Life doesn’t last forever
The only thing I remember is me lying on the hard, dark grey asphalt. It was dark around me and something was lying on top of me. My head felt crushed and I couldn’t feel my legs. Everywhere I looked, I saw blood. Dark, red blood, and it was everywhere, it was my blood. But besides that, I was fine. Fine enough to realise that I almost died even if my head felt crushed and I was sure my brain was injured. But after that I didn’t remember anything, everything was just black. Just as black as in space.
Five days later after the accident I woke up at the hospital totally confused of why or how the f**k I ended up there. I had a dozen tubes connected to me and some weird fluids in different colors went through them into my body. Suddenly I noticed that a nurse was standing in front of me. She was skinny, pretty short, brown hair and stared at me with her big, blue eyes. Her name was Samantha but everyone called her Sam, she told me. Sam started telling me about the accident that just happened and that I’ve been in a coma for five days. She told me about what happened the day when I was on my way walking home from school and that a black car drove against me and hit me and how I ended up lying under the car. Next to my bed sat my mum and dad, mum was crying and dad was kind of in chock. He sat and stared into one of the room’s white walls. I hadn’t noticed the “big loss” until now, I had no legs left. I started panicking and asked Sam where my legs had gone, she told me that the doctors couldn’t save my legs and that they both had to go. She also said that it was a miracle that I still was alive. And that if you get hit by a big car and you end up lying under it, the chances of surviving are very small.
I lied in the hospital for about a month before they let me go home. It felt weird to not be able to walk and the doctors gave me like six different pills for the pain. The two following weeks I had to lie in bed everyday just to rest because my brain actually was seriously damaged from the accident. I had to lie in a dark, quiet room because I couldn’t deal with any bright lights or sounds. That two weeks I just slept everyday and finally I didn’t know what day it was. I just knew that I skipped doing homework and all the exams in school. As the time went by, anxiety started slowly growing inside of me. Finally the day came, the day when I was allowed to go back to school and meet all my friends. I was very happy to be able to go back to school but at the same time afraid because I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep up with my friends whether it was the studies or the physical moments. The thought of me never being able to walk or run again made me depressed. I didn’t really see a meaning with my life and also why or how I even survived.
The week in school all my friends talked to me and asked how I felt. Even the teachers were nice to me. I went to my classes and just sat there, staring into the walls. Trying to figure out how I survived. Suddenly I remembered what happened just before the accident. The only thing I could see in front me was the black car coming right towards me at a very high speed. That went on repeat in my head. Over and over and over again I saw a black car driving towards me.
“Rachel, how are you?” - Miss Lawrence suddenly asked me.
“I’m fine thank you” - I said.
“Just let me know if you need a break” - Miss Lawrence said.
“Ok” - I answered.
I lied. I lied to miss Lawrence and said I was fine even if I was everything but fine just so I wouldn’t have to explain what was on repeat in my head. I sat on my chair in a corner of the classroom just staring at the clock on the wall who sounded “tic tac, tic tac, tic tac”. That sound made my mind go crazy, I really hated that sound. I sat there, just wishing I could go home. Without any signs I got a headache and my head felt kind of blurry and my eyes suddenly closed.
I woke up at the hospital. Next to my bed sat Miss Lawrence. She told me that I fainted, I just collapsed and that the next second I was lying on the floor unconscious. A doctor named Jim came into the room and said that my parents were on the way. I asked if he knew why I fainted, he said the doctors didn’t know. At the same time as Jim said he didn’t know why I fainted, miss Lawrence told me over and over again that everything would be fine. Finally my parents arrived at the hospital. Mum and dad came running into the room, mum hugged me and dad grabbed my hand. Miss Lawrence told my parents what happened and that the doctors didn’t know why it happened. Jim started running some tests and 30 minutes later they came into the room and told me that I fainted because I hadn’t drunk enough water.
The doctors told me to drink more water and then they let me go home. My parents and I said goodbye to miss Lawrence and then we got home. I felt so tired after that day that I just went to bed and fell asleep.
Days went by and suddenly it has been a month since the accident. I still had the image of the black car driving towards me on repeat in my head. It was hard to focus in school. Every time I was at the crosswalk, which was right outside the school where the black car hit me, I hallucinated that the black car was coming right towards me just to hit me over and over again. I got scared and I realised I was traumatised because of the accident. I told my mum and dad about my experience and that I got scared just to be near that crosswalk. So my parents decided that I would go to a psychiatrist just to process what I’ve just been through. I thought it was a really bad idea because I thought the psychiatrist wouldn’t be able to help me. So the next day, it was a wednesday, mum took me to a psychiatrist. I went in there rolling my way to the psychiatrist room in my wheelchair. Mum helped me get into the room and then left me, she told me she would be back in forty minutes when my session would end.
I waited in the room for about five minutes until a woman came into the room. She was nicely dressed, she didn’t look like a psychiatrist, she looked more like a lawyer or something I thought. Her name was Julia, she had light, brown hair. She said hi and asked me to tell about myself. We sat there and talked about who I was and how I felt. I started telling her everything I could remember about the accident. She asked me if I had nightmares and stuff like that. I told her that I didn’t have any nightmares yet but I felt scared every time I saw that crosswalk outside the entrance to my school. I also told her about my thought of me being traumatised because of that accident and that I had this black car driving right towards me just to try and hit me on repeat in my head all time. When I sat there I felt a little bit relieved, I finally got all these thoughts out of my head and it felt good talking to someone who tried to understand me and who didn’t talk back. At the same time I went to see Jualia once every week. I still didn’t know why I should live because both my legs were gone. I also knew because I could see it in my parents actions that they felt bad for me. I was the only child in the family and I knew it would crush them if they’d lose me and that they’re happy because I survived even if my legs didn’t.
Weeks went by and it felt as it already has been a year since the accident even if it actually has been four months, two weeks, five days and thirteen hours since the accident. I got obsessed with counting hours, days, weeks and months since the accident. I didn’t really know why it became so but I think it became a way for me to process my trauma and it got me to realise how long it actually been since the accident. I continued going to Julia, my psychiatrist and it had been really helpful since the accident. Talking to Julia made me realise how much life really is worth. It made me realise that life is a precious thing and it won’t last forever. And you should always appreciate what you have and try to make every day a good day. You should also not take things or family for granted because you never know when it will end.
I continued going to school even if some days were really tough. Even if I had a bad day I kept trying to make the next day good. And even if I’ve had hard days and some days I didn’t want to go to school I still went to school. Now after I know what has happened I don’t regret it except losing my legs. I got more friends and I started feeling better slowly. Until the day came…
I was going to a friend’s house after school. My friend went before me and I was going to cross the street at that damn crosswalk again. At the same crosswalk where I got hit by that black car. Bad thoughts got inside of my head again. What if I would get hit again? I got scared but I remembered all the things that Julia told me. So I finally decided to cross the street again, one year later after the accident. Nothing could stop me this time because I decided I was going to defeat my biggest fear, after what happened to me. I looked in both directions, I wasn’t seeing any cars in the area then, so I slowly started rolling over the crosswalk in my wheelchair. Suddenly I heard a sound, it was a car which was driving fast. I just had time to look up and I saw a black car, it was the same that hit me, driving fast right towards me as if it aimed on me. My arms got paralyzed, my whole body got paralyzed. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t scream. I knew I would get hit again but would I survive this once again?
