us growing apart, he was gone with work too. Being a nurse does not allow much time for home life. I understood because it was his passion to help others. He just did not have a passion for helping me. We started to grow apart two years ago but I did not want to admit it. I had already given two years of my life to him. Two more years down the road, I realized I should have ended it then.

Everyone has regrets. He was mine. I gave up more than I should have for a life with him. In the beginning, he was more than I could have asked for. We met during my junior year of college. We quickly started dating and he gave me hope that we could have a wonderful life with kids and a house. He was three years older than me and much more experienced. He knew what to say and when to say it. He changed when I graduated two years later. My success seemed to threaten him.

I received a job offer two cities over with a large starting salary. He did not seem very happy with the job. I think it was because I would have made more than him. Before I could give my answer to the company, he told me he had already put in a request to transfer to another hospital in the opposite direction. I had no opportunity to work there, but he wanted me with him. I agreed.

This is what I regret most. If I had stayed, maybe my family would still be here. They were on their way to visit me when the drunk driver hit them. If I had stayed, maybe I would not be so alone. If I had stayed, maybe I would have had a different life.

I drove through town remembering all the fun times I had with my brother growing up. The park where we sat and ate snow cones was coming up on my right. The high school was coming up on my left. The streets looked so familiar as I drove through my old neighborhood. My eyes began to tear up and my throat became tight. I was not going to cry though. I did not do that sort of thing. It was a sign of weakness.

I found out a long time ago that crying did nothing. It did not make people understand you or help them hear you any better. It did not fix the situation at all. So, I stopped. I stopped and pushed harder. I “dealt” with things on my own.

I came to a stop in my parents’ driveway. I had used some of the money I inherited to renovate the home. It needed a lot of work and my family was never wealthy. I had some need-to-do items and I had some luxury items completed. The house was paid off so I did not have to worry about paying the mortgage. This would be the first time I stepped into the home since they had passed. I just paid the contractors and let it go.

I took a deep breath as I grabbed my purse, took the keys out of the car, and got out. I closed the door to my car and walked up to the front door. My mom’s flowery welcoming mat laid there, faded. I made a mental note to replace it as soon as possible. I took a deep breath before putting the key in the lock. I let the door swing open, creaking along the way.

Looking at the home now, I would not be able to tell it was the same home I grew up in. My family never moved, and my mom rarely changed her decorations. I had changed everything. I mean everything. The walls had been repainted, the kitchen reorganized, and the railing along the stairs had been replaced. All the furnishings and decorations had been replaced as well. Every piece of evidence my family had been there was gone. I needed it this way. The home had the same foundation, but I needed a new beginning. I took a moment to soak in what I saw, smelled, and felt before going out to the car to get the rest of my things. I had enough belongings to fill my car, but not enough to need two. The furniture had all been his. Looking back now, he made it a point to not mix his possessions with mine. I should have known.

I locked my car and the front door after bringing in the last box. I did not know where to begin. I decided cleaning would be the best idea. I turned on my music through my phone and began. The dusting took longer than expected, but I did not mind. There was nowhere else for me to be tonight. I quickly put my clothes away to get to the most important part of my move: my books. I packed these carefully on the living room shelves. The rest could wait for later since there were only a couple of boxes left. My movie collection was almost as large as my book collection and decided I simply did not have the mental capacity to do anymore. I sat down on the couch to take a quick break and was pleased with all I saw. Other than my few personal items, the whole home was furnished and decorated: complete.

Since I had never been to the house after the renovation, I wanted to take it all in. The whole home had a modern theme to it, but with comfortable furnishings which made it feel cozy. I decided to decorate with relatively neutral colors such as grey, black, and white, but I also added some red and blue for different rooms. The kitchen and bathrooms had the splashes of red while the living spaces focused on the blue accents. It was comfortable and it made me happy. I felt relief and comfort for the first time in so long.

I went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee before realizing the problem. I had nothing to eat. Great, I thought to myself.

I grabbed my keys and purse before heading out the door again. There was no need to make a list because I needed everything. My wallet would feel much lighter, but it was necessary. I headed straight to the grocery store. I was about to go to the check-out before I realized what was missing. One of my favorite meals was pancakes, eggs, and bacon. I just had to get the right pancake mix. While in the aisle, I realized my favorite mix was out of stock. I took a few steps back to make sure there were no boxes that had been pushed back. I smiled with joy to see my box up on the top shelf.

