Chapter One
November 2019
We stopped at a beach, I’ve never seen such a beautiful view. The crashing waves and open water, no picture could even give the beauty of the ocean justice. The smell of salty water and the sand was difficult to capture. Since it was so cold we couldn’t go in the water. But just walking along it seemed to relax my nerves. And mend my broken heart. C found a large seashell right before Ayla said it was time to go. I enjoyed my time with these two. Part of me felt so broken, but with C’s smile and Ayla’s kind words they made me feel welcomed and wanted. Something I was unfamiliar with.
After our day at the beach we walked to a restaurant and ate some food before we got back in the car to leave. None of us knew where we were going, but we hoped to find a home on the road. As much as I loved that beach, it was too close to Andrew. I wanted to get as far away as I could, I didn’t want to feel the bond anymore. I didn’t want to feel him anymore. So, on my bad days I decided to write in this journal C had told me I could keep.
January 2020
After four towns and two horrible cities we’ve decided to stay at another beach. As lovely as the view was, the city wasn’t the safest. There was often trash in the streets and homeless people walking around. But, we’ve found an apartment and moved in this past week. Money has been running low, luckily Ayla found a job at a local diner. I’ve spent my days walking around to find one in the stores on the boardwalk.
Having no experience working didn’t help my resume. I hated that I pulled Ayla away from her home without any financial back up. I hated hearing C cry at night because she was hungry. I hated that this was all my fault. Ayla only grabbed my hands and promised me there would be a light after the tunnel. I hope she is right.
March 2020
I can’t take it anymore. The hunger, the feeling of my skin tightening on my bones. What have I done? I had found a small job and gave all of my earnings to C and Ayla, I never showed my hunger, I never showed how much it hurt. When we first left, Ayla always spoke of how skinny I was, now she says that I look worse than the homeless people out on the wooden boardwalk. The cramps in my stomach have grown worse as I watch over them as they sleep.
Most nights, I couldn’t sleep. He kept creeping in my thoughts. And I started to wonder if I had overreacted.
It was Ayla who was always guiding me away from the edge. She would wake up, finding me crying. And without saying a word she would offer me a space by her. But tonight, I’m sitting up. Rubbing C’s head is enough to tell me that it’s worth the hunger. I would do anything for her and Ayla, they are my family. My own pack in a way.
July 2020
I miss him. I miss him so much I get physically sick when I think of him. Ayla understands and doesn’t pry when she finds me crying at night. I found a job that pays very well but it’s a difficult business. I hate working in a club, getting dressed up to have men grope my body. But I faked having fun, until I eventually had fun. I hate who I am. I hate what I’ve become. It’s been four months since I started my job at the club.
And it has been 9 months away from my home. I only wish I didn’t feel so broken without him. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew. I find myself wanting to hear his voice. And sometimes I break down and cry and beg to hear his voice, just once more. Just once.
But, then in my dreams, I do. It was his voice, and his words that ring in my head and I remember why I can’t have him. Why I shouldn’t want him, but my heart ached for him. Maybe I should move on? Maybe I should accept the men who ask me to go out on dates with them? Maybe I should forget about my heart.
October 2020
Goodbye Victoria.
A year later
“Don’t leave me.” A voice cried, “Please, I’m sorry. Don’t leave.” I didn’t want to leave, I didn’t want to leave. But I needed to leave. I needed to run. Fear, jealousy, and hurt so many emotions filled me as I cried and turned away from the voice that sounded like velvet to me. I could hear the pain in their voice as they cried for me to stay. But I only walked away as I walked into a room filled with bright lights and blaring music.- Hot Dog- - My body is covered in sweat as I -Hot Dog!
What the fuck! Laying on a lumpy bed I groaned as I touched my pounding head and rolled around on the blankets as I lifted my body. C was sitting on the couch a few feet away eating cereal from a mixing bowl as she watched TV, “Hot dog!” The show sang loudly. Sighing I fell back to the pillow as I touched my aching body. I pushed my face down as I stretched my body.
Flashing lights and blaring music still rung in my memory as I groaned. Slowly I rolled until I got on my hands and knees and crawled towards C, “What are you watching?” I asked as I sat down by the couch. C looked at me and smiled as she pointed towards the boxed TV.
“Mickey!” She said as she splashed milk on my face from the spoon, “Mommy left.”
“I see that.” I said as I looked back to the bed I just rolled out of, “How does she do it? I never hear her leave!” I mumbled.
“She is a ninja that drinks coffee.” C said as she went back to her show.
