Chapter 1
“So, what’s your plan, Oxford or Havard?”
“I think it’s Harvard and not Havard”
“Whatever! It’s like you knew about it before today’s class!”
The daydreaming, ignorant younger version of herself wanted to go there ever since she was seven. And after a very inspiring first day with her new class teacher, she opened the laptop her parents were forced to buy her after the pandemic hit. It was the first and only PC in her home. She searched for the best universities in the world and how to get into them. A university called Harvard topped most of the ranking lists. Maryam wondered why she had not heard of it before. She put an end to the fantasy when she realised she didn’t have the money or resources to even apply to most of these institutions. And now the case has been reconsidered after the career guidance session organised by Mr Das. He previously taught in an international school in Qatar where it was only ordinary for graduates to study abroad. Mr Das, like everyone else’s, was Maryam’s favourite teacher. Apart from the very insightful conversations in class, he was one of the two teachers who were not misogynistic and the only teacher who did not bring a cane to the class.
“Not to discourage you or anything but they are extremely difficult places to get into.″
“You know what I think, I just have to graduate high school and these schools will be waiting in line for me.”
Nada was the most intelligent teenager she had ever met. But she had a very self-destructive sense of humour that Maryam hated. It was after their camaraderie Maryam started to love physics and maths the way she loved English and political science, so much that she was determined to learn the subjects for the rest of her life.
The rusty blue ‘Anugraha’ halted at Cheruvayal junction.
Anugraha - blessing
Where the commuters make you stand even if there’s an empty seat because you pay one rupee for you have a student’s pass and they pay twenty.
Cheruvayal - small meadow
A village filled with paddy fields where police took action against a farmer ‘for converting agricultural land to residential land’ when he build a bund and were guests in Shuhaib Sahib’s housewarming in his bungalow constructed over an acre of grainfield.
* * *
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, where amongst Maryam’s google searches that day. She needed a lot of money. Fast. Later that day, an ad to take a psychology survey for five dollars popped on her Instagram feed. To her surprise, it wasn’t spamming and a notification from the bank appeared on the top of her phone screen saying ₹375 was credited to her account. The survey was long and started to bore her but distracted her from her problems. She didn’t put much thought into the answers after the sixty-third question.
The next day Maryam was called into the headmaster’s office. Mr Das revealed the big news that she was amongst the ten students in the country selected for ISRO’s Junior Scientist Program. She had forgotten about taking the test a few months back. She and Nada officially declared it as the best test in the history of tests.
“You will have to stay in Bengaluru for some days.” The smile on Maryam’s face faded with those words.
“Sorry, sir! I won’t be able to attend.”
“What nonsense! Your parents said you and them are pretty much free for the next few months.”
“My parents know about this?”
“Know? Some government officials had already met with them when we informed the news and they are very excited for you!”
“They are?”
“Yes. Now get back to class.”
“Oh! Sure Sir.”
* * *
Maryam’s disbelief over her parents’ decision was clarified by two things; parents can live with the students in the quarters and the students will receive a small fortune of ₹20,000 as a stipend. But inside the facility were students and staff only.
The next day arriving at the ISRO headquarters, Maryam came across many high school students on various programmes but none from her own. The test was not held at their schools. But they studied in schools in the cities unlike her so she thought maybe that had something to do with it. She was assigned a personal mentor, Mr Narayan Satyamurti, a stout man in his late fifties. He had the sweetest smile contradicting his serious appearance. The only thing she knew about the program was that it was in aerospace engineering. He led her outside to a shuttle just like the metro but the cabin was substantially shorter.
“Hi Maryam, how was your stay?”
She was greeted by women in suits inside the cabin. The sand pink suit complimented her dark brown skin. The highlights in her curly black hair glistened where the sun hit.
“She will be accompanying you from here on.“, Mr Narayan said and walked back as if he was unburdening himself.
“So hope on!”
Maryam had never been inside the metro or a train for that sake. The door closed behind her. Inside, two expensive-looking leather couches sat facing each other. The suit-lady, already in her seat gestured Maryam to take the seat opposite her. She thought of buying a similar suit someday, maybe grey or beige.
“I’m Alex Rogan. We will be off to the project site shortly. Let’s get to know each other a bit meanwhile.”
“Oh sure.“, Maryam said wondering why the shuttle was not in motion. Or was it? One couldn’t tell since there weren’t any windows. She felt a little insecure but Alex had a reassuring presence.
“So high school’s over, what do you plan to do next.”
“I’m taking a gap year to prepare for JEE.“, Maryam spurted out the answer she had for others who asked the same.
