Chapter 1 - Lora
Tonight, I dreamed of the house again. While I flew over the treetops it rose out of the mist, covered in its old majestic beauty. It was surrounded by the dark green hills and their snowy mountain peaks in the background. Once more, I heard the frightening lullaby of the woods. Even from high above I could feel Lora’s presence lurking down below near the horse stables.
For a moment I was tempted to pay her a visit. But Joshua dragged me higher into the mountains, somewhere to an unknown cave. Or maybe not that unknown...
When I woke it was with the uncanny feeling I was still there, until the city noise found its way to my bedroom window. Nostalgia got the better of me. A strong longing to return to that haunted place ruined my morning peace. But I knew that was out of the question.
The thought saddened me. As a result, I fled to the kitchen table, making a fruitless attempt to write you. But what kind of relationship can we have unless you know the truth about me, sister? I need to tell you my story first, and a strange story it is indeed.
You have always been the one that saw right through me. That’s what kept me away. I have to admit it has been quite a while since I have been honest, especially with myself. But now I need closure. I need to unburden my heart without restriction, in a desperate attempt to redeem my soul. In other words, I need to confess.
Where to begin? Shall I pick the day you married and left the house? Or the day of Kathy’s wedding, when I first met Lora?
You have no idea how long I dwelled in a desert of loneliness after your departure. Oh dear sister, never did I realize how much I needed you until the day you weren’t there anymore. The truth is I didn’t want to confess to such. That’s why I never wrote.
Instead, I withdrew like a wounded animal in its den, abandoned and suspicious of everything that surrounded me. Maybe the spark of madness was first lit then and there. I don’t know. But no doubt it was this same loneliness that drove me into her arms.
For months I did nothing else but go back and forth from my apartment to my studio. The company of unfinished sculptures that gaze at you from surrounding shadows and whisper in silence, can drive anybody crazy, I think. It’s the aloofness of an imagined world that strips our roots away, makes us weird. It turns us into big eyed listeners when in company, always feeling awkward because we have nothing to communicate that we can express in words. Can you picture me, starting a casual conversation with a bank director or a clerk in an office about my latest sculpture?
’I wanted my Salome to become seductive, but instead she has this expression of maliciousness in her eyes. I don’t know how it sneaked in! I never wanted her to look this way. Do you think the real Salome possesses her somehow? Sometimes when I’m at work, I can feel her creeping presence strolling around the room.’
Or:
’I had the strange feeling yesterday that I somehow knew the figure I was working on. She materialized so fast, I felt completely out of control! My hands were still in the clay deciding on her posture, when I felt her watching over my shoulder. She was correcting me as I was modelling. It makes me wonder who she is and where she comes from.’
In my mind conversations like this can go on for an eternity. But in real life people talk about real things, real people they meet. The problem was I never met anybody. So, I limited myself to listening.
Kathy’s wedding turned out to be a real nightmare. I hardly knew anybody. And Kathy, who in general looks after me when in company, was of course too busy being the center of attention. Thus, I wandered around, wishing to be invisible and conversing silently with all the figures lurking in my head, wanting to be born.
And then I saw her. It was as if a light entered the party. Kathy, who was shining as a lamp in the middle, seemed to be switched off and became a flickering candle. And on came Lora.
Indeed. An appearance she was! As if descending from another world, so unreal, so untouchable! She dominated the entire scene by her mere presence. And yet, if one observed her more closely, she wasn’t a classic beauty.
Yes, tall she was, her head confident and proud on her slender neck. Her red locks, gathered together, accentuated the strong features of her bone structure. The thin, but commanding nose, lips full enough to be both sensual and ironic, and flaming red like her hair. Yet her features were too irregular to be truly beautiful and her dark eyes slightly too close. Even her figure was too slender and muscular to be feminine.
But Lora turned all those defects to her advantage. She was radiant with energy. Energy that enveloped her like a halo, the same way a saint would carry an aureole.