My eyes widened as I nodded. I hid my laughter as I looked towards the bare counter. Slowly I pulled my body off of the floor and walked towards the coffee maker. I poured the hot liquid in the cup and added sugar into the steaming liquid. I yawned loudly as I walked towards the window and looked out to see the sun rise, “Get ready.” I said and watched a C smiled widely and nodded. She turned off the TV and went to go get dressed. Walking towards the bowl I picked it up and placed it in the clean sink. Our apartment was one of the best there was in this area, we had moved in last October, closer to the beach and away from the horrible apartment we first moved into.
We were on the third floor, there were only two bed rooms but it was enough for us. We were walking distance from our jobs and the beach, so Ayla’s car barely got used. It was parked right outside her job, which was 20 minutes away from us. Slowly I looked down to my outfit and grimaced. I walked to the room that Ayla and I shared and placed the coffee down.
When we left we never looked back or talked about going back, I listened to Andrew’s Father’s advice and stayed away from cards and the internet. At first it was difficult to adjust to the human world. But, I found my place in it. I looked around at the master bedroom and sighed. The plan was for Ayla and I to share this room so C could have her own room. But, she had a habit of sleeping with us.
Our bedroom had seen better days. Our clothes were piling over the hamper that was screaming it needed to be cleaned, and the cleaned clothes were resting over the dressers. The bed in the middle was much more comfortable than the one in the living room, but I couldn’t complain since I barely made it to that one last night. I sat down on the bed and pulled off the knee high boots I had slept in. I sighed in relief as my skin got a chance to breathe in fresh air.
Slowly I pulled off the leather mini shirt off of my hips, feeling it rub against my skin as I dropped it on the ground.
Going to the bathroom I took my time peeing and washing my face. Getting rid of the heavy makeup and any spot on my skin that smelled like alcohol. Then I went back to the room and searched for one of my bathing suits as I pulled off the tights I’d worn. The bra I had on was dirty and filled with glitter as I un-clipped it and watched as a few dollar bills fell from the side of my breast. I sighed and flipped hair back down, shaking it out.
Glitter continued to fall as I flipped it back. Without much effort I placed on one of my new bathing suits and grabbed a short sundress. I sat on the bed for a moment and took another sip of my coffee as I looked at the sandals by the door. I placed my sore feet in them and strapped them on as I walked out to the living room. I poured the rest of the coffee in the sink and turned to C who was walking out with a large beach bag that had towels and filled with toys.
“That thing is getting way too short on you!” I said as I walked towards her and pulled the fabric that was rolling over her hip out. The back barely fit over her hips as it gave her constantly a wedgie. I mentally made a note to grab a bathing suit for her on the way to my work tonight. I smiled widely towards her as I grabbed a hair tie and put her hair in a high bun. Her long hair fell in her face as her brown eyes watched me as she giggled. She looked so much like Ayla it was scary. There were small things that were different, her wide eyes weren’t like Ayla’s, she had chubby cheeks and her nose was a bit smaller. But C was so beautiful, I touched her arm and tilted my head as I smiled up to her, “You are so beautiful C.” I whispered.
“So are you.” C said and then sighed as she pulled the sun dress over her bathing suit, “Will Mommy be there?”
“I’m sure after work. She always knows where to find us.” I said and smiled towards her as I grabbed her hand.
“What about Brandon! Will Brandon be there?” C asked and looked up to me. I smiled as I shrugged my shoulders. I grabbed the keys and the beach bag as I opened the door. Grabbing my sunglasses I placed them on my head and walked out of the apartment.
“Maybe.” I said and blushed as we walked out of the apartment. Closing the apartment door shut we walked towards the elevator and quickly waited for our turn. And as we got to the bottom and walked out of the building the sunny and warm air welcomed us.
Summer was here, the tourist walking past our apartment was a confirmation as they struggled to hold their umbrellas as we followed behind them. We were a 15 minutes walk from the ocean. It was C who said that she wanted to be by the beach, Ayla and I made sure we were as close as we could be to the salty water. Ayla and I had a decent schedule, she worked at a diner on the boardwalk. And as a morning waitress, she made decent tips. Her shift always ended before noon and she would find us at the beach. We would play in the water for a few hours and then we would go to the apartment and I would get ready to go to work.
Sometimes Ayla and I had time to have double dates, she had a handsome boyfriend named Ryan who loved Ayla and C and wasn’t afraid to scream it loudly. Brandon was my boyfriend. Brandon often spoke about me running away with him. Yet, I couldn’t. Even though I wanted him, and I loved his company, I couldn’t fully love him.
C caught my attention as she spun on the sidewalk and smiled towards me, “Music!” She cried loudly. I giggled as I fought with the beach bag and put on some pop music. My sunglasses fell on my nose then as she started to spin.
Once I got my bag back on my arm I started to twirl with her.
