Flowers On Your Grave

one | restless

Casper

The cold breeze of December blew past my broken window and made a buzzing noise probably somewhere between the window's aperture and frame. I can't really tell but it doesn't matter where. What matters is that it woke me up from my supposed 24-hour Sunday rest after one hell of a month looking for a part-time job to sustain my living.

I woke up to something heavy on my chest that I needed to heave a deep breath. Turns out, it was my cat. Coraline, my three-year-old white cat, purred, her eyes closed as she lay comfortably on my chest while I struggled to catch my breath.

"Do you realize that you are killing me, Coraline?" Of course, I wasn't expecting to get an answer but I felt like I had to say it. And Coraline, being a cat of dominant and I-don't-give-a-damn blood, kept her eyes closed, completely ignoring my complaint. Why are cats always a bully? I don't even know why I always let her boss over me.

I spent the next 30 minutes trying to get Coraline off my chest but she would dig her paw nails on my shirt every time I tried to lift her up. I eventually gave up and tried to get back to sleep but with my cat lowkey trying to kill me, it was nearly impossible. I was only able to take her off when she decided to leave, which would not take place if not for another half an hour or so.

I laid there for a few more minutes hoping to fall back asleep but I couldn't. Great! So much for my planned one day break! I ended up deciding to get up and go for a walk. Maybe to get some breather.

The old door creaked as I pulled it open and I stepped out to greet the suburb. I was in my plain white shirt and usual leather black jacket. My hands were buried deep into my pocket as I slightly shivered from the cold. I should have considered drinking coffee before heading out. Inside my pocket, my right hand is tightly wrapped around my car keys.

I got in my car and started the engine. It was somewhere past two in the afternoon and I had nothing in mind of where to go. I thought of driving across the city but then my guts told me to go somewhere quiet and away from the crowd. At this point, I just know where things are leading to.

I sighed.

I have memorized myself too much to know that whenever I start to think of isolating myself from the world, it is usually a sign that things are getting bad again.

I later found myself driving down the east woods, just a few miles away from the outskirts of Ghilmore, a small town which is a 4-hour-long drive away from the city. Ghilmore is basically small that almost everyone knows everyone. You meet someone and I'd bet your friend, or the friend of your friend, maybe even a relative, or at least one of your acquaintances already knows or heard about that someone you just met.

I looked for a spot to park my car and went on my way into the woods. I advanced a little further until the path led to a highly elevated area where trees of orange leaves stood tall amongst the ones with green. Just when I was about to take another step, my phone started buzzing.

Anaeis was calling.

"Hey," I greeted.

"Casper!" She exclaimed and I couldn't help but smile. She always gleams joyfully. Her tiny, loud voice would be the first thing I'd long to hear in the morning while she bangs on my door asking for cereal, or whenever she gives me a phone call to ask for me to fetch her.

"Fetch me later at five! I had mom buy us some ice cream!" She was giddy, as always. Her words would flower in excitement and enthusiasm.

"Did you get our favorite?" I asked even though I already knew what her answer would be and how it would sound.

"Cookies and cream!"

It's impossible not to laugh. I love how cheerful she is. She told me a little about how her day with mom went but she also said she doesn't want to spoil the whole story just so we would have something to talk about at dinner and I just laughed the entire time, agreeing to everything she was saying.

"I can't wait to hear them," I said.

"Is that your brother?" I heard mom's voice approaching Anaeis. "Can I talk to him—"

"I have to go, Anaeis," I cut in before the woman could even have the chance to do what she asked for. "I'll see you later, love you."

I hung up. It didn't take awhile for me to realize my heart was already racing. A rush of adrenaline seems to be taking over my system.

I ran my way up to the elevated land, panting. My thoughts echoed her voice. Is that your brother?

I groaned to myself. Get her off of your head, Casper!

I fell on my knees, catching my breath.

It's been forever. How long have I been trying to keep myself together? How long have I been denying what I'm feeling? How long have I been forcing myself to be strong through all of this?

How long have I been restless carrying everything in silence?

I don't know. I don't fucking know.

**

I opened my eyes to the leaves of trees hovering under the moonlit skies. Crickets chirped everywhere and I jolted myself up from lying on the ground. I remembered wandering further deep into the woods but I didn't plan on falling asleep out here.

Well, at least you got yourself some rest. I thought to myself.

The wind blew against my face and the leaves on the trees danced along with it. The night was cold, probably because I'm out here. Maybe it would've been warm if I were inside the house but being out here with nothing but the stars, the soft rustling of leaves, and the mild silence, somehow, it gave me peace as if it was the home I have always longed for. Somehow, it felt like I finally had a break from the world.

"Damn it!" A female voice suddenly echoed out of nowhere, followed by the scraping sound of a shovel digging the ground and debris being thrown off somewhere.

