Dreams

What is your biggest dream? What is your biggest goal in this life? Well, I can tell you right away that mine is to be a bestseller. Yes, my dream is to be a successful author writing in coffee shops and finding my books in everyone’s hands. I’ve always wanted to live that lifestyle, expressing myself through words and inspiring millions. Although I don’t actually like too much attention on myself all of the time, it would be nice to be well known and respected.

Those were the thoughts running through my head as I stared at the blank page on my screen before me. It really was torture to be having so many thoughts circulating through my head, but it was almost impossible to come up with anything.

If it wasn’t for my horrible procrastination and writer’s block, I would be much closer to these dreams of mine. But I’m miles away for now, I need to push myself somehow.

Most of the time when I end up actually writing something, it ends up lost in my drafts or crumbled up into a little ball and thrown in my trash. You see, it’s painful having so many ideas and never being able to say what you really want to say.

So here I was, staring at the blank screen like I was waiting for the words to just appear themselves. I had a steaming cup of hot tea next to me, I would occasionally take a sip from, hoping the hot liquid would somehow give me my ideas.

“Excuse me,” a woman’s voice snapped me out of my trance. I looked up at her, she had these soft wrinkles on her face and her auburn hair done up in a neat bun, with snow on top of her head. I realized my chair was blocking her way to the table next to mine, so I scooted my seat to let her by.

“Thank you miss. What are you working on there?” She asked me.

I looked down at my screen, and back over to the woman who was now sitting at the next table over. “Well, you see, I haven’t actually started writing yet. I’m working on a new story, but I can’t seem to figure out where to begin.”

“Oh, so you’re an author?” She asked me.

“Yes. I like to imagine myself as one. I’m not quite there yet.” I replied and then sipped my tea.

“What does that mean, not quite there yet?” She kept the conversation going. I’m not very familiar with casual conversations with strangers.

“I haven’t submitted or published anything, yet. I’m still working on finding my voice, you know? I came here to clear my head and write something, but I just don’t know where to get my ideas.” I explained to the woman, slightly turning my body to face her.

“Every great artist has those struggles. You’ll figure it out, I promise. You know what I do for when I need ideas or inspiration? I seek them in my dreams.” She told me, moving her hands as she spoke. “I’m a painter. Usually, my ideas come right to me, but when I’m stuck in thought, I get an idea from my sleep.”

“How does that work exactly? How are you able to find inspiration just from sleeping?” I was intrigued now.

“Powerful minds need lots of rest and time to recharge. You need a good night’s sleep, that’s all.” She said, then stood up to go order something.

I don’t usually ever receive advice from strangers, but this woman had a point. I don’t know why I’ve never thought of that before. If she can get ideas for just paintings, I can find some sort of inspiration through a dream.

I closed my laptop and got up. The auburn-haired woman was returning back to her table, a hot coffee in her hand.

“Thank you for your advice ma’am. I’m gonna go. Have a nice day, okay?” I said to the woman.

“Of course. Good luck on your stories miss! I look forward to reading one of them some day.” Her smile was warm. I left the tiny coffee shop, the brisk cold hitting me in the face as I made my way through the heavy snow to my car.

I quickly turned the heat up as I shivered from the crisp, chilling air outside. I set my purse and laptop on the passenger seat beside me. My phone dinged, indicating I received a text from someone.

It was my friend Natalie, the dark-haired rebellious friend of mine who I still question how we ever became friends in the first place, considering how opposite of each other we are. Her message read, “Want to hangout tonight?”

I sighed. From the heavy snow falling, to the exhaustion I’ve been feeling, I was definitely not feeling up to a wild night out with Natalie and her friends, which meant I was going to have to come up with some dumb excuse to stay in tonight.

“Not feeling well. I’m gonna have to pass tonight. Sorry.” I sent the text back and started driving back to my apartment.

Once I got home, I shook the snow off of me and set my laptop and purse down. I switched the TV on, then I turned the faucet on to run a bath as I got another text from Natalie.

“That sucks. Feel better. You need to hangout some time this week, it’s been forever since we last saw you. Miss you.” Natalie replied.

I set my phone down, sighing. I felt bad for blowing off my friends but I was feeling completely drained from social interactions and felt burnt out. I admire my alone time, a lot. I made a promise to myself that I’ll hang out with her soon.

I stepped in the bubble bath and closed my eyes. I could hear the TV from the other room playing some sitcom as I rested in the tub.

After about a half hour of sitting there relaxing, I stepped out and wrapped a robe around my body. I was using another towel for my hair, walking passed the TV until a commercial came on and caught my attention.

“The absolutely thrilling new supplement for amazing, vivid dreaming! The pill for sweet dreams, ‘Lucid’ pills can now be found at your local pharmacy and other vitamin and supplement stores!” The TV ad showed a small emerald-green pill in the palm of someone’s hand. Visuals of happy, well-rested looking people and many other significant facts about the supplement were shown on the screen.

