You & I

We met when I was naive. You were my brother’s best friend, and soon I fell head over heels for you. Your smile, your sense of humor, your eyes. You held me when I was sad, made me feel loved, and put up with me. Things went well for a while. But that’s all it was. You put up with me. I annoyed you. You never admitted it, but I could tell. Otherwise, why would you cheat? You said you loved me, as another girl was saying the same to you.

I knew. I knew even though you tried to hide it. I knew, but I did nothing. I let you believe my heart wasn’t breaking every time you smiled at your phone. I wondered how many ’I love you’s had been for her. Time went on, and you knew. You apologized, swore her out of your life forever. But it didn’t last. And I let it happen all over again, because I was scared of losing you.

I wish I’d known then what I know now: You were never mine to lose.

Months passed. People say it can only get better. They’re liars. It got worse. You used me. I was a toy to you. Some dumb little girl you brought into your life, and when I didn’t give you what you wanted, you threw me away. But not before you threw me on a bed. It wasn’t rape, no, you just pinned me down and scared me. I bruised your shoulder to get you off. You apologized, and I forgave you. You only scarred me forever. It’s okay. I’m okay.

But that wasn’t the first time I hurt you. I had a temper, and knew no way to control it. You hurt me, so I hurt you. Self-defense for my emotions. I scarred your arm once. To this day, I regret it. Nobody should live with scars from someone they loved, though, I guess in your case it was someone who loved you.

It was my fault we broke up. Short temper on a bad night. An empty threat on New Year’s Eve to find someone else to kiss. I was sorry then, and I still am now. I tried to make it work afterwards. We tried to stay friends. We cut contact a few times - you called me a temptation, I ignored you, but we always ended up talking again.

I put up with a lot, but one time it became too much. That day I knew. That day you broke me. That day, you told me to have sex with you or go away forever. I don’t normally cry, but that night I did. I called my brother. He lost his best friend, and yelled at you the next day.

To this day, I’m scared of you. When you walk by, my heart stops and all I want to do is curl into a ball. I’m scared of someone whose forgotten I exist. How sad is that?

I have friends who sound like you, act like you. I have issues being around them. You’re everywhere I go, when all I want to do is avoid you. In class, on the bus, down the street. Each day I see you, it kills me a little more.

People say face your fears, but this is one fear I can’t bring myself to face.