1. Freshman
Never in my life had I felt so distraught and bereft. My carefully laid out plans and thoughts of my future lay all around me like shards of broken glass. Impossible to put back together. At least not without a great deal of pain.
I never thought that I could end up here. An empty shell of the person I used to be. I shivered as the cold water splashed down on me as I sat on the freezing bathroom tiles. Cold. Damaged. Nothing. That's how I felt. Have you ever felt pain so sharp yet so numbing at the same time? I know it doesn't make sense now but it will.
I used to be happy as could be. Not deliriously so but as much as the next person, and I was content with my lot in life. I had a burgeoning career, school wasn't so bad, I was making my own money, and for the first time in a while, I actually felt kind of safe. I'd been bullied all through my life and felt like I finally came into my own in college. It's very cliche to "find oneself" in college, but I truly felt like that was what was happening. I could be myself and do what I wanted and I was having an absolute blast doing it. Funny how things can change in the blink of an eye. One minute you feel like everything is great and nothing can get to you. You feel invincible. Soaring above your insecurities, shortcomings, and all other types of negativity. All it takes is one tap of that first domino to send it all crashing down. But that was then and everything was great! I had a best friend as well for the first time in my life and she got me like really got me. People would oftentimes joke that we were like twins, especially the way we could almost finish each other's sentences or read each other's minds.
Don't get me started on the boys. For the first time ever, I felt like I was more than just a wallflower. Guys were finally starting to be interested in me. Okay, maybe the boys that had come before in High School couldn't fully be to blame. After all, I had literally such crippling social anxiety and anxiety in general that I probably wouldn't have known a crush if it bit me in the face. But in college, chile it was a whole different ball game. Take for instance this one guy. Tall, cute, smart as hell. Now it wasn't any type of love at first sight scenario mind you. Sure I liked him, side note, he smelled amazing! But he would come across as brash and aloof at the same time. He thought it would be cute to go around calling me freshman all the time. Again clueless in boys me, couldn't for the life of me fathom why he wouldn't just leave me alone. They really should call me clueless Skye at that point.
I'm not saying I had zero experience with boys, I had been in a long-distance relationship for quite a few years, fell in and out of love with a former drug addict (don't ask), and had fun here and there with a couple of other boys, but again, due to anxiety, it was never anything super serious since I would be too ANXIOUS to actually meet with said boys that often. sigh. I am a whole mess.
Anyway, back to, let's call him Mr. Freshman. For purposes of clarity, I must explain that Freshman was not a Freshman, he was more of a Sophomore, whether pertinent, I'm not sure, let's just see where this goes. Anyway. Despite having had a few situationships under my belt, I had literally never been asked out before. Like formally. The words "you want to go on a date with me", had never been uttered to me before. So lo and behold one day while I was kiki-ing with my girls, Freshman's classmate casually tells me that he was asking for my number. Now I'm shook chile, because to my clueless ass, he had no interest whatsoever. But if I'm going to be something, it's curious. So I give her the go-ahead to pass along my number, I know, so very mid-2000s of us.
He hit me up the very next day and was suspiciously sweet. Mind you, this guy has been nothing but a nuisance since I started school so I'm hella suspicious of him. But he was actually quite endearing. He asks me out, like formally to go to the movies with him. Again shook.
