Fool That I Am

By Tyrøne

This book is pure satire and has little to no accuracy to historical events.

“What shall I do?” Asked Diogenes Laërtius of Sinop on Yahoo Answers.

The answers were of no use.

His father Hicesias had given him his trust and the people’s money.

Hicesias wished for his son to become a respected banker like himself.

But was Diogenes not to adulterate the money for his own gain?

The businessmen all encouraged him to do so.

The youngling was amused by the temptation.

Later on Hicesias was falsely caught and sentenced to life imprisonment under the court.

Diogenes, overwhelmed by great sorrow from having brought such a horrendous fate upon his dear father and having lost his family home, searched the web to see what he must do with the remaining money in his bank account.

He came across an article from TheOracle.com:

Alter the currency!

It’s clear that digital currency is on the rise.

But out of all the currencies available on the market it seems hard to know which one to invest in.

Many people are investing in bitcoin because…

He didn’t pay attention to the whole article but only the headline.

Hmmm alter the currency… he thought.

“I know what I must do.” He said to himself.

He decided that he wanted to leave Turkey before the authorities caught on to his crime so he immigrated to Greece.

After walking out of the airport at Athens, the capital of Greece, he threw his phone away along with his wallet and his clothes leaving him only with his white shorts on.

He held onto a glass bowl, which was the only baggage he brought with himself, and made his way towards a random direction.

In his way people looked at him pass by, naked with a bowl in one hand, as if they saw an alien.

He noticed a mouse running about on the ground, not looking for a place to lie down in, not afraid of the dark, not seeking any of the things that are considered dainties, and he started to philosophize.

That is where the story of our modern Diogenes truly begins.

He looked around.

Tall buildings, people passing by each other, mostly with headphones in their ears or looking at their phones, commercials of useless products on screens all around the city, he felt disgusted by the consumerism and all the people’s pruderies.

He wanted not only to be remembered but to teach these people the true meaning of virtue.

The only real commonwealth is the whole world.

He walked around in the streets of Athens, begging people for money, he would thank the ones that shared, and flip off the ones that did not.

Go about with your middle finger up and people will say you're daft; go about with your little finger out, and they will cultivate your acquaintance.

Many people walked past him with their heads in their phones, unaware of the reality around them.

To those he would shout: “Avast! Put down thy phones! Have you not seen the world around you? Why must you bury your minds in ψευδαισθήσεις?”

Nobody paid much attention to him.

As he walked he saw a young peasant boy drinking water from a puddle with his hands.

He raised his glass bowl and threw it onto the ground, shattering it into pieces.

He then exclaimed: “Fool that I am, to have been carrying superfluous baggage all this time!”

He often starved but when he made enough money he would buy food at supermarkets and start to feast right there and then.

Many times he would get thrown out by security guards.

He believed that man has complicated every simple gift of the gods.

He would befriend the many stray cats and few dogs amongst the streets.

We are not as hardy, free, or accomplished as animals.

He bought a flashlight and started walking amongst the people, holding it, turned on, in his hand, in broad daylight, repeatedly saying: “I am looking for a man.”

He never found one.

People started recording him and he gained attraction on the internet and the news.

People started calling him O Kλoιóς.

When people called him out as a dog he would take off his shorts and piss on them.

“Why must you be surprised by what I’ve done, when you acknowledge me as a dog?” He would say to them.

He would preach for people to learn the pleasure of despising pleasure.

To own nothing is the beginning of happiness, to reach the χατà φúσιν.

“I have come to debase the currency, all things belong to the gods.”

He would masturbate in public when he felt the desire.

“If only I could free myself from hunger as easily as from

desire. The stomach is our life's Charybdis.”

The police would run after him in an attempt to capture him for his acts.

Once he was confronted by the immigration authorities, they asked him for his identification.

He simply responded: “I am a citizen of the world.” And ran off.

He heard of the great Plato who was a well known philosophy teacher in the National and Kapodistrian University of Athens.

He sparked an interest in Plato.

Plato would refer to the definition of man as featherless bipeds during his lectures.

In the middle of one of Plato’s lectures, Diogenes burst through the doors to the conference room, when the guards tried to stop him he shouted: “There is no baton hard enough to drive me away from a man from whom I can learn something.”

