Chapter 1
One Day I’ll Be Good Enough For You
Original song by Caroline E. Martin
You held me on your shoulders
Told me it was over
That no star would ever shine as bright
You acted like a hero
Took my hand
Then threw me to the floor
Cold and wanting more
Cause it was your attention I lacked
Make me question my worth
Then force me to stand
I know we’re not perfect
No we never were
You left me stranded
God
Did that hurt
And now we’re twelve feet under water
Lost value, lost youth
You left me stranded
Ridding me of
Any hope that we could be happy again
You wanted me to want you like Heaven’s hand
You needed a weapon when I needed your love
Saying one day I’d be good enough
Now I spend
All my time undercover working for you
All my time questioning if I have value
Beyond the labels you gave me
The tears that you made me
I’m my own person, yet you have me making me change into someone who questions her worth
And I know we’re not perfect
No we never were
You left me stranded
Basking in my hurt
And now we’re twelve feet under water
Lost dignity, lost growth
You left me stranded
Rid me of
Any hope we could be happy again
You wanted me to want you like Heaven’s hand
You needed a weapon when I needed your love
Saying one day I’ll be good enough
Enough for your love
Enough for you smile
Enough for the family you built then burned to the ground
Enough to rebuild
Enough to hold back
Enough to let go of the fear you hold around my neck
You tear up any hope I’d ever had left
That we could be happy again
You wanted me to want you like Heaven’s hand
You needed a weapon when I needed your love
Saying one day I’d be
Good enough
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Trigger Warning - Body Image, mention of drugs
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Chapter One - Carrie’s POV
“It just doesn’t fit your body type,” my mother watched me, her eyes as thin as a cats as I walked out of the changing room, spinning around in the pink dress I had chosen.
“I don’t know, I kind of like it.”
Mom shook her head quickly, making strange in and out hand movements as she stated, “No, no. You’re a little too- considerable.”
I looked into the long mirror, over the last few months, I had gained a pound or two- maybe she was right. I ran a hand through my dirty blonde hair, nodding, “Yeah.. I guess.”
She placed a hand on the small of my back, smiling considerately, “If you’re insecure, we can put you on a diet. I got a membership to the gym across the street from our house- you and your little friends could make it a competition.”
Everything was a competition with mom, who weighed the least, who looked the best. Who’s eyeliner was the most straight, who’s cry was the most prettiest. Everything had some aspect of challenge, when my mother was little, she had been a pageant queen and some of those- tendencies; they stuck. I nodded slowly as the woman traced my back, pulling at the fat on my side, “Yeah, yeah. That would be nice.”
“I knew you’d like the idea,” she smiled as if victorious, “We want you to be perfect. Not too toned, not skinny- and certainly not this elephant of a body you have now.”
I cleared my throat, feeling the urge to rip the dress off of my body, to rip my body off of my body, “Mom.”
“Sorry darling, was that too far?” she rubbed my back before stepping away, “I’m sorry, I don’t know how to mind my mouth. Why don’t you try the next one on.”
“Actually mom, I’m getting tired,” I said, “Plus, I um, Flinn and I have a date today.”
“A date? Why wasn’t I informed?”
“Well, it’s not really a date,” I said, in fact he wasn’t even expecting me, “But I thought it would be nice to hang out with him and his sister and have a sort of family day.”
“You both aren’t family. We’re family.”
“Of course we are mom, but we can always invite more people to join,” I spoke slowly, as if she were a child in whom I needed care to avoid tantrums, “It’s just, ever since dad died..”
“Nothing has changed.”
“Right,” I hesitated, “Nothing.”
Truth be told, everything has changed. Way more than this woman will ever realize.
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“Carrie?” Flinn opened the door, confusion filling his eyes as my boyfriend looked me up and down. I crossed my arms, self conscious as he held the door open, inviting me in.
“In the flesh,” I stated, thanking him as I entered the large house. We walked straight into the living room, the walls were painted the brightest shade of white this world had to offer, the furniture a mixture of glass and black, leafery and plants dotting the room, adding color to an otherwise checkered spot of scenery.
I slipped my cardigan off, hanging it on the coat rack as he stared at me, “What are you doing here?”
“Where’s Annie?” I asked, pulling my hair up into a ponytail.
“She’s in her room, playing Roblox, I think.”
“You sure she isn’t flirting with Discord boys?”
