Chapter 1
Start writing here…
My thoughts swirl around my mind and I am dizzy. This is exhausting! I let out a loud sigh and hold my next breath. All of my senses feel heightened and yet my emotions are on hold. I can't believe this is my life. I let a loud scream echo through my head and it drowns out all the thoughts. I try not to think about what might have been. That was then, and this is now. I can hear your words "Embrace the suck". We have taken different roads and there is no way to know what might have been.
My camera roll is littered with pictures of you. I have kept all text messages for the last 10 years. Does this make me crazy? I keep asking myself if I should delete them. Will is free me from sleeping with your ghost? I am drowning in the silence. It has been four years since I have talked with you face to face, since your woodsy scent has filled my lungs. I cant bring myself to look you in the eye. The guilt tugs at the anchor and I drown all over again.
"I am so sorry Mikey D" I whisper to cold lonely air.
There is no one here to hear the words. My heart skips at the sound of your name. I knew I had to leave before you killed me. I knew that day was coming, you were close. All the anger and unresolved PTSD screamed at me. Now this is what is left. The shell that's left isn't so pretty anymore. We were kids when we made vows much to heavy for either of us to carry. I broke almost everyone of them in succession to your infidelities. I let myself go and gave myself permission to go after what I wanted.
I let your gaslighting hold me captive for far longer than I should have. I swear the night you walked out of that door for the last time my mind, body and soul were so disconnected. I never thought I would be able to smile again. I am telling our story now, the story of a farm boy and a city girl who traveled the road of youth together. The small town boy and fast talking girl who tore love up beyond recognition. With help of 18 moves, three children and 16 years in the military..... and all the stuff in between.
Get ready to have your heart broken, smile, get pissed rinse and repeat. This story is true in my eyes. It is one half of a story through eyes of a girl who was born broken and is now repairing herself slowly. Who with the untapped love in her heart and three beautiful assholes to raise has hoisted her ass off the ground to become the hero of her own story. I wont apologize for the cussing, the brutal truths or the harshness that may occur. These events happened to and with me. It is simply a perception through two blue eyes freckled with gold.