“Side effects may vary. Ask your doctor before taking these supplements.”

The thought lingered in the back of my head. A pill to induce lucid dreaming? I’ve heard very little about “lucid” dreaming. Becoming aware that you are dreaming, having complete control of your dreams as if it was no different than real life. It all sounded so fascinating. I’ve never succeeded in having an actual lucid dream before, though. I started to believe it was fake or impossible.

I remembered what that woman told me in the coffee shop before. Have a good night’s sleep. I took a hot bath and was boiling a pot on the stove for chamomile tea. I even read a few chapters of a book to inspire myself and calm my mind before sleeping.

An hour later, I shut off the lights then lay in bed. I shut my eyes, waiting to drift off into sleep.

Except, I couldn’t fall asleep.

I tossed and turned, adjusted my blanket and pillows many times, and kept shifting myself. But nothing. And it was getting late.

Ugh. Why can’t I fall asleep? I asked myself. I don’t think anything sucked more than being exhausted but unable to fall asleep.

By the time I did start drifting off into sleep, my alarm sounded off and I groaned. Morning already. Shit, it didn’t even seem like I got ten minutes of sleep. I sat there, staring up at the ceiling and debating whether or not I should just call out of work and sleep.

I ended up sucking it up and going on with my day, dragging myself at work, yawning constantly and just wishing I had a better night of sleep. I obviously couldn’t pull out any inspiration from the ten minutes of sleep I had.

As I was leaving work, my phone screen lit up with an incoming call from Natalie. I pressed “accept” and held the phone to my ear.

“You gonna hang out with us tonight? Please don’t give me another excuse to not come chill.” She spoke.

“I don’t know, I’m tired. I barely slept last night.” I said, and I could already sense the disappointment on the other line.

That’s the one thing about being the antisocial friend in a group of social friends who want to hang out every night. It doesn’t add up all the time.

“Come on. You’ll have fun. You never leave the house besides work, stop being so boring.” Natalie said, and I could hear chatter in the background.

“Fine. Okay I’ll come. But only for a little bit. I slept like shit last night.” I finally agreed to come along just to keep her happy.

“Finally! Okay, come by my house in an hour. It’s you, me, Rachel and her boyfriend Todd.” Natalie explained before hanging up.

I only had a little time to myself before going to see Natalie and her friends. I got home, brushed my hair and changed my outfit into something more comfortable. By the time I was just about ready, Natalie was blowing up my phone asking if I was on my way yet.

I got back in my car, shivering. I hated how snowy and icy it was. Things definitely change when you become an adult. When I was a kid, I loved watching the snow fall outside the window, and running around making snowmen and forts. Now I completely dread leaving the house when a single snowflake falls from the sky.

I pulled into Natalie’s driveway next to the other two cars already parked. As I was stepping out, Natalie met me outside with a bright smile and waved at me.

“Hey, how have you been?” I asked, walking up the porch steps to meet her.

“I’ve been great. I’m so happy you actually agreed to come, miss Antisocial.” Natalie smiled.

“You know I’ve been busy.” I replied. We entered her warm house and I let out a sigh of relief.

“Busy with what? Work and sleep?” She put her hand on her hip.

“Whatever.” I replied, too cold to even argue with her. I took my coat off and hung it on the coat rack on her hallway closet.

“Hey Megan.” Todd, Rachel’s boyfriend greeted me with a cup in his hand. I guess they all have been drinking.

“Hi.” I replied shortly. I wasn’t a fan of Todd, especially with how he’s treated Rachel in the past, but I barely know them so I guess it’s none of my business.

“Here you go.” Natalie handed me a glass with red wine in it and I hesitated before grabbing it.

“I’m not drinking too much, I have to drive back home.” I said before taking a seat on one side of the couch.

“Obviously.” Natalie laughed. I already wasn’t enjoying my time. Why did I even agree to come?

“So, have you written anything new, Miss writer?” Rachel walked in with a glass in her hand and took a seat next to Todd on the opposite side of the couch.

“Well, not really. I’m working on it.” I said, taking a small sip from my glass.

“I really liked that one story you wrote about the woman and reptile people. That was quite a trip for me.” Rachel replied.

“Oh yeah, that one was okay,” I said. “I’m not really a fan of some of the books I wrote. I’m trying to come up with something different. You know, find my voice.” I sipped more.

“Having trouble coming up with an idea?” Todd asked. “You should hire me to be your writing assistant. I can throw out a bunch of ideas to get you going.”

“No thanks.” I said abruptly. Not shading against Todd, but he isn’t the brightest with ideas.

“Damn, okay. Whatever,” Todd said, leaning in closer to Rachel.

“This stranger from the coffee shop the other day told me to get my ideas from my dreams. But I don’t know. Whenever I have a dream, I either forget it as soon as I wake up or I dream about shit that doesn’t make sense.” I said, leaning back into the couch. “How am I supposed to get ideas from my dreams?”

