Chapter 1 the suicidial girl
I struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life. I attempted suicide several times. I had been hospitalized multiple times. I started attending an independent fundamental baptist church. I made a profession of faith. Things went well. I was doing much better.
One day I felt depressed. I was numb. I was pondering taking my own life that day. I went over to pills. I almost took them. I could not do it. I did not know what to do.
I needed to talk to someone. I did not have any real close friends at the church. I did not fit in. I was not comfortable with any of the members. I could not do anything.
I decided to call the pastor. The pastor was new. He had just been called. I barely knew him. He was a widower with three daughters. He was stoic. he was strict. He came off as cold and a feeling. I was afraid of him. We did not speak to each other. I figured he did not like me.
I wore pants. I did not dress up for church. I figured he did not like me. I needed help. Might as well try I supposed. I found the pastor's phone number in the church directory. I dialed it.
"Hello pastor grant speaking," he said."pastor it's Abby from church." I said "Abby you ok? You don't sound so good." He said. "I am not. I almost tried to take my own life. I don't understand what's going on." She said.
"Where are you?" He asked. "I am at my apartment. " I said. "I am coming to get you. we can have supper and talk. We will go from there. " he said.
His sisters watched the girls as he got in the car. He kept me on speakerphone. He asked me to wait for him on the steps. I was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans. I put on sandals.
He pulled in. I ran to him. He got out Ans gave me a great big hug. I held on to him. "Look you're going to get through this ok? How you are feeling right now is not how you are going to feel later. Things might not be better but they will be different." He told me.
We got into his van. "So we are about to sit down for supper. Why don't we eat then we will decide how to proceed? I think you may need to be hospitalized. " he said.
It was a short drive. He parked the van. We went inside. "This is my sisters, Marissa and Alisha and Megan," he said. I introduced myself. His youngest daughter was playing with her dolls. I asked her dols name.
Marissa announced that dinner was served. We went into the dining room. We sat down to eat. The pastor prayed. we have lasagna. It was really good. I enjoyed it. The girls were really cute. They were really funny.it was nice to see a family. I had never really had a family before.
After the meal, we went to the living room. "I assume you have a history of anxiety and depression?" He asked."I do. I have been diagnosed with both. I have tried to take my own life before. "I admitted. " how are you feeling right now?" He asked. "I am numb. I feel a sense of.total.dread. I just can't go on. " she said. I started to cry.
Marisa came over and put her arm around me. She patted my back. "The Lord loves you. He saved you. He died for you. He redeemed you. Our lord in the garden prayed that the disciples would not be removed from the world but would be delivered from the evil one. He wants you to hear. You still have a mission here." He said.
"All of creation is under a curse. Nature is groning Romans eight tell us. Nature is earned for the recreation that will occur after Jesus come back. We groan as well. A pastor once said, someday we will live in the sweet by and bye. Right now we live in the nasty now and now. Christians have help for today, hope for tomorrow. Help in this life, hope in the next. We have the help. of the holy spirit. " he said.
"Your depression could be a chemical imbalance. It could be environmental. It could be triggered. It could be a sad anniversary. perhaps triggered by bad memory. " he said.
"I woke up sad. It has just gotten worse." I admitted. "You said you were going to overdose on pills?" He asked. "Yes. I was going to take a bunch of Tylenol. " I admitted. "do you have other pills in the house?" He asked. "I have a bunch of stuff," I admitted.
"Do you have weapons? Guns knives ?" He asked. "No just kitchen knives. " I answered. " I think you do need to go to the hospital. I would like to take any medication not prescription out of your apartment. "He said. " ok. "I said.
I said goodbye to the girls. Marissa hugged me. "We are all here for you. I know we just met but your family ok. Don't forget that. " she said. Tears fell down my face. "Thank you. " I said.
We walked to the van. We both got in.
"I am here for you. When you're ready to come home, call me. If they let you have visitors, I will come to see me. I am in this for the king haul. You're not alone. I will be here for you every step of the way. I mean that. " he said.
