Brothers Past

I remember my brother and the warmth of brother’s hand and what it felt like as he guided me through the snow, the crunch of our footsteps echoing as we trudged through. I remember the laughter in his voice and the innocence that was still there before things changed. That day was one of the first snow days of the year and I had begged him to take me out, just for a little while. I had gotten sick, but I had wanted to see the first snowfall of the year and I remember that he had promised to take me out.

I had watched my breath fog and held tight, like I knew he was leaving. I heard our names being called from a distance and knew that our mom was expecting us back home for dinner. The sky had stopped its snowfall and the sun had made one more appearance, turning the sky a combination of orange and pink. I stop and admire it before my brother lets go of my hand to grab a handful of snow and throws it right as my face. I fall backwards in a fit of bewilderment and laughter as my brother laughs and runs away from me.

“I’m going to get you for that!“, I yell after him. I grab my own handful of snow and start to chase after him. My foot gets caught in the snow and I fall face first before I get a chance to throw my handful. When I brush the snow out of my eyes my brother is gone and suddenly it has started snowing again. I can’t see him, but I can still hear his laughter and him calling out to me.

“Where are you? Stop playing around, you know mom is going to be looking for us soon!” I don’t hear him anymore and the snow suddenly become more dense as it blocks out everything that is in front of me.

“Zane!?“, I cry out helplessly. I can’t see and I don’t know what I’ll tell mom if we don’t come back together. I don’t know what to do and he isn’t answering. I start to feel the warmth of my tears run down my cheeks and the sounds of my high-pitched wails providing background noise to the torrential rain. It fills my view until I can’t see anything anymore.

Kai woke from his dream with forgotten tears running down his cheeks and a sense of loss so overwhelming that it threatened to drown him. He plops his head down onto his pillow and rests his arm against his eyes, blocking out the glare of the morning sun. Last night was the second time that he had dreamed about his brother Zane and how he had seemingly vanished when they were younger. Only the memory of them in the snowstorm that day seemed to consume his thoughts constantly and made him remember the little things about his brother.

The way his brown curls, colored with hints of blonde would blow in the breeze and carry hints of peppermint oil that there mother would saturate them with. The protective way that he would call Kai’s name in only the way a brother could when he knew his younger brother would be in trouble or need comfort. The contentment of his hand as he held his brother’s so that he wouldn’t slip. Even the way his clothes would sag but couldn’t hide the bruises from---

Knock. Knock. “Kai, are you ok?”

A knock came from the side of Kai’s room, alerting him to the presence of someone outside his door. He suspected it way his mother since his father never bothered to show his face since Zane’s death. Kai’s mother, Kari, knocked gently before she cracked the door open wide enough for her to stick her face through. Even after years filled with loss and grief, his mother was still the most beautiful woman in his eyes. With shiny brown hair pulled into a ponytail and eyes that were a clear reflection of his, nobody could ever claim that they weren’t mother and son. She placed her hands on her hips as the sun beamed through the window and cast her body in a glow that seemed to fill up the whole room.

Kai sat up from his position on the bed and sighed as he threw the sweat-soaked sheets off his body. Today was his first day of senior year and he was completely sure that he did not want to go. His thoughts were still on Zane and the dream he didn’t know if he could let go of just yet.

“Are you ok?“, his mother asked. She was right to be concerned for Kai. She had heard the pained groans coming from his room in the dead of night as he slept through whatever plagued him. She didn’t mean to hear it, only getting up to get a glass of water and walking by to hear the sounds through the hardwood of his door as he said the one name she could never forget. Zane’s name was rarely spoken, if ever since the accident that claimed his life 12 years ago. Kari kept his room the same as it was because to her, nothing has changed. She remained in stasis; stuck in the past, predictable in the present.

“I’m fine, Ma. Just a bad dream.” Kai peeked at his mother and preoccupied himself with getting ready for school, hoping his mother couldn’t see the truth in his eyes.

“Are you sure? I thought I heard something last night.” Kai freezes up and glances over at his mother with an unknown fear in his eyes. Kai didn’t want his mother knowing about the dreams that he’d been having and the details that had shown up that he had overlooked at the time.

“It’s nothing, Ma. Don’t worry about it,” he said with what he thought was a reassuring smile. To Kari, she saw something different behind that smile. She saw fear, which didn’t unburden her worry any more than before. She smiled back hesitantly and let Kai go. She knew that if he wanted to tell her something he would. He wouldn’t hesitate unless something had really spooked him.

“Ok. Breakfast is downstairs whenever you’re ready.” With that, Kari walked to his door and closed it softly, leaving Kai to contemplate in the silence of his room.

