Who Am I?
“I’ve got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made-up scenarios in my head that I’m stressing about for absolutely no logical reason”. – Unknown.
Never related to a quote more, thanks unknown person.
The chapters coming up in this book talk about when I first realised I had anxiety, living with it ever since, my life from a 9-year-old up until now (yes, I’m nearly 30, my life is pretty much downhill from here right?) and everything in between. All the gory, sexy, heartbreaking, anxious and depressing details, I will speak about everything. But I will change people’s names for confidential reasons, plus I can’t remember all of them, but that’s another story …
So, I guess I should introduce myself; my name is Rose, I’m 29, my birthday is in March, which makes me an Aries, my parents had intercourse in Jamaica so I was born there, but raised in England near Birmingham (yes, I have a horrible accent), I currently live in China, I have a BA degree in Media & Journalism, serious wanderlust, I’m very passionate, have strong opinions about certain topics, I’m an only child, a little spoilt, a lot extroverted and always cold.
This is where I should say I have all these exciting, wellness inspiring, healthy hobbies but, well I don’t. My hobbies actually include; stressing unnecessarily, monitoring my always-too-high heart rate on my Fitbit, texting, scrolling for hours on social media, eating and binge-watching Netflix.
Watching TV series is definitely my favourite past-time, I usually have a TV show on all day and night sometimes just for the background noise, I even sleep with the TV chatter on, I don’t like silence. Silence means dark-thoughts, silence means over-thinking, silence means too much brain noise that I can’t switch off. So if you can't find me, I'm probably sitting somewhere with Netflix on.
But the TV shows I go for are not the romantic, kiss-me-now before it’s too late style shows, no, I’m addicted to murder documentaries, hospital dramas (shout out House MD), teen shows, and the odd trashy, brainless reality TV show. I watch murder documentaries to relax, the twists and turns, the unknown and the who dun’ it fascinates me and my weird anxious brain.
I guess I like hospital dramas because I feel health concerns are so far out of my control that I can’t stress about them, I only seem to stress about what to others may seem like ’small issues'. Therefore, watching hospital shows helps my brain to stay busy, contemplating what might be going on with the person in hospital, trying to work out the outcome and the diagnosis, even though I have ZERO medical experience, a girl can dream.
On top of this, I also love teen shows and shitty reality shows, both of these genres take me away from my own reality which sometimes is too hard to live in. They are the perfect escapism; watching people stuck in a house for days on end talking nonsense, watching a z-lister celebrity eat bugs or even watching two people dance around a ballroom; they are all the perfect recipe for easy, mindless viewing. I have spoken to other anxiety-suffers about this and many agree with me, my mind needs to be in the right state to be able to watch serious, drama-filled, tension-building shows; as it sometimes can be too close to home.
es.cap.ism – the tendency to seek distraction and relief from unpleasant realities, especially by seeking entertainment or engaging in fantasy.
I also love cooking; the kitchen is my happy place. I get in the zone, I relax and I switch off, maybe not for long, but for a few minutes at least. My iPad on one side of the kitchen with a murder show on it, me on the other side preparing a dish, nothing on my mind except the ingredients in front of me. I guess maybe it’s the process of cooking that helps me relax, the step-by-step and the control it gives me, recipes are logical, and I’m in charge of the cooking process, meaning, I can actually control my brain noise during those 30 or so minutes. Plus, I get so proud of myself when I see everything on the plate, feeling accomplished at what I created from just a few ingredients.
I worked in pubs for 7 years from the age of 15, all the way through college and university. It’s during this time I met some of my closest friends, lost my virginity, had my first affair and had my first heartbreak.
I have a degree from Worcester University in Media & Journalism, after graduating I worked in a garden shed company working as social media manager, then I went on to work for a small marketing company in Solihull for 4 years where I had many ups and downs, learnt so much, grew as a person, realised I wanted to move to China, and had a lot of wild, spontaneous fun, plus my second affair happened during this period … this story is to be continued.
Back to the present; I currently work as a teacher in China, I have travelled to 26 countries so far and want to continue adding to that list, but that has sadly come to a stop recently, thanks COVID-19. I have lived here for 3 years, I have had the best time, eaten the weirdest foods, met the most amazing people and right now, I have no plans to come back to blighty, yet.
You may be wondering or asking yourself why is she even writing this book? Who cares about her life? She isn't famous. And, in all honesty I’m not expecting to become a top-seller author, I’m writing this book mainly for myself, writing down my thoughts helps me, helps my mind feel calm and its therapeutic. Plus, I’m kind of funny.
But, more importantly – if this book helps even one person suffering every day from anxiety, then I have achieved way more than I ever would have hoped for or expected. Because, trust me when I say I know how anxiety can take over your life, how much it can control you and eat you up inside and how much of a daily struggle it can be.
Please note, I’m not a medical professional at all and will not give any medically related tips to control or help anxiety, this is a memoir of everything I have been through, how therapy helped me, the things I do to make myself feel good, and how I cope on a day-to-day basis, with a bit of humour and sex added in.
The type of anxiety I have is the term called Generalised Anxiety. "GAD is a long-term condition that causes you to feel anxious about a wide range of situations and issues, rather than 1 specific event. People with GAD feel anxious most days and often struggle to remember the last time they felt relaxed."- NHS
As the definition states; this is a long-term condition, relating to many different scenarios and situations as supposed to just one event. I very rarely feel truly relaxed, and when I do finally relax, I start to feel guilty or paranoid, as if I should be thinking about something else or worrying about something or someone. I struggle to believe my mind can be empty or at peace because I have forgotten what that truly feels like.
"Life is tough my darling, but so are you."
