Gorgeous London

Scene 1:

The year is 2022. It’s January, and the school year is about to start in Western Sydney, Australia. Dave Edgely, a white, geeky high school senior is taking a walk around the local skatepark, with his two nerdy friends, Mac and Stewie, on a beautiful Sunday Morning.

Stewie: I still think it’s dangerous that we’re here. It’s like we’re in their territory.

Mac: Chill, dude.

Dave: Yeah. It’s the day before school starts. I’m sure nobody’s in the mood to start shit now.

Stewie: I just hope you guys are right.

[They see a very familiar group of eshays, in the distance]

Mac: Look, there they are.

Dave: (making intense eye contact with one of them) Yep. Zack Whitefish, our very own professional piece of shit retard, and his two bodyguards.

Stewie: Dave, seriously, don’t stare like that.

Dave: You know we’re gonna have to put an end to them, sooner or later.

Stewie: Hell fucking no! I don’t wanna fight them again this year. I just wanna survive.

Mac: As much as I’d like to kill them, I gotta agree with Stewie on this, man. I don’t wanna end up with my head flushed down the toilet again, like last year.

Dave: I don’t want that either, but this is the last year we’re gonna be spending in school. Our last chance to earn our respect, and our last chance to send those fuckwits to the hospital.

Mac: Mate, we already got our butts kicked multiple times. Stop being delusional.

Dave: Nobody’s being delusional. We have a whole year to learn how to fight... Or use weapons.

Stewie: Forget it, mate.

[Zack Whitefish, and his two friends, Fetty and Daku come closer]

Zack: (smug smile) Look who it is.

Dave: (stading up to Zack) What do you want, Whitefish?

Zack: Nothing, since I am in a good mood. But prepare yourself, Dave Edgely... This is gonna be the last year. (laughing) Starting tomorrow, you and your little friends will suffer the worst torture you’ve ever imagined suffering in your lives. If you think last year was bad, stay tuned.

Fetty: (confused) What, you’re gonna break their scooter?

Daku: Shh, don’t interrupt him when he’s trash talking.

Dave: Bring it on, you pussy!

Zack: Oh, I will... Hey, don’t call me a pussy!

Stewie: (terrified) G-guys, I’m scared.

[Zack tries to fight Dave, but his friends stop him]

Daku: Relax, lad. We got a whole year to take care of them.

Zack: ... Yeah. You right. It’ll be more eetswa, if we wait just one more day.

Fetty: Yeah, and I don’t wanna fight in my new TNs.

[Zack, Fetty and Daku walk away]

Dave: (shouting) Eetswa is not even a real word!

Mac: Yeah, hit ’em where it hurts. Their vocabulary.

Stewie: ... (sigh) I just don’t want this nightmare to start all over again, tomorrow.

Mac: Me neither, mate.

[Dave notices a beautiful girl in the distance. She’s polynesian, with long straight hair, and a very pretty face]

Mac: You just can’t get over her, can you?

Dave: Nope. Kyanna Rivers... The girl of my dreams.

Stewie: Mate, you’ve been in love with this girl for like what? 6 years? And you’ve done nothing.

Dave: Oh, this year will be different. Mark my words, guys. This year is the year I’m gonna grow some balls, and ask her out. This corona bullshit just reminded me how I shouldn’t waste a second.

Mac: Easier said than done.

Stewie: You really think she’ll go out with you? After how we’ve been humiliated by Zack and his boys?

Mac: Man’s got a point, mate.

Dave: Bruh, you guys don’t know her, do you? She’s not the stereotypical popular girl, who’s shallow as fuck, and won’t date guys because of some social status bullshit.

Mac: How do you know? You barely fucking talked to her, and you know her for more than half a decade.

Dave: She’s not like that, I just know it, okay?

[Kyanna passes by Zack, while Dave watches in the distance]

Zack: (whistles) Nice. To quote an internet legend, “you thicker than a bowl of oatmeal”.

Kyanna: ... Don’t you have anything else to do? Nothing’s gonna happen between you and me, Zack. Now go try to stick it in some other girl, while you and your friends bump Hooligan Hefs on your JBL speakers.

Zack: (grinning) That is true. You know me so well. But if you ever change your mind...

Kyanna: I won’t. Ever!

Zack: Okay, okay, message received... Eshayyyyy!

[Zack walks away]

Dave: (evil grin) Haha, he has no chance with her.

Stewie: And you think you do?

Dave: Hell yeah... Oh, look. She’s coming.

[Kyanna passes by]

Kyanna: Hi, boys.

Stewie and Mac: (nervously) H-hi.

Kyanna: And hi Dave.

Dave: Hi! Ready for school tomorrow?

