Free Will

Her heart began to beat as she walked towards the steel black door. This feeling of anxiousness was foreign to her and it took her by surprise. She placed her hand on her chest to feel her rapid heartbeat. The feelings that would typically trigger this abnormal heart rhythm; worried, anxious, scared and shocked were emotions that were never felt here. No one ever cried or felt sad. The only emotions ever felt were contentment; you were just at peace. Full range of emotions are implanted back into you at this stage, you are supposed to feel it all regardless of how painful it could be. You go from a euphoric calm to this chaotic energy filled with erratic emotions. To be honest she had never experienced this part. The purgatory, the in between leading up to the final decision. He usually went first. She just had to die and show up. She never experienced this quick launch from euphorically high to drastically low. Although she supposed there wasn’t always a low. It has once time been immediate bliss, often times it was rage, and sometimes they didn’t even have to think about it, they immediately new they wanted to try again. In every instance they evidently decided to try again, regardless of how horribly it ended down there it never ended well. All she could feel was resentment knowing that this time could have been different, this time they had a real chance and he ruined it.

She stood in front of the steel door, her heart pounding overwhelmed by her emotions. She felt every emotion that possibly existed at one time anger, resentment, sadness, and with guilt she felt excitement. She couldn’t deny that she wanted to see him. She wanted to feel his lips on hers, the way his strong arms felt wrapped around her, and she wanted to look into his gray wolf like eyes. She took a long exaggerated breath and raised her hand to the door, but before her hand made it the door swung open.

She wasn’t sure what to expect. This was always different. They are usually transported to a place they both equally enjoyed. Somewhere that meant something to them down there. This place looked familiar. It was a restaurant they went to often. There she looked over at a table full of an assortment of chips and salsas and dips and a pitcher of margaritas. She walked slowly over to table and sat down. Her throat was dry. She reached for the first beverage she saw with her clammy hands and guzzled it. The sweet and sour, not at all refreshing taste took her by surprise. The booze went right to her head causing her to feel lightheaded. She placed her hands on legs. She was wearing straight-legged yoga pants. This was the first time she thought about her appearance. They all wore the same thing here, they didn’t even have mirrors. There was no room for vanity; it was never necessary to care about how you looked or what you were wearing. She was curious about what she looked like right now though. She remembered she walked pass a mirror earlier. She jumped up and ran towards the mirror and was shocked at what she saw. Her dark hair was on top of her head in messy bun and she was wearing a white over the shoulder t-shirt. She didn’t appear to be wearing any make up, but she looked stunning. Her freckles speckled her face and her green eyes popped like almond shaped gems. She was startled by the door on the opposite end of the room swinging open. She jumped and turned in that direction to see him as he stood there looking as handsome as ever. His dark hair was shagged around his face and he had a 5 o’clock shadow. He was wearing ripped jeans, a perfectly fit dingy band t-shirt and slides. The t-shirt was slouchy in the front yet tight around his bulged biceps. He looked as if he was glowing, then she realized he was from the white light that shone behind him. She saw him and every single memory and emotion came rushing back. She was so insanely attracted to him, but felt so much resentment. He came walking towards her and she suddenly felt nauseous. She stuck her hand up to him to stop him from approaching her.

“I have to sit down.”

He moved more quickly than her and block her from the seat. She looked up at him, he down at her and he embraced her wrapping his arms tightly around her. She inhaled him and more memories poured down on her like a ton of bricks. She then pushed him off of her.

“I am fine.” She stated.

“Okay my bad.” He said stepping back and throwing his arms in the air.

He looked her up and down and smirked.

“Don’t look at me like that.” She grimaced.

She turned around and started to walk the opposite direction, but he grabbed her arm and pulled her into him again. She initially resisted, but then buried her head in his chest surrendering herself to him. She felt him sink his head into her hair felt his chest as he inhaled her scent. Their embrace became tighter and before she knew it they were both sobbing. She wasn’t sure for how long, but eventually their grips loosened and they were staring into each other’s eyes. His hand cupped her chin.

“You look absolutely fucking stunning” He said never breaking his soulful gaze into her eyes.

“Why the hell do I look like this? You look like a teen bop model and I look”

He cut her off, “you look like the girl I fell in love with.”

