Numb

My eyes burn, my throat is sore.

The voices in my head won’t stop. I can’t make them stop. They won’t shut up.

“I want to die” I say through my unconsolable sobs burying myself into Austin’s side.

“No you don’t.” He whispers, he rubs my back up and down.

I’m having a total mental breakdown. I can’t take it anymore.

“I-I want out of my head.” I cry harder

“Shhhh” he pulls me tighter into his side

I jolt up. “No, you don’t get it. I can’t do it anymore!” I scream at him.

I get up out of the bed and head towards the bathroom.

“Ana, don’t you dare.” He’s up off of the bed and on my heels. Grabbing me from behind wrapping his arms around my arms and chest as I kick and scream.

“No! No! I want out of my head!” I scream, tears violently running down my cheeks. He holds into me tighter, taking us to the ground, holding me in his lap.

“Breathe Ana. You’re going to hyperventilate if you don’t calm down.”

He rocks me back and forth on the hallway floor.

The lids of my burning eyes grow heavy. It’s hard to keep them open.

“Ana, I can’t do this anymore with you. You need help. You need to see someone who can help you.”

That’s the last thing I heard before my emotional, mental exhausted state took me by sleep.

This isn’t our first go around with this. I’ve put Austin through hell in the last year.

When we first got together, I was happy and carefree. Are relationship was great.

Sure I dealt with depression and cutting through high school. I thought it was just my life then, being a teenager. No one ever knew, I made sure of it. There wasn’t anything about me that would’ve given away my mental struggle then.

Then I was an adult. I firmly believed adults don’t have depression. They aren’t sad. They don’t cut, that would be childish….. Old habits die hard.

I wish I could tell you I’ve been through some awful traumatic experience in my life to make me this fucked up, but I can’t.

I try to validate my feelings, but come up short every time.

A year ago I went through a depressive stage were I didn’t leave my bed, brush my hair, sleep was my favorite thing. Hell, showering was exhausting. I don’t even know what triggered my sudden change of mentality. My mind started telling me I was not good enough in any aspect of my life, no one liked me, yada yada. My smile left and never returned after that.

Austin saw my change in mood, at first he was mad and would say all the wrong things, then he was trying to understand and would say the right things I needed to hear, now I think he’s just given up on me.

My depression developed into severe anxiety. The voices got louder, my chest got tighter. Panic attacks and upset my stomach day and night. I stopped leaving the house, the only place I felt safe. Voices in my head never shut up. They say to just stop thinking about it, it isn’t that easy. You can be solely focused on one thing, while the voices in the back of your head are still talking over your own thinking. The house was no longer safe, the demons lived inside my head.

Austin has cleaned my cuts, caught me staring at a bottle of pills, held me together when I broke down. Austin doesn’t deserve this. I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole to hell, and I’ve taken him with me.