Most Lovely Words

“Cancer.”

I stared numbly at my best friend of seven years. I didn’t want to believe it. I couldn’t believe it. Of course, I’d heard about how devastating cancer was, and how anyone could be a victim, but there was no way. How was it that someone so healthy, and young, had been diagnosed with cancer?

“Were they joking?” I asked, half choking back sobs and half expecting him to start laughing at his terrible joke.

“Five months.” He replied hollowly. “And that’s with chemo treatments.”

Words had left me, and I felt helpless. Cold wandered through my arms and neck, causing me to shiver. How was that possible? He’d been fine, right? Just last week, we’d hung out at the park together to go running for over a mile and a half. He hadn’t shown any signs of being sick, let alone that sick.

“Well, I...” I tried to find something good to say, but nothing came. Comfort him. I should comfort him, right? “Listen, why don’t we talk about this later? For now, we should take your mind off this.”

His eyes flashed up at me slightly, a small, forced smile curving his cheek. “Ok.”

“Why don’t we make a bucket list? Lots of people our age do that,” I suggested.

In truth, I was 22, and he was turning 23 in a little over four months. We were too young to be talking about things we wanted to do before we died, in my opinion. But, I couldn’t think of anything else that might take his mind off the pain. What can you possibly do to distract someone from remembering they’ve just been told they’re dying?

“Alright...” He agreed slowly. “But why don’t you go first?”

“Ok,” I said nervously. Rushing to think of something, I listed off three bucket list goals that seemed pretty standard. “Go to another country, get married, and... hm...” I couldn’t think of another, so I looked over to Bry for help.

“What? Aw, come on! Don’t tell me you’re all out of ideas?” He laughed, but the sound was dry and not his usual.

“Sorry, I can’t think of anything. So, what about you? What’s on your bucket list?”

“Me?” He looked down, letting out a small breath. “I want to live to see 23.”

“My God,” I blurted out. I hated myself for that, especially when I saw the small tears Bry blinked quickly from his eyes. Desperate to fix the mess I’d made, I spoke rapidly. “Oh, n-no, I just meant that- that it’s... I- I only mean... I’m so sorry...”

I cried as I grabbed him into a harsh hug that lasted minutes. He clung to me as I held him closer than I ever had before. Little did he know, I liked the scent of his cologne, and the soft feel of his hair, even the way that light seemed to make his eyes shine even more. I refused to imagine never having that again. I didn’t want to think about never holding him or not hearing his voice anymore. We had been so close for years that if anyone told me I was going to lose him, I would have laughed. I never once thought that one day he wouldn’t be around. I had gotten so used to his company that the idea of not having it was foreign to me in a way that burned my lungs and eyes.

The pain caused a hitch in my throat, and I noticed massive globs of tears falling from my eyes. No. No, no, no. It just can’t be real. I can’t lose my best friend. Not when I never got to tell him how much he meant to me. Not when he didn’t know that I...

“Kallie?” He whispered as we broke up our hug. “Sorry to drop this on you like that. I... I haven’t even told my mom yet. To be honest... I don’t know how to tell anybody.”

He glanced at me with a slight grimace before wiping a few tears away. I laid my hand on his, and the feel of his warm skin comforted my soul. Did he realize how precious he was? Did he know how happy he made me? Was now a good time to say the very thing I’d been keeping secret? I really care about you, Bry Taylor.

“Do you- Uh- need anything?” I asked awkwardly. “Like water, or?”

He smiled a bit before shaking his head. “No, and we’re not gonna start this.” He laid down, facing me. “You are not gonna treat me like a baby, Kallie Winters.”

In my small apartment bedroom, with a lamp on in the middle of the night, I lay on a blanket next to my best friend while talking about the end of his life. It was so hard to imagine something like this. I didn’t want to accept it. How could something so horrible happen to someone so good? How could cancer just... take someone who meant so much away? That’s not fair. But life isn’t fair, is it?

I heard the sound of Bry moving under the blanket next to me. He was staring at the ceiling, admiring the hourglass I’d painted on it when I first moved in.

“You were there, right? When the paint bucket fell and splashed all over my face?” He laughed genuinely.