“Oh, I see...On a totally unrelated note, Newzealand is great this time of the year. ”
A chill went down her spine. She had not discussed her plan to a single soul. But how could Alex possibly know? She wanted to get out of there but was unable to move a finger.
“Who are you?...... How do you...”
“Relax man, it’s just big data. And I am here to help you. No,‘we’ are here to help you.”
Before she could respond the shuttle suddenly started to descend. Even though it was so smooth, Maryam felt a nauseous feeling going up her body. The shuttle door opened.
“Welcome to MLab!”
Maryam was distracted from the conversation for a moment. It was a lot of white, metal and glass. Many people were working on many things in many corners. It didn’t look like she was in her country anymore but she was. Alex started walking past the endless labs and cabins. Maryam couldn’t do anything but go with her. A woman in white overalls and grey hair smiled at her while soldering a chip to a circuit board resembling the hippocampus. Alex entered a big room with a glass wall. The moment she stepped in the clear glass turned opaque and the sliding door closed behind them.
“You look terrified. Don’t worry, if you don’t want to participate in the program I’ll drop you back and you can join one of those kids’ project.”
“What program?”
“Participate in some VR simulations, answer some questions and get a stipend that’ll allow you to ‘settle’. We can also arrange admission to any university you say.”
“When do I start?”
* * *
“Do you have any questions?”
“Yes. Is your name really Alex?”
“No.”
“Why is this whole thing really secretive?”
“Because some people might think what we do is inhumane even if the participants are volunteers and we use the result to treat diseases with no cure and problems with no solutions. Anything else? If not let’s jump into it, shall we?”
“Okay...”
“So let’s talk about some of your survey answers. If you’re uncomfortable answering anything, please tell me.”
“Okay...”
“So for the question ‘state your dream and why’, you answered ‘to live on Mars away from family, relatives and neighbours’. Were you joking or serious here?”
“I was serious with all my answers.”
“Oh, that reduces the length of this discussion to a great extent.”
" For ‘if you could change anything in this world’ you said ‘no life after death’, why is that?”
“One itself is too much.”
“And have you ever thought of putting an end to it?”
“Yes...”
“And?”
“I believe in God and life after death. I’ll have to suffer the consequences of my actions here. I fear the kind of pain described in the Quran. Each time I take the blade, I cut myself just enough to hurt and wait for the moment to pass on.”
“And no one has ever noticed it?”
“Mom noticed a cut above my elbow when I rolled up my sleeve. She asked what is it and I casually said I did it when I was sad. She smiled and said it was like corporal mortification she had read in Da Vinci Code. I heard her joke about it saying the same to two of her friends when they asked me.”
“Do you think you’ll go to hell because you’re a bad person?”
“One amongst many.”
“Why did you decide to run away from home?”
“No comments!”
* * *
Alex handed her a helmet and joystick with a single button.
“Press this when you are feeling distressed. We will navigate through some of your memories. I’ll be overseeing so don’t worry that you are alone.”
Maryam put on the helmet. It clutched her so hard that it hurt.
She was there, on the countertop in her kitchen, wearing a white cotton frock with tiny flowers. Mom was feeding her gruel telling the story of the boy who stole the colours of the rainbow.
Her face felt moist.
Now she was in her room, happy that Razak uncle was staying with them for some days. She had just started to sleep in her own room and his presence was a relief. She was wearing the same white frock when and rough hand slipped underneath it.
Five years. He was the first of many. He was the kindest of many.
“Once there was a girl. She climbed trees to read hiding from her brothers. She was the only one to finish school, to go to college in her family. She married a man who said he will allow her to work. But he lied and she died.”
“Mom I don’t like this story.”
“Then promise me you’ll only marry after you get a job and is independent or don’t marry that’s better.”
“Mom I’m only five you’ll have to be like ten to get married.”
Her face looked funny when she laughed and then cried.
She was now in mom’s room when she just had told her about Uncle Razak. She told, it was because she was always shamelessly playing with him like a whore. She was seven and a whore.
Maryam felt a piercing pain in her chest.
She was standing feeling empty, she was the only girl that didn’t cry that day. She was in line with people revolving around Nada, pale on a steel bed, wrapped in a white cloth.
“Kid these days. Can’t even adjust the slightest. Killing themselves for the silliest things.”
Nobody knew why. Maryam tried to contact her since she was married. Her husband did not want her to have a phone and they couldn’t meet for the last three months.
The pain dived deeper.
"...but mama you made me promise....”
“I have done a lot of stupid things when I was young like giving birth to a Shaytan. Why do you always have to be this selfish? Once in our miserable life let us be happy!”
A wheatish thumb pressed itself on the red joystick she had forgotten she held.
* * *
