I don't know what it is about me. I'm not bad but I'm definitely not good either. In my daily life, it's so normal for me to feel just average, I'm not a necessarily pretty person but I'm not ugly either, not smart but not dumb, not interesting but not boring either. Sometimes I feel that if I was on the more extreme end of one of those attributes I just mentioned I would be at least a little different from the rest, maybe I would stand out and maybe someone would see that and think I'm worth something. I can't help but feel like my life is destined for mediocrity, a 9-5 job, being alone, surviving off of processed ramen noodles or something. The stuff I mentioned in the first paragraph makes me feel like maybe I just don't have any value because I'm not even remotely special or different. All my friends have something about them that gives them something special either in school or socially, two of my friends are really good at maths (which most of their chosen subjects rely on), most of my other friends are really good at socialising and being genuinely interesting people whereas I struggle to even remotely survive academically and barely talk to anybody outside of my close friends because I feel that drifting is better than them finding out who I really am and thinking I’m simply not worth their time anymore.
It's normal for me to think that all the problems I experience are of my own creation and I've been trying to work on it but I still feel like i'll never be good or strong enough to be anything worth any time, effort or energy to anything or anyone besides myself and sometimes I even doubt whether or not I’d want to be friends with me if I wasn't me. I don't want to tell anyone about my problems bc I feel I'm bothering them even though they've told me it doesn't bother them I still feel like it does bc I'm just telling them about my problems yet they probably have their own problems and I feel they might leave me bc I have too many problems and I'm so afraid to be alone just thinking about it makes me uneasy so I just stay to the side of everything bc it's easier to just not have a voice and watch everything go by. Sorry I did this here. I felt like getting it off my chest. I just can't stop sleeping. Life keeps happening around me. My family is starting to get angry that I won't talk to them, as if last time I reached out for help for something new the reaction wasn't with shame and threats. They always praised me for my academic performance, but doing work is more difficult than ever before. It's like I'm strapped down to a stretcher, powerless, racing full speed ahead to disappointing everyone who believed in me. And I know that they'll leave me when it happens. I’m just so tired, ya know?
If I disappeared off the edge of the earth, no one would really know because I’m a mundane person. I blend in with the background, never participating in many conversations. I am just somebody else, some stranger, and my whole life was a haunted life.
Walking into the room, no one notices you, anxiety takes hold of your mind which stops all communication and overthinking becomes a top priority. Life is a cage that you are trapped in, trust is hard after being broken by those you cared for the most and thought cared about you. You’re invisible unless you are the one to speak, every single day of your life is lonely, people are around you but you still feel isolated. No one cares, they say that they do but if that is the truth: why do they leave? Why do they leave when you’re at your most vulnerable when you're weak when you're already down and broken on the ground?
Every time you let yourself get out there, become one with the rest, you come back more broken than the last. What’s the point of opening up or expressing oneself if all that’s going to happen is being hurt and humiliated? But this will never change because you’re a ghost who will walk the earth until your day's end, forever unnoticed and broken. This is just the life of a ghost.