“Ohh, God.” I laughed with him. “You had to keep washing your face for weeks.”

“The little things, right?” His voice was quiet, the sound barely there in the dim light.

“I remember. You were so mad. Thought it would never come off.” I swallowed, but I struggled to. New tears made their way to my eyes, and I felt my eyebrows furrow.

“You did too.” He replied. From the sound of his voice, I could tell he was dozing off. I looked at his face and saw his eyes start to drift closed.

“Hey, do you want to just... spend the night?” I asked gently.

“Yes.” He let out the word as though his life depended on it.

Bry fell asleep right after that, his breathing slowing and relaxed compared to when he’d been awake. I stared at the soft rise and fall of his chest, wondering how many heartbeats he had left. Wondering if I could count them fast enough to beat the clock. Wondering if maybe, just maybe, if I begged the doctor enough, I could save his life and give up mine.

I wanted to know what he dreamed about when he softly turned on his side and smiled just a little. I wondered if he knew how my heart started to flutter when he wrapped his arm around me and rested his head against mine in his sleep. If this was what losing someone meant, excruciating pain that hurt so much you can’t imagine being able to breathe, then I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I tried to control the sobs, fearing he might wake up because of the weight of my tears as I cried myself to sleep.

In the middle of the night, I woke up. The small lamp I’d bought recently was still on, so I carefully crawled out of Bry’s arm to turn it off. As I made my way back, I noticed the room had gone silent. There was no longer the sound of his breathing when I leaned close, and I panicked immediately when I saw his unmoving chest. I flipped him onto his back, feeling for a pulse. He’s fine. His heart is still beating.

“Bry?” I shook him, desperate to see him awake, just for a minute. “Wake up!”

When he didn’t answer me, I started to freak, my heart racing against my chest. I shook him harder, grief and pain searing my heart and eyes. I shook him again, and he took a sharp, deep breath before opening his eyes and glaring at me. At least he’s awake enough to be mad at me.

“Sorry,” I mumbled. “Y- you... I was... are you ok?”

“I’m fine.” He stated, sleepiness filling his voice. He yawned, sitting up on his elbows to look at me. “What happened.”

He must’ve known, as he felt no need to ask, that something had gone wrong. “You w- weren’t breathing and-” The next thing I knew, tears were gushing freely. I thought I’d lost you. “Are you ok?”

“Kallie, for fuck sake, I’m fine.” He said gently, placing his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to die. Yet.”

The heaviness in his words hit me fully then. I refused to accept it, yet I knew I couldn’t reject it. “You’re my best friend,” I stated, taking a tear-filled breath. “And it’s not... fair... it’s not...”

“It’s ok. You’re going to be ok.” He stroked my cheek lightly, wiping every tear that fell away. “Oh, my God, stop crying. You’re acting like that time in tenth grade when you broke your nose.”

“This hurts way worse,” I sobbed out, though a laugh somehow found its way in.

“Look,” He sat up fully, clearly now wide awake. “You have your whole life to live. You’ve got so many things you can still do. So stop wasting your time crying. Besides, I’m ok. I’m not in... pain. And I won’t be giving up that easy, so... you shouldn’t be giving up on me either.”

I nodded, staring deeply into his eyes. He was lying, that I could tell. He was in pain. He wouldn’t have gone to the doctor for a check-up if he was ‘ok.’ I’d known he must’ve been going through something, because he rarely ever begged me to call him or let him come over, and yet he’d done both today.

“You’ve got to live, Kallie.” He whispered lightly.

“Bry...” I began, but he cut me off.

“No, you don’t get to argue with me. Just... do that for me, will you?”

A fresh heap of tears fell as I shook my head. “Why should I get to live when you don’t?”

“Because! Your life has just as much meaning as mine! And I mean it, you better stop crying over me or...” He caught his breath, and I reached toward him.

“Or what?” I asked, scared I’d upset him too much.

“Or, Kallie Winters, I will haunt you, and I will be the biggest pain in the ass you’ve ever seen as a ghost.” He had gone a soft red, blotches covering his skin, and I let out a pained sigh.

“I don’t believe in that,” I said quietly, hoping to calm him. “I think we kind of... turn into new things. Maybe we become birds, bugs, or cute animals, or like... maybe you’ll die and become a deer. I could see that.”