Of course people looked at us as we giggled and twirled past them. This is what I wanted, I wanted a life where I could live. In the back of my mind, I still remembered the little girl who ran away from fictional beings that wanted her dead. I ran away from someone who was my soulmate.
Some nights I’d stay up and think about him. I felt as if part of me was missing. But, then I would remind myself to live my life and enjoy my time and forget about the lonely feelings that were in me. I was free!
“Brandon! Brandon!” C shouted loudly as her arm hit against my body stopping my twirling.
Looking down at her I couldn’t help but giggle as her face scrunched up from excitement. How did the shy little three year old already turn five? She sure grew up and got out of her shell as she giggled and rushed towards the tall handsome man in front of us. Brandon squatted and quickly picked her up. Brandon’s arm flexed as he threw her up in the air. I watched as C screamed and giggled as she fell towards him. I smiled widely as I listened to her giggle loudly. Brandon turned to me and smiled widely.
“Good morning.” Brandon said as he put C down and walked over to me. He leaned down and kissed my lips. I smiled widely as I kissed him back and placed a hand on the back of his neck. Brandon grabbed the bags out of my hand as he smirked towards me.
“Good morning.” I whispered and looked up to his hazel eyes. His dark hair was pulled back in a bun and he had on a white sleeveless shirt and a pair of shorts. Once our kiss was over he leaned down and placed C on his shoulders and started to walk with us towards the boardwalk.
“Ayla says she will be off early today.” He said as we walked across the boardwalk, “Apparently the owner does an inventory count before the summer rush.”
“Last year he shut down for three days, I’m surprised it’s just the afternoon today.” I said and looked out to our spot. Since we first started to come C and I claimed the spot right in the middle of the beach. Four chairs were already set up and placed far away from the water, an umbrella sat in the middle. As we got closer Brandon put C down and pulled his book back to the front. He leaned in and pulled out the cup carrier, he handed me a white cup.
“I got you coffee.” He said and smiled towards me.
“Ahh.” I said and grabbed the cup and kissed him again, “What would I do without you?” I asked and smiled as he rolled his eyes.
“Can I go look for a sea shell?” C asked and looked back at me. I smiled and nodded as I sat down by Brandon under the umbrella.
Brandon and I watched as C giggled as the tide rushed to meet her now messy and sandy fingers as she tried to dig for shells. I looked at Brandon and grabbed his hand as I sipped on my coffee and leaned back in the chair, “She is so adorable.” Brandon said as he looked at me. Softly squeezing my hand I smiled and turned my head towards him. I only nodded as he cleared his throat, “We should have one.” Brandon then said. Quickly I started to choke on the coffee in my mouth as I looked towards him and raised an eyebrow.
“What?” I asked him once I stopped coughing.
“We’ve been together for almost two years, Tori.” He said and looked at me, “I’m looking at my future and I can’t picture it without you. I want children, I want children with you.”
“But my job-”
“Quit it.” Brandon said smoothly, “I make enough to support all of you.”
My eyes widened as I looked towards him. My heart raced as I thought for a moment. A child with Brandon. His handsome features mixed with mine. What kind of child would we have? A wild one or a sweet one. I couldn’t help but try to picture them once I closed my eyes. A small smile fell over my eyes, “After this season.” I whispered and opened my eyes, “After this season, I’ll quit my job.” Brandon smiled widely as he grabbed his bag.
“Well, if that’s the case.” He said as he handed me a small box. I looked at him confused as I slowly opened the black box to reveal a beautiful diamond ring. Blue and green gems were wrapped around the large diamond on the golden band. My mouth opened as I gasped and looked over to him.
“Now, this isn’t a wedding ring, but it is a promise ring.” Brandon said and grabbed my hand again, “I want you to know that soon. Very soon if it was up to me, a wedding ring will be on your finger as well.” He said as he kissed my hand. I smiled and kissed his lips as I looked at the ring in the box.
“It’s so beautiful.” I gushed as I kissed his lips multiple more times as I leaned out of the chair, “I love you.” I whispered towards him.
“I love you Tori.” He said and kissed my lips once more.
“Tori, can we please swim!” C asked as she looked at me and hopped around putting on her floaties. I smiled and nodded as I placed the box in the beach bag.
Coating C with sunscreen I pulled off her sun dress and let her go in front of me. Standing under the umbrella I started to pull off my own sundress. Brandon watched me with excited eyes as C started to rush back towards the water. After watching her scream and run back from the water, I scrunched up my dress. Quickly I threw it towards Brandon.
His hazel eyes instantly lit up as he looked at my bright yellow bikini. His eyebrows lifted as he looked over my tanned body, “You got a little drool right there.” I joked and touched his lips as he grabbed my waist and pulled me in his lap. Instantly I could feel the hardness in his trunks as he kissed my neck.