He gathered his clothes before he went into the bathroom to shower and brush his teeth. A brief glance at himself in the mirror made him wonder what his brother would’ve looked like had he made it to Kai’s age. With a heavy sigh, he realized there was no point in questioning things that could not be changed. He took a quick shower, put his clothes on, and carried himself downstairs with a heavy heart to accompany him. Walking mindlessly had led him to the dining room where Kai could smell the cinnamon wafting off of the French toast being cooked combined with the saltiness of the bacon wafting into the air. Kai could think of three things that brought him joy. His mother, His best friend, Charlize, and his mother’s cooking that seemed to light his soul up like a Christmas tree.

“Kai, are you down here yet?” His mother yelled from the kitchen. Kai snapped out of his daze and focused his attention on what his mother had wanted him for. “Could you please grab your father? He’s downstairs in his lab.”

Kai scowled and dreaded the thought of having to even look at his father, let alone talk to him. If there was a way for him to go back in time and make it so that his parents had never met, Kai wouldn’t hesitate to make that happen. Then he thought to himself that without his parents meeting, there would’ve been no Zane or Kai, even if Zane wasn’t here anymore. He had to remember that when dealing with his father. As Kai walks down towards his the basement where his father’s lab is, he reminisces about the good times they had and when everything started becoming tainted. Maybe it was when his parents or more specifically his father, had told him that Zane had passed. Something inside of Kai just couldn’t believe that and he still couldn’t. He knew his father was lying about something and had pulled his mother into it. Kai didn’t know what it was yet but he would figure it out. He always did.

Kai opened the basement door and stopped at the top of the stairwell, watching the glow of the machines project themselves onto the walls. His father Dean, was a scientist who had research that centered on malignant growths in the brain. Dean had grown up in a single-parent household with his older sister and Kai’s aunt, Melody. Dean was not always the aloof scientist that his wife and son know him as. He was made this way by circumstances out of his control and decisions that continue to define his choices even now. Now, Dean is cold and unreachable, contaminated by the hardships of life and his work. Kai didn’t know what it was about his father, but he felt that behind his aloof personality there was a kind of darkness lingering there.

Kai tried to hide the shudder that encapsulated his body and proceeded down the stairs, the pitter patter of his shoes announcing his arrival against the metal. The basement was originally supposed to be a shelter but Kai’s father had changed it to a saferoom/laboratory where he could perform his own experiments without anyone monitoring him. Kai wasn’t sure what his father would need to study at home that he couldn’t at his office but Kai didn’t question his decisions anymore. Not after Zane.

The footsteps alerted his father and with a jump, his father peeked over the corner of his shoulder as he tinkered with something on his desk. The light reflected a glare off his glasses so Kai wasn’t able to get a read on him.

“Can I help you with something?” Kai’s father never spoke kindly to him, only words filled with silent barbs and past hurts.

“Ma said I should come and get you,” Kai stated with obvious detest in his voice. “Thought you might want to come upstairs and eat something instead of spending all of your time down here, wasting away.” Kai did not know how to be any other way but hateful. That seemed to be the extent of his emotions: hate and leftover grief with nowhere to go. It ate at his bones and soul with nowhere left to go but at the person it should’ve been eating at. And yet, to Kai it seemed as if all his father could worry about were these pointless experiments that he continuously worked on. What was the point in trying when all your efforts weren’t realized and unappreciated?

His father continued to stare at him, heaving a great big sigh that came from a place of weariness. Dean wanted to explain to Kai everything that had happened and maybe even tell him the truth, but he knew he wasn’t ready and maybe he would never be. “I’ll come up right now. There’s no need for you to worry.” Dean took off his glasses and proceeded to wipe them, giving him an excuse to avoid the conversation.

“Trust me, I’m not. I’m doing this for mom since you can’t even be bothered to show your face anymore.” Kai was frustrated and could feel the rage steadily boiling inside him. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked back towards the stairs, leaving behind everything his father represented. He stopped when he realized there was still something that he wanted to say to him. “Do you ever think about Zane,” he put on an air of nonchalance, similar to his father’s demeanor as he continued, “Does he ever cross your mind while you preoccupy yourself while you forget about your family?” His father glanced at him with surprise and some sadness in his gaze before he locked his emotions down and regarded him with a cold exterior.

“Kai... , ” Before he continued up the stairs, he stopped and looked back at his father hoping that he would say something to redeem himself in Kai’s eyes. “Have a good day at school.” Kai stared at his father in shock and crushed hope, wondering why he even thought to give him a chance. He knew not to expect anything and he allowed himself to believe that his father would give him something to make him believe in him again. But there’s nothing left except for a dying wish and a feeling of sadness so strong that he could drown in it.

Kai shook his head and ran up the stairs, knowing there was nothing left of himself to give. He slammed the door behind him and shook his head. He forced a smile on his face and walked into the kitchen to grab his bag off the floor while his mother called out for him. He told her that he would eat once he got to school and walked out. He leaned his head back against the door and closed his eyes, trying to quell the anger taking over his body. He felt bad that he left his mother but he didn’t want to risk having an argument in case his father decided to make a surprise appearance.

