FORGOTTEN

Short story by Asiasi

FORGOTTEN

East Africa Time (UTC+3)

Forgotten

Family, Kin, Clan, Blood, Folks, Ancestor - there are so many ways to describe the word Family. It was such an important word that a single word wasn’t enough. Since the dawn of time, we were all connected. The family was the bond that binds us together. Through the blood that passed from generation to generation, we were linked. Family is important we were all taught since we were young. ‘The love that a mother and father have for their young is unconditional’ they said. We are bonded through this unbreakable bond that made them protect us and love us forever.

But I suspect that this all was a hoax to make little children believe that their love will always be there. It was an imaginary word to protect the innocent mind. Love can’t be forever. Even the people doing the loving can’t live forever, how can their love live? In the end, we are all alone in this world. The people living and loving will be gone, then how the people left behind are supposed to do. How are the living supposed to go on? They should write a book about that.

I will no longer be tricked. I have discovered the truth and I will expose them all for their deception. I may be just a Fifteen-year-old girl but I have a master plan. After they hear my story there will be no doubt they will believe me. Family is important but that doesn’t mean they will always be there for you. There will be a time where you are ignored, felt invisible, and even left behind. I know very well what that feels like. You see I am the middle child in a family of five. I am an expert in that zone.

My name is Saturn Synclair and I am the non-special middle child. Let me clarify, aside from me there is my older brother, Mars Synclair. He is the only boy so he was born special but not only that, he is a genius in everything. School- honors, Sports- captain of the basketball team. He couldn’t be a geek weirdo and leave some to the rest of us but he’s even good with girls. They practically throw themselves at his well-built body with his spikey brown sandy hair add that to his baby blue eyes that seem to turn any girl who looks at him into mush. it’s pathetic really. So he practically lives like a prince in the house. I am over shined by this. So you tell me how am I supposed to stand out? I hate sports because they require a lot of movement and running which I am allergic too plus I have asthma so god practically said I wasn’t made for that. I do well in school but of course, it’s not like my brothers so it doesn’t matter. I still love him but that doesn’t stop me from wishing he falls flat on his face in the middle of the basketball court. Come on, it would be hilarious and it would do his ego some good.

I wasn’t always such a jealous freak. I was special once too. I was the baby of the house. Even better I was the baby girl of the house. I bet that made my brother jealous. I was fussed over and they got me anything I scream I wanted but even that was short-lived. After just 6 years the new baby girl of the house was born, my little sister, Jupiter Synclaire.

I felt betrayed. I felt replaced. I wasn’t special anymore. I understood what my brother felt like when I was born. Maybe that’s why we got along so well after Jupiter was born but he was still special. He is still the only boy but I lost that uniqueness to my little sister. So that’s how we became a family of five. Thank god I finally convinced mom, I didn’t want any more sisters otherwise I would have been forgotten in a pile of children. But even then I didn’t lose my specialness completely. I got the only thing my other siblings didn’t have.

My Mom, Star Synclair. I mean, of course, they had her, she is their mom but when it came to me and mom, we always seem to have that special bond between us. It was so strong that sometimes we could only look at each other and know what we wanted to say before laughing out loud. She was my best friend and I was hers. She would always say to me how she was my Bff, of course after I thought her that Bff meant Best friend forever. We always have this side talks at night when everyone was asleep. We sneak off with buckets of ice-cream, my favorite chocolate chip ice-cream, and hers is a combination of chocolate with strawberry and mint ice-cream. She is always so eccentric like that.

We would sit by the porch out back and talk about everything. Her childhood- she would tell me I used to be like her. Her dreams- she was an astrology fanatic. She loved stars. Ironically she was named after them. In turn, she named us after planets. I asked her one night why she named us like that; she said she wanted to live her dream through us. She wanted to see us grow and evolve as the planets and universe that surrounded us. I still remember that night. It was the coldest night of the month. I thought we were gonna leave out our night talks but she came holding the largest and furriest blankest down the stairs with the biggest smile that we always knew mom seem to have. She refused when I told her it was okay. She made hot cocoa with the biggest mug and we sat there talking about her dream for hours. After hearing her dream I thought we, by being born may have, made her abandon her dream to study astronomy. But when I studied her face and the way she talked, there wasn’t a single sense of regret in how she talked.

She was happy about having a dream of her own. To her, it didn’t feel like she abandoned it. Rather she left it for something better she said to me when I asked her. I was amazed by my mom’s strength. That day I decided two things; Mom is the greatest person I knew. And I wanted to study astronomy. If mom loved it this much since we are the same. I was certain I was gonna love it. The next day I joined the astronomy club in school. When I ran home to tell her, she was so happy. Happiest I have ever seen her; she called the family for a celebration and even baked a cake for me in the form of Saturn planet. It was the happiest day of my life because she was happy. We were a happy family. We had lots of fun together. We also did stupid things, got lectured for it but the day ended always with a smile on everyone’s face. She is the greatest mother a girl could ask for or at least she was the greatest mother. It was that day when everything started to go wrong. She was here one minute and then she was gone forever. She left me special less. She was the only thing that made me feel special but she left me behind taking her love with her. I wasn’t her little girl anymore. She made me ordinary.

It wasn’t only me, it was all of us. It was like she took the light out of our family and left. Everything felt dark. My home didn’t feel like my home without her. We didn’t end the day with smiles anymore. We ended the day with a bang of our respective door. Closed off as we lived ignoring each other. My dad, George Synclair became a shell of a man. He lost the love of his life but it also felt like he was drifting away too. He didn’t look or feel like my dad anymore.

My brother became lost. He didn’t know how to keep this family together and he blamed himself. After what happened to dad, he felt as if responsibility fell on him but when things became worse. It took a toll on him and he took it out on something else. His grade kept slipping and he was easily riled. He kept getting into fights with everyone and being called to the school. The brother I once knew who could brush off anything was easily irate. Worst of all, Jupiter was only a 6 years old toddler. Kept asking where mom was. She didn’t understand what was going on. We couldn’t bear to tell a sweet girl that her mom was gone and she was never going to see her again.

I was no better. I lost all of that and my Best friend. She wasn’t my best friend forever anymore because she is not gonna be here forever. She broke her promise. Us in turn, we were broken apart. I would take back all my needless talk about being special and my jealousy, for her to be alive again. I was okay with being like any ordinary kid or even letting my brother be mom’s favorite, which is a very big decision if you must know. For her to be back in my arms again, for me to feel her warmth and talk to her like we used too. I would have given up anything. But no matter what I wished or begged with the one who took her, to give her back. I was left with only silence. I was left with my internal torment. Left with my anger at the world, at myself, my family, and even her.

Still, I was my mom’s daughter. I was her special little girl. And I knew if she saw what became to her family, wherever she was, she would be broken-hearted. So I buckled up and decided it’s time to keep going. If I didn’t do anything, my family would fall apart. I was still so mad and miserable but I knew my family needed me right now. Thus I hid those feeling deep down inside me.

I became like my old self. I cheered dad up and gave my brother a warning to stop fighting. I pleaded with him, to be back to his old self. I started taking care of little Jupiter. I tried my hardest for my family and finally, things started to be like old times. Dad started taking care of himself and in time us too. After that day my brother never got into a fight again. His grades were back up again and he continued to play basketball too. Jupiter still asks about mom but I decided every night I would tell one story about mom to her as she sleeps to keep the memory alive. After that, she kept looking forward to it. she loved the stories too. We were back to being a family again, eating dinner, and laughing together too.