“They aren’t boys, they’re men,” a small girl walked through the hallway on the other side of the room, her blonde hair falling down to her waist as she skipped over. It took her but a moment to get to me, her thin arms wrapping around my thighs as her head pressed against my waist. I stiffened as I felt my body shift, “Hey Annie.”
“It’s Anabella,” she pouted.
I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, “What’s up with the name change?”
“I’m not changing my name. Anabella is my name.”
“I know it is, but you said you didn’t like it.”
“Well, I changed my mind,” she moved away from me, crossing her arms, “I like it now.”
I couldn’t help but laugh as Flinn pushed past me to stare down at Annie, “Discord men?”
“It was a jooooooooke,” Annabel fell back into him, exaggerating ‘joke’ as he caught her under her arms, “Kind of.”
Finn pulled her up, sighing before glancing at me, “You’re a terrible influence on her.”
“No she isn’t.”
“Why yes I am,” I leaned down, flicking the child’s nose before walking along behind the couch and spinning to turn to the front of it. I plopped my purse down on the cushion before sitting next to it. Annie hurried to sit next to me as Finch leaned against the back of the couch, leaning to kiss the top of my head.
“So, you’re staying then?” he asked.
“Say yes, say yes, say yes, say yes,” Annie chanted.
I laughed, nodding as Annie flopped back over my lap, her head hitting my purse, “Geez, what is in there?”
“Discord men.” I winked.
“You know I- your BOYFRIEND- am right here, yes?”
“You can always join us.”
“Oh my lord, save me.”
“Can I join Caroline?”
I scrunched my nose, leaning back into the black leather couch, “Just because you ‘like’ your full name, doesn’t mean I like mine.”
Annie made a ‘hmph’ noise as Finch picked her up and moved her off of my lap so he could sit besides me. “Alright Annie, go do your homework.”
“You aren’t my dad,” Annie crossed her arms.
“I’m the closest thing you have,” Flinn winked as she smiled a little, grudgingly walking down the hallway, up the stairs and back to her room.
Once she was out of eyesight, he turned to me, pulling me on to his lap, “Discord men, eh?”
“Hotter than you’ll ever be.”
“Is that so?” He chuckled, pulling me into his chest. I leaned harder into his chest, closing my eyes as I listened to the steady beat of his heart. Bum badum, bum badum, bum badum. I tapped my fingers along, the cold leather bouncing up and down. I could have written a million songs to that beat.
“I’m not sure I want you talking to these men anymore,” he ran his fingers through my hair, sending tingles down my neck, “What do you talk about anyways?”
“Running away, buying hamsters and starting a drug factory,” I hummed, relaxing, “The usual. I could take you with me.”
“You know you’d need to take Annie with you. And, your ideas aren’t really kid friendly.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, leaning up and kissing his chin, “She loves hamsters.”
“Drugs?”
“I’m sure she’d enjoy them.”
He flicked my thigh, “You’re an idiot.”
“You’re an asshole.”
It was silent for a moment, the only sounds being our breathing and the music of his heart. “When do your parents come back?”
“I’m not sure,” he admitted, “They’ve been out on business for the last few months.”
“Have they not called or anything?”
He looked at me for a moment, as if debating something, then finally shook his head, “No, they haven’t. It’s weird.”
I nodded, “People don’t just disappear.”
“You’d be surprised.”
I turned around, sliding my hands over his shoulders until my arms stretched out around his neck. I let my legs spin to either side of him, “Is something wrong?”
His eyes darted around the room, like they always did when he was upset or lying. “I just miss them,” his voice was soft, sad.
I nodded, pulling him closer into me. He rested his head in the crook of my neck, whispering, “Annie knows nothing about them. The longest they stay is for a week. What happens when she grows up?”
“Annie’s strong.”
“Of course she is, but that’s not the point,” he whispered, I strained my ears to hear him, tilting my head so they were as close to his lips as possible. His breath sent shivers down my spine, “I want her to have a family.”
“You’re her family- we are her family.”
“We?”
“I’m over here often enough,” I said, smiling, “You’re her metaphorical dad and I’m her metaphorical mom.”
He sighed as I continued, “We take care of her more than they do- way more than they do. I mean, this isn’t even my house and I’m over here almost every day.”
“We love her more than they ever will.”
I didn’t know what to say, “I’m sure your parents love you both.”
“You don’t know shit.”
I jumped back a little, staring down at his back, “Everything I know, you’ve told me.”
“Carrie?”
“Flinn.”
“Thank you.”
“For?”
“For being here.”
“Always.”
