confessions of a good girl

I can’t get him out of my mind. Everything about our history is playing on my mind. I was his first kiss and he was mine.

How am I only finding this out now? 20 years after the fact? What else have I missed, misunderstood and prejudged about our relationship? And why did it take us so long to be honest with each other?

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When I was 17 I had my first kiss. Not that anyone hadn’t tried before. It just never felt right. Why it felt right this time, I couldn’t possibly tell you. It’s just that from the moment his lips touched mine I was completely inexplicably hooked. I thought I loved him for the longest time but now I am not so sure.

Love seems too simple to describe it and also it still seems to fall short of my actual idea of what love should be. Could he be my soul mate but not my life mate? Is there a description for the overwhelming need, the absolute selfishness he inspires? It’s nothing and everything at once. And yet of my many mistakes, he has always been my favorite. I repeated it often enough so it must be true. Why can’t I stay mad at him? It is as though he has been on my lips since the first time he touched them.

I remember one day, I think I was 22. We stood against a wall kissing and mumbled into my mouth “what is it about you?”

I sit here and wonder the same thing. Still.