"They had to stop!"
LOYISO
IT was all becoming too much.The games had to stop.I was exceeding my limits.
Despite knowing this, I could never pull through.Not now, not ever.I had known what I had gotten myself into the moment this miasma commenced.While it was too gloomy to admit, a subconscious part of me
rejoiced, amazed at how brave I was; never unyielding.
rejoiced, amazed at how brave I was; never unyielding.
As had become the trend nowadays, my brain fought a grueling battle with my body.To say that I had become a nervous wreck was an understatement.More like torn and messed up, as Lozi, my twin sister, would most painfully use the bitter words for an upbeat description of myself.Inevitably; and quite unknown to her, I had come to terms with the fact that this was me; a fact that livened subtle shards of hatred between
us.
Needless to say, despite my own dire acceptance of my current situation, nothing made it easier.I struggled with my own demons.Each day had become more painful to carry through than the last; a battle of wills in the long run.I yearned for the fateful day when it would all end; when I
would get a peace of mind and a much-needed break from all this.Was this all I was cut out for in life?
Reminiscing about all these insipid altercations instinctively led to my eyes welling up with dodgy tears.I smiled bitterly.How I wish I could let them runfreely in torrents down my podgy face.Despite all the misery in my life I was at least entitled to cry, wasn’t I?
“Breathe, Loyiso, breathe…you never cry,” my brain kicked in.The most normal of reactions during treacherous periods like this when I doubted the very core of my existence.The mental load was really starting to weigh me down.l looked up at my surroundings and all I could see were
swaying, wavy reflections laughing back at me.When had I allowed myself to get this bad?
The voices churned at me.Like they always did, mercilessly.However this time louder than ever.And the mercurial dark shadows did their part in making me feel worse than ever.
'You’re unstable Loyiso’
‘Coward! You can’t face your problems’
‘Lozi doesn’t love you!’
I racked my brain for a solution, willing my nerves to stay in control.It failed miserably.My attempts proved ultimately futile.I very well knew what was coming next.What lay in store for me…
Almost immediately, my body jerked with spasms; the normal resistance that was always inevitable.I knew then and there that I needed a fix.Sooner rather than later.Needing it so bad, a turn left then a mere
meter, led me to the washroom.I heaved a sigh of relief as the normally over-packed place was empty, every student in class undoubtedly.
meter, led me to the washroom.I heaved a sigh of relief as the normally over-packed place was empty, every student in class undoubtedly.
Hastily, I slipped out of my signature navy blue sweater.My classmates had never really seen me out of it, I very well knew what they would see...
Mustering the courage to finally look at the ominous mirror before me ,my reflection mocked me cruelly.Long gone was the sweet innocent girl with a visage full of life doted with warm welcoming brown eyes, sharp cheekbones and a floral smile that always did seem to be the epitome of her grace and glamour.Life was cruel indeed.Didn’t they always say that?
Looking back was a torn teenager with a signature haggard face punctuated with lifeless eyes both scarred and seasoned with
life.And with oh, so many scars on her lower arms.The very sight of them made me gasp.They scared me witless.
“She was right,” I gasped bewildered.This madness had to stop!It was all getting out of hand albeit me thinking that I could handle it.How could I do this to myself? Didn’t I deserve better than this?
I needed control.I fought for it as swirling thoughts clouded my mind, eating me up from the inside.I felt hollow, despite the nerve-wracking effort I put up.I could feel the little control I had amassed slipping
through my fingers, ebbing away and there was nothing I could do about it.I needed blood and the accompanying sweet release of pain.I had to have it!
Impulsively the scalpel I always carried around was already between my fingers; very eager to do its bit.Looking at my severely scarred arm, I let out a bitter cold laugh.To hell with promising Lozi that I wouldn’t make anymore fresh cuts.The cutting was painfully slow, I needed to savor every ounce of pain.And at last the scarlet liquid oozed out, ever so slowly, my
favorite sight.I moaned at the thrill of pain coursing through my body ,my peace of mind finally achieved.
It was all heavenly till the door flew ajar...