“I’m going to drool later tonight.” He said in a husky tone as he placed his lips on my shoulder.
I gasped as his hand reached to my stomach to hold me to him. He sucked on my skin hard enough to leave the annoying hickeys he enjoyed leaving on my body. He had told me once it was to show I was his. But anymore I could see that he just generally liked leaving the hickeys on my body. And he has gotten rather good at doing it quickly. I giggled as I pushed myself out of his grasp. Brandon looked up to me as he smiled widely, I turned around and kicked the chair he was laying on.
The little nudge instantly folded the plastic chair and it started to fall over. Pulling him along towards the sand. I laughed as I jumped in the sand and rushed away from the spot. Rushing onto the wet sand I grabbed C and pulled her to my hip.
C giggled and squealed loudly when Brandon found us and lifted us up in the air. His arms around my waist as water splashed from my kicking feet. He twirled us in the sun before he placed me back on my feet. I laughed loudly as a wave pushed against us. C quickly held onto my stomach as we started to walk deeper in the ocean.
I loved it here. I loved this moment as Brandon pulled me closer to his body as he stole C away and held her high as a wave crashed against us. We only went to where the waves didn’t break up and floated along the moving water. I held onto Brandon’s shoulder as he held his hands under C’s as she paddled in the water.
We played in the deep water as the sun rested high in the sky. I often swimmed down to the ocean floor looking for sea dollars with my eyes closed. But when I kicked myself back to the surface I started to feel anxious. The feeling seemed to get worse as I looked up to the sun, the feeling made my heart beat as I looked around at the people swimming near us. Brandon looked over to me and then to the other people in the sea as life guards blew their whistles, “What’s wrong?” He asked. I opened my mouth and then looked around. My body whirled in the water as I turned to Brandon and parted my lips.
What was this feeling, this- this- no.
Quickly I moved over and kissed Brandon, my hands going through his wet hair as my body pushed against his. I made sure it wasn’t a peck, but a real kiss. Brandon wrapped an arm around my waist as he kissed me back, his other arm holding C as I felt what I could only believe was the bond fade.
But this time I didn’t act as if I was looking for anything as I pulled back and touched his face, “Tori!” Ayla shouted and waved her hands towards me. Ryan had a hand around Ayla’s shoulder as he smiled towards us. The three of us quickly moved out of the water as C rushed toward Alya and giggled up to her, “Looks like you two were having a lot of fun.” She said and smirked towards me. I chuckled as Brandon placed a hand on my back.
“The water feels nice, did you want to go in?” I asked and looked back to the waves that were growing further onto the land.
“It’s actually about to storm.” Ryan said and pointed to the dark clouds in the distance.
“We better hurry back to the apartment.” Ayla said and looked at Brandon, “Did you drive?” She asked.
“Nope.” Brandon said and looked towards me, “I can walk back.” He said.
“I’ll walk with him.” I said and grabbed my sundress I had thrown at him before. I pulled my sunglasses and then looked at the box, “Oh look!” I said and grabbed the black box, I placed the ring on my finger and turned towards Ayla.
“Oh my god!” Ayla squealed and grabbed my hand and smiled towards Brandon, “It’s so beautiful!”
“It’s a promise ring.” I said and looked up to Brandon as he bumped his shoulder against mine.
“Soon to be a wedding ring.” He said.
“No wonder she was kissing you like that.” Ryan said and chuckled as he bumped his fist with Brandon’s. Before we could talk anymore thunder made itself known. I sighed as I looked towards Brandon as he grabbed the beach bag and bent down to grab my waist, “We will meet you at the apartment!” He shouted as he lifted me up and started to run with me draped over his shoulder.
C and Ayla and I giggled loudly as Ryan chuckled and started to grab the rest. I softly screamed as I looked back at Brandon rushing past couples. Once we got on the boardwalk Brandon placed me down and wrapped an arm around me as we walked down the street to the apartment. I leaned my head into his chest as my hand rested over his heart.
“Do you work tonight?” He asked as he looked over to me. I nodded and looked away for a moment.
“Of course.” I said and looked up to his annoyed face, “I’ll be fine and just think, this is my last season.”
“You don’t have to do it at all.” He said and shook his head.
“Hey.” Grabbing Brandon’s jaw he stopped walking to look at me, “We’ve talked about this.” I whispered. Brandon sighed and nodded.
“Fine.” He said and kissed my lips he then looked at the crowd of people and looked at the busy road, “Want a ride?” He asked and raised an eyebrow.
“You’re going to be sore.” I said and looked at him.
“You can give me a ride later.” Brandon said, I laughed and looked at him and started to climb up his back.