But some things will never be the same. After everything went back to normal, it was like all those feelings I cramped down just busted out. The angry feelings, sad feelings, and even lonely ones. I still miss mom so much I feel like my heart is breaking. I miss our night talks most. I don’t have anyone to rant or tell my thoughts to. My family was moving on but I felt stuck. But I still acted fine around them because I was so scared everything will be back to when it was so dark. I didn’t want mom to be disappointed in me. So I kept up the charade pretty well. I still acted the same Saturn I always was on the outside but inside it felt like I was not her anymore. I feel so different from the old Saturn I knew. The Saturn mom loved.

It’s like this Saturn and this one are different people. A stranger. I felt invisible to everyone. I blamed them for not knowing but I still didn’t want them to know. I was torturing myself with such conflicting feelings growing inside of me. But I can’t tell that to anyone. I got my family back and I was happy with that. I kept this feeling to myself. And it worked too…until it didn’t.

I believe our mind is like a box. A very powerful box that contains and stores all this information. It can practically do anything too. But it’s still a box. And if you put enough pressure and burden on that box, It will eventually give out. It will shatter into a million unrecognizable pieces. I think that’s what happened to me. My mind being the box, I just strained it too much, adding more and more pressure until it finally snapped.

Until I finally snapped.

It was a regular day like always. Even though it began like any other day, what happened next was anything but regular. It was an answer to a question I didn’t know I asked. But for you to understand let’s start from the beginning of that day.

The day was Friday, July 10/2020. I woke up to go to school like I always did. I went to hall high school and I was in junior high. My brother went to the same school but he’s a high school senior. The popular guy and because of that, I was commonly known as Mar’s sister. Can you imagine being known because of your brother. It’s like he owns my identity. I wasn’t Saturn Synclair but Mar’s sister. Aside from my friends and teachers, I was called that. It was so annoying. It wasn’t because I hated my brother but I felt over shined yet again. I wasn’t special even in school. I felt that my name wasn’t important. The name my mother was so proud to give me. So as you can tell I wasn’t fond of school but who is? We just have to get over it. I thought it would be like any other day. Go to school; keep my head down aside from a few nods here and there. Learn whatever they teach you. Eat lunch with my friends and come home. But this wasn’t just another school day but how was I supposed to know that? I just got to live through it like everyone else.

Friday 10/2020 -7:30am

I wake up to my alarm going off. I tried to bang the off button but it didn’t budge. It was frustrating. I got up, yanked the plug, and frowned at it. Happens every time. I hate alarm clocks. There a lot of reasons to hate it. First, it disturbs me from my precious sleep, and second, it represents to get up and go to school. Thank god today is Friday. I got up showered then wore the first thing I found suiting. I don’t care what I wear. I mean why should we care what to wear if only to go to school to be tortured and come back and still be tortured by the line of homework and assignment given by pissed off teachers for revenge. This gives the teacher too much power against us.

I finish dressing and went to Jupiter’s room to get her ready. My dad’s a cardiothoracic surgeon A.K.A the busiest career ever. At least that’s what it seems like with the way we see him. But he still manages to make it home for dinner every night. We can’t ever know when he will be called in especially in the morning. So I usually get Jupiter ready. I think it was for the best because the last time my dad and brother tried to dress my little sister, they manage to fit sportswear over a tutu. I was so shocked to see my little sister stuffed like a turkey. I never let them touch her again.

Jupiter’s only eight now. She’s started grade school this year and she seems excited. I dressed her and brushed her crazy hair into a ponytail she loves. I added a little accessory to her hair with the tiara she likes. She likes to look good. I think we found the future queen bee of the school. Look out!

I look at her as she twirls around looking at herself. Jupiter’s hair is so beautiful. It’s light brown like our mother’s, in fact, I see more and more of mom in her as she grows. Mom was beautiful. She had soft, dark skin with long curly hair down to her back. She had the most gorgeous smile. Jupiter has her beauty and facial features too but she has dad’s eyes. Those baby blue eyes that just seem to light up. As I looked at the mirror, I saw my reflection as I stood behind Jupiter. I was smiling down at her. I looked like her too. Dad used to always say I had the spitting image of her. From my hair to my face. But as I grew up, I changed a little. I was scared to lose something of hers. But at least I had her eyes. Her kind eyes. Only I and she seem to share light brown colored eyes. I was always so proud of having mom’s eyes. But now every time I stare at the mirror, I see her staring back at me. I want them to stay the same and yet change too. It’s hard to bear not having her hear looking at me with those eyes and smile down at me too, just like I was for Jupiter.

I snapped away from my sad thoughts. I grabbed the engrossed Jupiter away from the mirror and down the stairs to wait for my brother. It’s weird how I am always waiting for him.

“Hey, princess we are going to be late. Hurry up with your makeup and let’s go.” I screamed. I put Jupiter on the chair and gave her celery to eat. She has an unhealthy obsession with a lucky charm. But I can’t help it but indulge her. She used to eat it breakfast, lunch, and dinner until dad banned her. I still give it to her in secret but only for breakfast. I looked around for dad but I couldn’t find him. That’s when I saw the sticker on the refrigerator. I guess he was gone. The sticker on the refrigerator means he was out.

Emergency! Went to the hospital.

Eat breakfast and go to school.
And I will see you for dinner.
Love u xoxo

Yep, that’s pretty much every day. But he is busy saving lives so we can’t blame him.

“What did you say brat?” said a voice behind me making me jump. It was Mars. He always manages to sneak up on me even when I know he was there. Must be another one of his gifts, giving me a heart attack.

“I said, why is putting on makeup taking on so long when you do it every day, I thought you get used to it by now.” I snapped back. “At least I don’t walk around looking like that, brat,” he bit back pointing at my face. He always has come back for anything I say.

“Shut up alien” I retorted uttering his old nickname. Damn, I forgot about it. I used to call him alien because his name was Mars. When I was young I heard once that there was life on Mars on the news. I was convinced it was aliens and from that day on I kept calling him that nickname. Mom loved the name so much, they all started to call him that. I guess through time even that was forgotten.

I snapped back from old memories when I heard Mars roar with laughter.” I can’t believe you remember that” he kept laughing and I couldn’t help it but stare at him. He could laugh so easily and freely like this. Another thing to be jealous about that he could laugh and live so freely yet I am trapped in my own mind. Even the simple act of laughing makes me feel so guilty that I am laughing without her. How can I laugh when she’s gone? But I can’t say or tell them that so I act. I laugh when they laugh and I cry when they cry. It’s not that bad when I think that I am doing it for my family. Sometimes at least…

“Hey Brat, you okay? You got a weird look on your face,” Even when I try my hardest to cover it up, Mars notices sometimes. Maybe it’s because we were close growing up or something else but He would ask me again and again if I was okay. My reply was always the same,” Yeah I am good.”

“Just wondering how girls find you attractive with that horse laugh of yours,” I said and laugh trying to derail the subject away from me. “You. Little sister needs to get your ear checked because some say I laugh like an angel.”

“Have they ever heard an angel laugh? More like an alien.” I smiled when I saw Mars frown. “Alright Brat. You’re gonna get what’s coming to you.” he declared and dashed towards me. I screamed and started to run the other away. This is how our morning came to me and mars running round and round the kitchen counter. Little Jupiter cheering him on. Little traitor.

Friday, 10/2020-8:30am

After our little teasing was over by me surrendering and admitting he laughed like an angel, we got into Mars car to go to school. Mars is Nineteen years old and he got his driving license last year. But he only got the car this year. As dad was getting busier and busier, he couldn’t always drive us to school in the morning so he got Mars one. Lucky for him because he was itching for a car since he was sixteen years old. He was ecstatic when dad finally bought him that car. Dad made him promise to take me and Jupiter to school when he couldn’t. I don’t even think Mars was listening to a thing he was saying too mesmerized by the car he would even have agreed to wear my skirt to school every day. After dad’s lecture, Mars hopped in the car and speeded away. He wasn’t back until later that night. God knows where he has been when he came back. He wouldn’t tell us a thing.

