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🎄 23 days before Christmas 🎄
It’s cold.
It’s damn freezing cold.
The sheets were not able to protect me from the cold December breeze the whole night despite of closing all the windows and not turning on my fan. I was like a fetus inside my mother’s womb because this damn freezing temperature is not giving me a break.
I wiggled my toes that got magically frozen even my right foot is wearing my yellow green sock and the left one is covered with white. My nerves cracked when I tried to stretch my body but I was being careful because I’m too aware of those leg muscle cramps that will surely knock me out.
“Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum...”
Out of the blue, I hummed a phrase, was that even a phrase? All I know is that, it stopped me from pouring hot water to my big mug which contains a mixture of creamer, sugar, and coffee powders. The tune was so random. Maybe I heard that from somewhere? It doesn’t ring any bell.
I like it though.
It is cute. Like a joyous carol.
But, it is really unfamiliar to me so I just let it slide. I saw my black acoustic guitar in the corner of my living room and even though I want to experiment with the hummed tune, I’m afraid that I’m late for work.
To be honest, I just woke up this morning as if I gained a new life. It was contradicting that something in me feels new and foreign but at the same time, I just felt that I lost an energy the same way a battery level lost a bar.
That kind of energy-losing effect where I felt my soul left my body and felt it again when it went back. Like I was resuscitated.
To my surprise, nothing is a mystery to me. I just opened my eyes. Hopeful. I just know that I’m hopeful but nothing makes sense anymore as if my brain stopped from functioning so I could not comprehend any tiny detail this life has to offer.
Nothing is mysterious. Or I just don’t give a damn.
I just don’t know to why my calendar on my table is so clean that no writings are seen except to the dates I marked with a big red x-mark.
Got no freaking idea.
Maybe I’m having a Christmas countdown? 30 days to Christmas? A week was already marked in that 30-day countdown but funny how it feels like I just woke up now. Those days were a complete blur.
I locked the door of my apartment to which, I don’t have any idea how long I’m living in it. Maybe it just doesn’t really matter. Maybe, there is just no reason to live to even track my past.
The cold breeze blew again that despite of the shining sun from above, it remained a little cloudy and windy that is why it is fun to stroll around. I really hate the weather because last week, if I even remembered it right, I almost died because of heat stroke.
It is already freaking December but it felt like summer!
Anyway, I just brushed off the leaves that fell on my black jacket, a piece of fabric that can protect me from this chilly wind. As usual, I’m wearing my favorite button down to match my black trousers and loafers. For my top, the color of the day is red. I’m already thinking of what color to wear tomorrow.
It is not a terrible day, fortunately. Even I woke up without the energy I expected to have because of the feeling of losing an energy bar, it is not a terrible day.
My feet kept on kicking random pebbles on the road while I’m on my way to work but, for whatever reason, my eyes got glued at the woman across the road. She just got out of her home and the chilly wind is already playing with her hair.
There she is again.
I’m always looking forward to see her smiles even just from afar. I never had the guts to approach her and introduce myself. I have no idea when it started but all I know is that, I felt that I knew her since forever.
However, for this day, there is no smile for me. She looked sad. I even walked slowly so I could see her closely and there, I noticed that her eyes are puffy and red.
My heart breaks for her but, none of my business.
I started to walk again even I love to see her wavy, black hair that is dancing with the chilly breeze. She has a shy dimple on her right cheek but it didn’t show today because she is sad. Her eyes are beautiful and mesmerizing too but again, since she cried, it doesn’t have the usual sparkle in it.
Actually, I never saw her eyes in her happiest state. Or just a happy state.
She is always sad even if she doesn’t have that swollen eyes just like what her eyes are wearing today.
I just hope that she can find the true happiness her heart is seeking for. Maybe this Christmas, it would be granted.
Come on... I’m not this softie man. I just felt that she needs a friend but despite of that, I never gained the intention of approaching her.
It is just creepy. As if I’m not being creepy right now.