He took her hand and led her over to the table, he pulled out the chair for her and she sat down. He sat across from her.

“I can’t believe it’s been this long.” He stated.

This perplexed her because there was no perception of time here and seeing him not aged didn’t help.

He seemed confused then remembered what happens when you go first.

“It’s been 30 years since we’ve seen each other, but 20 since you’ve been gone.”

She raised her hands to her face in shock as she was flooded by more memories, the break-ups and all the make-ups, the betrayals, and the final fall out, and the memories after him leading up to her death.

“I died so young.” She sadly stated.

He shook his head in agreement.

“You didn’t go to the funeral did you?”

He buried his face in his hands then looked up at her shamefully.

“You know I couldn’t.”

“Because of her.” She angrily exclaimed.

“That’s not fair.” He argued.

“You know what wasn’t fair? Everything you did to me down there. This was our best chance; we met so much younger this time. We knew we were in love with each other the moment we met. We could have been happy together, then maybe I wouldn’t have died.”

“You died of cancer. From what I heard you lived a good life until you got sick, then you went pretty quickly. You can blame me all you want, but you stabbed me in that one life.”

She grimaced at him. “You fucking deserved it, you’ve never been fucking faithful.”

“I was back there though.” He defended.

“You say that every time and then I find out you’re lying. We should start doing these at the Murray show.”

He smirked at that, which infuriated her more, because she wanted to laugh too and she loved his smirk, which showcased his dimple.

“I can’t do this anymore.” She slammed her hands on the table and stood up abruptly.

She knew what she had to do. She couldn’t continue to stay stuck in this toxic cycle anymore. They chased each other from one life to the next and got nothing out of it except for sensational sex. Euphoric really. Every time was like the first time with him. The times they were intimate were the only times their minds were at peace. It wasn’t fair for her future lives to have to face this pain, this clearly wasn’t meant to work out. She deserved the next body to have a soul with a clean slate, broken from karmic bonds. She knew what she had to do. She looked up at the exit sign and began to charge towards it, but before she knew it her arm was yanked and her body spun around and collided into his. She looked up into his smoky wolf like eyes and before she could even grasp the concept of what was happening he grabbed her face and kissed her, his lips and hands then moved down her body and her hands naturally gravitated to his. It felt so euphoric she began to think maybe they could live another life together. Maybe they deserved one more chance. Maybe it was her fault things never worked out. She could have dealt with more, she could have tried a little harder. Then suddenly memory after of memory of when it was bad began to pile on right after another and her feelings drastically changed. She shoved him off of her as hard as she could. Taken off guard he fell back onto the ground.

“What the fuck.” He yelled from the ground.

She stood over him. “ No what the fuck to you. You always fucking do this. Every single time you come here and don’t apologize or do it half ass and then you seduce me, you give me the only one thing you can offer. You aren’t fucking do it this time, you aren’t manipulating me.”

He hurried to his feet.

“But we share a soul, we are twin flames. Why else would be in life after life chasing each other and falling in love over and over.”

“That’s not what this is. We do love like a drug. Love shouldn’t be an addiction. That’s not …”

“Normal” he cut her off.

“No, it’s not healthy. I loved our good times, but they cost me twice the happy times I could of had in my life when they are bad.”

“So what are we going to do here?” He asked her. She looked at the door then back at him and sighed.

“Miss, miss are you okay? Can you hear me?” a female voice said.

She opened her eyes, but they were out of focus. She sat up and rubbed the back of her head. She looked around the room and it came into focus. It was a clinic and a room of people giving blood surrounded her.

“Miss you passed out giving blood. Your husband had finished early and ran just around the corner to the rest room before this happened. He should be back any sec.”

“Husband?” She said confused and looked down at her hand. There was a simple band and a tattoo on her left ring finger. Oh no she thought to herself.

“Babe.” She heard from a distance. She looked up from the ground as a tall, slender, man with a styled blonde hair, and blue eyes, dressed in a business suit with the tie removed and first few buttons undone ran towards her. And suddenly it all came back to her. He rushed over and sat down on the grounded next to her.

“Are you okay?” He asked as he stared deeply into her eyes as if he was talking to her soul.

She leaned in and gave him a long kiss, which caused laughter and commentary from their audience along with a few playful claps.

“Yeah, I finally am.”