So every day after that Mars is the one that mostly took us to school. First, he drops off Jupiter then me before he parks. And today was no different.

“Hey Saturn, I have basketball practice today so I will be a little late. Dad already picking up Jupi (Jupiter) in the afternoon. Are you gonna wait for me to give you a ride or you’re gonna walk?” he asked me out of the driver’s window. My house isn’t that far from the school. I could walk; it’s only like 30 minutes away. But when escorted a free ride, you always say yes. No protesting especially when it’s this early in the morning. I also wait for him if he has basketball practice too but today I don’t know why I said,” it’s fine I could walk. Good luck on practice alien”

“Thanks, Brat. I will see you at home.” I nodded to that and moved away from the car toward the school entrance.

I got to my locker, opened it, and pulled out my Math and biology books. Curse the person who started school this early. And the person who said to learn Math. Just because it’s math. Nobody likes Math. It’s universally agreed upon. I was heading toward my class when some kept calling my name. “Saturn …Hey Saturn wait up?” she screamed. I recognize that voice anywhere. That was my best friend, Rui Nezuko. She is as unique as her name. Her family is of Japanese heritage. So when she moved here she became the new foreign girl and I was the kid with the dead mother. We seem to click. When everyone outcasted us, we ignored them back and formed this friendship. It was so nice to have someone who doesn’t identify me as Mar’s sister or the poor girl they pitied. To have someone who knew the real me and liked it. She was the first person outside my family that I got close to after she was gone.

“Settle down Rui, the whole school can hear you,” I whispered to her when she finally caught up to me. “Everyone but you Saturn. You were probably in cloud nine, right?”

She knows me well no argument about that. “Nope just ignoring the crazy girl screaming,” I teased her. She hates being called crazy. She knows that I know but that still doesn’t stop me. “Oh really? Come here,” she said and grabbed my head in a headlock as she kept banging like a drum. Damn, she is strong. “Okay sorry. You are the nicest girl ever.” I cried. She let me go and I gasped out a breath.

“Yes I am. Especially since it’s your birthday today. Happy birthday Saturn.” She squealed as she leaped to hug me. “Birthday?” I asked a little confused. “Oh, you are truly hopeless. It’s July 10 Saturn. Your birthday,”

“It is?”

“Yep. What would you do without me? Here it’s your birthday gift.” She said and handed me a box wrapped in ribbons. I took the gift in my hand when I finally comprehended what she was talking about. Today is my birthday. I can’t believe I forgot today was my birthday. I used to freak about birthdays. Mom would always throw me these amazing parties with different themes. I used to love them so much. Used to? That’s when it came to me that Dad and Mars forgot my birthday too. Nobody wished me a happy birthday or even hugged me. I can’t believe they forgot me. Mom wouldn’t have. She was always ready with a cake and present when we woke up from the bed. She always gave me a birthday Hug too. But then again her hugs were gone and my family doesn’t even remember it was my birthday. They forgot me like they forgot mom too.

I was on the verge of crying but I held it in. Never cry in school is the number one rule. It’s bad enough I still receive pity glances but crying will be my end. I stuffed the box in my bag. I glanced back at Rui but thank god she didn’t notice my freak out. The bell rang signaling the start of class and I have never been so thankful for that bell. “Rui thank you so much for the gift. I love it.” I expressed it with a hug like the one she gave me before. “You’re welcome bestie.” She said and hugged me back. After a minute, I let her go and told her I would meet her for lunch. She agreed and ran to her class. I also left for my first period but I was in no mood to learn as I was experiencing the worst birthday ever and it would only get worse.

Friday 10/2020 1:30-am

Today doesn’t seem different at all, at least not to my brother, Mars. I have seen him at least four times but not once did he mention my birthday. Just a few nods and smiles. While he smiles and laughs, my mood seems to get worse and worse. At long last, it became lunchtime. Lunchtime used to be my favorite time of school. Whatever happens, food and time with my friends always cheered me up. But today I wasn’t feeling it which only shows that this isn’t my day. Still, Rui would be waiting for me there and after all, she was the only one who would even remember my birthday so I couldn’t just ditch her. I just better get it over with, I thought as I walked towards the cafeteria with my head down clearly avoiding talking to anyone. However walking head down does have its disadvantage, I didn’t see where I was going when I bumped into someone hard. I muttered my apologies without looking up. But I was stopped when a hand-hooked around my arms and I looked up to see the last person I wanted to see right now, Johan banks, the school president, and the nosiest person I have ever met. She always seems to have something to say to anyone. And of course, she was the one I ran into the day I proclaimed was my worst day ever. At this point, I feel like I was being played a trick on by someone on higher-ups.

“Oh darling Saturn, I am sorry didn’t see you there.” She fussed over the top like always.

“It’s okay Johan, it was my fault.” I tried to get away but she wouldn’t let me have my freedom. “No, nonsense. Let’s just say it was both of our faults. You always walked with your head down. You seem to just fade out,” she stated with a smile. Did she just insult me? Either she did or she’s just dimwitted enough to think that was a compliment. What’s with that smile? It looks so fake that I could swear it was plastered on her. I didn’t need this today. I couldn’t handle keeping my cool today. So I didn’t,

“Yes unlike someone who doesn’t know when to mind her business,” I snapped. It was like the lid over my mouth I always maintained was open and I couldn’t close it. “I mean how could you when they were so many things you could stick your nose in”. ‘Stop it stop it! Saturn’ I screamed inside but it was futile. I was putting out all my frustration on the school president, or is it fate? I know she was the one who spread the news about my mom’s death and to this day I am still receiving pity glances.

“Is your life that dull that you have to snoop out any interesting thing around school and gossip about it. How you could process all information you get from daily rumor in school? Or do you just listen and yak about it to the next. You know what I really don’t care but just for today please mind your own god damn business. ” It was as if my brain finally caught up with my mouth and I stopped talking. Apparently, I was screaming too because all the students in the hallway were staring at us. At me. They were whispering and some even snickering. I couldn’t look at Johan. I was so embarrassed by my outburst; I couldn’t take it as they stared at me, judging me. I just ran out of there as fast as I could.

Friday 10/2020-3:30pm

Following my complete freak out on Johan banks I was the talk of the school until school ended. Rui was so shocked yet amazed at what I did. I believe her exact words were,

" Damn Saturn, I wish I was there to see that.“. See she never liked Ms. President herself. She was the one who outcasted Rui by spreading rumors that Japanese people were always so uptight so in relation she labeled Rui as an uptight know it all. In our school being labeled means you’re singled out and exiled from their secret circle of friends. Which was so funny because the uptight know it all was the labeler herself, our president. But we didn’t care to say anything before until now.

God, what was I thinking? The only thing I wanted to be today was to be invisible but now everyone is uttering my name and whispering behind my back. The irony is painful. I felt bad for screaming at Johan like that, she didn’t deserve being the subject of all my frustrations. I didn’t utter a single lie but still, it doesn’t justify embarrassing her like that. I couldn’t begin to explain what possessed me to say that but I am glad it is over now. The last bell rang signaling the end of school. I said goodbye to the still astonished Rui about my heroic work, her words not mine. I was walking to the parking lot when I recalled that my brother was going to be late today. ‘Of course, pile it up why don’t you?’ I wanted to scream to whatever divine thing was playing a joke on me.

I did tell him I would go ahead and I am not gonna stay another minute in school than I already have too. Well, then that brings up the only option-Walking. I pulled my phone out along with my earphones. I fixed my earphones on my ear to listen to music while I walk. I turned back to the school entrance, away from the parking lot; I walked in the direction of the exit when I was stopped dead. There she was, our dear president, Johan with an ugly look on her face. She was glowering right at me blocking the exit. I can’t catch a break. ‘Just don’t talk to her. Pass her by. Whatever she says, just ignore her.’ I said trying to talk myself down. I marched down to the exit. She was still growling at me. But I kept my head down and was almost there. Almost free when she moved to stand in front of me and I was at a standstill.

