In Earnest Speculation

In the arms of solace, we lie. In the ties of each other we confess. I couldn’t remember where I heard it, but for whatever reason, I always thought of it out here. This time of night was the hardest to be out in. No one could figure out how or why it all started, despite their efforts. A few said it was the end of the world, but it wasn’t widely believed. Even with the woods, it wasn’t hard to see the sky had changed. I hadn’t looked up in three months; a record. I only came here to hike, anyway. It was no use looking up. The stars had started fading, almost eighteen years ago, the month before I was born. There was no shortage of theories, but I didn’t believe any of them. It scared me a little more every night, I looked out the window but maybe it’s just how I was. I was always told I was fearless, but that was hardly the truth. In fact, fear drove my every last action. The only thing you could do with the absence of terror was test its boundaries. To be afraid, well, fear followed a dangerous tale. but it’s risk was absolutely epic. and Every day, that’s what I lived by. I lived like the wind was knocked out of me because in authenticity, there was no other way. If I hadn’t, I would’ve been destroyed by the fading stars out my window. Ever since the beginning of my life, I had searched for love. Love was risk, too, and that was all I ever wanted. These woods always felt alive, in that way, but it made me wonder what would happen if all the stars would go out. If it happened, like science said it would. I wanted to forget about it, looking up that night. I thought, maybe there was something I could do. Maybe love could stop them from going. Somehow. Because even I, at that moment, knew I was meant for something, more than these woods. So, I looked and I loved, and I feared, and I risked, and even then, even after every ounce of light had evaded our grasp, we could see everything. And when it all began, that damp fall had cradled us, cradled us between the shafts of glory, on every starless night, we endured. The dire situations that left us, with eggshells of a fairytale, were resurrected, in the finite light, of ourselves and the infinite burn of the sun. We’d professed, to the world, our yearnings. We spoke, the stitches of silence. We tethered our existence to each other. We sat on the edge of the moon, strewn across the universe, beside the dark clouds shaped like broken-winged birds. And maybe, maybe this story is just a saturated excuse for the stars that had begun to disappear from the universe, or maybe I just couldn’t explain right. After all, I was never the writer. Avery was. Regardless, it would be the most remarkable thing that I could have ever asked for, but then, there, I had no idea. I took a careful step over a log, trying to keep my balance. It was the third time this week, I’d come out here. So far, I’d only encountered a few poisonous snakes and dangerous drop-offs. The slight disappoint of it still lingered, as I preferred a tad more action, but I’d take it. It gave me inspiration at the very least. Having been observant all my life, I thought it was only natural, what I spent my time doing. Imagining conversations between people, playing out storylines, and growing characters, in my head had been normal for me as long as I could remember. Rarely did they involve myself or anyone I knew but once in a while a character’s situation took a jab to my heart. Was it childish? Some people said so. My family said it was just who I was. Blond hair, brown eyed Sophia. Hopelessly romantic, outgoing. I was content with that. But hiking was my thing, too. Or rather, the adrenaline. It gave the stories in my head a little pace quickening. My life however, needed direction. Everyone said it was okay, not to know what to do with your life as a senior. But a month away from eighteen, for some reason I didn’t believe them. I got out of my head momentarily, and took a left turn. I could see my car in the distance, where the woods cleared, and decided it would be best, to go home now. I looked up for the last time before opening the car door and took a breath. It was hard to tell from night to night, even week to week, but between months, another handful would disappear. out here you could barely tell, though. you could tell if you went to a dark sky, though. The satellites could tell too. after all, they’ve had a good amount of years to prove it. The next ones to go were always the dim ones. I’d never seen one go out before my eyes, but those were the hardest to come by. Usually, the ones that were near black, were already too dim to notice. I spent nights wondering how it happened, why, and what it all meant for us, as did the rest of the world. I saw a couple of dim ones but I took my eyes away, as a puncture went through my heart. I slammed the door behind me and kicked the steering wheel. I felt like a fool, for crying, but I couldn’t help it. It was as if I cried their creamy insides, driving away into the empty night. Driving at this hour, made me feel free. I decided it must’ve been the dark. I knew I should’ve feared it but I didn’t. Something about the blackness, mimicked infinity. And who wouldn’t want to be infinte? maybe it was the silence, too. Or the loss of sight and it’s risk. At times like these, I could forget about the stars. but I remembered things too. like when dad handed me the grocery list earlier today. Quickly, I turned right and pulled into the store’s parking lot. Opening the door to the store, words crammed into my head and the storyines started up again. I smiled, slightly, and walked towards the soup section. Quietly, I started talking to myself. “No, no, no. Uhhh..no.” I scanned the wall of cans fruitlessly. “Excuse me. Hi, can you tell me, uh, where the uh, the um,” I looked to my right, watching a guy push his cart towards my side of the aisle, as he spoke. He parked it in front of me, and stood next to it. He leaned his head on his hand, placing his elbow on the cart handle. Crossing his left foot over his right, he looked for the right words to finish his sentence. He wore glasses, like me, but instead of my blue, his were thick and red. His hair was red too and his eyes green. He had the faintest freckles and looked about my age. He wasn’t much taller than me either. 