He had plucked a chicken featherless and he held the chicken high as he burst through the doors facing Plato he loudly said: “Behold! I've brought you a man.”

The guards caught onto him and tackled him but before they could take him away Plato stopped them and called them off.

Facing Diogenes he spoke to him: “You are Diogenes. The one whom they call the dog.”

“Indeed I am.”

—You have made quite a reputation for yourself as the laughing stock of Athens and perhaps maybe even the entirety of Greece.

—They laugh at me, but I am not laughed at.

From then they became acquaintances and had many conversations.

The academy added, with broad flat nails to the definition of man.

—Do you ever feel envious towards men with possession?

—Watching a mouse can cure you of jealousy of others' good fortune.

—What do you think of Eukleidos?

—Eukleidos' lectures limp and sprawl, yours are tedious, tragedies are quarrels before an audience, and politicians are magnified butlers.

—What are your thoughts on life?

—To live is not itself an evil, as has been claimed, but to lead a worthless life is.

—If you would’ve gone to Sicilian court as you were invited; you wouldn’t have to wash lettuce for a living.

—If you washed lettuce for a living; you wouldn't have had to go to the Sicilian court. Philosophy can turn a young man from the love of a beautiful body, to the love of a beautiful mind.

—Primeminister Aristotle is wise. Why must you think otherwise?

—Aristotle dines at president Philip's convenience, Diogenes at his own.

—Why must you be so harsh?

—Of what use is a philosopher who doesn't hurt anybody's feelings?

—You despise possession too much.

—Everything is of one substance. It is custom, not reason, that sets the temple apart from the house, mutton from human flesh for the table, bread from vegetable, vegetable from meat. The contest that should be for truth and virtue is for sway, and belongings instead.

—What has turned you this way?

—I learned from the mice how to get along: no rent, no taxes,

no grocery bill.

—Why must Diogenes live the way he does?

—The porches and streets of Athens were built for me as a

place to live. Against fate I put courage; against custom, nature; against passion, reason.

—And so the manager left the company and the CEO went broke. What do you think of this matter?

—It is absurd to bring back a manager when they quit. If a manager can survive without a CEO, is it not awful to admit that the CEO cannot live without the manager?

—Men own their pets do they not?

—A man keeps and feeds a pet. The pet owns a man. The art of being a slave is to rule one's master.

—Do you believe that you are free?

—I am Athens' one free man.

—What would be your death wish?

—Throw me to the wolves; I’m used to it.

—How’d you like to be buried then?

—Bury me prone; I have always faced the other way.

—How proud you are of not being proud.

—There is pride and pride.

—Why the flashlight?

—Even with a flashlight in broad daylight I cannot find an honest man.

—Why is that?

—People are more curious about the meaning of dreams than about things they see when awake. Discourse on virtue and they pass by in droves, whistle and dance the shimmy, and you've got an audience. After grace and a prayer for health, the banqueters set to and eat themselves into an apoplexy.

—Should I not punish those who failed this semester?

—Why not whip the teacher when the student misbehaves?

—Did you enjoy the festival?

—Every day's a festival to the upright.

—They say you are only an ignorant wannabe philosopher. They criticize you harshly.

—If, as they say, I am only an ignorant man trying to be a philosopher, then that may be what a philosopher is.

—Is there anything nice you see in humanity?

—The greatest beauty of mankind is frankness.

—And what about education?

—Education disciplines the young, comforts the old, is the wealth of the poor, and civilizes the rich.

—How do you think children should be raised?

—Teach them poetry, history, and philosophy. Geometry and music are not essential, and can be learned later. Teach them to drive, to shoot a true gun, to master it. At the gymnasium they should exercise only so much as it gives them a good color and a trim body. Teach them to wait upon themselves at home, and to enjoy ordinary food, and to drink water rather than wine. Crop their hair close. No ornaments. Have them wear a thin smock, go barefoot, be silent, and never gawk at people on the street.

—What is happiness?

—Happy the man who thinks to marry and changes his mind, who plans a voyage he does not take, who runs for office but withdraws his name, who wants to belong to the circle of an influential man, but is excluded.

—Thoughts on women?