" Always keeping your head down like you’re so innocent,” she snarled,” But I saw the real you today when you embarrassed me like that. You are such a snob for a girl with a dead mother. You’re so full of it. It’s not like you’re the only one with a dead parent. To think I was gonna offer you dinner at my house because I felt bad for you and you treated me that way. The one person at school who asked how you were after it happened.”

“Still what did I expect; you probably didn’t even know you are being disrespectful with no mother to teach what that is. Did mommy leave dear innocent Saturn all alone? Is that why you’re acting up? At least your mother is not here anymore to see you behave like this. She would be so disappointed.”

I didn’t know what I was thinking or if she said anything more, one thing I was standing there, and the next I was one the floor above Johan with a death grip on her neck.

“Don’t. Ever. Speak. About. My. Mother.” I was repeating again and again. “You don’t know anything about her so don’t fucking ever speak about her as you did. Call me whatever you want. Even spread rumors about me but leave my mother out of this. She doesn’t deserve to be spoken by your foul mouth Johan.” I still had my hand around her neck. She was gasping out of breath. My mind was telling me to let go but I couldn’t do it. I kept hitting her with one hand and gripping her with the other as I muttered: “you’re gonna pay for speaking about her.” I fumed. It was like I was experiencing out of body moment. It felt like I was watching myself being stupid and couldn’t do anything about it. I just felt this rage within me plummet out. I couldn’t see or think straight. My only focus was on Johan telling me again and again that I didn’t have a mother anymore.

I can hear her wheezing and desperate plea to let go but I continued to hit her again and again until I was suddenly being pulled off her.

“You don’t know how lucky you are. You can be with your mother whenever you want. You can eat and argue with her. She is there for you. Do you know where my mother? She is six feet under, cold, and alone. Because she was always taking care of others. She risked her life that day but end up losing hers. Figures a girl like you wouldn’t understand and I didn’t expect you too but to say those awful things. You’re gonna pay. You selfish bitch” I yelled at the top of my lungs as I got dragged off kicking and screaming. While she was on the floor gasping and crying.

Friday 10/2020 – 4:00pm

Apparently, the person who dragged me off was our principal, David Anderson. Evidently now I am in his office with a crying Johan, she’s been wailing for an hour straight, I am surprised her tear hasn’t dried yet. While yours truly is getting lectured on bodily harm to a student on campus. We have been in the office for an hour now with the principal and the guidance counselor, Sienna Joy, as they kept asking us what happened. I am still a little shocked at what I did but still so angry at what she said. How dare she? I knew she was all talk and fake sympathy but I didn’t think she was capable of speaking those words. Can’t say the same about Johan though. She transitioned from weeping to ranting about how I wanted to kill her. How she wanted me arrested and sued.

“Calm down Ms. Banks” this was coming from the guidance counselor,” can you tell us what happened?”

“I will tell you what happened. This freak tried to kill me. She was choking me to death.

I want her arrested for what she did. CALL THE POLICE!” she shrieked.

“No, before we go to that, you need to tell us what happened? Why did she attack you?” this was coming from the principal. Probably stunned at what happened on school grounds in his watch. They shut us off from all the prying students outside for sure trying to cover this up so it doesn’t affect the school good reputation. I think the odds aren’t on their favor since Johan’s dad is some famous attorney. I for one don’t give a damn. She deserved what she got.

“I told you she tried to kill me.” Johan bawled. The guidance counselor tried to calm her down. “Why? There has to be a reason,” she asked as a counselor perhaps seeking reason.

“I don’t know. I was just inviting her to dinner with my family. Maybe I offended her somehow. Perhaps she thought I meant it as a sense of pity for her mother but it was just a friendly invitation,” Johan lied with a straight face. Crazy two-faced bitch! She is lying through her teeth. I couldn’t help the sudden urge to plummet her. I went to throttle her but the principal held me down yet again. “She’s lying. Nosy bitch” I yelled at them.

“This is a warning but I will not accept this vulgar language spoken in my school again. Now Ms. Synclaire, we heard Ms. Banks’ side of the story. We will hear yours too. Can you tell us what happened?” I can tell from their faces that they won’t believe me. They’re just doing this as a common procedure. I mean they literally saw her on the ground with me on top chocking her. How much clearer can it be that I was guilty? And more importantly, I would rather get suspended than utter the same words about my mother. I would not let her be disrespected twice. So I stayed quiet.

“Please Ms. Synclair help us understand what happened. Why do you think she is lying?” asked the guidance counselor. She is a nice lady. I know she honestly wants to help people but I don’t need help. Not from her at least. She couldn’t do anything that I didn’t already know. I remained silent.

“Saturn you were such a bright young girl. You were so active and happy. You were the captain of the astronomy club and loved it like it was part of your soul. I knew your brother too. But this year, you seem lost. You up and quit the astronomy club. Stopped joining clubs and participating in anything. I want to help. I know it must be hard to lose a mother like that. But you can’t stop living your life. The living must go on.” she spoke in a soothing tone. I knew deep down she was trying to help but that moment I couldn’t get myself to care.

“Hard? Try unbearable. The living must go on? Is that all you have to say. That I should forget her and just move on.” I sneered at her. “No, I just want to help you be better.” She said in a small voice.” I don’t need your help!” I shouted. I didn’t want to talk about this. No one understands. So why bother? After a few tries of asking me what happened, when I refused to talk, the principal threatened to suspend me or even expel me. Johan was insistent on getting involved with the police. But that would be the end of Principal David so he convinced her that I would get a disciplinary action to decide if I would get expelled or not. That seems to satisfy her enough judging by the smug face of hers. Now they are in the process of calling my dad. I am more worried about that. How am gonna explain this to him?

They let us go after strict warning and promise that this will not happen again and me with a letter of suspension to give to my Dad. I just left the office and started walking. It was way past Mars’ practice so I am sure he was already home. It was almost dinner time so I am sure dad is home too. I am certain he received the phone call too. I am already dreading the discussion, not only dad’s but Mars too. This is how my school day ended. My birthday, forgotten, me getting in a fight and now suspended. How could things get any worse?

Friday 10/2020- 6:00pm

I arrived at the house. It was already night time. I can tell by the noises coming from the house that my brother already heard of my suspension too. Just great. I turned the doorknob, opened the door, and entered the house. Just as got in, the voices quieted down to whispers. I closed the door behind me and walked past the kitchen to the living room where there was my very angry dad and Mars were waiting for me. For a moment nobody spoke, the silence was uncomfortable. It wasn’t for the lack of words rather I didn’t know how to say it. I didn’t see Jupiter, she must be sleeping then. Good, I don’t know how this is going to go down. It’s better if she didn’t see this. Dad sat down on the couch. I followed him and sat on the opposite side.

“Saturn I got a call from your principal today. He told me you got into a fight. That you beat up a girl student, is that true Saturn? Did you do that?” Dad questioned. Dad was always like this when we got into trouble. He would get the details first then start lecturing or punishing.

“Yes,” I answered. He exhaled and asked a question I didn’t want to answer,” Why? What would possess you to chock one of your classmates?” I looked at Dad but his face was expressionless. Mars looked distressed. I wanted to tell them everything. I wanted to tell them how she spoke of mom and how I defended her. I wanted their support, telling me I did the right thing. However, I couldn’t make myself do it. It felt as if there was an internal battle between the old Saturn wanting to confess everything and just let it go but the new Saturn was mad at them. She didn’t think they will believe her instead side with Johan. I was still mad they forgot my birthday. I felt overlooked like mom was.

“Answer me when I am speaking to you young lady!” screamed dad.