"I know that. Thank you " I said. he took my hand. We walked to the front desk. Hi. I am Abby needs. I am a patient of Dr. Debora lions. I have her. Diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I pondered hurting myself. "I admitted.
" Who are you?" The receptionist asked."I am her pastor and a friend. "He said. She got my information. Date of birth etc. She had us take a seat. " I am sorry to drag you into this." I said." I am not. If you ever need to talk or anything, call me. If you can't get a hold of me call one of my sisters. Go through the entire church directory if you have to. I know how depression works. I care about you. Your depression will tell you I don't but I do. Don't go it alone. I got you. "He said. he took my hand and he squeezed it.
" I won't go it alone. "She said. " good," he said. "Hello, I am doctor borrel, I am with the psychiatric department. Debora lions are your psychiatrist? " he asked. "That is correct," I said.
"You have attempted suicide before. I understand you only contemplated it." He said. "Yes. I stopped myself. " I said. "What were you going to use?" He asked "pills." I said. "Well, I am required to hold you for 72 hours. After that, we will see," he said. An orderly brought a wheelchair. "Call me when you can. You need anything call me!" He told me. I hugged him. "I told him I would. I sat in the chair. They wheeled me to the psych ward.
The ward was locked. The orderly had to enter a code. I had been through this before. The door swung open automatically. It closed and locked once we were inside. They took me to a room. I changed into a hospital gown. A nurse asked me a series of questions. I answered honestly.
Dr. Borrel contacted my psychiatrist. They talked over my case. " you did the right thing. "He told me. I knew he aaa right. They looked at my medications. They did a full battery of tests on me. I had a thousand people interviewing me.
"Hi Abby," Dr. Lions said. "Sorry I interrupted your dinner last night," she said. "It was not the first time. I am used to it. I am just glad you're ok. " she said. "I am feeling a little bit better. It scared me. " I admitted. "I can tell," she said.
The pastor got permission to see me. He came in. He wore jeans. I had never seen him wear jeans before. I had seen him mostly in suits and ties. I hugged him. "The girls drew you pictures," he said. "They are sweet," I said.
"You seem better," he said. "Getting there. I have no idea what brought it on. It scared me. I have not had an attack like this since I was saved. It was scary." I admired.
He took my hand. " it scared me too. I meant what j said the other day. We are in this together. I am going to be in your face for a while. Keep you accountable. You promise to be honest with me," he asked."I will. "I said.
He could only stay for a short time. " thank you for coming. Thanks for everything. You're a good friend." I said "always. " he said.
I looked over the drawings from the girls. A nurse came in. "Those are nice." The nurse said. "I like them. " I said.
It was a rough 72 hours. I went through the gamut of emotions. It felt like an eternity. They decided to discharge me. I had to have more follow-up visits with doctor lions. I called the pastor. "Hi pastor, I am getting paroled tomorrow. " I said. "What time?" He asked. "One pm. " I answered."I will pick you up. Do you like meatloaf?" he asked. "I do. " I said. "Good," he said.
I changed into the clothes I wore when I came in. They did the discharge papers. He met me at the entrance. They wheeled me to the van. I got in. He Hugged me. "It is nice to be back," I said. "You seem a lot better." He said. "I am getting there. " I said.
We went to his house. We went inside. Marissa hugged me. "Welcome back." She said. I hugged his other sisters. Nina wanted me to pick her up so I did.
"Thank you for dinner. This was a nice homecoming." I said. "I meant what I said, your family. Anything you need we are here for you." Marissa said. "I have never really had a family," I said. "You do now. " Alesha said.
Later on, Marissa brought me home. "Do. You want to come. over. tomorrow night?" Matt asked. "I don't want to impose. " I said. "Non-sense. We would love it. " Marissa said.
I had no idea that one day I would marry the pastor or that I would have three kids with him.it had crossed his mind. The thought that not totally developed but he did consider it. I did consider it yet.
I was thankful for matt and his family. I did not realize how much they would influence me. I did not know how much they would come to mean to me. I was feeling better. It did scare me. I never wanted to be in that place again. I was worried. The next I fell, I was not sure if matt would be there to catch me. What I did not know if that he had that same fear
