Chapter 1
The most destructive emotion in the world is not hate but love – I should know because it destroyed my life! I have to say that I don’t mean the pink candy floss kind of love, but it’s much more powerful sister - obsessive love! It’s a dangerous kind of love that can lead down all sorts of rocky pathways, but maybe that’s its attraction. I know that was the way it was for me. I gloried in the extremes of utter joy and devastating pain that this kind of love brought me. It was like being on a rollercoaster or a very addictive drug. My addiction began when I was barely sixteen and lasted a lifetime, causing pain and distress to many others along the way; this is my story.
The town I grew up in was the kind of small town where everyone knows everyone, and would be considered conservative even by seventies standards. People went to Mass every Sunday, then bought their newspapers and went home to a dinner of roast lamb and baked potatoes. Drugs were unheard of and the highlight of the week for us teenagers was the Saturday and Sunday night dances in the local halls. I had a pretty sheltered upbringing as the younger of two siblings, John being my older brother by two years. My mother could be very strict which didn’t go down well with me, so I became closer to my father who let me get away with a lot more than she did. I didn’t like school much and neither did my best friend Margie, so we both decided to pack it in at the age of sixteen: needless to say this did not go down well with my mother, who wanted me to stay on and do my Leaving Cert and get a “good steady job.” It was like a battle field in our house for weeks until I appealed to daddy, and whatever he said to her, an uneasy peace ensued after that.
Margie was always interested in hairdressing and soon managed to get a job as an apprentice in a local salon called Cut and Curl which she was delighted about. That left me at a loose end and I was bored. Even though I had never liked school I missed the company of the other girls and since my mother refused to give me money to go out because I had as she put it “disobeyed her” I could not afford to go to the weekend dances. This caused me great grief and I would sulk in my room every weekend envying my friends who I knew were having a great time dancing to the music of Joe Dolan or Dickey Rock in one of our two local halls.
I knew that I would have to do something, and soon, before my life was totally ruined.
Then a new bar opened in our town, it was known as the Grey Dove and it became very popular with the locals as it had music seven nights a week.
“Why don’t you apply for a job there?” Margie suggested.
“Oh what would I know about bar work, I’ve never pulled a pint in my life?” I said, laughing at the idea.
“They take people on to collect bottles and glasses too it can’t hurt to try. What have you got to lose?”
She finally persuaded me, and one day dressed in a white blouse and my newest black mini skirt I walked through the door of the Grey Dove for the first time and although I didn’t know it then walking through that door was to change the course of my life forever – and not for the better!
* * * *
The man who stood behind the counter looked about thirty five. He had dark brown hair with thick sideburns, and soft brown eyes. He was polishing a glass and I noticed that his hands looked soft and that he had well manicured nails, when he smiled I could see that his teeth were white and even.
“Hello, what can I do for you?” he asked in a deep masculine voice.
“I’m looking for work” I managed to stammer, blushing to the roots of my short mousy brown hair. “Are you looking for any staff?”
“Might be” he said, “what’s your name?”
“Annie O’Brien “I said as I felt my cheeks go an even deeper shade of red
“Have you any experience in this type of work?” he asked;
I shook my head.
“Well that should not be a problem; we can always train you in. When can you start?”
“As soon as possible” I stammered.
“Fine, see you tomorrow night then, around eight. By the way, my name is Alan Burke” he said, holding out his hand.
I took it timidly and noticed that the skin was warm and firm. It was then that a strange feeling came over me that I’d never experienced before like an electric shock running up my arm, and I shivered in spite of myself.
I almost danced down the street. It was all so exciting, I‘d actually got my first job. I would be able to go out again and I could buy new clothes and maybe have my hair styled; life felt so wonderful that my heart nearly burst with joy. Margie was as excited as I was when I stopped by the salon to tell her the good news.
“Yippee!” That’s wonderful, welcome to the world of working girls,” she yelled when I told her.
The bar was quiet when I got there the following night, the crowd would not start to arrive for another hour. Two musicians were tuning up their instruments on the small stage and they gave me curious glances as I made my way behind the counter where a tall woman with long blonde hair stood polishing glasses.