“A deer? You think people become deers?” he asked, half in disbelief and half in exasperation.

“Mmm. Better than the alternative.”

“What? You don’t like ghosts?”

“No! They’re all slimy, and the ectoplasm! Just... ew!” I gagged, laughing as Bry made a face that reminded me of the time he’d gotten splashed with paint.

“I know just how I’ll haunt you.” He said decidedly.

“Oh, pray tell.” I challenged.

He jumped up, running to the bathroom sink and covering his arms and hands in soap. As he made his way toward me, I screamed out and ran toward the other end of my room. He cackled, making a moaning sound like they did in the old haunted house movies.

“Ooh, Kallie...” He bellowed out in a deep voice. “You didn’t wash your dishes!”

“Ahaha!” I tried to run away, but he grabbed me and began smearing the soap all over me. “Oh, gross, who’s gonna clean this up!”

He shrugged his shoulders, wearing a satisfied smirk on his face. I smiled at him as I shook my head, and I realized he’d just distracted me for a solid five minutes. After helping him clean his hands and arms, I stared at our small makeshift bed on the floor. It wasn’t comfortable, nor was it exactly awful, but Bry deserved better. I grabbed the pillow and blanket from Bry’s side and tossed it back onto my bed as he walked in.

“Take the bed. You should get some sleep.” I instructed him lightly as he gave me a confused frown.

He smiled, and did something I’d never expected. He walked up to me, blushed a light shade of pink, and spoke nervously. “I... had a lot of fun... thanks. Night, Kallie.”

As he crawled into my bed, a heated smile burst widely across my face. Had I helped him have fun? Sliding onto my makeshift bed beside him on the ground, I thought about what he’d said. You need to live, Kallie. But how could I? What about him? Didn’t he desire to live too? Without realizing it, I fell asleep with Bry lying nearby. It was the first time in years that we’d done this.

The next morning, I woke up to my bed already made, and Bry was gone. Checking my phone to see if he’d texted me he was leaving, I saw a call from my mom. I could call her back later. Getting up and walking into the living room, I saw Bry kneeling in the kitchen, quivering over the sink. I ran to him, putting my hands on his arms and shaking.

“Are you feeling alright? Do you need water or something? Should I call your doctor?” I asked in a single breath.

“Just need a minute, my head hurts,” he said through slightly clenched teeth.

“I- I’ll get you an aspirin,” I said without hesitation.

“It won’t... do anything,” he replied with pain. “Just... give me a sec, ok?”

I stayed beside him the entire hour that he stood there. I tried offering him a glass of cold water, but it slipped from his hands seconds after he took it. Shakily, he accepted the glass after I refilled it, and I led him to my couch.

“You should sit,” I said, helping him lay down on the sofa. “You sure you don’t want me to call or?”

“No. They won’t do anything. Chemo doesn’t start until next week.” He responded glumly. “Just wish this didn’t... suck so much.”

“I didn’t even know... I wish I’d known you were... how long has this been happening?” I asked cautiously, sitting beside him.

“A few years. My mom thought it might’ve been a tumor, so I went to a doctor who recommended a brain scan a couple of years ago, but... nothing turned up. It turns out she was right, but they didn’t look in the right area. And now... well, now it’s too late.”

“What made you... get tested?” I didn’t mean to pry, but it felt like I was learning about things I hadn’t heard about before.

“For a year, it went away. Then, for the last few weeks, it’s gotten much worse.” He explained. “It used to be I’d get tired and dizzy, my mom thought it was the fever but... now it’s pain, plus the dizziness, everywhere. Mostly my head but, that’s just a side effect of it.”

I brushed the hair out of his face, gently stroking his head as he closed his eyes. “If this helps, I’ll... wait, it’s not weird, right? We’re best friends, so... it’s ok with you, right?”

“Just... shut up...” He mumbled, but the words were full of the deep sleep he was falling into.

I kept stroking his soft, thick hair and tried to compose myself as my heart pounded rapidly. He’s ok; he’s going to be ok. The doctors will take care of him. Bry slept most of the morning, and I didn’t stop combing his hair for fear of waking him.