Chapter One
Drops of water misted onto my hair, collecting like crystals on a vintage chandelier. I watched them shimmer and move as I let the steaming water pound my chest until it was red. I turned and let my back feel the warmth, flipping my hair so it fell down my shoulders. The crystals weren’t there anymore; they were replaced as my hair was completely weighed down by the water. I reached behind myself to turn the knob even warmer, then let the water sting my back as I slid into the shower floor. I sat there until the stinging dulled to a warmth, then became lukewarm, until it finally settled into a bitter cold. My hair was half dry and frizzy again, so the crystals returned. I stared at them until I couldn’t tolerate the cold anymore, then opened the sliding glass shower door and grabbed the towel beside it to wrap myself in. I grabbed the bottle of water I sat next to the sink and took a long drink before I walked into my bedroom, settled into my comforter and opened social media so that I could get lost in random videos for hours. Self care, right? I guess it would be self care, if it wasn’t three o’clock in the morning. I have constant insomnia now, ever since learning about my diagnosis last week. PTSD, anxiety and severe depression. How in the fuck could I have PTSD and not know it? The anxiety and depression, sure, they were a given. It’s genetic. I can count on one hand how many people in my family don’t have at least one of the two. But PTSD, that was the real shocker. The funny thing about it is, I was only in the office with my doctor for about thirty minutes before he voiced his suspicions. How is it that obvious for one individual to diagnose me within thirty minutes, when my own family and friends were completely blind to it? Shit, I was completely blind to it. The feeling of turning my emotions “on” or “off” was entirely normal to me. It almost felt like a super power, in a way. Something happens that’s too upsetting to process at the moment? Haha, I don’t have to. *Click* Immediate coping mechanism. It was cool, until it wasn’t. Until I turned my emotions off so much that I became numb to literally everything. It was cool until being numb became terrifying, and I couldn’t snap out of it. It was cool until I would be having a great day, laughing and enjoying myself, when all of the sudden *click*, there goes my entire abilities to think or function because I’m too numb to even comprehend where I am. So after a mental break down to my mother, now I’m medicated with a promise that this is what’s best, a promise that I could become my normal self again. Now it’s just a waiting game, to see if the medicine works, to see if the therapy works, and to see if the self care works. On the bright side, I’ve started caring enough to shower on a regular basis. Do the showers turn into me zoning out on the floor until I’m freezing ninety percent of the time? Sure, yeah they do. But ya know, at least they happen.
So now here I am, wrapped in a towel and my comforter, scrolling through videos and searching for serotonin so that I can fall asleep. That is, until my phone becomes illuminated and I see the one person I wouldn’t ignore, even at three in the morning. I groan as the picture of his face covers the video of a girl butchering her hair for views.
“Hello?”
“Yeah, don’t act like you were sleeping”
“I wasn’t, and I’m not”
“Mmhm. Get dressed and meet me outside”
“Outside..Now?”
“Now would be best, yeah”
I heard the sound of metal clattering through the phone before Cole hung up and my phone went dark again.
“Mother fucker”, I whispered to myself. I unwrapped myself from the cocoon I had created, then bent down and grabbed the silky robe that I wore around my house now. I tore down all my blinds and curtains once winter came around in order to fill my house with natural sunlight. I wanted to soak in vitamin D without going outside as much..I hate the winter. Plus I heard it helps with the depression bullshit. However, that meant I couldn’t walk around my house naked anymore, hence the robe. It felt boujee and unnecessary, but my dad demanded it. I guess pulling into your daughter’s driveway just to find her naked every now and then was traumatizing in itself.
I slipped into the robe, then made my way downstairs and out my front door. I laid eyes on Cole, sitting in his warm diesel truck that sputtered in the cold air. I bit my lip and searched my pocket for a cigarette, knowing this was going to be a short conversation. We were both just as stubborn as the other, most of our arguments leading to dead ends either way, but that didn’t stop us.
“No”, I said as I sauntered up to his window.
He rolled his eyes and frowned at me.
“And why not?”
“Because the answer is no, Cole. Take it or leave it. Either way, leave.”
“I’m not leaving. Not until you give me a good reason to”, he shrugged.
“Okay, I’ll give you three. It’s fucking freezing out here, it’s three in the morning, and I don’t want anything to do with this” I took a hard drag from my half lit cigarette, letting the cherry glow in the night while the smoke encircled my face, hoping my argument was convincing enough for him to actually leave it at that.