“Crap...”
I cursed to myself because our eyes got connected but it was too quick that I didn’t even feel it. It just made me leave that area right away even before the lady sees me again. It just didn’t really occur to me if she is really holding a small, colorful bagpack.
Her beautiful eyes lingered in my mind for too long that I just found myself stepping inside my workspace.
The magical world of toys.
The warehouse is too big, filled with boxes and plastics of different kinds of toys suitable for infants and young children. Those ages where children are wishing for toys for Christmas. To their parents. Or to Santa.
Or just a child’s wishful thinking. To those who don’t have parents. Or a home to feel the spirit of Christmas. To the ones who do not have anyone to sing joyful carols with.
To those who are alone...
One thing I love about this job is that, I should just man my assigned station and do my job in wrapping these toys children love so much. I don’t need to talk to anyone else who are busy in doing their own tasks too but that’s alright. I don’t mind spending the whole day talking to myself anyway.
And it’s Christmas. That means, more toys to hide in Christmas-themed wrappers.
Today, I just love the colors red and gold twinkling in front of my eyes. It is very festive.
Several toys were placed to my station for me to wrap so to whoever thought of gift-giving this time of the year, I’m thankful to that person already.
I examined the box of toy cars in my hands. I always wanted these when I was a child but instead, I got the dinosaur toy. That brown t-rex dinosaur who had a broken right arm because a bully threw it on the ground and stomped on it several times.
It was okay though. That it had a broken arm. That t-rex was still my dinosaur and I loved it so much. My mother gave it to me as a Christmas gift when I was six and I couldn’t remember if there were other toys she gave to me as a gift. We didn’t have much so instead of toys, we were using our money to buy food.
Anything just to survive.
And that’s completely okay...
It was always in my wish list. The car, I mean. The red car which was the size of my grown-up hand span that I was always eyeing whenever I was in the street. Watching it from the toy store’s window, it was giving me hope that one day, I could have it.
But that day never came.
It just happened that I never thought about it throughout my younger years anymore. I moved on.
As expected, the day passed like a blur and now, I’m staring at the dark sky while walking slowly at the busy streets of this town. Christmas season is really here and the switch from Halloween to Christmas is as smooth as the baby’s skin. Twinkling lights are all over the streets that it almost blinds me.
Most people say that those blinking lights are adding to the happy vibe of the season but it doesn’t work like that for me. Whenever I’m staring into it especially at nights, I’m becoming lonely. And sentimental. It was like eating me to the core and bringing me to a dimension of loneliness and self-pity.
I just put my hands inside my pockets and strolled around the town. I’m waiting for my stomach to rumble but it didn’t give me the satisfaction. I was just thinking of what to eat for dinner. Fish? No. Veggies? Uhm, just no. Chicken? But I just had it for the past three days. I’m not hungry anyway so maybe, I’ll just make myself a cup of coffee when I get home.
Just like the twinkling lights, my eyes twinkled too because I just spotted the lovely woman I saw earlier. This time, in this coffee shop. She has a cup of coffee in hand while talking to a woman with long, brown hair that it almost reach her hips. Maybe a friend? I don’t know. It just gave me a clue that whoever this person is, the angel trusted her.
Yeah. Angel. The codename just suited her sweet presence perfectly.
I’m just certain that she trusts the woman because she wouldn’t hold her tears like that if she doesn’t trust her enough. I just know. I just felt it. Angel’s eyes are bloodshot again and it pains me to see her suffering from a thing I know nothing about.
Who am I anyway?
I’m just this random person who probably doesn’t exist in her world. I doubt if she even knows me. My face, I mean. I am always walking down the street, in front of her street, every morning and every night so it is quite possible that she could recognize my face.
But I really doubt that.
I preferred not to be known anyway. It’s just better to be alone than to be with someone who never failed to remind you every single day that you are not good enough. Never in a million years. That everything I do is wrong. Every decision is a fail. Every moment in my life is a mess.
My father told me that.