“Tell us what happened, Saturn?”

“Why ? so you could side with Johan too. What’s the point?” I barked back.

“This is not a joke Saturn. You hurt another person. Your principal told me she was gonna call the cops Saturn. You could go to jail.” Dad said with a stern look on his face.

“What’s wrong with you Saturn? This isn’t you.” this came from Mars with a grave look as he spoke. Even Mars was judging me. I didn’t think dad would be on my side but I thought at least Mars would stick up for me.

“The Saturn I knew wouldn’t resort to violence even in serious situations.” He said again telling me what I already know. “Well then maybe I am not the Saturn you know anymore. I have changed. People change. Deal with it.” I snapped back. I could see my dad’s surprise face. He must be shocked because his little girl doesn’t speak to anyone like that.

“Saturn you will not speak to your brother or me like that. I demand you tell me what happened right now. Do you have any idea the kind of danger you put yourself and not to mention your classmate? There is going to be disciplinary action against you to decide if you’re going to be expelled or not. Your principal said you wouldn’t tell them what happened either. This is a serious matter Saturn. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. My strong little girl wouldn’t do this. She sticks up for the weak not harm someone. Your mother would be disappointed in you.” Those last words broke me into million pieces. It was as if the last straw that was holding me back snapped. All those feelings I cramped were surfacing out and I couldn’t hold on anymore. I was sinking into the abyss of my mind.

“NO! You have no right to say that to me. No right to use mom against me. All the things I did, the things I hid and fought for this family to be together were all for her. I was trying so hard to keep this family happy the way she wanted it to be. We were broken when she was gone. Dad seemed like he was gone too, he didn’t speak, eat, or even go to the hospital. I was so scared. I wanted my dad to make it better but you weren’t here. Mars kept getting into fights and staying out late. The school was this close to suspending him. He wasn’t here too. Jupiter was crying all day asking about her. So I had to step up when none of you did. I kept my grieve on hold so I could hold us together. But how can you say she would be disappointed in me?” I was screaming all my frustration out. Tears were flowing down my cheeks. I kept wiping them but it just kept coming. But I wasn’t done yet, far from it

“How do you know how she would feel? You don’t even talk about mom anymore. You just seem to accept she was gone and closed the door behind her. Even when I try to mention her, you ignore me like you’re not listening. You to Mars.” I said turning my head to my brother.” Neither of you talks about her. I was the only one keeping mom’s memories alive. I was the only one telling Jupiter about mom when she was sobbing asking where she was. I was the only one who told stories about her every night. Bet you didn’t know that either.”

Dad tried to get closer to me, “I know you miss her honey.” He said in a soft voice.

“Well somebody has too. Did you miss her dad? No! You turned your back on her. You forgot her. And now you are forgetting me too. None of you even remembered today was my birthday. Mom always remembered. She would surprise me with cakes and presents. She would give me a hug whispering into my ears to make a wish. That she will grant it for me.” I said recollecting what she said to me on my last birthday. The last time she tells me she will grant my wish for me. By now I was sobbing fully. I couldn’t control my tears and my voice was cracking. But I wouldn’t stop. Once the dam was broken, the water can’t stop flowing out.” But there were no hugs this year. No one was there for me to hug. No one to tell me to make a wish and that they will grant it for me. Because in the end, she left me too. She chooses someone else and left me. She saved someone else and died. Why did she want to leave us? Why!” I cried. It was painful to talk about this. My heart was breaking with each word and I just wanted the pain to go away. To disappear.” I’ll still make a wish though. I wish I have never been born!” I screamed so loud my voice was echoing throughout the house. I finally looked up to see my dad and Mars. My dad’s face had lines of tears down to his chin, he was crying too. I never saw my dad cry before. Even when mom died, he would cry behind his locked bedroom. I could only hear him sitting outside as I cried myself. He looked defeated and grief-stricken. Mars was no better. He wasn’t crying but he looked so sad and filled with regret.

As the echo of my words resonated back to me. I finally realized what I did. I single-handedly destroyed my family. All those times I worked so hard to bring light back to our house for it to disappear just like that. I looked at them both. Dad tears were still flowing. I looked at what I did and I couldn’t handle it. They were right; Mom would be disappointed in me. I sat up and ran up the stairs, two at a time as Dad and Mars were calling me back. I ignored them and rushed to my room. Once I was in, I slammed the door shut and locked it.

The room was dark and I couldn’t see anything. I didn’t turn on the lights because this is what I deserved. Darkness. The same darkness I descended on my family. What kind of child makes her dad cry? I can’t do anything right. I must be a cursed child. I made dad cry and Mars looked so sad. Mom would see them from above and be so mad at me too. I didn’t mean what I said before but maybe I should. If I make my family so sad, they would be better off if I wasn’t born at all. They will be happy and not cry if I am not here anymore. And Mom would be at peace too. I also wouldn’t feel this pain and guilt anymore. I wish I wasn’t born so they can be happy again.

Friday 10/2020-9:00pm

Dad and Mars finally stopped knocking and banging the door about an hour ago. I was scared. I couldn’t face them so I stayed quiet. The light was still off. The darkness was eerier than ever. Today was a half-moon so its illumination was weak. After sitting down on the floor at the farthest corner of my room, away from the door, I started to doze off.

“Poor child. No child should ever wish that.” said a voice close to me. I sat up with a start! What was that? The voice came from my room. It spoke again but I couldn’t see them. I couldn’t see anything. Maybe it’s a robber. I panicked and grabbed anything I could get my hands on to use as a weapon. Unfortunately, the only close thing I could find was a coat hanger but it’s still better than nothing. I clenched the hanger firmly in my hand and try to see who was there.

I still couldn’t see anything but I could hear them walk around my room. I was scared but I still called out,” Who is there?” I was shaking as I pointed my weapon in front of me. “Who is there? I am gonna call the police.” I tried to scare away the thief. That’s when a bright light in the room flashed and I could see a woman dressed in white come in to view.

“No need for that child.” The woman standing in the middle of my bedroom said. I was shocked to speak. She didn’t look like a thief at all. For one she looked like a middle-aged woman. She was beautiful too. Black hair flowed down her back and her chocolate skin was shining. But what captured my attention was her voice. The way she spoke, the sound of her voice was naturally soothing. It was like I was being wrapped in a warm blanket each time she spoke. But I still couldn’t let my guard down, I don’t know this woman and she was standing in my room like she belonged. “Who are you,” I asked again.

The woman stepped closer to me. Instinctively I pointed my weapon at her. “That wouldn’t hurt me,” she said looking at my coat hanger. I knew that but she didn’t. “I will be the judge of that,” I responded confidently. It was the opposite of what I was feeling. “Now answer my question. Who are you and what are you doing in my room?” I asked with a solemn tenor in my voice. “Very well. My name is Tyra.” She answered with a smile. I was surprised she answered; I didn’t think she would easily tell me. “What are you doing here?” I asked again. To which she replied,” I am here to help you Saturn.”

“Help me? Help me with what?” That’s when it hit me. She knew my name and I didn’t tell her. She already knew who I was. Where are dad and Mars? Did she do something to them? I was terrified now. “How do you know my name? Where are my Dad and Mars?”

“Dad! ….Mars! ,” I screamed. But no answer. “They can’t hear you, honey,” she responded making my heart skip a beat. “Why? Did you do something to them? Tell me?” I screamed at her, gripping my coat hanger so hard I felt pain. “No, they are fine. They are just sleeping.” She replied calmly. The panic subsided when she said that. Thank god!

“Then what are you here for?” I questioned her. To which she answered,

" I am here for you Saturn. I am your Guardian Angel.”

----------------------------------- ------------------------------------ -----------Friday 10/2020- 10:00pm

I must be dreaming, was the only explanation I could come up with. Either that or I am crazy.

