Chapter One: Can’t Happen
The hushed murmurs and sly remarks received from each individual as I walked past them to my locker was an everyday appetizer of the events to come for that day. No one cared about your feelings, just what you were, how much money your parents made, and if you were popular.
If you obtained none of the three characteristics above then the only reason you mattered to “them” was to be the floor of every joke, and the ceiling of every misguided prank.
It was tiresome to see the generation right before me recede to such lengths to embarrass and provoke innocent bystanders of their misplaced anger and aggression. It was clear what they needed was attention, but I wasn’t going to be the one to give it to them.
But I only had to withstand their judgmental stares and callous remarks for so long.
Since I can remember I had been called every name there was for being a Christian, who believed in and loved Christ. They automatically assume because I’m a Christian that I carry a wooden cross in my backpack, that I’m a virgin (which I am, but still not the point), and that I carry holy water.
All assumptions of which are narrow-minded and subjective.
Heading to class was about the same as any other day.
After I proceeded to ignore comments and awkward gawking, I tossed my books in hand, closed the door to my locker and headed to my first period class, which was Mr. Weathers, my AP Literature teacher.
Head hanging low as I walked through the aisles of school desks to finally land on the last row in the back of the classroom.
I find that even though it is merely impossible to avoid confrontation at this school, it is beyond possible to be invisible to “them” when convenient for them and inconvenient for you.
I have become known as the Jesus freak and the teacher’s pet of any classroom, but keeping my head hung low, avoiding eye contact, and praying to God (literally of course) that I don’t draw attention helps some days.
Some days it works, most days it doesn’t. Hopefully today will be the day it does work, because I’m really not in the mood today, I didn’t get much rest last night planning and studying for my AP Stat test.
Head staring straight ahead at the dry erase board, then slowly moving my eyes toward Mr. Weathers to pay attention to his instructions for today’s assignments. “For those of you that decided you had more important things to do than your homework for this class, you may want to alter your priorities or you’re going to fail this class.” Mr. Weathers said. “Row by row, please come up and place your homework that’s due today from last week in the paper tray and take your seat.”
Thank God I finished this homework when it was assigned, I was so swamped with planning our annual church fundraiser and studying that I would’ve forgotten to complete it last night.
I mean it isn’t ideal to have a sixteen year old plan an annual popular event hosted by my church, but when your mom is your Pastor’s advisor and your dad is one of the ministers in the church…then responsibility automatically falls into your lap.
I can’t say that I don’t enjoy planning though, it’s one thing that I look forward to, it’s the one thing besides God that I can truly depend on to keep me sane no matter what happens. It’s my way of escape, being able to control the outcome of something’s helps when I can’t control people and my own life.
“Today you guys will be reading page 167 in your textbooks, and will be responding to the text questions on page 172.” Mr. Weathers stated as he walked around to his chair behind his desk. “Today will contain a little less work since I am to grade your homework, but do not get used to this treatment just because the end of the year is nearing. Tomorrow everyone will be engaging in the discussion of the most famous impactful works of literature in history.”
That discussion will not be difficult for me at all. I live and breathe Hemingway and Jane Austen. Both of whose works I find to be quite liberating and profound.
But…then I begin to think about all the eyes that would be on me during the discussion…and I begin to panic and hyperventilate right in the middle of class.
I hated attention. I hated being front and center, and believe it or not these panic attacks happened quite often when I’m put on the spot or when I’m getting ready to be put on the spot. An attack hadn’t happened in a while.
This is why I prefer not to be seen or heard. It’s why I don’t respond to questions that are asked and I don’t raise my hand. I just take notes, read the material, study hard, do my homework, and pass each test and pop quiz given.
I mean it isn’t hard to ace a class when you pay attention. But apparently it is extremely hard for me to not panic right in the middle of it.
As I looked up I begin to notice that all eyes were on me and everyone begin whispering yet again. Which caused my breathing to worsen.
“M-m-m-may I b-be excused p-please Mr. —” But before I could finish “Of course, Ms. Copin.” Mr Weather's said. As he looked at me with sincere concern. “T-thank you, Sir.” As I stood up practically speed walking out of the classroom, and then down the hall and outside to get some fresh air.
But just as I was getting ready to push open the door, the door flung open. And the force that I was going to use to open the door ended up knocking me into “him”. Which then caused me to topple over. As I braced myself for the concrete, he caught me in his arms. It looked like a scene from any romance book you read about. Or that you hear your romantic friends fantasizing about.
However, this someone I always avoided on purpose. He’s someone I didn’t need to get involved with or have feelings for, someone that my parents would consider a really bad influence on my “Christian character”.
But I know that God wants us to love and accept everyone, and not judge people.
Now I know what you’re thinking, but let me say this…avoiding people because of their harsh personalities isn’t the same as judging.
“You okay?” He asked looking deep in my eyes as he lifted me up back into standing position. “Yeah I’m fine.” As I cleared my throat and fixed my hair. As I look into his ocean blue eyes.
How is it possible I’ve seen him around school and have never really noticed the color of his eyes.