This brought me to my next problem: I was far too short to reach the pancake mix. My whole life, I was shorter than most people and found it was rarely a serious problem. Today, however, it was a serious problem. I did a few hops hoping no one would notice. On my last try, I saw a hand reach up and grab the pancake mix. I froze.

I turned my head to my right, my right arm still up in the air reaching for the box. Standing next to me was a tall, muscular man in light jeans that fit like joggers. He had white sneakers and a black hoodie on. His brown hair matched his brown eyes which sparkled with amusement. He laughed slightly before handing me the pancake mix in my still reaching right arm.

“Thank you, Kayden,” I said politely, turning to put the mix into my cart. How embarrassing, I think to myself. Kayden Williams, a friend from college stood next to me. He was one of my best friends before we slowly drifted apart.

“Not a problem, Ava. I haven’t seen you around in a couple years. How have you been?” He asked.

“I’m getting by,” I reply shyly.

“It’s really nice to see you. Are you back in town or are you just visiting?” Kayden paused and looked panicked before saying, “I’m sorry, Ava. I forgot about your family. You probably won’t be around for long.”

“Actually, I renovated their old place. They left it to me when they passed away. I will be living there for a while,” I replied with a smile, showing him he did not upset me.

“Oh! We should catch up then! I was actually planning on meeting up with Avery and Justin later. Would you like to join?” Kayden asked with a smile. I smiled back. His smile was infectious, and I could not help it. I missed this. I missed my friends. Under normal circumstances, I would have jumped at the chance to see them all again. Today I needed to be alone.

“I just moved in today. I’m exhausted and not really up to it right now. Can I take a rain check?” I asked, slightly increasing pitch towards the end of my question.

He laughed, “Of course. If I had known you were coming back, I would have offered my help.” He took a step back and slightly moved his body to turn around and walk the other way down the aisle. “I’ll text you and we can catch up sometime. All of us. Avery and Justin would love to see you again. Justin is dating Haley by the way.”

“No kidding? How? They hated each other not two years ago!” I replied shocked.

“Turns out she liked him the whole time but wanted him to grow up first. He was a complete pushover and she needed someone to take charge. Once he started standing up for himself, she told him the truth,” he replied laughing. Justin had followed Haley around like a little puppy all through college. She barely showed him the time of day and he eventually gave up. He decided she was not worth the time if she did not notice how awesome he was. I chuckled at this news.

“Well, I’m happy for him,” I reply before turning back to my cart.

“Yeah, I’ll see you around, Ava!” He raised his voice as he walked farther down the aisle.

“Yeah, see you!” I shout after him.

I took my items to the check-out and left as quickly as I could. I loved seeing Kayden, but I also wanted to take a shower before any of my old friends could notice me. I quickly brought in the groceries and began to make myself some grilled cheese and tomato soup. I also make my cup of coffee. Most people drink coffee to keep them awake while I drink coffee for the taste. It is one of my comfort foods. Like hot chocolate, it makes me warm and cozy. Perfect time to read, I think to myself. After eating my dinner, I sit down with my coffee and open Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. This was my favorite series. If I needed a pick-me-up, I could always count on my books. They are more reliable than people, always there and ready to tell me stories. I started to drift off to sleep as I held my book in my hands. The book started to fall off my lap when I was jolted awake from my phone buzzing at me. The text was from an unknown number, but I opened it.

“Hey, Ava. This is Kayden. I wasn’t sure if you still had my number. I know he made you delete all of our numbers, but I thought I would give this a shot. We are getting together at my place tomorrow for a movie night. We would love to see you there. Let me know! Hot chocolate provided!” the text read.

I smiled at my phone before replying, “You bet! Send me the address and tell me a time.”

I put the phone down and decided it was time for some sleep. I chose to keep a living room light on. This was usual for me now. I was not particularly fond of the dark anymore. I kept my nightstand light on too. Today was not the day to make too many changes. I took a few deep breaths as I got into bed that night. Slowly, my breathing became normal and my heartbeat was calmer. Sleeping was the hardest. It took a while for me to feel drowsy again. This will go away someday...right?

I often told myself this lie to push me to the next day. As I drifted off to sleep, I could not help the doubt that crept into my mind. It is never a guarantee.