I spent the rest of the evening observing her as she strolled around the room, catching all glances in her wake. My heart filled with envy, wishing I could talk so easily with everyone. Yet she inspired a desire to get to know her, an eagerness to please her. She awoke a thrill in everyone she turned to, grateful for every little spark of attention that this goddess was granting them.
Everybody whispered about her as the undisputed queen of the ball. She turned Kathy, the actual bride, into a mere shadow in the background. A lucky thing that dear Kathy doesn’t mind such trivialities! I know of others who would be outraged by such competition on their wedding day. But she, on the contrary, derives her pleasure from bestowing her attention on others. A real treasure indeed!
Anyway, this was the first time I saw Lora. And I couldn’t help wondering who she might be, and where such an angelic creature could come from.
When marriage snatched you away from my daily life, I was at a loss for a companion for a long time. Knowing it would cause you great discomfort, I avoided writing this to you. Or maybe I’m fooling myself, and I didn’t want to face the fact that my need for you equalled yours for me.
Forgive me for that, sister. Believe me when I say that my truest wish is that you lead a happy and independent life, free from such encumbrances as demanding sisters and rich in affection at home.
But not enjoying that richness myself, I felt quite adrift those first months. So much so that I harboured feelings of anger towards you for having abandoned me.
Slowly this led to an estrangement between us, until I stopped writing altogether. I know you wondered what caused this prolonged silence on my part. But my inner conflict got the better of me. Your strong elder sister was envious, incapable of functioning on her own.
I might as well confess it now, this being a small sin compared to the ones I am about to reveal.
It took a long time before I got accustomed to a deserted house, eating in solitary confinement and spending long evenings without enjoying the company and conversation of someone dear to me. And so it happened after several months of loneliness and a severe talking to by Kathy, who never ceased to worry about me, that I ventured into the outgoing crowd, looking for some distraction and searching for a warm and caring heart that could replace yours.
That’s when I met her again. We literally bumped into each other in one of those overcrowded parties, where everybody seemed to know everyone. I was feeling lonelier than ever. During the collision her glass of wine spilled all over my dress. As a result, my outfit, being a soft white, was completely ruined.
“O dear!”, she exclaimed. “I’m so sorry. I fear I had too much to drink. Don’t hold me accountable for my actions!”
Her voice was deep and melodious, just as I had imagined. Not yet realizing what had happened, I looked into those dark eyes which mirrored an absolute contradiction of her words. They blinked rather amused, and something in their twinkle convinced me she didn’t mean a word she said but was rather sober. Looking up at her made me feel dizzy. I was at a complete loss for words.
I knew I looked ridiculous, standing there with my mouth wide open like a five-year-old gazing at Cinderella. It took a while before I realized the extent of the damage that was afflicted. But once I did, I felt terrible. My dress was fairly new and damaged beyond repair. This was an unpleasant reminder of my desperate financial situation next to all my other discomforts. Truth be told, I hardly earned enough to keep myself alive, and this was one of just a few presentable outfits in my possession. All the others had plasters marks, paint stains, fabric ripped apart by nails that stick out of my armours, you name it. You must remember the general condition of my wardrobe…
Noticing the true nature of my consternation, something in her eyes changed. The mockery vanished, and sympathy, almost too intense to bear, came in its place. My first impulse was to run away, but before I could do so she grabbed my arm and took control of the situation.
“You can’t possibly enter in this condition. Come with me, I live close by. You can wear one of my dresses for the time being, and I’ll see to it that this one gets replaced.” Without further comments I found myself coaxed into a cab and driving to Lora’s apartment.
I must confess, sister, that this turned out to be one of the most unsettling situations I had ever dealt with. The delicate fabric of my dressin combination with its light colour, had turned transparent due to the incident. No matter what I did, it kept revealing the shape of my bosom, glued against it like a second skin. As a result, my nipples were provocatively visible.
You can imagine my embarrassment in front of all those people not to mention the woman who, even in normal circumstances, managed to make me feel like a clumsy idiot. The combination of all this provoked a hot flash. Transpiration dripped over my forehead, ruining the frivolous curls I had made. I vaguely remember how Lora coaxed me out of the party like a demented patient. It must seem out of character to you, but the long solitary months had removed most of my usual self-assurance and in that moment, I was completely out of control.
