My Life Without You

Closing my eyes as Jane leaves the room, I can’t help but think how this day has gone to shit fast. Life is so short and I know this firsthand. Everyone takes every day for granted.

I can hear sobs through the door and muffled talking, the doc telling if Mitch is going to make it. My best friend, fighting for his life. Mitch has been in my life for such a short time, but he has been the friend or, more like brother to me. We have similar stories of loss in our life; he losing his parents and I losing the one I gave my heart to. Mitch and I have been to war fighting for our country. We have lost brothers taken in combat. Battles in our minds are a constant, but just to have one that has been through it all just to talk with them, Mitch saved my life, even if he doesn’t know it.

I may appear this cocky jokester, but it just hides the feeling that I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be alive. Now I know I have Doc. Sam in my head saying, ‘You’re alive for a reason and today it was to save Mitch.’ I know she is right on some levels, but it’s just hard when bad things happen to good people. People that work hard in this life to help people around them.

Every day is a battle in my head. Is today a day that I will listen to the sad voice in my head telling me it’s time to end it all. I have never listened, but it’s there whispering ‘I’m not worthy.’ drowning out the voices, drowning out the desperation, the anxiety, the stress of life. Giving myself to the day, I will make it today to see tomorrow.

I see everyone happy all around me, and I’m sickened by it. How can everyone be happy when days like today happen to great people? Mitch and Jane are great friends, friends I desperately need.

My family. When I needed my family the most, they turned their backs on me. My twin, my best friend, took something that I can never get back. Well, she didn’t take it away but set in motion the day that forever changed my life. Twelve years it took for me to talk to Zara. It took for her to be in a car crash for us to talk, for her to ask for forgiveness. Do I give it and leave the past in the past, or do I fight for more? Is sorry enough?

A knock on the door brings me out of my head. My mother’s head peaks in and she sees me. Walking in with my father and brother behind her. “Oh Dan.” Mom sighs.

With my oxygen mask still on, I wave her closer with my bandaged hand. Dad walks around the other side of the bed and Will stands at the foot of the bed. Both have their arms crossed against their chests. I have no clue why they would be here. I really had hoped that just mom would have come by herself.

“The captain said you saved your friend Mitch, the one that saved Zara.” Mom talks softly to me. I just nod my head. I try to remove my mask and mom reaches out to help lift it off.

“I need someone to help Zara. She is at my apartment.” I start coughing and mom puts my mask back on.

“We got it. Don’t know why she wanted to go to your place, anyway.” Will said with disgust.

“Will!” Mom yells. “I told you if you came, you need to leave this anger at the door.”

“He only came because Jane called.” Thank you, dad, that is what I was thinking. Mom scoffed.

I used my arm to push the mask down. “You need to leave her alone; she has been through enough.” I rasp out.

“Everyone keeps saying that. What happened?” Will said, throwing his hands in the air.

“You really need to read.” Mom addresses Will. Will turned to face mom. “It was all over the papers and the news stations.” Will still looking of not know what the hell mom is saying.

“Son, a stalker took her, then raped, beat up, tied up and then he also burned down her bakery all the while her business partner was in the building.” Dad explained. “If she didn’t have a support system already, we would have reached out.”

Something my parents' motorcycle club does is help abused women and children hide. They take them in, give them new identities, find them jobs and homes to live in. At least that is what they used to do when my grandfather and his brothers did when they started the club. After my dad retires, it will be up to Will. Although he has done some shady things and I have a feeling he is in the drug game now. I’ve heard stories from some guys I have seen around.

“Shit! And where was that punk ass that was supposed to be her boyfriend when all this went down?” Will spat out.

“He was working, but then her dad and Mitch tracked her down and went and saved her. Shooting the guy that took her.” I cough out. Mom reaches up and puts the mask on my face, and I swat her hand away. “Stay away from her.” Coughing again, this time I let mom place my mask on.

The door clicks open and my nurse walks in with Felix following behind. “Captain is going to tell you about your friend, then I am going to take you up to get your chest x-rayed. Then we will get you settled up to your own room.” The nurse explains.

“He is in a coma. He also has swelling on the brain and spine. They have to wait and see when that goes down if he will walk again.” I shake my head at Felix and close my eyes, praying for my best friend. “Jane is with him now, doesn’t look like she will leave him. Thought I’d update you before we head back to the station.” I just nod my head. Felix pats my legs and turns to leave.

“Ok Mr., let’s get you going.” She turns to my family. “It will probably be a bit before we get him settled into his room.”

“We will head home and stop tomorrow.” Mom puts her hand on my shoulder while talking. “Dad and I will stop and get Zara.” I just nod my head. Mom leans down and kisses my head. “Love ya.” Dad and Will just leave, saying nothing.