“At least one of those statements was a lie. I’ll let you figure out which one”, he smirked before he rolled up his window and pulled further into my driveway, towards the barn at the end of the gravel road.
“Goddamnit”, I huffed, then stomped out the cigarette with a bare foot before walking after him. I watched the trailer lights fade as they got further away, but the sound of pounding metal and shrieking didn’t. It was a long walk to the barn, and even worse with cold air forcing its way through the lungs that I abused on a daily basis. I pulled tighter on my robe so that I could shove my hands between my armpits and my boobs for warmth and listened to the coyotes howl from a distance. I pulled my robe tighter as I scanned left and right through the pastures on both sides of the road. The pastures used to be full, back when I was actually working. As unofficial as it was, I ran a decent rescue through the farm that my grandparents had left for me. Abandoned or abused horses, problem horses, the ones that people didn’t want. Growing up, I never had what you might call a “good” horse. All of them were dickheads that came with their own set of issues. My family believed that you only ever earned good horses, they weren’t just given to you. So I would make the best out of what I had, no matter the circumstances. Which led to me having a certain affinity for misfit and misunderstood animals, and it carried on into adulthood. I was happy doing it, until the accident. The funny thing is, it wasn’t even a rescue or “problem” horse that caused my accident. It was my own project horse that did it, which probably bruised my ego more than I care to admit.
I made my way to the entrance of the barn, glowing under the giant light that Cole had just turned on. I hired Cole after the accident, since I was barely able to care for myself. I needed someone to look after the animals until I found a better place for them to go. The farm dwindled down to only five horses, which was enough for me to care for on my own after I recovered. I didn’t really need Cole anymore, but he kind of just stuck around. He had started to grow on me, anyway. We quickly became friends after I found out he wasn’t going to put up with my bullshit. I needed someone like that in my life, since everyone else was too scared to open their mouths around me anymore, plus the extra help around the farm was nice.
“Hell of a new project for you to start in the dead of winter”, I mumbled as I walked up to him. He laughed, then shook his head.
“Yeah. Well less space equals more time, right?” He flashed another smirk at me and I frowned.
“Doesn’t quite add up to me”, I shrugged, then pulled my robe tighter for more warmth.
“You cold?“, he asked. He opened his truck door and pulled out a brown hoodie that he threw toward me.
“Why the fuck would you figure that when you’re dragging me out here in the middle of the night?” I bitched at him before slipping it on.
“Listen. If you don’t want to work with him, you don’t have to. I’m not gonna force you to do something you’re not ready for. I got a call tonight about him and went to check it out myself. Dude’s in bad shape. A friend of mine pulled him from a sale barn and brought him home, but it’s just too much for him to handle right now”
Cole tilted his head down at me and pressed his lips together in a straight line. I stared at him before I finally nodded toward the trailer door and sighed.
“Yeah. Sounds like he’s too much for anyone to handle right now. If you’re so damn dead set on it, put him in the round pen, away from the other horses. I don’t want them catching whatever he’s carrying around from the sale barn. Don’t expect me to do much else for him, though.”
I caught a weak smile from Cole as he walked toward the trailer and unlatched it, letting a whole new eruption come from inside. He walked in and grabbed the lead rope, then the horse really came alive, practically dragging Cole out of the trailer with him. They stood outside huffing together, steam pouring from the horse’s nostrils as he held his head high, shivering like a ticking time bomb. I crossed my arms and frowned as I moved around him, taking in all of the bloody gashes and old scars that covered the horse.
“What the hell happened to him?” I asked.
“No clue. They didn’t really have a backstory on him. His owner or whoever just dropped him off at the sale and told them to mail whatever check they got for him. Didn’t seem to want to stick around. My buddy saw what happened and bought him out before he even went through the ring. Said he was scared that if the horse did go through there, the only bidder would be a meat buyer.” Cole stood and ran the back of his hand over one of the bay horse’s scars. He jumped at the touch, pulling back on the lead rope and making Cole dig his heels in the ground to maintain control.
“Jesus Cole, just put him in the pen before he gets loose”, I growled at him. I held open the gate and stood back so the gelding wouldn’t feel trapped. He bolted through the opening, spinning around to face me once he was inside as I shut the gate. Cole unhooked the lead rope and swung a leg over the panels to join me on the other side.
