Lifted

A while ago I became like every other teenager, I wanted love and affection. Through a course of events that dream was tarnished. Zac did this to me; he made me an emotionless being that only cares for her, though I’m bad at that too now.

I look in my mirror, standing emotionless, waiting for something to happen. When did my life turn out to be so morbid? I wonder. My brush pushes through my long chestnut brown hair in an attempt to keep it straight. I know in the morning it’ll be wavy any way, but I don’t think I want natural waves tomorrow. Big hair only ever brought attention to me, and attention is a bad thing I have learnt.

It seems that I have been living in this world for so long that things people wouldn’t think of doing, has become my normal life. It bothers me more than anything and I regret it every day of my life.

There are some people who crave attention in order to feel loved, but I’m okay being the same old Tess Marcel. I don’t need another person to call me beautiful; I don’t need hugs and kisses to be a part of something. I just need to keep this mask up on my face so everyone thinks me invisible and going on with my life. Truly though, it’s the exact opposite.

I may not want to feel things but that doesn’t mean I can’t help but slip out a few. I feel like a coward for abandoning emotions but in the end, hearts can’t be broken like this. Today is the day I begin my journey back to myself, bury old feuds, and reconnect with those of my past. That is my mission for the next two Years, to find myself again. I was once a very happy girl, I was too cheery but I was also very much wanting attention. This isn’t me now; I want to discover where I went wrong and find myself to bring that version of me back to the future for all to see. I want to see the smiling little girl that picked yellow weeds with my mother again. Because then I would be able to remember all the little things that my mother did for me, and be grateful.

I do like the notion of not seeking love however so I believe I was always meant to be this way, a mutual party in this grand scheme called love. I don’t look for it anymore; I haven’t for a while, all because of this one person that I will be seeing again today. After almost a full Year ago he said he didn’t want to see me anymore and that he hated me, it broke my heart.

Zac Walker, the boy everybody wanted, and yet I had him but really he never gave himself to anyone and I envy that now. This brown haired, brown eyed boy brought adventure to my world. And now I believe in some ways he ruined it, but in others I believe he gave me the opportunity to be something that little girl could never have been. So for a while now I’ve contemplated meeting him, and what I would do once I met him. I’ve come to a decision that I wouldn’t slap him, but I wouldn’t run into his arms expecting old feelings to come back either. I’ll be just neutral, that’s what I’m good at now. Pretending what I feel.

Over the Years people have become quite ashamed of me, though they haven’t said it, it’s quite obvious how they feel. I want people to be proud of me again, starting with my mother. Just the mention of her name can send me into tears, and I despise tears because they show weakness. I never want to be weak again.

I walk over to my small white desk and grab the keys to my car, off to meet the person who can be the key to this whole idea.