***

Only having to stay a few nights in the hospital, I am now at the station talking with the guys. “I heard Jane won’t even leave his room.” Jay was telling Jake and I. “Did you see him yet Dan?”

“They were only letting family in the other day. I was hoping to go up there today and see him.”

“Dan, office now!” Felix booms across the room. I walk over and close the door behind me. Felix jesters for me to sit. “What are you doing here? You were told two weeks off.”

“Just checking in before I head up to see Mitch.” Felix nods his head.

“You know, I just worry about my guys. I don’t want you to feel you need to be here on you rest time. Have you checked in with Doctor Sam?”

“Yes, I have. Also reached out to my support group, I’m good. I am more worried about Mitch and Jane right now. I... I have become close to them.”

“There are things I want to talk to Jane about as well. I hope to find a good time. I want her to take the money we raised for her, so she isn’t worrying about that.”

I agree. “Maybe reach out to Jon and just let him know. From what I hear, Jane hasn’t left Mitch’s side.” Felix nods and grabs a post-it to make a note to call Jon. “Well, I think I am going to head out to go see Mitch and Jane.”

“Can you call later and give me an update?” Felix asks as he stands.

“Yup.” I say as I walk out the door. I wave to the guys before leaving.

***

My best friend is here lying-in bed fighting for his life. His life, the life that he needs to come back to for the love of his life. I can’t help but look at Jane holding onto his hand, sleeping and looks like she has been crying. She has been here day in and day out, not leaving his side. Begging for him to come back to her.

It is hard being here watching. Little by little, the memories that I have pushed far down deep are surfacing. I can see that day, watching Jane. My mind replaces her with me sitting in that chair holding Brenda’s hand, begging for her to come back to me.

My hand comes up to my face, and I wipe the tears falling from my eyes. Taking a deep breath, I prepare myself to be strong for Jane. I made a promise to Mitch if anything were to happen to him, I would be there for Jane. I will remind her how much he loves her, and I will be someone she needs to lean on till Mitch finds his way back to her.

Sliding the door open, I walk up to Mitch. “Hey man, you need to get better and come back to Jane. She needs you. You have plans, remember?” I lean in to whisper in his ear. “You want to make her your wife?” The beeping of his heart jumps a bit before leveling off to the normal. He heard me; I know it.

“Dan.” Jane lifts her head to look at me while rubbing her eyes.

“Hey beautiful.” I smile at her.

“Ugh. I don’t feel beautiful right now.” Jane tries running her hands through her hair, trying to straighten it, only to get snagged on some knots.

“Oh, but you are, and Mitch agrees with me. Isn’t that right, Mitch? Your girl is so beautiful.” Jane chuckles. I got her to smile, at least. “I know, I know back off, right? She is your girl.” Jane lets out a loud laugh and I pat Mitch’s leg before rounding to other side of the bed. Jane stands up when I get close to her. I reach out to her, pulling her into a hug.

Jane pulls back to look at me. She runs her hands over my bandages I still have on. “Did you just get out? Sorry I didn’t come back to see you.” I pull up a chair and we sit down. Jane’s hands still holding on to my arm and one makes its way back to Mitch’s hand laying on the bed.

“Yesterday, but they wouldn’t let me up to see him.” We sit in silence for a while before I speak again. “You know he loves you, right?” She nods. “He was just telling me before the fire call just how much. He made me promise if something were to happen to him, I would be there for you and to remind you just how much love he has for you. Just so you know, you’re not alone.” Tears start filling her eyes. Her head drops.

“I feel foolish that I made him leave all those months ago. We had all this precious time we could have had together, and I pushed him away. I made him miserable and myself.” I try to squeeze Jane’s hand. “Only Cindy knows this and now you, but I dreamed of Mitch for years.” My eyes widen.

“You never met him, though?” I ask, feeling confused.

“No, and I really didn’t know it was Mitch, per se. I dreamt of this guy with blue eyes...” She blushes. “It started when I was nineteen. Started having fantasy dreams of this blue-eyed guy.” I laugh out. “I couldn’t see his face, just his blue eyes. When Mitch came home that very first night, Cindy had me over for supper and as soon as I saw him, I felt it. I felt this bond and connection to him. I love him so much.”

Taking a big breath in, I am about to tell her my life. “I had that.” I whisper out. Jane’s eyes meet mine, waiting for more. I clear my throat. “Mitch and I made plans for me to come over the night of the accident. I wanted to sit down and tell you all about my past.” She lightly squeezes my hand. “It was hard for me looking in and seeing you here with Mitch. It reminded me of my past. I have sat where you are sitting. Holding the hand of your love. Begging so much fucking begging, waiting for her to open her eyes.”

“Dan?” Jane questions. Looking at me, I have tears falling from my eyes.

“Her name was Brenda...”