Apparently, a certain ex of mine slapped it on my face too.
I already accepted the huge probability of ending up as a single old man but I couldn’t remove in my head completely the dream of having a loving wife and wonderful kids someday.
Someday...
But maybe, I’m just not good enough.
And this angel, there... Finally.
I got distracted.
Her shy dimple showed up because whatever this thing her friend told her put a small smile on Angel’s face. I even roamed my eyes around the busy streets to hide my smile and to, of course, not be bold that I’m admiring someone from afar.
She smiled.
And that, somehow, gave me hope that everything will get better. I don’t deserve her. I know that. She doesn’t need someone like me anyway. I’m no good for her and I have nothing to offer to her. I’m not a bright child but then, I found my way to finish school because I studied too hard but here I am... doing someone else’s duty of wrapping those toys as gifts.
I just walked away and kept these bags of doubt I have in me. My home is a complete mess but somehow, it doesn’t look messy. The misplaced items served as an aesthetic but who cares anyway? No one enters this home but me.
My tired body fell on the couch and it felt lighter as ever. Like I was floating. Like I have no weight and the breeze can just dance me away like a piece of thin paper. It also felt like my soul left my body again especially that my head feels like exploding. There is something aching in my right thigh too but when I looked into it, there was nothing.
I’m catching my breath because suddenly, I found it harder to breathe as if something is blocking my airway.
No.
It wasn’t panic attacks or something. It was just heavy. I did a couple of breathing exercises until it calmed down. I managed to empty my pitcher just to quench my thirst and calm my nerves. I went back to the couch and my guitar caught my sight. I reached into it and my fingers played a random melody.
I just know that there is this phrase I had in mind earlier but I totally forgot about it now. It is at the far ends of my tongue but no matter what I do, I can’t remember the tune that daddies probably humming to their children so they could fall asleep.
Oh well... It was just another tiring day.
My eyelids felt heavy as I stared at the calendar. It feels like I’m waiting for something to happen but the truth, I’m just looking for a reason to wake up everyday.
And maybe, tomorrow, I could find that reason to live.
🎄 20 days before Christmas 🎄
My deep sleep got interrupted by an excruciating pain in my midbody. There is this aching pain at the ends of my rib cage that I can’t help but to think that I’m dying. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead that even the breeze is still chilly, I’m sweating like I’m in a humid desert.
I even placed a towel in between my teeth so there is something to receive the pressure from my gritting teeth when I groan and scream in pain. The aching is too much that it feels like something was taken from me. Like I was being cut without anesthesia.
To my relief, the pain was magically gone in a blink. Like nothing happened. The torture lingered for a complete minute that felt like years then suddenly, it stopped. My palms slid up and down on the affected part to comfort myself and somehow cure the aching that was now only in my head.
When I gained the strength to get up, I removed my white shirt and stood in front of the mirror. There is nothing different on my body. It is my usual body frame and skin. There is no redness or any swollen area. There is no bruise or scratch.
Maybe, it was just a nightmare that disguised as a reality. There was really nothing but since it felt real, I thought that it was real. Of course it felt real.
I just enjoyed my cup of coffee to start the day and noticed the days flied so fast because I couldn’t remember that I already have that much red marks on that calendar. I just read skies because times don’t really exist but for days, I could somehow keep up.
Nothing new today.
Angel was not in the area, by the way. I slowed down my pace when I realized that she was not going to exit the home however, even I waited for more seconds, she did not show up to the usual time she is showing up.
Maybe I miscalculated. Or today is her rest day if ever she is coming to work. Or she didn’t go home last night. Or she slept late so she is still in bed.
But then again, not my business. She is my random happy pill to light up my day but I didn’t mean to intrude privacy or be disrespectful. If ever I’m crossing the line, my apologies. I didn’t mean to.
I have a different set of toys for today. I have puzzles, board games, dolls, superheroes, and things that I don’t know what to call anymore. Green and silver wrappers gave me joy as I watched when the new boxes of toys arrived in the warehouse.