“Hello” she said smiling, “you must be Annie O’Brien. Alan told me that you’d be starting tonight. I’m Monica Burke, Alan’s wife. You can go through to the back and get changed first, there’s a uniform there that I think will fit; what are you about a size ten?”
The uniform consisted of a navy pinafore dress and a light blue blouse and it fit perfectly. It didn’t look too bad for a uniform, even thought the dress was a little longer than I’d have liked.
‘What does it matter’ I thought, ’it’s only for work, and I won’t be wearing it when I go dancing.”
“Alan’s away tonight so I will be training you in,” his wife told me. “You can start by clearing glasses from the tables, and make sure to keep the bar counter and the tables clean” she said, handing me a dishcloth. “You can also keep an eye on the ladies toilet and make sure it doesn’t get messy in there” she added.
The night went quickly and I enjoyed the buzz of the crowd and the music of the band that I was told were called Rebellion. They played a mixture of old time ballads and rebel songs which went down well. I knew that I was going to like this job very much. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world as I walked home through the winding streets to the little red brick terraced house where we lived. I was so excited that I didn’t get a wink of sleep that night, and as the pale dawn broke through the flimsy curtains on my bedroom window the thought came to me that I had started a new chapter and that life would never be the same again.
* * * *
It was even better when I got my first pay packet, although it wasn’t that much, but I felt that I was rich.
‘What will I do first?’ I wondered, ‘Get my hair done or buy new clothes?’ As it turned out I did both. I had my hair cut in a shorter more trendy style at Cut and Curl and the hairdresser suggested that I put a few blonde highlights in.
“It will give it more movement” she said, and by the time she had finished I was very pleased with the result.
‘I look so different’ I thought, as I admired my reflection in the salon mirror.
I bought a pair of denim bell bottoms and a gypsy style top in psychedelic colours at Dolly, our town’s trendiest boutique.
“Wow!” was Margie’s reaction when we met up later for a burger and chips at Fry Ups. It was a Saturday and we were looking forward to going to Spinners Ballroom, where Joe Dolan was playing that night.
“Jimmy Foley can’t take his eyes off you” Margie whispered: we were sitting near the wall in Spinner’s and I looked across the hall to where a thin boy with dirty blonde hair and spotty skin was standing. A crystal ball spinning from the high ceiling cast rainbow colours across the almost empty dance floor. The relief band was playing and everyone was waiting for the main act to come on before venturing out.
“He can stare away, you know I can’t stand the sight of him” I retorted.
Margie let out a tinkling laugh, she knew well that Jimmy had a big crush on me and she never tired of teasing me about it, which was really annoying.
“Come on, let’s go and get a coke” I said to change the subject, and we made our way to the soft drinks bar which was situated at the bottom of the hall.
The night was a success and I was on a total high as I danced along to the wonderful music of Joe Dolan. I was never off the floor and the atmosphere was electric. All my friends admired my new outfit and I felt like a princess.
Weeks turned into months and soon it was the end of November and everyone was thinking about Christmas. I was still enjoying my job very much and the money was coming in very handy. I was really looking forward to splashing out on a big spending spree for Christmas and was saving up for that. There was another young man working in the bar with us, his name was Teddy and he was quiet and polite. We all got along very well together.
It was at this time that Monica Burke decided to go to Dublin to do her Christmas shopping. She went away for the weekend which left us short staffed. The Sunday night was very busy and by closing time we were all exhausted. Alan suggested that we stay back for a nightcap but Teddy declined saying that he had a date and that he was already late and she might not wait. That left Alan and me alone together in the empty bar.
“What would you like to drink?” he asked as he poured himself a generous measure of brandy.
I shook my head, “I don’t really drink alcohol.”
He took a bottle of Baby Cham from the shelf and poured the contents into a wide brimmed glass with a dainty stem to which he added a cherry on a stick.
“This is very light” he said, “There’s barely any alcohol in it at all.”
I took a small sip, then the bubbles tickled my nose and I giggled.
“You’ve got a nice laugh” he said smiling. “In fact you’re a very beautiful girl, only for being an old married man I would certainly fancy you.”