Clearing his throat to speak, “so why aren’t you in class? There’s no way you got kicked out, so what is it.” He said with an inquisitive stare, looking me up and down. “Well, I needed to get some air, the classroom was becoming very small and the air I was breathing even smaller, so I need to get out of there.” I said looking down at my feet to keep from staring into his eyes. “I totally get that, one of those moments where you feel like if you don’t get away the moment may flatten you into a pancake or roadkill.” He said. “Yeah, one of those. I must admit it’s been a minute since I’ve had a moment like that. I’m beginning to think that I’ll never get over this phase of my life.” I said fighting the urge to look up at him.
But the next thing he said made it physically impossible. “You will get over it, you seem to have a great head on your shoulders. I haven’t seen anyone like you, so I think you’ll do just fine. I’m Cole by the way.” He says holding out his hand and rebutting everything I’ve ever heard about him in one conversation.
How is that even possible?!
“I-I-I’m Dalia, and I know your name, it’s hard not to. You make quite the impression on the teachers and students at this school.”
My mom would have had an aneurysm if she saw me here talking to a boy outside of class, let alone Cole Hudgins. Interrupting my thoughts, “Well, they say impressions are everything. And I knew your name too, you tend to make impressions as well, except yours are good and mine are more sinister.” He said smilingly in a “oh so bad” way.
Honestly, standing in this hallway speaking to Cole was not as bad as I thought my first encounter with him would be.
Yes I know I said judging isn’t a good thing for a Christian to do, but it’s really difficult when a guy like Cole with his popularity and reputation talks to you who has no reputation or friends and certainly no popularity.
I actually couldn’t believe that he knew my name, he hung with the “it” crowd and I definitely wasn’t on his radar, nor was I his “type” so why the friendliness.
He’d never talked to me before, ever, why now. “I have to get back to class, thanks for the save. See ya.” I said practically running back to my classroom, not giving him a chance to respond.
Luckily when I had came back to class when Mr. Weathers had already quieted down the class. Everyone was doing their homework. Which made it easy for me to slide to the back and into my seat.
Thank God I didn’t miss much talking to Cole. And that I was able to complete the reading assignment given to the class.
When finished with my work (which was always before everyone else) I sat back and begin to read Charles Dickens “Great Expectations”, but I couldn’t focus on the reading. All I could think about was Cole. His ocean blue eyes, his dark brown slicked back hair, and the conversation we shared in the hallway.
I must admit that my encounter with boys were and are very limited, I see many day to day when I’m in school, but as far as them talking to me or me sharing a conversation with them — it never happened. I have to say, not what I expected, and definitely not what I expected from Cole.
But hey everyone’s different around their friends right?
I mean I wouldn’t know of course, but I mean I couldn’t be that off base. As much as I watched friendships begin and quickly end at this school, it was like watching a drama high series…no seriously.
Sitting there at my desk deep in thought the bell for the next class rang, jolting me out of my loop of thoughts. Grabbing my things and quickly gliding by the students to leave the class before anyone could poke at what happened in class. “Don’t forget to prepare your perspective for tomorrow’s discussion. And everyone MUST participate, it is a part of your grade.” Mr. Weathers says as he looks at me in an apologetic way. But honestly it didn’t matter, I didn’t need his pity, definitely not in the front of them.
Colin was right, I am going to do great, because I do have a great head on my shoulders, a head that wants to succeed.
As I head out of Weather’s class, heading to my locker to place my AP Literature book back and grab my AP Psychology book I bump into Cole…again. “Starting to think that your superpower is avoiding things and people. But no matter, I’m walking you to class.” I look at him in complete and utter shock, approaching or talking to me in an empty hallway is one thing, but in front of every onlooker, that was unknown and unheard of.
Quite frankly this came from nowhere, I’d seen him several times around school, but until now it was like I didn’t exist. So, yet again it begs the question of why now. “I can walk myself to class, but thank you Cole. You should probably be trying to get to class yourself.” I say in looking up at him and walking towards the direction of my second period class. “I will, once I’ve walked you to your class, to make sure you don’t fall again of course.” He said smiling as he strode beside me, removing my book from my arms and placing it in his. “I am perfectly capable of walking, and that was not my fault. I didn’t see you, you came out of nowhere.” I said reaching for my book back. While he swerved my advance to get my book back.
“Well then I suppose it’s both of our faults, no matter…I’m still walking you to class. So get over it.” Smiling as if he were a Cheshire Cat. “Why are you doing this Cole, this is your first time talking to me in the two, almost three years I’ve been here.” I said genuinely wanting to hear the answer he was going to provide without sounding like well, for a lack of more sophisticated words…a douche. “I have no idea why I’m doing this, and you’re right I should have spoken to you sooner, I’m sorry.”
How could I be angry with an answer like that. He made it very difficult, not to mention he was using his ocean eyes and sweet smile to sway me in his favor.
But I have to admit it was working.
“Fine. Whatever, you can walk me to class. But, don’t think this will be an everyday thing — I’m capable of walking myself, I’m not a dog.” I said speed walking so I’m not late. “Noted, you’re not a dog. And this won’t become an everyday thing.” He said in a jokingly manner. But I still couldn’t help the scowl that escaped me when we made eye contact.
“Joking…just joking.” He said holding his hand up in surrender. “Come on, let’s just get to my class.” I said looking into his eyes again, not being able to help the butterflies that escape. “Yes ma’am.” He said not saying another word as we headed to my class.
This cannot happen, whatever is or is not happening here cannot happen. I have school to focus on, finals to focus on in the upcoming months, and church to devote my time to. This — Cole, can’t happen.