I kept eyeing the woman, who is standing there so calmly as if she just didn’t say she was an angel. Perhaps I got this all wrong; maybe I am not the crazy one. But then again, she doesn’t look like a person who escaped from an asylum. She still standing there observing me so I did the logical thing, I just asked:” Am I dreaming?“. “No” she replied in that warm voice again. I didn’t think so or my pinching before wouldn’t have hurt. Okay next question,” Am I crazy and hearing things? “. ” No,” she said again. “Are you crazy?” I finally asked to which she smiled and replied,” No I am not and I didn’t escape from an asylum either.” She spoke the exact words I was thinking. “Did you just read my mind? Can you read minds?” I asked startled touching my head as if to shield it. This is not good. I am thinking now maybe she is real and that’s not good for my sanity. Shit did she hear that?

“No, not always. I am your guardian angel meaning I know you well Saturn.” She said making me feel a little better and yet freaked out too. Maybe not thinking too much about it can prevent my head from exploding. Let’s just take it slow. “You said you were my guardian angel, what does that mean exactly?” It can’t get simpler than that. “I am an angel that specifically protects you.” Okay, that didn’t help at all. “An angel? As in heaven and hell exist angel? “, I asked. “Yes,” she replied so serenely as if she didn’t just admit hell was real. I was wrong there is no simplicity to get from this. “Okay then let’s say whatever your saying is true…”

“I never lie,” she said interrupting me. “Of course you don’t. My apologies. I will bear that in mind.” I said plastering a fake smile on my face. I don’t care if my pinching hurts, this just makes it a more surreal. I was thinking of ways to wake up when I recalled something she said earlier,” you said you were to help me. Help me with what, if you don’t mind me, asking…guardian angel.” I inquired gently. “I am here to help you find your way,”

wow, way to be precise. “Way to where?” I probed. “Home.” She said making my heart feel heavy with regret and shame at what I did before. “There is no need for that. No one wants me after what I did and they are better off with me gone anyways. I wouldn’t make dad cry or Mars sad. They can live happily again.”

“Is that why you wished you were never born? So they can be happy again?” she questioned surprising me. “Yes. I ruin everything I touch. I tried to fix my family and hold them together but instead, I destroyed them more. I wanted to make them proud; instead, I made them feel ashamed of me by doing something unthinkable. I just disappoint them. Without me at least they can be happy together.” My heart ached with every word I said but I still meant it, for them. “I know you truly believe what you saying but it’s not true.” She countered as she strode closer with her long white dress trailing behind her. I instinctively gripped my hand holding the coat hanger. Except I don’t think she was there to harm me anymore thus I dropped it on the floor. She was now close to me, for me to feel her. She’s real. Her presence was so strong as if she was radiating energy. I wanted to touch her but I restricted myself to poking her face.

She continued, “Without you, there will be no family. It may not be clear to you now but it will. You will see how you are very important to your family. It’s not you that will break this family apart. It’s you who will save it just like you did before.” “Save it? How did I save my family?”

I shattered it, not saved it, I wanted to scream but I held it in.

“Dear child, A person’s greater critic is themselves. We always judge ourselves the harshest. Like everyone, you see only the bad. But with the bad, there was a lot of good.” She responded so gracefully I thought she was reading it out of a poem. “What good did I do since I was born?” I asked. All the good was done for me and look at how I repay them.” I don’t need help. I am the one doing the damages.” I replied. “Saturn, you are buried deep under all that anger, regret, and guilt but all that manifests from hurt. You are hurting child. You are lost but I will show you the way and I will also show what it would be like if you didn’t exist. If you weren’t there to save them.” she said and began walking towards the door taking the light with her. There were so many questions running through my head. I wanted to know what she meant, how I saved them, what did she mean by show me but the only thing I said was “How?”

“Follow me and you will find out,” she uttered walking away. isn’t she a bundle of mystery? She stepped through the door and disappeared. I guess reading minds isn’t her only ability. Can I do that too? I was scared to follow her; however, I wanted to know more. I needed to find an answer to the question I didn’t have the nerve to ask before. I don’t know how but I believe deep down, she has the answers. My mom always used to say to us,

′ don’t let opportunities pass you by because you were scared. We are all scared at one time. But if we didn’t pull through, we will still be at the same place. We won’t grow. So even if you are scared, Do it scared. That’s what matters.′ Her words were always there for me. So with her words in my heart, I passed through the door to the other side scared.

Friday 10/2020 -11:00pm

I was on the other side and what awaited me was a bright light. It took me a minute to adjust to the intensity since it was so dark in my room. After a sec, I could finally see clearly. What I saw, to this day, astounds me into silence. I was in the clouds. There were miles of clouds and blue sky as far as the eye can see. It surrounded us. It was so beautiful. I was standing on it but felt like I was floating. Tyra was beside me, looking even more beautiful and heavenly in the light compared to my darkroom. I couldn’t speak; I was so mesmerized by the sight. The moment I got my tongue working, I didn’t know what to say. It had that effect on you. So I settled for, “Am I in heaven?” She smiled at my question. This is the second time I have seen her smile. It was hard not to think she was just another human with normal emotions too. But seeing where we are, it was a conflicting thought.

“No, we are not. This is a different place than your world. Not completely out of it but not fully apart of it either. It was never given a proper name but I call it, Memory cloud.” She explained. “Why did you call it that?” I asked. It looked like a normal cloud to me. Besides the fact, of course, I was floating on the cloud. “Because this place holds all the memories in the world. All memories shared between all from your world come here.” She said completely blowing my mind. “All the memories of the world is here?” I asked finding it so hard to believe what I was hearing. “Yes. All the Happy, sad, angry, and even most painful memories of the people in the world, all that is here in this place stored.”

“But doesn’t it get full?” I asked confused. There are a lot of people in the world and triple memory. “No, it doesn’t. As you believe that space and number are infinite. This is also endless.” Wow, that’s amazing. I thought that memories would all fade in time as people go on and forget. That there is no such thing as forever that every one of us would soon be forgotten too. But this counteracts everything I believed. “I can’t believe something this incredible existed. I never knew.” I said amazed.

“Yes, most people don’t know such a place exists. The only ones who do are the ones who are no longer here. Upon their departure, their own guardian angel brings them here to see and sometimes relive their greatest memories. More like a departure gift we bestow upon them.” she explained making me think if Mom did come here when she died. Did she come here and see her greatest memories? If so which one? I wanted to ask her that but she beat me to it,” yes I believe she did come here like all but I don’t know which one she saw. I am not her guardian angel. I am yours. I wish I could help you but I can’t” she said completely shattering what chance I have of seeing her again or her most treasured memories. If I am a part of it or not? “Then what are we here for?” I asked annoyed.

“As I have stated before, we are here for you, Saturn.” She said not making me feel any less annoyed. “Why? You said that only the dead come here. I am not dead so why am I here?” I yelled my frustration out. I didn’t care she was my guardian angel. How could she possibly help me if she can’t even get me to see my mom or her memories?

“Do you know how many people come here a day?” she asked completely ignoring my tantrum.” Of course, I don’t.” I answered in an uncaring tone. Why should I answer her questions if she doesn’t answer mine? “It ranges from a hundred to a thousand. That’s only for a day. We see off that many people a day. There are so many reasons that they are here. Maybe an old age, accident, disease….”