Wrapping gifts, I can’t exactly pinpoint to how I learned this stuff but I’m sure I’m a fast-learner and my experience in this job gained me the skill to do it fast and efficient.
And somehow, I never have the feeling that I don’t wanna do this thing anymore. To how I end up in this line of work? I have no freaking idea. All I know is I wake up in the morning, go to work, go home, and sleep. I will repeat this cycle over and over again until I can’t walk anymore.
It was way beyond work hours but I stayed in the warehouse for unknown reason. Sometimes, I’m wrapping extra number of gifts and sometimes, I’m just sitting in front of my locker while staring into nothing.
The dark sky is already saying hello but as usual, there is no reason to go on. I feel nothing. I feel empty. I ate chicken sandwich earlier, by the way. If that’s an achievement I made today...
I was gonna leave but I heard a noise in the work stations. It was dark. Not totally though. There is enough light to see something but when I peeked inside, I saw nothing. My guts told me that there is something wrong so as a I curious man that I am, I walked inside and roamed my eyes around.
There is no unnecessary noise anymore but there is a cell in me telling me that there is a person in this spacious hall.
“Hello?” I called but my voice just echoed.
In this situation where the workspace is not being brightened by the morning sun and random lights, it is giving a vibe of being in a horror movie. Those big shelves which are decorated with different kinds of toys felt like that a dark one is hiding within those aisles. And those dolls? My eyes are playing with me and instead of those cute smiles that we should appreciate in a pretty doll, it looked... creepy.
I stumbled into a piece of metal rod so I picked it up and swayed it in the air. It was just a glimpse if ever I will need to use this thing. I heard another sound but just a minimal one. Like a whisper. But all I see are toys. Bunch of toys.
My eyes darted towards the messy table near the shelves where those boxes filled with tapes and ribbons are residing. There are empty brown boxes on the table and on the floor surrounding it. I gripped tightly on the rod as I approached the spot where I think, someone or something, is hiding.
“Who are—”
“Please! No.”
A pair of frightened eyes greeted me when I swiped all the boxes and attempted to use the metal rod but instead of swaying it like a bat, it got suspended in the air.
“Please...”
The woman’s eyes are glassy that any second from now, a tear will spill. Her dark brown hair is in a medium high ponytail fixed by a black scrunchie. She has a black hoodie on to, maybe, help her hide her identity. Her black cap was on the ground and that’s just when I noticed that she has a black bag where she is putting all the toys she can get.
“Who are you?” I asked, keeping my tone intimidating and firm. I’m still gripping on the rod because I refuse to let my guards down. “Who are you?”
“Holly.” She answered but it was almost inaudible. Her hands are raised too. A gesture telling me that she will not gonna fight or, she is just in position to protect herself if I’m going to choose violence. “My name is Holly.” Her voice cracked. “Please... Don’t hurt me.”
I stepped back and lowered the rod while nodding my head. She looks harmless but still, I shouldn’t be fooled by such presence.
“What are those?” I nodded towards the bagpack.
“Just toys...” She whispered and kicked it gently closer to me.
I opened the bag and there, I saw, toys. Just like what she stated, toys.
“You’re stealing?”
She didn’t answer and she just watched me from examining the contents of her bag. She took the small ones instead of the big gifts. A set of mini car collection, mini dolls, puzzles, board games, brain games. She even has those shape blocks for toddlers.
“I just need to steal some... Just some.” She explained herself.
Holly, if ever that’s her real name, loosened up a little but I can still hear her nervousness in her tone and see the fear in her eyes.
I abandoned the bag and stood properly as I’m giving her the stare. I don’t know what to do with her in all honesty. Somehow, I can feel sympathy even I don’t know the whole story.
But, to whatever reason, her black eyes changed into something... determined.
“I’m sorry.”
Before I can even react to the real reason to why she apologized, I felt something hit my back and my head.
Then, it was all black.
