Chapter 1
Dear Nathan,
I know you had no clue what was going on when we first met, but I’m glad you still took a chance on me. I remember it as if it was yesterday. Hell, I’m still kind of in shock that you didn’t run away from me. I gave myself three months to fall in love. At least that’s what I told you. In reality, I was just giving myself three months left to live. I can almost see the confusion that’s probably plastered over your face as you read this.
Let me explain.
I felt so alone. I was miserable in my own skin. I had no confidence in ever getting out of this funk. Cutting wasn’t working anymore and I just couldn’t find a single reason to want to keep on living. Then there was you Nathan. You came about at the wrong time. It didn’t matter how much of a kind-hearted and fun-loving person you were; it was simply just the wrong time for us. I don’t mean that how it sounds, but it’s true. In the midst of this all I found myself wanting to be with you forever, but even you couldn’t stop the thoughts late at night.
Even you couldn’t stop the dark from finding me. You were my light in this never ending tunnel of darkness. I owe you so much and you deserve to be in love with someone who will love you with that same force and to the same extent as you give. The truth is eventually the dark would’ve consumed me. This ending was inevitable Nathan. There was no escaping it.
None of this means that I don’t or didn’t love you because I did and I still do. It just wasn’t enough. I was too far gone. Everything was becoming dark. I was poison and I didn’t want to poison you any further than I already had. I’ll miss you and I thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I can’t really explain how much you’ve done for me. I can’t really explain how much you’ve helped me. You allowed me to go in peace with a peaceful heart and mind. Nothing could fill the void I feel, but you managed to get a little bit of yourself in there. You managed to stitch up a bit of my broken heart. Something that I thought was completely impossible.
You got me to feel something besides sadness and despair. You had a magical touch, but it wasn’t enough to heal me. I’ll leave this to you as a good-bye. In hopes that it’ll make you smile. In hopes that you’ll remember the best parts of me. In hopes that you’ll remember me because I’ll definitely remember you. Please Nathan, please just try to remember the best parts of me rather than focusing on how it all ended.
I will never stop loving you Nathan and I hope with all that I have left that you don’t hate me for this. Don’t feel bad for me and don’t be sad because of me. You managed to save me for a little while longer. We’ll see each other again someday when the timing is right. Our love was one of a kind. Something that can’t be destroyed, but it still wasn’t enough. I doubt that anything that you would’ve done would have been enough though. No offense. I was just too empty on the inside and no matter how we felt you couldn’t fill me by yourself. We will meet again. Anyways, always remember that you helped me even if you didn’t believe it or fully understand how. Just know that I’m no longer in any kind of pain. Thank you for showing me that love is possible. I’ll miss you Nathan. I’ll miss your smile. Your laugh and never ending hope. I’ll miss your patience and genuine interest. I don’t know what it was about me that attracted you to me that day, but I’m glad it did. I’m glad you sat next to me on that bench. You managed to help me find something I thought I lost years ago… my smile.
I’ll forever love you and I pray you find someone to give your heart to again. You were enough for me, but I could never be worthy of you. Believe it or not Nathan it’s my time to go. If I was wrong about this you wouldn’t be reading this letter right now. So let’s begin to discuss Nathan.
Let’s discuss us…
I sat the papers down as I picked up my glass and downed another shot, the burn of the vodka was just another sick reminder of how alive I still was. The sting of the liquor made me grunt, but I didn’t care as I downed another. I wanted to forget the emptiness that finding her like that, in that position, left within me. I try to do as she said. I try to remember the best of her, the best of us and not focus on the ending of it all, but I can’t. When I look back at what are supposed to be the good times I start to notice things. When I look back on what we once classified as the happier times, I start to notice what I hadn’t seen from the beginning. Things the untrained eye wouldn’t be able to grasp. I surely didn’t. I began to notice that even though she tried I was the only one that was truly happy. The reality of it is like being crushed by weights. I remember it all like it was just yesterday…
It was a warm late spring day. The air was a bit misty allowing the warm breeze to be cooled slightly. I was in the park playing catch with my golden retriever, Lucky, when I saw her. I only noticed her because of Lucky. She was sitting on a pale blue bench reading a book and rubbing Lucky’s head. That’s what surprised me. Most people ran away from him. Lucky was bigger than the average golden retriever, but there she sat just rubbing Lucky’s head. Like it was nothing. Like nothing else mattered apart from them. It was even more surprising that he sat there and let her. Lucky was a playful, energetic and loving dog, but he never let anyone apart from me rub him. That was reason enough for me. I had to talk to her. She had to be something special if she could calm Lucky down while barely moving. I wanted to meet her, but suddenly I was frozen in place. From where I was standing I could only see her waves of umber locks which she covered with a black beanie with purple hearts. She looked so at peace just sitting there.
