Chapter 1
Army base on the West Coast
“Sergeant Major Murphy you have hereby officially been relieved of all duties within the Army, you are a free man…” says the Commander, those words was the best I have ever heard anyone say to me apart from, the war is over. These 7 years have taught me to be tough, it made me respect life in general and not to take things for granted. I have had to miss the most important event in my life, my father’s funeral I could not share my last respects with him. I don’t even know where to start, but today I vow to make things right and try to gather what I have left of my current life and make the best of it. As we leave the army base, my platoon sends me off with a guard of honour and I salute them farewell. Cadet Smith, take me to the nearest airport, my future awaits me…
In a town called Bedford
Today I feel like tackling the attic we have been living in this house for as long as I can remember but no one dares to enter there, I’m not sure if it’s just the tedious effort or if they are afraid to admit that they scare of the bogey man. I’m not even sure why I’m doing this, “Stasharna” mother calls from the kitchen she obviously wants me to do the dishes as usual. Why do they all have this bad habit of eating and leaving the dishes for me to do, I guess being the middle child is a curse and I don’t even think my entire neighbourhood has seen the amount of dishes in their lifetime as we would in one day. To my surprise there is none instead mom says that she thought she would help me this morning since I have willing offered to unburden everyone from the attic. I silently smile at mom as she goes about her chores I think back of the time when dad was with us he would have made a strong cup of tea and they would sit and chat for hours, It is then, in those moments that I have vowed that I would want to get old just like them. Startled to hear me still behind her, Stasharna you know that sneaking up behind someone is not funny but she smirks reminiscing of my daddy who often did it and snuck a kiss in her neck, even now she gets shy and touches her neck without realising it. Thank you for doing my favourite job with my gag expression, she just smiles, pleased that she could help. Considering our relationship hasn’t always been the best mother-daughter relationship I have always been a daddy’s girl, he showered me with love and affection sometimes even against his own will. Mom always moaned saying that I would one day bring him pain and disappoint him, his response in return would be if that is not destined to be it won’t and besides that is why I have the title ‘daddy’ while flexing his muscles at her. I don’t know what has gotten into me since spring has sprung I’m missing daddy especially now more than ever before. Wow its 10 am already I haven’t realised what time it is, I still have so much to do, where do I start. So I descend up the stairs and tug on the cord for the ladder that leads to the attic, I am suddenly succumbed in a cloud of dust as the ladder falls from the ceiling trap door what more surprises awaits me. The ladder doesn’t seem safe as well but my options are limited I just realised that it’s probably very dark up there, is there even a light switch only one way to find out. I can’t see anything in front of me, it is pitch black, and anxiety creeps in as I have to catch my breath. Hey what up with me I have never had the need to feel anxious before, why now. I have to take slow steps as I feel for a switch the walls are damp and clammy, eww, this house is so old it smells mouldy however we haven’t had mould appear in the house. The floor boards creak as I take each step I imagine I’m on a treasure hunt in a haunted house, hahaha funny Stasharna it’s time to stop dreaming and get your head out of the clouds you have work to do my conscious whispers in my ear…
This is only the beginning and I have had so many awful experiences to this very second but then again I have had a lot of time to prepare myself well in advance. Oh I finally found something, that feels like a switch I flip it and a shady light flickers on maybe I should try to screw the light bulb maybe it will stop flickering at least I hope. This dusty rag laying on this old chest will just have to do so that I can screw in the light bulb, I can feel the through the flimsy rag that it is hot, I touch it ever so lightly and the flickering stops. Astounded by the scene in front of me I’m wondering if these things are actually ours or do they belong to someone who had once stayed here before us, I have entered a maze of antique home ware goods with crockery, hats, clothes and who knows what else. I would never have thought that the attic would be so big with toss and turns, nooks and crevices, I am lost in this dusty old wonderland. Stasharna regard this as an adventure you never know what you might find it seems daunting and yet exciting at the same time, my conscious encourages me. And if you wondering I have always relied on my conscious for many thing on my journey through life and at most times it has saved me from many troubles and has given the best advice that has never failed me. What was I supposed to do since it was always at hand when needed, especially since daddy is no longer here to give me sound advice? Looking around, a faint light seeps in from the ceiling on the furthest side of the attic and I’m compelled to go and see where it is coming from. Every step I take is slow and uncertain but I almost feel compelled to want to see more of what is hidden here after so many years.
