Ghosted

I’m sorry, I never meant to leave. I’ll come back, I promise.

Thursday 22nd November 2012

His hair is so beautiful in the soft morning light. I love the way he sleepily looks up at me from his pillow and brushes his finger over my arm lightly before curling up close to me and sighing. He does it every morning, I’m not sure he realises it’s become a routine. I like it though. I hold him to my chest and kiss his head. When we get up he showers. He likes hot showers. I like cooler showers. It’s okay though, we both compromise. It’s cute, he’s still shy around me like that, even though we have lived together for 2 years now, and we’re coming up to our 5 year anniversary. He’s shy about a lot of things, even though I think all those parts of him are perfect. His body is so pretty. Every freckle. Every stretch mark. Every scar. I kiss them and tell him he’s beautiful. He is shy about his voice, and only sings when I’m not home. Sometimes I sit outside and listen to him, it makes me happy to know he feels happy enough to sing. He is also shy about his drawings. He likes to draw, I see his doodles on every paper he brings from work, every envelope I cast aside on the counter. Even the one he did without thinking on the table. It’s of a flower. I call him my flower because of it, telling him he’s beautiful, just like the flower. After he showers we eat breakfast. Often he sits next to me and eats his cereal. Sometimes he’s just a big baby and sits on my lap and clings to me. He’s cute though, my baby. Then he will brush his teeth and leave for work. He is often clingy on days he has presentations. He gets extra hugs those mornings.

I work too. I just work as a cashier, nothing fancy. Sometimes if he has time off he will come through my checkout, just to see me. One time a lady shouted at us when he kissed my cheek. It happens sometimes. One time we were talking together, holding hands, and a man came up behind us and kicked him in the back. He shouted at us. “Homos” “Disgusting” “Faggot” “devil worshipper” Those are all words that are now common to us. The sideways looks, the whispers, the sly photos. They are all very obvious to us. But we’re used to it. It’s okay, as long as I have him. My flower.

“Mmm.. good morning Love,” he said sleepily, rubbing his eye and curling up to me, pressing his body to my chest.

“Good morning my flower.” I kiss his head softly, holding him tight against me. He puts his arm over me, slowly running his hands up and down my back.

“I have to get up soon. I don’t want to, I want to stay here with you forever.” he said quietly, holding onto me tightly.

“I know baby. I promise as soon as you get home we can cuddle and go to sleep. I can brush your hair, help get you into your pajamas, bring you some tea, and cuddle with you until you fall asleep. I won’t let go until you wake up.” I kissed his head.

“Okay… I guess that works,” he said quietly, sitting up and brushing his hair out of his eyes. It’s the colour of dark chocolate. He doesn’t actually like dark chocolate. It’s pretty anyway. He stood up, tugging at the blanket until I looked up at him.

“What is it Love?”

“I… Um, can you come with me..?” he said shyly, turning his head away blushing. He hunched his shoulders. He does that when he’s embarrassed.

“Of course.” I say, getting out of the bed. I stood behind him, and held him close for a minute, before letting go and walking to the bathroom holding his hand.

I sat on the counter while he showered. The bathroom was filled with steam and the mirror was fogged up completely. I drew little shapes and squiggles through the condensation. I could see him in the reflection, his back to me. Soap filled his hair, and it slowly dripped down his back in little swirls. He quietly hummed to himself, seeming to forget I was there. All of his body is pretty. I want to climb into the shower and hug him and never let go.

“Aspen…” He looked over his shoulder, glancing at me.

“Yes Gabriel my dear?” I got off the counter, and walked over to the shower door.

“Can you come in? I feel… icky.”

Icky. Our code word. It’s an easy way for him to tell me he feels uncomfortable. Often about memories. Bad ones. His ex hurt him badly, and sometimes he remembers things from it. I’ll always be here to comfort him, I promised him.

“Of course baby, I’ll come in. I can finish washing your hair if you like, if touching you is okay.”

“It’s okay.” I take off my clothes, and climb into the shower. It smells like the lavender soap Gabriel uses. It smells like him and it makes me happy. I put my hand on his cheek, cradling his face, and kiss his nose. He sinks into my hand, and presses his body to mine. I hold him close. I can feel him shaking in my arms and he sniffs. Still holding him, I move him under the water, and begin to wash the bubbles out of his hair, and slowly run my fingers through his hair methodically. He stops shaking, and holds onto me. He still sniffs sometimes, but the crying has mostly stopped.

“It’s okay, I’m here. I’ll always be here.”