Quickly she was becoming my favorite painting. I had to think and I had to think fast. I didn’t want to just go up to her and start talking. I didn’t want to freak her out or have her thinking I was some kind of creep. I couldn’t use Lucky as an excuse. Then I’d become one of those creeps who used his pet dog as a way to meet girls. Either way I was going to come off as a creep. My best bet was to just go and sit on the side of her. Just to sit there and let the conversation come naturally. I was panicking and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why. I was usually confident when it came to approaching girls. I didn’t even know her yet and she already had me wanting to crawl into a corner and cry just from the thought of possible embarrassment.
Sighing I ran my hands through my hair and zipped up my jacket to my neck. I kept my eyes forward as I headed towards the pale blue bench that changed everything. I didn’t plan to say anything. I didn’t even plan to look her way. I was going to let her say something to me. As I sat down I could see her glancing at me out of my peripheral vision. I turned towards her to make a joke and found my tongue stuck in my throat. She was beautiful.
A type of beauty that surpassed descriptions and definition. Her almond shaped orbs the color of milk chocolate and filled with mirth are the first to enchant me. Her blood stained lips the color of a ripe strawberry were plump and sultry as the corners turned up in barely contained amusement. She had an elven nose that fitted her perfectly and blended in with her features rather than standing out. She held gorgeous sun-kissed skin that was almost exotic as her waves of umber locks framed her face creating a perfect masterpiece. A masterpiece that was both too outstanding for words yet still too impossible to look away from. I’ll say it again; she was beautiful. I wanted to talk to her. No, I needed to talk to her. I had to hear her talk. I needed to hear her laugh. I was willing to bet that she had a melodious voice and harmonious laugh that only seemed befitting with her looks. Needless to say, I was diving head first into the deep end of the pool of love and I wasn’t looking for anyone to come and rescue me because I couldn’t swim. I was willing to drown in all that was her.
“Is this your dog?” she asked with a small smile plaguing her features as her voice that sounded like violins floated up to my ears. I was too stunned to speak so I just nodded my head. “What’s his name? I love dogs.”
“It’s Lucky. I guess he loves you too. Rarely ever let anyone else touch him.”
“I guess I’m the lucky one then.” she giggled at her own joke and my heart skipped a few beats. Her laugh was one I wouldn’t mind listening to for the rest of my life.
“I guess so… um? Sorry I don’t know your name.” I smiled awkwardly. I was embarrassed. How could I forget to ask the most basic of questions? I was already striking out.
“It’s Winter. Like the season.” she said and I could feel the confusion settling in. She had an aura of late spring. That perfect weather between hot and cold. Her name didn’t seem befitting at all. “So, what’s your name?” she asked, breaking me out of my thoughts as I realized I’d gotten my second strike.
“I’m Nathan. Nice to meet you.”
“Same.” she smiled.
“So… you seem to be good with dogs. Do you have one? Or have plans to get one?” I asked not really wanting to pry, but needing a basis for some type of conversation.
“No.” she answered without hesitation.
“Why not? You seem to really like animals. Or at least dogs.” I stated completely forgetting she’d already stated that mere moments ago.
“I plan to leave soon. A type of adventure. I wouldn’t want to leave him behind, but I probably wouldn’t be able to take him with me either.” I nodded my head in understanding. I hated having to leave Lucky behind when we traveled long distances. He was my best-friend.
“Well I should be getting home, it’s getting kind of late.” she said once again, snapping me out of my reverie. “It was nice meeting you Nathan. You too Lucky. Farewell.” she gave him one last quick pat on the head before gracefully walking away. It was almost like she was floating. She walked with her head held high without a care in the world as she took in her surroundings. Surroundings that she basically blended into. The sound of Lucky whimpering as she got further away from us solidified and confirmed what I was already thinking about her. Winter was definitely something else. Truly one-of-a-kind. A kind of experience that left you wanting more. For the next week or so I couldn’t get the embodiment of the late spring out of my head. She had definitely left her own kind of special mark on me. She rattled me in ways that left me baffled and a little bit confused, but I knew that if I met her again by any chance, I’d gather up the courage to ask her out. Little did I know she’d become everything to me. Someone I’d do anything for…
I rubbed my hand down my face in frustration as I poured myself another shot. I don’t remember the last time I ate anything and I don’t care. I want to block my brain from everything, but I can’t block out winter no matter how hard I try. Winter definitely had an effect on me like no other. One that no matter how much alcohol you drank, it just wouldn’t go away. Still I was downing shot after shot. I needed the pain to go away, but it just wouldn’t. It was clear that just like when she was alive Winter would always be on my mind. Meaning that my aching heart would never heal. Meeting Winter that day changed everything I thought I knew. So many of my perspectives changed off of a one chance encounter. I was never one to believe in that love at first sight bullshit, but meeting Winter had me head over heels before I had even gathered the courage to approach her. She knew I would come running if she ever needed me, despite whatever I was doing, I’d still drop everything for her. I promised to always be there despite whatever. I was one call away when she decided to leave me. I guess that’s what hurts the most. She never asked for my help nor did she bother to say good-bye. I downed another shot; the burn reminding me just how alive I still am, no matter how much I wish I wasn’t.