—I have seen the victor Dioxippos subdue all contenders at his gameshow and be thrown on his back by the glance of a girl. To a woman who had flopped down before an altar with her butt in the air, I remarked in passing that the god was also behind her.

—Why must you hate the rich?

—Love of money is the marketplace for every evil. The luxurious have made frugality an affliction. The ignorant rich, sheep with golden fleeces. In the rich man's house there is no place to spit but in his face.

—Why must you beg?

—It is not for charity but my salary that I beg in the streets.

—Why must Diogenes believe in gods?

—There are gods. How else can you explain people like Lysias the apothecary on whom the gods have so obviously turned their backs?

—Hashtag blessed am I right?

—You are not funny Plato.

—What are your thoughts about me?

—People who talk well but do nothing are like musical instruments; the sound is all they have to offer.

—Damn.

—You beg too, but like Telemakhos conversing with Athena, with lowered head, so that others may not overhear.

—And what of my philosophy then?

—Your philosophy is an endless conversation.

—Can you stop doing that?

—You wince when I track dust across your rugs; you know that I'm walking on your vanity.

—You haven’t touched your coffee yet, is it cold? Do you want another?

—I've seen your cups and table, but not your cupness and

tableness.

—Hahaha! You’d remind me of Socrates if only he had gone mad.

They had many more conversations.

Plato would record his curious conversations with Diogenes and upload them to his YouTube channel.

“Hey guys! Welcome to another philosophy talk with yours truly, Plato! Today I’m here with the most beloved and the most hated guest here on our channel, Diogenes! Don’t forget that your likes and subscriptions don’t actually matter at all, but if you feel like doing so, then you can hit that notification bell and become part of the stoic gang! Say hi Dio!”

“Hello everybody. Plato, can we have some food first? I’m starving.”

Diogenes would roll around in burning sand on the hottest days of summer and in freezing snow on the coldest days of winter.

He did not see virtue in convenience.

He once encountered a young boy of a rich family who confronted him and called him a peasant for his way of life.

“Aren't you ashamed?” He said to the prissy young man, “To assume a lower rank in nature than you were given?”

The youngling insulted him.

“Be careful that your pomade doesn't cause the rest of you

to stink.”

“How dare you insult me!” The youngling shouted with anger.

“We can only explain you, young man, by assuming that your father was drunk the night he begot you.”

The boy turned his right hand into a fist and threw a punch at Diogenes.

He dodged his fist and told him: “I was once as young and silly as you are now, but I doubt if you will become as old and wise as I am.”

Then he walked away.

As he gained more and more fame whilst he got older, people would ask him why he hadn’t given up on philosophy in such an old age.

“Give up philosophy because I'm an old man? It's at the end of a race that you break into a burst of speed.” He would answer.

He decided to travel to Aegina but was captured by a group of mafia and when they asked him his trade he replied that he knew no trade but that of governing men.

Having found him of no worth, the gang blindfolded him and dropped him off in Corinth.

There he kept on living his way of life and thus the word got around that the dog had traveled and now lived amongst the streets of Corinth.

Having been in Corinth at the time, Alexander, a celebrity superstar who went by Alexander the great, wished to meet the brilliant philosopher he had heard of and so he paid him a visit.

When he found Diogenes lying on the ground in a corner, he stood in front of him and began to speak with thrill: “I am Alexander the great.”

“I am Diogenes the dog.”

—The dog?

—I nuzzle the kind, bark at the greedy, and bite louts.

—Can Alexander do anything for you?

—Yes, stand out of my sunlight.

—If I were not Alexander, then I should wish to be Diogenes.

—And if I were not Diogenes, I would still wish to be Diogenes.

Near the ends of his life Diogenes wished to become a master.

Xeniades liked his spirit and hired Diogenes to tutor his children.

He lived in Corinth for the rest of his life until he decided that it was his time.

He was asked how he wished to be buried.

He replied that he wished to be thrown into the forests so wild animals could feast on his body.

He was asked if he truly wished such a thing.

To which he replied: “As long as you provide me with a stick to chase the creatures away.”

He was asked once more, how he could use the stick to survive since he would lack awareness.

He replied: “If I’m to lack awareness, then why should I care what happens to me when I am dead?”

Later on he held his breath until Diogenes was no more.