5’9 at tallest. I was slightly disoriented by a pumpkin scent, considering we were in the soup aisle. “Yeah?” I asked, sort of confused. He cleared his throat and glanced side to side like he regretted coming over. The acne on his face was less noticeable than it is on mine, but what did that matter. “Um, yeah, do you have any idea where the produce is?” he finished, nervously laughing. “Yeah, actually, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I..uh...just..I live in Seattle and I have termites in my house right now, so we came here because my mom was already going on a business trip here so my dad and I just decided to go with her, but no, no, I used to live here. I lived actually right around the corner, like until I was seven but just because it was easier, and I’m really sorry. I just-you probably didn’t want to know that. I’m sorry.” he started pushing his cart away when I stopped him. “Hey, no. No, you’re fine. The produce, is at the front of the store. Where you came in.” I smiled, laughing a little. “And I live around the corner too. I can see why you would want to leave. Florida’s really something.” I laughed. “What you mean?” he asked, sound partially curious. “Well, I don’t know. It’s just that the world changes a lot, and before you know it, the places you love, you can’t even begin to recognize. I mean, I don’t know. This, it’s not the best place to live. A lot of bad things happen around here. But I don’t know if I could leave the only place I’ve ever known. I don’t know if I want to.” I laughed trying to brush it off. I paused for a minute. “But you know, I guess that’s life for you.” I paused again, and this time it was him who spoke. ” I know what you mean. Except for me I never wanted to leave. I loved this place. Actually, that’s not true. I was obsessed with those seven years of my life. I spent weeks crying. I still do. It broke my heart to leave. I was at peace here, you know. But you know how it goes. Even peace knows pain.” I stood there for a minute and smiled knowingly at him. “What?” he asked, casually. “No, it’s just....” I tried to refrain from saying it. “Oh, no, I know what you’re going to say. I hear it all the time. It’s okay. I’m a charmer.” he shrugged. “Avery. Thornton.” he added. “In case you were wondering.” he smiled in the way his soul had begged him to. Like it came from somewhere in him I didn’t know of. “Sophia Kendall. Eighteen, by the way. Almost.” I answered. “when’s your birthday?” he asked. “October 13.” “mine’s December 17. I guess you’re only two months older then.” “I guess so.” I whispered. “How long are you staying?” I added. “Probably two weeks. It’s a good thing the hotels around here are pet friendly, huh?” he didn’t seem interested in laughing at his own joke and it crossed my mind that maybe his heart was in another place. Some other space time infinity. And for a moment, I wanted to know what that place where he was, was like. I tried not to stare, but I was told before, I had a bad habit of excessive eye contact. I’d tried to work on it but it never did seem to improve. But right now, he stared too. You would’ve thought, it was a staring contest, and in a way it was. In an unspoken, self-standing way. “When you lived here.’” I cleared my throat and continued. ” have you ever been to the woods?” I asked. “if it’s by the produce, no.” he laughed a deeply shallow laugh, and I chuckled a little too. “Well, wouldn’t you like to? I mean, there’s only so many grocery stores around here. After two weeks, it might get a little dull.” I tilted my head and waited for him to speak. ”I guess you’re right. Maybe you want to show me? Just for something to do? I mean, what else do I have to do? Maybe I’ll convince myself I still live at 311.” he smiled. “311?” I laughed at first, mostly confused. “Deer Park Ave.” he added. “that’s where you lived?” I asked, shocked. “Is that where you live?” he asked, laughing. I nodded. “Wait. Your sister is her name Kelsey? I think my parents know your family.” I asked. “Yeah, Kelsey.” he smiled .”a college junior?” I guessed. “Yeah. I think you have a sibling too, if I’m remembering correctly.” he smiled. and we agreed on a plan to meet up. “Ok, tomorrow. One o clock. We’ll talk to our parents and if everything checks out, I’ll pick you up?” I asked. “that’s the plan.” he smiled. ” now if you excuse me, I’m expected places.” he lifted his chin and walked away, graciously taking the pumpkin scent with him. I tried to tell myself I was only meeting up with him because of the irony of fate but deep down I knew if that were true, I wouldn’t have tried to reassure myself of it as many times as I did. I knew I wouldn’t sleep well that night, after that and as right as I was, I couldn’t stop my mind from racing. I tried to convince myself, I was just overwhelmed in general, and that if it were anything else it wouldn’t make sense but I knew it wasn’t true. Not for me at least. I knew by everything I’ve ever experienced that tomorrow was only an attempt to help someone, get to know the town. Someone my age who just happened, to have lived in my house. it was just coincidence. Besides, I was a hopeless romantic. Of course, this would happen.