“Well. Whatever happened to him, it was nothing good”, I sighed and lit another cigarette.
“Yeah, looks like it”, Cole slid over to me and grabbed my cigarette to take his own drag off of it before winking at me.
“I have nothing to do with this. Got it? Your save, your responsibility. You take care of him, you work with him. Don’t bring a horse in here expecting me to find pity or whatever you’re trying to get me to find in it. And if he fucks anything up on this farm, you’re paying for it. I’m serious Cole. Don’t try to bullshit me on this one”
I locked eyes with him, making mine as unmoving as I could before I turned and made my way back to my house, looking for the warmth that was under my blanket again.
“Just get in the truck, Anna. I’m not trying to bullshit you on anything. I need the jacket back, anyway! Can’t afford another one with what you pay me!“, he yelled. I laughed and walked back to him.
“I’ll get in the truck. If you come inside once we get there”. I pulled the hoodie off, letting my robe fall back in place and Cole’s eyes landing on my breasts as I stared at him.
“I have no business in your bed, Anna”. He was serious now, which intrigued me. I liked the game of cat and mouse that we played with each other. It made things interesting and it kept me entertained on my worst days.
“Who said anything about the bed?“, I asked him. I shoved the hoodie in his arms before I turned and walked away, knowing that he was watching as I walked barefoot back up the cold gravel road to my house.
Cole was cute, in a diamond in the rough sort of way. He had a nice smile and eyes that wrinkled when he laughed, which showed me they were always genuine. He was scrawny when he came here, which made me skeptical of how hard he could really work. He was a washed up bronc rider that quit the rodeo when his ex wife took off with everything they had. He gained some nice muscle after a few months of working here, though. I got a good look at it in the summer when he would walk around with his button up shirt half undone. He had dark green eyes and hair that seemed to be at least one shade of every color. I often wondered what it would be like just to grab it every now and then. Cole always flirted back with me, but he would never actually close the deal whenever I gave him the chance, which was pretty often. I respected that about him, but I also wondered if he was just scared that I was too fragile. Either emotionally, or physically.
After the accident, I was pretty bedridden and unable to walk without extensive physical therapy. After my recovery, I was bedridden all over again. I later learned that was just from the depression, which was probably pretty obvious to anyone who witnessed it. I probably look like an emotional trainwreck to him or any guy that I show interest in. I went from being a strong, independent woman to someone who’s afraid to even look herself in the mirror.
I would say I’m at least a six or seven on a scale of attractiveness. Definitely not a ten, since I don’t care about my personal appearance these days. But if I actually take the time to brush my hair and throw some makeup on, I’m at least decent. My figure could be better, since most manual labor was out of the question for so long after recovery. I have nice boobs though, and I’m starting to like the look of my newly found ass. My hair has always been my best feature, with the way it has natural Shirley Temple-esque springy black curls. I never really cared about whether guys were attracted to me or not, since I was always busy with something around here. I never had the time to care. Now, I have nothing but time. I’m not looking to date anyone, since my therapist says I need to learn how to be at peace with myself before dragging anyone else into my situation. I completely agree with that fact, but having someone to warm my bed every once in a while wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. I need a distraction from myself, especially at night.
I listened to the bay gelding squeal again as I walked up my front porch. I turned and looked towards the barn, where Cole had left the light on. “Softie”, I thought.
Cole pulled up behind me and cut the engine to his truck before he got out.
“I’ll stay”, he said.
I wrinkled my eyebrows in confusion.
“What?“, I laughed.
“It’s late, and I wanna be closer to the bay horse if anything happens tonight. I’ll come inside, but I’m sleeping on the couch”, he looked more stern at me now and raised a dark eyebrow.
I shrugged.
“My grandma would roll over in her grave if she knew I was letting a stray sleep on the furniture”, I smiled and gave him a wink.
I opened the door and started to walk up the stairs to my bedroom.
“There’s blankets in the closet down the hall, help yourself. Make yourself at home or whatever. I’ll see you in the morning”, I told him.
“Goodnight, Anna”, he waved to me as I walked upstairs.
I shut the door to my room and slipped out of my robe, then climbed back in bed where my cocoon of blankets was waiting for me. I fell into a deep sleep, more comfortable now that I knew I wasn’t alone for the night.