The light from the room does not reach this far so I have to feel my way through this confusion, ”Ouch” what was that? I bumped my toe against, something cold but hard as hell, what if my toe is dislocated? this pain is unbearable, wait just a minute Stasharna, you’re a big girl stop mumbling like that and carry on or else this might take another few minutes before I know it, the day has passed. Just a few steps more and I’ll be able to reach the seeping light, what is behind this thing, I have to move it to see. Pulling at this thing it’s heavy but, I seem to have gained some strength as there is a tingle in my fingers as I tug on this thing. Pulling with all the strength I have, it budges ever so slightly, it is start. I will have to pull a bit more, and with one hard pull it shifts to the side and reveals it, this is beyond what I had expected to see, I push some more and I am amazed at what stares back at me, a secret room.
What is this place, why is it here, it is surrounded with mirrors like you find at a fair or something but there is something eerie about this place as much as I’m intrigued at what I see, I feel kind of strange as though something is staring back at me, could it be? No… I’m imagining myself again. I’m shaking my feet can barely move as I take my first step into the unknown. It is very bright in this room and the reflection I see from the mirror of myself leaves me utterly guttered. That can’t be me, I’m old yet graceful and yet this image smiles back at me, even after shaking my head I still see this elderly lady sitting on a chair and staring at me lovingly as if we have known each other for many years, what happens next had me fall over my feet in shock. The old lady stands and offers support as if she can reach out and grab my hand, I should never have offered to do the attic I curse myself, now I know for sure it was a bad idea. She introduces herself as Pandora, she is a reflection of old times. So tell me what you are doing in the mirror, I asked, she smiled broadly and tells me that she was stuck in there until her fate has been fulfilled as it was destined for be. What could she mean by all this? I am suddenly brought back from my out of body experience when I hear mom calling me, “What do you want, I’ll be there soon “, within in seconds I’m out of there as I come stumbling down the staircase, mom looks disturbed, does she know what happened to me upstairs a few minutes ago or is it just me overthinking things again. “Yes, I was in the middle of something”, “Oh I called you because you have a visitor upstairs”, who would visit me on a Saturday afternoon usually its always the boys having visitors over, and beside I have never been the most popular girl at school, in fact I don’t have friends and the only one I ever allowed to get close has moved 5 years because his father had relocated for work purposes. I really don’t think that I can deal with much surprises anymore for one day. So I descend to my room still wondering who it could be, Mom shouts out from behind me that she will send some snacks and drinks to the room shortly. I enter the room and there is a silhouette stand at the window all decked up in an army uniform, still uncertain about who is this person standing in my room. Without turning around he asks me if I have missed him, it has been awhile I can’t help but think that there something vaguely familiar about this person standing in my private space. ”Who are you”, he turns around and I’m caught up in this deep set hazel eyes staring back at me. “Connor Murphy” this can’t be what are you doing here, he leaps at me and hugs me tightly and we stay that way for a few seconds but it feels like I have been swallowed up by these strong biceps and his hard chest pushes up so closely that I feel faint in with lack of oxygen but I can’t help but just be swoon by his deodorant it has me weak in my knees. I think he must have felt me becoming meek in his arms that he picked me up and laid me down on my bed like a real gentleman. “C-C-Conner” tell me what are you doing here please tell me, he responds “I thought you would be glad to see me”, “I am, just you haven’t informed me of your coming” I stammer. “If I had alert you would you have given me the reaction you just did”, that leaves me speechless and why is Connor speaking to me as if we an item or something. I am reminded of that day when Connor was waiting for me