Chapter 1 - If Endings Could Speak
The beginnings of a story are beautiful. The hope of a new day. The excitement of the unknown. But, its much easier to have beginnings than it is to have endings. Endings are sacred. Closure? That closure you get when the entire journey of a relationship, the entire journey of that romance, reaches it unstoppable end; its what you’ve earned after all that work.
Most of us are afraid of the end. Afraid that after the story is finished, there won’t be anything left. That nothing will be the same, that we will leave more disappointed than satisfied. And being satisfied is a big thing. Its what feeds our fear of denial, the very resistance to change, the rejection of all that is unknown.
The things you say matter both now and at the end, the only difference? At the end, you don’t have the chance to say things twice, to make it right. And that fear, that keeps you from seeing that once is enough - all things cease, both bad and good - it stops you from moving forward. The end is there to help us move forward. Its why we have to continue our lives after we’ve lost someone. Why we learn to live in a world after you’ve lost everything. Learn to survive when everything you love is gone.
For young children, hiding behind books and movies, its stepping out of hidden alcoves forced to face the world they truly live in. Its tough, accepting the life you live now. This isn’t the life you wish to live. Sometimes that need to escape is almost palpable, forcing itself down your throat, becoming a desperation you didn’t know you could have, and it surrounds you. It’s suffocating.
I don’t want to live that type of life, afraid of everything. Afraid of what comes after I finish this. Because its so easy to fall inside that oblivion. It envelopes you inside a fog and you can’t see straight.
When I am afraid of the end, everything I do is paused. My beginnings are strong. I can do beginnings, but once it passes a certain degree of time, I can’t. To continue is torture in the sense I am afraid of my incompetency. What if I fail? What if I’m not good enough? The question I want answered is when did any of that matter.
For me? It started with life and home projects. The abiity to learn from your mistakes were not part of the task. The assignment was to be smart, be careful, and do it right the first time. And that kind of urgency, it gives you nerves of steel. You know you can handle the sudden things. You handle things well under pressure. But it also leaves room for second guessing, because theres that voice that wants you to do it right, and do it right only that one time.
I just wish that I was allowed to try and fail more often. What I wouldn’t do to finally be allowed to fail. To lose, to mess up and be safe in it. What I wouldn’t give to have someone else carry the burden of responsiblity once in a while, to have someone on who to rely. To finally feel like I can take a break. What I wouldn’t give for someone to help me.
And that is why the endings are so important. We need to know when its alright to let our breath go, relax our shoulders and sleep through the night. We need to have endings in our days to prepare us for new beginnings.
I once read a story about a man who became king and was approached by a crone who gave him a folded paper. He told him that when things were at their darkest, that there was no other way, to read that paper. And eventually the king and his land went through a terrible war that came right to his doorstep. He was forced to flee in the night to escape those that pursued him, and as he hid, aware they were close to finding him, he reached into his pocket and found the note. He felt if ever there was a time, this was the best time to read it. And it read
"This, too, shall pass.”
And when he looked up, he saw the soldiers that had been pursuing him were heading away from him, and he finally caught a breath. It gave him the strength to regroup and fight and win. And eventually his home became prosperous.
But the story doesn’t end there.
As he celebrated the peace and prosperity of his kingdom, the same crone passed before him. The king thanked them for the paper because it helped him reach this point in his life. The crone looked at him and handed him a second note. This time she did not tell him when or how long to wait to read it, so the king put it away for after the celebration. Once alone he took it, wondering what it could say, and was surprised to find it familiar.
"This, too, shall pass.”
When I first read it, I was filled with discomfort and uncertainty because I didn’t understand the message. Why did the crone have to give this to the king the second time? Why put on him the awareness that all good things come to an end? And for a long time I refused to think about why.
I choose to live blissfully optimistic, fighting against each obstacle and moment, and surrounding myself in good moments, too afraid of living without them. But in my own ignorance, I had missed the value of the crones second delivery.
If we live our lives without hope that we can get through this, we won’t survive long. But we can’t live our life hoping that each moment will be a golden moment. Nothing last forever, nothing can stay the same. No matter how much we hide from it, no matter how long we delay an end, the end has to come. To all things, both good and bad.
I believe the story was suppose to remind the king that his confidence and comfort in the now was still fleeting. To remain humble and aware of his good fortune and use it wisely. It was a note that in the same way his problems went away, the same way his good luck would eventually end, and as long as he was aware of that he would be alright.
Apparently we do not become our best selves by living idly and serenely. It is by having interior serenity in the face of utter opposition that we come to discover what our mettles worth.
So yes, beginnings are special, endings are sacred, and every moment in between is a sunshine and snowflake, worthy of appreciation, admiration, and awe. Just dont forget to push away the fear long enough to give your self clarity. Having courage does not mean being brave and without fear, it means being brave in spite of it.
Im allowed to make endings covered in scrap paper and glue, glitter and sawdust, icicles and snow. I need to give myself permission to make the attempt, no matter how cumbersome, how awkward, how embarrassing and foreign. I owe it to all those who wished to be brave, wished to be strong, wished to be bold. And so I cast my first ending to you.
May you make a bed of nails to lie on, may your wall be full of holes to climb, and may you and time be the closest of friends, so that you are never more than a moment apart.
Adieu~