Kyanna: No. I’d rather kill myself. But what can you do, am I right? I’ll see you tomorrow.

Dave: Yeah, see ya.

[Kyanna walks away]

Dave: (hyped) Did you see that? She talked more to me, than she did to you guys!

Mac: Okay, congratulations, you’re not totally invisible to her.

Dave: And did you see her perfect response? “I’d rather kill myself”. She’s such a dream.

Stewie: Ehrm... That’s what makes her a dream? Are you sure depression is something you’re looking for, in a girl?

Dave: No, but I don’t care. I’m not invisible. And I’m not friendzoned either. So suck me!

Scene 2:

It’s been a few hours. Dave just got home. Looks like mom and dad were waiting for him, in the living room.

Dave: Hey mom. Hey dad. I’ll be upstairs.

Dad: Actually, mom and I need to talk to you.

Dave: ... Okay. What’s going on?

Mom: We have big news.

Dave: Okay.

Dad: I don’t even know how to tell you.

Dave: Guys, you’re freaking me out.

Dad: Okay, here it is... (hyped) We’re moving to London!

Mom: (hyped) Isn’t that exciting?

Dave: ... (awkwardly laughs) Nice one, guys. But at least wait until April 1st.

Dad: It’s not a joke, David.

Mom: Your father got an offer. He’s getting transferred.

Dad: Yeah. And I’m getting a massive, and I mean, massive raise.

Dave: (confused) W-what? I-it’s not a joke?

Mom: Nope. And we’re moving tomorrow.

Dave: (angry) What? And I’m just gonna leave my whole life here, behind? Just because of some money?

Dad: It’s not some money, it’s the quadruple of what I make now.

Dave: We make enough! I don’t wanna go to London!

Mom: Honey, we understand you might have a bit of difficulty accepting it, but it’s not negotiable. We’re going to London.

Dave: No, we’re not! I’m staying here, I’m not going to London. It’s way worse than here, with all the gangs, and the knife crime. It’s bad enough that I have to worry about getting bullied, I don’t wanna worry about getting stabbed.

Dad: Pfft, that’s a myth.

Mom: Honey, we’re going. Period!

[Dave storms upstairs, and locks himself in his room, crying]

Scene 3:

After a nap, Dave had a depressing afternoon, where he realized this wasn’t just a terrible nightmare. Right now, he’s at the beach with his friends, watching the sunset for one last time before moving.

Dave: (wiping tears) This is it!

Mac: I’m so sorry, mate. I wish I had any words of comfort, but I still can’t believe you’re going to London.

Dave: Me neither. This is the end of me. London is a cold, ugly, smelly, violent city.

Stewie: I-I think London is pretty.

[Dave and Mac give Stewie the death stare]

Stewie: ... But I’m clearly wrong, London sucks.

Dave: Bye, Sydney. You were not perfect, but I’m gonna miss you. You’re home. There’s no place like home.

Mac: We won’t forget you, mate. Hell, we’ll video chat all the time. Even if you have to wake up early, and we have to stay up late. You can always count on us to talk about girls, or play Roblox, or just be there for each other.

Dave: Thanks, guys.

[They hug]

Dave: This is gonna be so hard.

Stewie: Look at it from the bright side. You’re gonna explore a new city, meet new people, reinvent yourself.

Dave: There’s no bright side. I won’t be here with you guys. I won’t stand up to Zack. I won’t ask out Kyanna. I’ll be in shithole London, trying not to die while a few roadmen threaten to shank me... I hate my parents!

[They hug again]

Mac: So this is it.

Stewie: No more magic trio.

Dave: I’m definitely not gonna miss you calling us that... But yeah, bye guys. I’ll miss you so much. Now, if you excuse me, I gotta move to London and die.

Scene 4:

It’s night time, and Dave just came home. His parents are in the living room. He ignores them, and goes upstairs. His mom follows him.

Mom: Sweetie, I know you’re upset, but London will be fun. You’ll make new friends, you’ll see a beautiful city every single day... And, I talked your dad into letting you take Marduk.

Dave: Oh, isn’t that great? My life is over, but at least my pet snake is dying with me.

Mom: You know what? I’ll just leave you alone.

[His mom leaves the room, and shuts the door. He looks at the tank, and his gigantic pet snake looks at him]

Dave: I’m sorry, Marduk. (opens the tank, and lets the snake climb him) I didn’t mean that. I’m glad you’re coming, but... You’re a snake. All you have to worry about, is eating hamsters, and doing that weird thing where you lose your skin and get a new one. You won’t have to risk your life, while some random british mofuckers try to stab you. (mocking the roadmen accent) Innit, bruv... I guess I better look up some roadman slang, otherwise I won’t understand a word of what they’re saying.