after night school classes in the parking area, he was sitting on the bonnet casually and staring at the stars waiting for me to emerge. Back then he was a nerd, and no way would I have looked his way, if it wasn’t for him I don’t think that I would have gotten through my limited high school days. Growing up in a bullying generation the best thing anyone can do is to find a friend like Connor to help you get through all the taunts, mockery and banter. But seeing him like this now, I don’t know what to be feeling towards him, he has seen me in my most vulnerable state at times and I could feel free to tell him anything. He has grown up to be mature, freaking handsome, has the character of every girls dream guy and he is sitting next to me on my bed dressed in his uniform, I’m feeling flustered my heart suddenly starts beating faster as I realise how close he really is. “I guess I have to start somewhere right” for the first time I clearly hear his voice properly, it is firm, kind of domineering yet husky and sexy at the same time. All of a sudden my hormones are throne in the deep and I have to decide to sink into the moment there and then or learn to swim and sit up straight don’t allow yourself to become week now the voice in my head warns, the reflection of the old lady in our attic appears before me. Conner asks if I’m okay by the apparent jolt I took across the room. I’m on a vacation for 6 months before I am deployed again and since I don’t have any family left I thought I would come visit the one person closest to me, you. “Waaait a minute what do mean no family”, “I will tell you all about it in due time your mom was so kind to allow me to stay here while I’m in town”, and as she was God sent mom appears at the door with a tray in hand. “Oh yes Aunty Michelle I was just telling Stasharna why I have come and also that you were so kind to offer me accommodation”. “Yes, you are correct, how could I not, you are like a son to me”, “and I fully understand after your dads heart attack and passing that It must be very difficult for you to return home especially since you couldn’t make it to his funeral”, mom sympathises with Connor. She is showing such emotions towards him I’m guessing it stirs up some hidden wound that haven’t healed even after 8 years, even I feel like daddy’s passing was only yesterday though he had suffered for nearly a year prior with cancer his body could not cope with the constant Chemotherapy that was the worst part of my childhood, seeing your dad suffer, this man in all his grandeur as weak as anything and as prepared as you think you are, when the Dr officially declares someone dead especially someone close to you it is an unexplainable feeling as if your gut has been ripped from your stomach and the more you tried to forget people would sympathised with the family and it would just rip off any possible scab that might have formed. I will say the only thing that kept me sane was listening to the soulful tune by Sgt Major I give it all to you, and also Connor was my shoulder to cry on. And look who has decided to grace me with his presence, I actually feel bad that I didn’t know what he was going through and that I couldn’t return the favour after all he didn’t deserve not being able to attend.
There I go again my mind starts on a roller coaster with no destination on course, after mom has left there is a unique silence like I can feel his pain and relate to it without us uttering a word. “Connor if you want you are welcome to freshen up since it seems like you came here directly from where ever”, he looks down at his attire as if he had just woken up from a day dream or something”, Oh yes that is right I had forgotten that I am standing here give me a minute and I will change into something more comfortable before the tea considers getting cold, I will be back”. I direct him to the guest room as it has an en-suite for his convenience. I had probably blinked thrice and before I knew it he was standing in my doorway. He had changed into a sweatpants, white vest and sneakers and that so quickly as well. He looks like someone who works out hard by the outline of his six pack that looks like the vest can barely contain it. “You wondering by now how I got done so fast, military training, in the force there is no time to think about anything especially when your life is on the line” he has always had a nick for reading me so well.