“As guardian immortal angels, we have lived with countless humans, guarding them. We see many succumb to the stress of life and wish death. We see many commit suicide too. But it’s rarely seen for someone to wish to never been born and for the belief of someone else’s happiness at that. We, guardian angel never intervene on human affairs. Even upon death, if it was their time, we don’t get involved. But I did with you.” She said shocking me. For me? Why would she do that? And she continued giving me an answer,

“But I saw how grave the situation was with you, so I intervened. I have watched you grow since you were a day old infant. I saw the love you had for your mother and her for you. I saw how happy and strong you were. I also saw how you were broken when your mother died. How even in that state you overcome it for your family. You stayed strong for them while hiding the heartbreaking grieves you had. I have served many humans throughout time, but none ever so selfless as you. You are more of your mother than you think. I was so proud to guard you and watching you prosper. Until that night…On the night of your birthday you wished for nonexistence. I saw your spirit break. So I appeared before you to help you. “She was always there. All this time I thought I was alone. Hiding my feeling thinking no one understood me. But she did. Every step of the way, she was there looking out for me. She broke the rules to help me. She even didn’t think twice before doing that and I was being so rude to her. I looked straight at her beautiful face. I looked closely at her eyes, something I always overlooked. Her eyes looked so soft and sincere. “I’m sorry” I whispered in a soft voice. I didn’t even know what I was apologizing for but I felt like I needed too.

“No apologies needed. It was my decision to help you. Now we have to go. We don’t have much time.” She spoke and hurried away. I picked up my pace and followed her. “Time? Time for what? Where are we going?” I said spouting one question after the other.

“I said I was going to help you. I am doing well on my promise.” She said confusing me more.

After a few minutes walking in an endless line of clouds, she stopped suddenly.” We are here” she announced. “Where is here?” I probed for a real answer. But I must have forgotten who I was asking, “In the memory cloud, There is like a section for each of you for your memory to be stored. This is your family’s section. “She said and placed her palm upon the cloud we were surrounded by.

Suddenly all the cloud around us disappeared. As the cloud cleared up, I could see the picture now. I was in a room. No clouds or blue sky. Just a normal room. I looked around the room to see if I can recall where it is but nothing came to me. “Where are we?” I asked Tyra who was behind me. When a voice interrupted me,” Hey beautiful. I am your mommy.” It was Mom’s voice. I turned around so fast, I felt a little dizzy but I saw her. My Mom. There she was on a hospital bed holding a baby. She was so beautiful I wanted to cry. It’s been so long since I’ve heard her speak. Dad was there too. Sitting beside her gazing at the child too. They looked so happy. Like the perfect family. They were a little younger than I remember too.

“We are at the hospital at the time you were born,” Tyra said explaining everything. The baby was me. She was holding me. I couldn’t stop as the tears flowed down. “Mom?” I whispered but she couldn’t hear me. “Mom it’s me, Saturn,” I said a little louder wanting her to look at me with her beautiful smile I always remember. I felt a hand on my shoulder so warm,” Saturn, she can’t hear you. Remember this is a memory. They can’t neither see us nor hear us.” she reminded me. Of course, how can I forget? I wanted to speak to her and tell her how much I missed her but seeing her so happy was enough for me.

“Honey, what’s it going to be? You couldn’t decide for the whole nine months you were pregnant, we have to decide now.” Dad said making mom laugh. Decide what? “What should we name her?” questioned dad making me gasp. This is the time mom named me. I heard so many stories about it but to actually experience it.

Wow, it’s like nothing in this world. Mom spoke, me holding my breath and filling my heart with so much love,” Saturn. Yes, Saturn is perfect. Just like that beautiful planet surrounded by a ring, this beautiful girl here made our family feel whole by being born. Like the ring, she surrounded us and made us a full family. I believe with all my heart, she will continue to do so. My beautiful strong Saturn. I love you so much,” she said speaking to the baby version of me as tears of joy flow down her cheeks. I was right; it’s so different seeing it for myself. My tears like moms couldn’t stop flowing too.

“You were her savior,” Tyra said interrupting me. Her savior? “Saturn, you see before you were her born, your mom was pregnant once after Mars. She lost that baby in a miscarriage after a few months. After that your mom was depressed. She wouldn’t eat, talk. She felt empty after losing her baby. She blamed herself.” Tyra kept telling me what I never heard before. Mom was pregnant after Mars then she lost the baby? She never told me that. Oh, poor mom!

Tyra continued,” But then she was pregnant with you. She was so happy and felt like herself again but she was also scared. She didn’t want what happened to her baby before you, happen to you. She prayed for you to be strong. She couldn’t handle it if you were gone too. Then you were born. The exact moment you cried in that delivery room, your mom was crying with you. So happy you were there with her. You saved her that day. After that, your mom believed in you from the moment you were born.”

" I told you that I couldn’t show you your mother’s greatest memory but what I do know is till the day she died, your mom loved you so much. She loved her family with her whole heart and she was happy. She didn’t leave you because she wanted to. She was so much like you, much as you sacrificed your pain and grieve for your family. She sacrificed her life to save that little boy from getting run over a car. She could only see one of her kids being hit by that car at that moment. She knew she couldn’t handle it if someone felt that so she pushed the little five-year boy aside and the car hit her. I know you’re angry at her for doing that and leaving her family. Because you have a good heart too every time you feel that anger thinking it shouldn’t have been her, you feel guilty. You hurt. But you need to know, your mom made her decision because of her family. She couldn’t have another kid die on her. she wanted to save him just like you saved her. She used to always admire your strength. The passion you had to stand up for what you believed in. Countless times you stood up for kids when they were bullied. She was so proud of you. I get your anger and guilt. It’s called for but I know she wouldn’t want you to hurt like this. You are your mother’s strong little girl.

Tyra finished. By this time, I was in full-blown crying. I didn’t know all of this. My mom was always so happy; I didn’t know she felt that pain too. The pain of losing someone. I prayed an apology in my heart for my mom for going through it and for me not knowing it. I didn’t save her. We saved each other. In turn, she saved that little boy. My mother was the strongest person I knew and she just proved that by saving that little boy.

The worst day of my life was being called from school and announced that my mother was in an accident by some faceless teacher. I couldn’t breathe until I got to the hospital. I didn’t understand what was going on. I saw Dad and Mars right there on the floor holding on to each other and crying. I knew she was gone right there. I didn’t feel her anymore. I couldn’t breathe and I never did after that. I learned she saved a little boy from an accident. He was playing when his ball got away from him. He ran out to the road and she ran behind him just as a car was coming fast. She died and He was saved. That’s all I could grasp at that moment. He was alive while my mother was dead. I felt angry and hate towards a little boy. Towards her for choosing to leave us. I felt guilty for feeling that way. Thus I hated myself for feeling that way. Tyra was right, I was hurting. But I don’t know how to stop.

I was still crying when a door being blasted open interrupted me; I looked at the door to see a five-year-old Mars come barging in with a big frown on his face. “MOMMMM,” he cried as he jumped on the bed beside her and looked at the baby.” Ewww she is a girl,” he yelled pointing at the baby version of me. “Mom I told you to buy a boy, not a girl. Now who am I going to play with?” he screamed making Mom and dad burst out laughing and pat his head. I couldn’t help laughing too. I would have killed him too if I didn’t do any better. The memory when Jupiter was born came to me. I was 6 then. “Mommmm,” I screamed as she sat holding baby Jupiter in her arms. “yes sweetheart,” she replied to my screams. “Mom I told you I don’t need a sister. Aren’t I enough?” I asked with a pout. Mars was there too. He said to me,” Stop being a brat” To which I replied “shut up alien. No one asked you. Mommy,” I screamed again. I was a smart ass when I was little too; I smiled thinking about that day. I guess me and mars aren’t that different.

Abruptly the room, where mom and dad were, disappeared. It was being surrounded by clouds blocking my view. I didn’t want to go yet. I wanted to see more of my mom. Hear her voice, her smile, her face again. I wanted to commit them to my memory and engrave it to my heart. It was too soon, I wanted to protest.