I immediately got on my feet and looked around, trying to figure where the sound was coming from. Not far from where I was standing, I saw a parked bicycle with a flashlight on its handlebar and just beside the bicycle was a girl digging on the ground with her back facing my direction.

"I'm sorry if I woke you up!" She yelled and I froze. Is she referring to me?

And as if she heard the question I asked mentally, she turned around to my direction, the side of her big rimmed eyeglasses reflected some of the light from the bicycle. "I woke you up, did I?"

I didn't reply. I didn't know what to reply. But I figured it would be rude if I didn't come over to her so I did. Aside from that, I was also curious about why she is digging at a time like this in the middle of the woods.

"I'm digging a grave." She explained. I blinked, almost taking a step back. I swear to all things that's holy, I'm gonna run as fast and as far as I can the moment I see any dead body around here.

The girl laughed, seemingly amused by my reaction. "It's my own grave, if that'll help you feel better."

"It's not really a grave, though. Just somewhere I could put this gravestone on." She added and pointed at the large stone beside her.

The first theory that popped in my mind after she said she was digging a grave, was that she's possibly a psychopath and she's out here to bury the dead body of her pitiful victim which makes sense because it would be easier to bury a dead body without getting caught if you do it in the middle of the night out here in the woods. But then she said it was her own grave so the second theory would be that she's probably a soul looking for justice, or a proper burial to say the least.

I don't know which one makes more sense or if any of the two makes sense at all.

"You look like you just lost your shit." The girl continued laughing and I couldn't come up with something—anything to say. Instead, I noticed how her hair danced along the gentle blow of the wind. She was fair and pale, just a little shorter than me. Her white shirt was tucked in her ripped jeans and I don't recall seeing her before despite the town being small. Maybe she's new here?

"I'm Elayn." She said, reaching out her hand which she eventually took back after realizing it was covered with dirt, probably from all the digging. " Oh sorry, my bad!" She apologized, laughing.

"Casper." I was supposed to say I'm Casper instead of just Casper but I'm thankful it didn't come out as a stammer. "My name is Casper." I corrected, formally introducing myself.

"Casper?" Her brow furrowed, seemingly questioning the existence of my name. "Like, Casper, the friendly ghost?" The smile on her face never left. She must like joking around quite often.

"Yeah... yeah you can say that." I let out an awkward, I-don't-know-what-to-say kind of laugh, as I massaged my nape. "In exception of the fact that I'm not a ghost."

She laughed and dropped the shovel on the ground. She bent to pick up the heavy stone beside her. I thought of helping her with the stone but she was able to manage herself just fine before I could even offer some help. She placed the stone on the shallow hole she dug and it stood like a gravestone.

"What's that for?" I asked, finally having the courage to speak.

Elayn walked to her bicycle and took something out of the backpack just beside the pedal. I had no idea it was there the whole time. She shook the can of spray paint and she sprayed it on the stone, trying to write something.

The red paint dripped on every letter as she spelled out the words. I waited for her to finish and didn't bother asking any more questions. When she was done, she let out a sigh of accomplishment as she stood up, looking down admiring the view of the spray painted stone.

I opened my mouth but no words came out.

"Deep down we all just want to be loved, right?" She managed to keep the smile on her face. But this time, it was a fake one. A sad one. Even her eyes couldn't lie. "But often than not, we only get to receive that love when it's all too late."

"Lately, I guess I've been a little too desperate to be loved to the point of considering the given perks of dying."

My phone rang and in the first five seconds it was okay for me not to answer it but I almost immediately cursed remembering I was supposed to pick Anaeis up at 5 pm. I hurriedly dug through my pocket and it was Anaeis. My notification was also flooded with dozens of missed calls and text messages from her and I completely slept through all of it. It was already past 8 p.m. for Pete's sake!

"Anaeis," I breathe.

"Mom! He's on the line!" She cried out. "I hate you, Casper!"

"Hey, listen... I... I..." I couldn't come up with any excuse.

The last thing I heard was Anaeis crying even more and then the call dropped.

"Your girlfriend?" Elayn asked and I turned to her.

"Sister," I sighed. "She hates it when I miss her calls."

"That's cute."

I scratched the back of my head, torn between rushing to my sister who's definitely going to be more mad at me the longer I stay here or staying here at least a little longer to listen to Elayn. I really want to listen. I really want to.

"Uhm, it's getting late isn't it?" Elayn managed to bring up before silence could even take over. "I guess we should get going."

I wasn't sure whether to agree or not but started packing her things and hopped on to her bike. "See you when I see you." She smiled and was about to pedal her way off but I needed to tell her something.

"Elayn!" I called and she turned to me.

"In case you need to talk about something... I, uh... I'll be back here tomorrow after school."

I don't know if she deems me worthy of knowing about whatever she's going through but I just want her to know that she has someone she could talk to.

"Thanks." Was all she said and I watched her disappear out from the woods.