He heard the loud beep of a car horn coming down his driveway and opened his eyes to find his friend, Reina Carter, parking in front of his house in her parent’s red Subaru. She rolled down her window and waved at him with a bright smile that seemed to make his mood a little better. “What are you waiting for? Hurry up!” She opened the door for him, he walked down, taking in the sunshine and the early quiet of his suburban neighborhood.

Kai’s neighborhood wasn’t fully awake until 10:00 am and even then, there was still a certain silence about it that never seemed to go away. Filled with the bright colors of red and yellows amongst the gated community, the neighbors seemed to be an eccentric extension of their environment. Vibrant Mrs. Peters next door who took any chance she could to read his fortune after he finished walking her dog or the gay couple who just moved across the street from his house, Reina and Mark, along with their baby daughter, Ivy. Kai babysat her sometimes as a favor for Reina and Mark if they couldn’t find extra childcare. Kai’s own house gave outsiders a certain idea of what they should expect, but little did they know, the inside was rotted and lonely. It made little sense how there could be such animated energy in a neighborhood and emptiness in Kai’s house. But so was the way of things.

“What’s going on? You looked a little down this morning,” Reina regarded him with a touch of sadness. Reina Carter knew a little about Kai’s home life and the loss of his brother. It was so vastly different from her family, where she only had her mother. Even though they lived on what would be considered the poor part of town, they were rich in happiness. She couldn’t imagine what the impact that the death of Kai’s brother had on him and his family.

“It’s fine. Just my dad.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” He never did but she was hoping that maybe he would give her something.

“Nah, not really.” He turned his head to stare out the window and she knew that was the end of that conversation. Her knuckles turned white as she gripped the wheel and closed her mouth. She wanted to help Kai, but with nothing but an obvious hate that she knew he had for his father, there wasn’t really anything she could do. When they reached a red light, she switched the subject.

“So are you ready for senior year?” Kai was grateful that she had changed the subject and threw a small smile her way.

“Not really. Sometimes I wish I could snap my fingers and be in college already.” Kai wanted nothing but to be somewhere else. He figured if he couldn’t have a different father, he’d rather be as far away as he could get.

“But then we wouldn’t be together, and things are more fun when I’m around, don’t you think?” Kai could tell that she was joking and chuckled under his breath. It was interesting that they had become friends, seeing as she was planning on becoming a scientist, the same profession as his dad. When he found out, he was a little upset but her personality seemed to override all the bad emotions that would usually remind him of his dad. Reina seemed to be a classic beauty with caramel skin, and twists that seemed to trail down her back. Even after finding out what she wanted to do, Kai still seemed to find her company enjoyable. He figured her question was rhetorical since she did not press him for answers and they were almost at the school. Reina turned the dial on the radio, settling them into a comfortable silence.

Driving past all the houses gave Kai the chance to reminisce about when him and Zane would ride their bikes to see who could go the faster. He remembered feeling the wind blow through his hair as the leaves crunched under their tires. The feelings that his heart was going to burst out of his chest at any minute as the traveled down the hill. The weightlessness as the bike’s wheels moved faster and faster until Kai raced at their makeshift finish line. Knowing that everything around here would always remind him of Zane only made Kai’s restlessness grow stronger. Things could never go back to how they used to be. He would never have his brother back with him.

He let out a great sigh and rolled his window down as the school finally came into view. With two floors, Hamilton High School, is unimpressive with its grey walls and blue roofs. Students mill around waiting for the school doors to open as others pull up in car pools waiting to rest their cars in the parking lot. Cliques of those who are considered popular and those who aren’t muddle the parking lot as more students pull into their designated groups before the are split up. Kai and Reina don’t generally belong to a group; more like they’d float in between groups for whichever suit their moods or purpose. But in the end, it was always Kai and Reina against the forces of school and life.

“I think I’m going to see if I can get into the lab, finish my science project.” Reina had found a parking spot as she said this and turned to Kai. Reina was religious about science seeing as she wanted to be a biologist when she was older. If her time wasn’t spent in the lab, then she would probably be found reading journals and searching up programs.

Kai tells her that he will see her later, grabs his backpack and prepares to get out the car when Reina grips his bicep and pulls him to a stop.

"I have to tell you something." The look on her face is different from her usual cheerful appearance.

"What is it?" Kai questions. He knows that its something important because Reina is almost never serious with him. She bites her lip and plays with the hem of her shirt in her other hand.

"Never mind. It's nothing." She gives him a forced smile and lets go of his arm. Kai looks at her with concern and arches his eyebrow. There's something more that she wants to say, he can tell.

"If there's something going on, why not just ---?" Kai is interrupted by the ringtone of his phone and pulls it out of his pocket. It says mom and he wonders what could've happened in between when he left and when he got here. He looks back at Reina who is fiddling with her fingers in her lap.

"We'll talk later, Ok?" Kai gets out when he hears a faint sure and takes the call from his mom.