Once in the cab she started to dab my neck and arms with her handkerchief. Uncomfortably, I felt her fingers stroking over my bosom while her red lips curled in a mysterious smile, both ironic and sensual. Turning and tossing I tried to avoid the intimacy, but all my efforts were in vain.
By the time we arrived, I was utterly relieved by the possibility to restore some distance. Fascinated as I was, her presence was far too intimidating for me. Now for the first time since our encounter, I managed to relax a little. Curiously, I looked around.
We entered a spacious apartment on the ground floor in one of the old mansions at the outskirts of the city. Astonishing high ceilings and double doors decorated with stained glass met my eye as they almost popped out of my head. Never before had my feet passed a similar majestic threshold, and I felt as if I was entering another world. A world so much more appealing and fascinating than mine.
She urged me to take a seat in one of the couches and started to mix me a cocktail, meanwhile maintaining casual conversation. It was as if she understood how it calmed me down and would help break the ice between us.
“I was lucky I could lay my hands on this apartment,” she told me. “A friend of mine had it restored, only to discover he had to go abroad after the work was done. Fortunately for me I was the first one he offered it to. The whole bathroom is renovated, and he even placed underfloor heating.” She chuckled briefly. “He was very keen on comfort, but I am the one who enjoys the benefits right now. Do you like it here?”
Her dark eyes blinked naturally into mine, and I heard myself stutter: “It’s lovely! I have never visited one of these mansions before. I had no idea they were so beautiful.”
“O, but they’re not all in such a good state, you know! Most of them have hidden defects, like humidity in winter and spots with mildew on some of the walls. Anything an old building gets with age. It requires a lot of maintenance to keep them in a good condition, and not every owner is up to the sacrifice. I do hope you like vodka? In all my cocktails there’s a dash of it.”
I nodded, mumbling she didn’t have to go through so much trouble. I didn’t want to cause her any inconvenience, I said. But she only laughed wholeheartedly.
“Inconvenience! Oh dear! You have no idea how fed up I get sometimes on those parties. It’s refreshing to watch someone like you. There is something very untouched in your features. Something that sets you apart from the grey crowd. I already noticed as much at Kathy’s wedding.”
I was surprised she remembered me from that particular evening. It was true I had been watching her most of the time, but for as far as I remembered she hadn’t even glanced once in my direction. Her remark made me blush. Smiling she handed me her cocktail, which I accepted a little reluctantly.
Unaware of my discomfort she continued: “I’ll go to prepare the bathtub so you can freshen up before you change. In the meanwhile, I’ll select some clothes that might suit you.”
I protested that this was too much trouble, but unwavering she brushed all my concerns aside. Instead she started to inspect my figure as a true professional, which made me instantly aware of my all too rounded shapes.
In the meanwhile, she mumbled: “The red one should fit you I believe. But I’ll select some others to make sure. This way you can choose yourself.”
Noticing my discomfort, she covered up a mischievous smile. I had the distinct impression she was enjoying this. With mixed feelings I watched her disappear, but once she did I finally began a thorough inspection of my environment.
A fireplace, that considering the warm weather wasn’t burning, dominated the room. Under me my feet sank deep into a thick woollen carpet. On my left was a bar, where she had mixed my drink, while the wall in my back was completely redone as a bookshelf. For a moment my eyes dwelt over the titles. There was a collection of poetry together with some studies of different philosophers. I could also spot a couple of popular best sellers next to the works of the most famous, including Shakespeare and Arthur Conan Doyle. Whoever my hostess was, she seemed to cultivate a taste that mirrored my own.
At my right hand an antique piece of furniture in dark wood contained a sophisticated music set. It was still equipped with an old record player and even a big television screen on top.
The brands were first-hand quality, and I wondered what she was doing to earn a living. It was obvious to me she didn’t need to survive on a standard salary. But there was always the possibility she had some money of her own. Some rich family in the background, I figured.