My cheeks burned when he said that, and I took another sip from the glass to hide my confusion. Then he moved closer and I could feel my insides contract. I got the distinct smell of his aftershave and it was intoxicating. He took hold of my hand and massaged it gently between his thumb and forefinger and I felt the same jolt of electricity that I had the first time we met. I was lightheaded and couldn’t be sure if it was from the alcohol or the fact that my heart was pounding so hard that I thought it would burst out through my ribs. Alan took my glass from me and placed it on the counter. Then he kissed me gently on the lips, and as his kisses got more passionate and demanding I thought that I would faint from sheer pleasure. If this was a dream I never wanted to wake up.
“Are you a virgin?” he whispered huskily and I nodded. His hands slid under my skirt and as he touched me I felt my body melting with desire.
“I’ll go easy” he whispered before I felt a sharp jolt of pain followed by the most exquisite sensation I had ever felt in my life. It was my first experience of passion and it surpassed all my wildest dreams. I knew that I would want to do this again and again. I felt like a woman at last and it was a wonderful feeling. I was in love, and as I walked home through the quiet streets under the light of a brilliant full moon my heart sang with the joy of it all.
* * * *
I felt a strange mixture of nervousness and excitement going into work the following night. I’d been jittery all day and as we went for our usual afternoon stroll around town Margie noticed.
“What’s the matter with you?” she asked eyeing me suspiciously. “What have you been up to?”
“Nothing” I lied realising that even thought we had shared all our secrets since babies class there was no way I could share this with Margie: it was way too big!
That night I felt strangely shy around Alan although he acted the same as if nothing had ever happened between us. I was unable to meet Monica’s eyes and I noticed her giving me strange looks from time to time. There was an unusually big crowd in for a Monday night and we were busy the whole time. I felt sad because I thought that Alan was ignoring me, but as I got ready to go home after closing time he whispered in my ear “walk down by the river at 2.30 tomorrow” and I knew that everything was going to be fine and as I headed for home my heart was singing again.
The river walk was on the outskirts of town in a very secluded area, backed by a thick pine forest, and as I made my way along the winding path my heart was thumping with excitement. Alan was waiting in his black Mercedes and he smiled at me as I got in.
“You’re more beautiful than ever today” he said softly. “Your hair looks really good, is that a new hairstyle?”
We drove up into the mountains, and this time our lovemaking was even better than the first time. I wished that we could spend the evening together but Alan said that he had to rush back to the bar as it was Teddy’s night off. He dropped me off at the river and as I made my way home I marvelled at how wonderful my life had become. I should have felt guilty for getting involved with a married man but I was so fascinated by him that it didn’t really register. Being with him felt so right that nothing else mattered: I was in love for the first time in my life and it felt marvellous.
After that we met up a couple of times a week and usually drove up into the mountains, but once, Alan brought along a rug and we made passionate love on the floor of the pine forest. I wished that I could spend a whole night with him, and wake up in the morning wrapped in his arms but I knew this was impossible. I began to envy Monica and started to wonder if he still made love to her: the thought of him doing the same with her as he did with me made my heart sore with jealousy. I tortured myself thinking about it, because by now I could think of nothing else but Alan, he was the first person I thought of in the morning and the last person I thought of at night. He was also in my dreams, and I found that my once robust appetite had become so poor that I was beginning to get very thin.
“Are you all right?” Margie asked one day as we were sitting in Fry Ups. She looked concerned as she watched me picking at my burger disinterestedly.
“Of course I am” I said defensively.
“You’ve changed so much lately” she said, “you’ve lost so much weight and you’ve no interest in going out any more. Is it the job? If you don’t like it there you should get something else, I hear they’re hiring at the new factory on the edge of town.”
“My job’s fine” I said cattily, I was sick of her meddling; why couldn’t she just leave me alone?
“Why don’t you come to Spinners with the rest of us on Saturday night?” she asked gently. “It’s going to be great, Red Hurley is playing.”
I just shook my head, dances held no further interest for me. I couldn’t bear to think of some boy fumbling with me on the dance floor, all I wanted now was Alan.
* * *