“You ever heard of having a lucid dream? That shit is insane.” Todd replied to me.

“Yeah, I’ve heard a little about it. I’ve never had one.”

“I’ve had a few of them before. It just happened. I became aware that I was in a dream, and I started flying, exploring the whole world. I couldn’t believe it.” Rachel chipped in. “I sort of trained myself to have one, I induced it. I realized in my dreams, my car would be parked in the middle of the road. I kept noticing it a lot in my dreams. So I told myself before sleep, if my car is in the middle of the road then that means I’m asleep. Well it happened again and I knew. Everything was strange, I felt like I was in a different reality. You need to try it some time.”

“It takes a lot of practice to have one. Have you heard about that new thing they released? It was on TV. A lucid dreaming pill.” Natalie turned to me. “I didn’t try it yet, but that seems like it would help you to have one tonight. Then you can explore in your dreams and find what you’re searching for.” She explained to me.

“Huh, well, I did see the commercial last night. Maybe I’ll try it. But I don’t know, what if it doesn’t work? And I waste all that money?” I asked.

“The only way you’ll know for sure is if you try it. Try it tonight, and let us know what happens.” Todd said, finishing the rest of his cup.

“I don’t know. Maybe.” I replied.

“Don’t push yourself too much. You’ll find an idea, it’ll come to you. Writing is supposed to be fun and freeing, not stressful, right?” Natalie looked at me.

“Yeah. I guess you’re right. I’ll figure it out.” I sipped my wine.

For the next hour and a half, we were watching some movie and my eyes were starting to close. That was my cue to leave. I turned to see Natalie eating chips, and Rachel and Todd passed out on the other side of the couch.

“I’m gonna leave now. I’m falling asleep.” I slowly stood up, stretching out my legs that had the annoying pins and needles sensation.

“Okay. Thank you for coming and hanging out with us Meg. You need to come out more. Don’t keep locking yourself away.” Natalie stood up and gave me a hug.

“Alright, I will. See you around Natalie.” I grabbed my coat and keys and opened the door, not quite ready to face the painful chilly breeze outside.

I was exhausted, barely keeping my eyes open as I face the road. It was getting late. I didn’t even bother to turn the radio on.

As I approached a red light, my eyes aimlessly wandered to the Quick-Mart on the other side of the street. Then I remembered the “Sweet Dreams” pill that we were all talking about. Before the light turned green, I debated whether or not I should go there and pick it up.

Making up my mind, I pulled into the parking lot of the small pharmacy that was closing in one hour. I walked through the icy parking lot, surprised that I didn’t slip and break both of my legs and entered the building.

I walked passed all the displays and down a few aisles until the supplements were in my sight. I slowly stepped up to the shelf that had big red letters above stating “NEW!” There it was, the tiny black bottle with little crescent moon and star designs all over it, and a tiny picture showing the pill enlarged.

“Sweet Dreams” was the name plastered on the bottle. $29.99 for the small damn bottle. I got over it and grabbed the bottle off the shelf, and quickly walked over to the cashier, placing it on the white counter.

After paying, I stepped outside and the freezing wind whipped me in the face. Shivering, I tried my best to hurry to my car without slipping and sliding all over the parking lot. I shut the door, rubbing my hands together and started heading home.

I was determined to have the best night of sleep. It’s been too many restless nights, too much tossing and turning and most of all, zero ideas. I drew a steaming hot bubble bath with lavender, and lit candles. I slipped into the bath, soaking in the amazing warmth and let out a sigh of relief. I grabbed my book on the tiny counter next to the tub, and was really starting to feel relaxed now that I’m in a calming setting.

After the bath, I tied my robe around my waist and grabbed the small bottle of “Sweet Dreams.” I looked at the instructions on the back. It says to take just one pill right before sleep. One pill should be enough. I skipped passed the warning label about being cautious, not to take before driving and what not. I unscrewed the cap and placed one singular green pill in the palm of my hand.

I took the pill with water, and sat down on the edge of my bed. I was already exhausted from my day, and my little relaxation ritual was really helpful in preparing me for a good night’s sleep.

A few minutes passed, and I was still wide awake, staring at the ceiling. I sighed. I got up to use the bathroom. I came back and looked at the bottle, sighing before deciding to take just one more pill.

It shouldn’t be dangerous. I re-read the back of the bottle before doing so. I placed it back on my nightstand, shut off the light and crawled into bed, nestling under the covers. I was starting to feel an overwhelming amount of fatigue at this point. It’s been only a few minutes since the last pill. I really was ready for sleep now.

The sound of my space heater was slowly started to fade the more tired I became. The sounds were drifting in and out, until I couldn’t hear it anymore. My eyes were peacefully shut, and I was drifting off finally. I never felt more relaxed as I did now.