Against one of the walls I discovered a hanging, which depicted a mythical tale. Some female muse half transformed in a tree, with the wealth of her hair cleverly interwoven in the branches. Before her a young Greek hero looked in horror how the object of his desire vanished between the tree bark. I was still wondering which myth it represented, when she reappeared.
Feeling caught in a display of infamous curiosity, I jumped. But she simply announced: “Your bath is ready.” Garments in soft fabrics with warm deep colours were hanging over her arm.
Reluctantly I followed her to the bathroom where an enormous tub was waiting, filled with steaming hot foam. The sanitary was like everything else in this house, extremely luxurious. Despite my reservations a longing aroused to make good use of this. God knows that rarely such a windfall came my way!
“You can put your dirty clothes in here,” she indicated a basket in the corner. “I will take care that your dress gets restored. Give me your address later, so I can have it delivered.”
And after this last announcement she discreetly disappeared, leaving it up to me to do what was expected. I heard her putting some music on in the other room. The sound of soft jazz filled the air in the background and with a big sigh of relief I undressed and slid into the bathtub.
Once I started to relax, I enjoyed this thoroughly. My own apartment only possessed a small shower which produced not enough hot water to wash my hair in one go. It seemed like it had been ages since I bathed so extensively, and the result was I forgot about the time. But while I dozed off as the water cooled, she re-entered.
Deeply grateful for the foam that covered my body, I jerked. Instinctively I covered my breasts with my hands. Maybe I never felt ashamed being nude in your presence, sister, but this is not the case with others, even if that other is a woman. And Lora’s personality mainly increased my natural prudery.
She on the contrary seemed completely unaware of my discomfort. Displaying the clothes she had selected, she inquired about my preferences. Somehow her lack of shame removed my own, and I replied I didn’t care as long as my hips wouldn’t pop out making me feel like a daily maid.
My comment amused her and laughing wholeheartedly she cried out: “Really girl, a lot of women would change places with you any day! There is no reason to be ashamed of your figure! Most men prefer abundant curves, take it from me. I’m an expert on the matter.”
I had little doubt on her being an expert, but even so I was not convinced. When I looked around, it seemed to me the slimmer you were, the more interesting you became. So due to my lack of enthusiasm she started to inspect the garments herself, wondering which one would flatter me most, holding the fabric next to my hair to find a matching colour and so on.
Her behaviour was so natural and unrestricted, that after a while my resistance gave way. I slipped into a state of mind where I surrendered to the situation, allowing things to evolve, waiting for what was to come next.
She didn’t disappear anymore when I rose from the bathtub. Instead she passed all kinds of items to me: a towel, some body lotion and more of that expensive bath stuff I never use.
Dressing me herself, she rearranged my hair in a fashion I wasn’t used to. When she was finally done, I felt like a spoiled kitten. The garment she had chosen flattered me indeed, revealing a round shoulder while the rest smoothly narrowed towards my ankles. To cut it short, I was transformed into a ‘woman of the world’.
Gazing upon my reflection in the mirror, I suddenly had the strangest experience. It felt like it wasn’t really me out there, but some stranger. One who was as familiar to me as she was alien. A slight unease aroused. For a moment I had the sensation that there were two persons living in my body instead of one. For a long time I remained there, motionless, staring in the looking glass, trying to figure out my other half.
Over my shoulder I unexpectedly met Lora’s eyes, holding my gaze. Finally, a slumbering part of me awoke, climbing out of a shell where it had been hiding for a long time. As we looked at each other she seemed to materialize into one of my sculptures: a creature I knew, someone I had met a long time ago. A stranger, and yet so close, so familiar...
That was the moment the atmosphere between us changed. Suddenly, I felt at home. And everything in her looks and actions indicated she felt the same.
After all the hassle we had gone through, we didn’t hurry to get back to the party. Lora mixed me a second drink, and we installed ourselves comfortably on the couch. She folded her legs under her and fired one question after the other, inquiring about my whereabouts and what I was doing for a living. Before I realized, something in those dark eyes made the words flowing from my lips.
There was no escape. After a little while she knew everything about me there was to know. However, nothing so remarkable, since I lead a rather boring life and never gave in to excessive behaviour.