“What have you been doing with yourself for so long”, I ask trying to catch up with my reformed nerd friend. And he starts off with a sigh, clearly he is weighed with information from the past years and no one to share it with. He goes on to tell me the story of when they left our small town of Bedford to pursue a career and better prospects due to the impending drama at his dads workplace they had no other choice but to leave. I attentively sat their holding on to his every word as he spoke about his enlistment in the army because the cost of living in the big city was far about their day to day budget and returning was never an option. He told me about his intensive cadet training he had to undergo and when it came to trails how he was nervous to know the outcome if he had made it or not. I can imagine the anguish and anticipation of waiting for the outcome of something that could make or break you, mom appeared in the door way with supper I didn’t even realise that it had become so late already. As mom was gathering the crockery from earlier, Connor offers to help her with the dishes, she refused encouraging him to continue with his catch up. He looked a bit disappointed but I chimed in telling him he doesn’t have to worry that will be our duty for the next 6 months. Mom leaves and he turns to look at me again he still seems as though he has a lot to offload before he finds peace of mind. He mentions the war he fought in and how for days he couldn’t close his eyes without seeing dead bodies in front of him some so decapitated you can’t even make out the top from the bottom, the front from the back let alone the stench that it left behind. Eating wasn’t an option he explained that he didn’t know when last he had a decent meal pointing at the pasta dishes mom has brought up, not because there was no food to eat, the force would always provide the troops with the basic necessities to get by, but thinking of those innocent people that had to die at the mercy of our troops and likewise our fellow platoon that lost their lives to serve their country with hon… and he stops midway giving me reason to stop staring at his lips as I shake the wild thoughts going through my mind, not that I feel for him and his experience I completely understand what his going through but my mind is dwelling to forbidden pastures just sitting in his presence, he concludes “ I don’t think I want to go back”, “maybe I should get a 9 to 5 job like any usual husband and settle down”. Husband, settle down my Heart starts racing, does he have someone in his life, and I didn’t even get that far to ask him. My hands feel clammy, my throat dry who could it be? I slowly move towards the window to get some fresh air while I gather my thoughts.
I almost forgot my discovery this morning what if Connors sudden appearance is linked to it in some way, no and why would it, should I even inform Connor about it, since he has been so sincere till now, I should be honest with him as well, right? “Connor I have to tell you something, we have been chatting whole afternoon and it completely slipped my mind” I turn to him and he has fallen sleep his back resting upright against my headboard he seems so peaceful considering he said he hadn’t slept well for such a long time. I can’t help but stare at this specimen for a few minutes longer, “I wish I can make your pain go away, you deserve so much more”. Without disturbing him I decide to make myself some coffee, usually when the boys are home the lounge would be filled with pizza boxes energy drink cans and the room would need to be aired because of the male testosterone that hangs in the air, they should be returns soon after the mid exams with Mitchell being the eldest was a 3rd year graduate in Business Law, and Marshal 2nd year graduate in Gynaecology, when they home all they do is play games till the sun rises in the morning and sleep during the day. I know Daddy hated that about them he would say they wasted their lives playing those silly games. Daddy had high hopes for me, he would always tell me of his days in the navy and he took great pride of it, as a little girl I could wait for navy day weekend, it was the best thing I ever experienced we would get up at the crack of dawn and pack a picnic basket that could feed the entire navy force, he took care in reminding us of the unknown and that we should always be prepared, plastered with sunscreen and a floppy, sneakers and leggings and a tee I was first set to go, counting down the seconds they would take to get ready. Daddy would be packing the car and he would secretly laugh at me for my impatience, I loved seeing daddy smile it always made me feel fuzzy. Then we would be off, it was always very crowded people came in there number to attend this special festival. From the entrance way the excitement builds, firstly all children would get wristed with an identity bracelet should they get lost in the hustle and bustle of the activities at least the Childs parents would be contacted. You don’t know where to look there is just so many things to see but as protective as daddy was he would let us out of his site for a minute. Mom would complain that he would spend too much on luxuries and stuff my favourite part was the dog show and the fire showcase, daddy would give us a tour of all the ships and museums we would even go on a tug boat ride around the docks mom dreaded that because she would always get sea sick and hold on to the side of the boat as if her life depended on it, the boys made fun of her but I know best not to because if mom was in a foul mood she would suggest that we leave sooner that we would have stayed. So as the years went by the boys matured and agreed to stay with mom on the docks while daddy and I would not let the opportunity slip us by, he loved showing me the submarine that was where he spent most of his time serving in the naval force for 37 years as a warrant officer. He would tell us that it is not an easy walk-in job it take commitment, dedication and discipline to achieve that kind of merit. The kettle whistles and I’m brought back to the present, I start with my coffee and take a seat on the couch I didn’t realise that it's 3am and I haven’t even shut my eyes yet, as I through myself backwards savouring the strong black cup of coffee I have in my hands and just thinking of the day and all its happenings I slip into a deep sleep.
