Chapter 1
S A D I E
“THE SEX was good.”
It felt odd coming out of her mouth while she sat in a chair, surrounded by several other people who were giving her their full attention.
She hadn’t bothered to look up just yet, unsure of what she would find in each of their gazes.
Pity?
Disgust?
Intrigue?
Or curiosity, wondering how she could even confess the lust shared between her and a monster.
She picked at her fingernail beds as she stared down at her furry boots, thinking over what more she wanted to let free.
“Take your time,” her gaze slowly trailed up and met familiar brown ones, a kind smile greeting her, “we can move on to the next person. You don’t have to push yourself to share everything today.”
She gave her a small smile, more like a grimace, to reassure her that she was fine, even though inside of her was a dark turmoil that kept reliving everything she was conjuring up from her memories into words of confession.
“That’s all our relationship was based around... sex,” she picked at a loose thread on her sleeve next, anything to occupy herself to not make eye contact with any of the members around her, “it was like... his way of apologizing when things got bad between us. There was never an ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘let’s talk about it’... it was always me forgiving him by letting him back into our bed.”
“I never questioned it... I never wanted to, too afraid that things would get worse... that he’d actually mean it this time, that he’d walk out and he wouldn’t come back. I was afraid that he’d pack up and disappear from my life... that I’d be alone.”
Her mind lingered on the last few words she spoke, that familiar sting collecting behind her eyes as she felt that dark pit aching in her stomach.
Loneliness.
It hurt to admit that she settled for the abuse just to avoid the state of being alone and having to deal with the emptiness of it.
How had she been so naive to think that the ladder was better?
“How are you dealing with that?” her gaze once again met those kind eyes, “the loneliness that comes with that new found freedom?”
Sadie felt the nausea hit her at that very question, knowing exactly how she felt but wishing things were different. Wishing that she were different.
“I’m not...” she hesitated to continue, unsure of the confession she was letting slip from her lips, “I wish I could say that I’ve... I’ve felt anything near freedom, but there’s something in me that somehow feels guilty for wanting it, for wanting to be free. That somehow I’m the cruel one, I’m the one causing the harm. That somehow... its my fault.”
The older woman’s eyes showed a deep warmth as she gave her a small smile, trying to catch. the younger girls expression but failing too as she still kept her gaze on her fumbling fingers.
“Let me ask you this, Sadie,” she asked gently, leaning forward a bit, “do you honestly think its your fault or did he say it was?”
Those words made her head snap up suddenly, an uncomfortable shock rolling throughout her body at the question as she met the older woman’s gaze. She knew the real, honest, raw answer, she knew what she needed to say and what was the honest truth, but something in her, something dark kept nagging at her, a voice, a familiar voice kept telling her something different.
The voice sickened her as she sat there, frozen, chills rolling up her arms as she blinked and looked away, suddenly feeling nauseating once again.
Maybe to the people around her it didnt seem that bad, maybe to the people around her it wasn’t the worst thing that could happen but there was more to it than that, more to it all than what simple words could be said.
“Please, it wasn’t my fault!”
“Sadie?”
“Come here.”
“Sadie?” Danielle called out once more, drawing her from her thoughts and pulling her gaze back to her, catching the surprisingly worried eyes of the people around her, “Are you alright, dear?”
She licked her lips, her mouth suddenly dry, wanting nothing more than to sink down into the ground and never come back up.
“Can we take a break?” Sadie asked, voice raspy and weak as she began stand despite not getting an answer yet.
Danielle gave her a nod of understanding, not pushing her any further as she turned in her wheelchair, looking at each of the other women around, “Of course, honey,” she replied softly, “Lets all take a break, recuperate and once we come back, maybe we could hear from someone else.”
Despite being the first one up and the one to ask for the break, she was the last one in the room, staring after everyone, her once dry eyes dampening as she patted down the onslaught of memories that she’d been trying to bury for months now.
It seemed that no amount of days could lessen the pain. She felt as if it would never go away.
She feared that if it didnt, what that would mean for her.
What she would do to find that freedom.
What she would do to herself to find that freedom.