Nevertheless, she showed genuine interest, especially when I started to narrate stories about our childhood, mentioning my relationship with you and how this developed when we both matured.
Yes, we talked about you, sister. Once I got started there was no problem keeping the conversation going. On the contrary, I found myself confessing to things I hardly wanted to face myself. My feelings of betrayal and abandonment, the awkward presence of my sculptures, my solitude that was driving me crazy, my financial discomfort and so on.
“What about your parents?”, she inquired. The irony in her eyes had disappeared, making place for a graveness that testified her sincere interest.
“They both passed away”, I told her. “My mother died when I was still a little girl, giving birth to my sister to be exact. Father was not a good substitute I’m afraid. He was a man from the old school, annoyed by the fact he had two daughters instead of a son. His disappointment became intolerable over the years, so much so that I couldn’t comprehend why my mother ever married him. She must have been rather cheerful. The first years I fantasized I could talk with her. But when my sister grew up, we filled that empty spot for each other.”
“I suspect you’ve mothered her during all those years”, she remarked.
I laughed. A little embittered I’m afraid.
“Indeed. But she turned out to be much more mature than me, even though I never acknowledged as much. I left home rather early, you see, since I was constantly fighting with father. In the end the situation became unbearable, so I escaped.”
“How so?”, she inquired eagerly.
I paused a moment. An unexpected feeling of guilt for abandoning you all alone in his brutal care, came over me. But soon I brushed it aside, while I continued defensively: “He presumed that I took care of everything! The entire household, cooking, cleaning, washing, you name it! There was no time left to study, and when I showed up with bad school results, he took it as a welcome opportunity to start nagging upon the stupidity of women in general. It became crucial to me to show that I as well was capable of accomplishing something, and so I left.”
I couldn’t refrain a bitter grin, while Lora listened with unusual graveness. “I proved him wrong indeed, but it didn’t change anything. He refused to see me after that. When he passed away my sister came to live with me in the city. And then we shared some truly happy years together. But last year she got married and now she lives with her husband in his birth town. That’s a considerable distance away, and I don’t have a good relationship with him. I never went to visit them since.”
“So you’re on your own again,” she observed softly.
All of a sudden, her words silenced me. She had expressed a truth I had refused to face myself. Indeed! I was on my own again! All the pain I had denied so far, engulfed me in that very instant. The strength of my emotions came as a total surprise, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. It hadn’t been my intention to get carried away. I have always despised self-pity and didn’t like what was happening to me during that moment.
But somehow Lora’s attention made it easy. She managed to make me feel as a helpless child without arousing feelings of shame and embarrassment. As a result, I gave way to my weakness without fully realizing. She enforced this even more by putting her hand in my neck and drawing my head close to her bosom. The drinks had long started having effect, and so I indulged her behaviour.
“Poor Lena”, she mumbled, while I felt smooth little kisses on my crest. In the meantime, she rocked me softly as a baby that needed comfort.
Now I never considered myself helpless, sister. Clumsy in company, or insecure when it comes to socializing, as a result of my lack of experience. But when I was on my own, I felt strong. Always responsible for myself, you, father, and all the others that surrounded me. But in that moment, I felt like a baby in the soothing arms of its mother.
O dear, how can I depict the mix of emotions this provoked! I had always been the rock for others to lean on, mainly because I faced so much responsibility being far too young. To suddenly be supported by shoulders which were stronger than mine, was an experience that never befell me before. It evoked a warmth, which was filling me from top to toe. I could have rested there forever, in the meantime feeling embarrassed because I was so weak.
No doubt you’ll be surprised when you read all this, because it’s so incompatible with the Lena you know. I’m aware you’ve always considered me the incarnation of the strength you missed yourself. But nonetheless it was me, surrendering to arms stronger than my own and feeling as safe as a baby in the womb.
To conclude my introduction, this was my first real encounter with Lora. We still returned to the party we came from, where she remained at my side during the whole evening. The first evening since your departure that I didn’t feel completely alone.
…