But she beat me to it again knowing exactly what I was gonna say,” I know you wanted to stay but we can’t. We came here to show you what you being born meant to your family especially your mother. I wanted you to understand her and why she did what she did. I wanted to show you how happy you made them by being here and we have seen that now it’s time to go.” We were back to where we were started, surrounded by an endless path of clouds. “Go where?” I inquired as she faced the clouds again and placed her palm against it. As telling it which memories to bring up next only by single touch? “we saw the time when you were born. Next, I am going to show you what it would be like if you never existed.” She responded. If I didn’t exist? It was as if the final piece of the puzzle clicked in my head. She was making my wish come true. Trying to show me how wrong I was. “Come on. There is not much time.” She said again as if she is on a run or something.

“Why do you keep saying that? Always running as if you’re on a out of time or something?” I guessed. But to my surprise, I was right.

“Yes you are quite right. I am on a time limit and It’s running out fast.”

“I don’t understand. why is it running out? ”

“ You see when I said guardian angel don’t intervene with people. I mean we literally can’t. Humans can’t see us. They have a barrier that blocks us from communicating. So even if we want to do something, we can’t physically do anything. But I found a loophole. A window of opportunity you might say. ”

“Upon the eve of your birthday, you made a wish. A wish of nonexistence, which made my Job void, meaning I wasn’t your guardian angel for that time being. It was the most vulnerable time of your life. This also made the barrier weak so I broke through it and appeared before you. But I believe at the end of your birthday, my time will also end. I will be invisible to you again. That’s midnight tonight. An hour later.” She declared. An hour? I only have an hour with her. But I don’t want her to go I realized. I didn’t feel this way at the beginning however being with her, I felt less alone. I felt special again, something I didn’t feel for a long time. Before I could say any of this, she announced: “We are here.”

The next place we landed was a house. But it didn’t look like a house at all. I scanned my surrounding. The place was so rundown. The walls were cracked and the painting was peeling off. The roof was leaking. There was garbage everywhere. Unwashed dishes clothe on the floor and take away that looks like it was a month old on the tables. I eyed the table again because it looks so much like our table. Even had the big broken chip at the side when Jupiter bummed into it. Oh my god! “This is my house,” I verbalized so stunned. Yes, I could see it now. The same kitchen table, even the living room couch set was the same.

“Yes, it is,” Tyra said confirming my suspicions. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t recognize my own house.

“What happened here? ” I asked Tyra still so shocked this is where I live. It looks nothing like our place now. It looks like nobody lives here. “This is a reality where you don’t exist. In this timeline, Saturn Synclairewas never born. I altered the memory cloud to show what happens if you weren’t born” she revealed. I wasn’t born? I don’t exist. It was scarier than I thought it would be if my wish came true. “Then what happened to my family?” I asked.

“After your mother died, The family was devastated. Just like in your reality, you were all broken. But in this one, your family never got better. Since you weren’t born, there wasn’t anyone to set aside everything to make everyone feel better. Your older brother Mars didn’t stop fighting and since you weren’t there to talk him out of it. It didn’t stop.

In your reality, you talked to him and he realized how much he was broken when his little sister was the one lecturing him. He changed after that. But here, everyone was wallowing in their own grieve that they didn’t help each other. So as your brother’s fighting got worse. He got kicked out of school. He fought a lot with your father too until one day he had the biggest fight that he up and left. Cutting his connection with his father.” Mars left? I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The Mars I knew would never do that. I knew what family meant to him.

Tyra continued,” You should understand grieve makes you do a lot of things you regret. Especially if you couldn’t move past it.” she said reminding me of my shameful wish. “And your father was no better. After your brother left. He felt empty. He lost two people he loved in a short time and he couldn’t take it. In your reality, you were there for him. Even though he lost his wife, you made him that he recognizes that you and your siblings were there for him. He got himself together and worked hard for his family. But in this reality, no one was there to remind him that he got more to live for. He only felt that he lost something, not looking towards what he had. He stopped taking care of his family. He doesn’t go to work and take care of his responsibilities. After all this, The Hospital let him go which depressed him more.” As she described what happened I began to see different pictures of what’s happening. I didn’t know if it was in my head or in front of me but I saw dad’s state. He looked like he hadn’t showered in a week and so thin too. He looked so sad. I wanted to hug him. I saw Mars too. He looked so angry which reminded me of what I was feeling. I saw their fight. I saw when Mars packed his bags and left.

I saw the look of regret wash over my dad. I also saw Jupiter ran out and chasing Mars down, begging him to come back. I kept seeing more pictures and fresh tears were running down my face. I couldn’t stand to see my family this way. I wanted to hug them then hit them so they could come back to their senses. “Your sister Jupiter was left alone.”

“In your reality, she was raised by all of you, her loving sister and family, that gave her love. She knew the warm hug that came from the arms of someone who loved you. She was told stories and stories about her mom so she knew her. She was happy.”

“But in this reality, she was being raised by strings of baby sitters and nannies your dad kept hiring. She grew up not knowing the happiness of a full house with a happy family. She didn’t know her mom and her brother left. She tried to get her family back but it didn’t work. After a while, she became angry at your dad for driving Mars away and at Mars for leaving them. she started rebelling.”

I saw pictures of Jupiter grown to a beautiful woman but angry at the world. I saw her skipping school and hanging around the wrong crowd.

My sweet little Jupiter was so lost. I could relate to the ugly feeling of being alone and lost. I wanted to hug and tell her she wasn’t alone. I couldn’t watch anymore and thank god it was over. I was back at the house again. I couldn’t but help feel relieved.

But Tyra wasn’t finished,” So you see what it would be like if you never existed. What you saw wasn’t happiness, it was far from it. It might not have been big or grand but what little things you did then for your family set a course of reactions through time that led up to this moment. A moment where you have a happy family. It’s a reality where you are born, that can only be possible.

A reality where you cheered up your dad even when you weren’t happy yourself.

A reality where you told your older brother to get his act together, when even then you didn’t get it together for yourself.

A reality where you loved and told stories about your mother to Jupiter when your heart was breaking from all the beautiful memories you missed.

It’s where you were so selfless that even when you were broken yourself, you saved them instead. A reality where your mother is so proud of you and so happy for her strong little girl. ” she said illuminating what I have been missing all this time. Just like the fake dad, I saw the things I lost, not looked towards the things I got. I got such an amazing family who loved me even when I was an unbearable brat. A father, who cared for us, took care of us, and loved us. A brother who would babysit his little siblings even though his friends were bugging him to go to a party, who set good examples of being a good student. A sister who looks up to me for guidance with such adoration and respect in her eyes. A mother who loved me. I know now that my mother didn’t leave us. She saved a person. She was the mom I always knew, there for people. Just like she taught us. I am so proud to call her my mother.

I have all of this yet I have been so blind to see it. I was blinded by pain and hurt. I couldn’t believe I said I wanted to never been born to them. I regret it so much. All I wanted to do was go home, hug all of them until they can’t breathe, and apologize.

I saw the house disappear, swallowed by clouds. We were back to paths of clouds again. But unlike then I felt freer than ever. My heart felt less heavy. I felt like I could finally breathe. I gazed back at Tyra; she was looking at the time again. “We only have 10 minutes until midnight and the end of your birthday,” she said making my heart stop. Is she leaving was the first thought that came to my mind. “I think we have time. Come on I want to show one more thing,” she said and grasped my hand.

She touched the clouds again and we were transported to a house again. Wait this is my house? The house I am currently living in. it’s so different from the other one. That may have looked like a house but this looks like a home. Everything I ever knew has been in this house. It so weird we were contemplated selling this house. I think it was about six months after mom died; everywhere we looked we were reminded of mom so dad brought up the idea of selling. At first, we all agreed that maybe moving may help us move on but I think in time we realized as much as it reminded us about mom. That was also why we stayed. Because it reminded us of her.

No house would have memories of mom like this. Wherever we went, we would have missed her but this house was the house she loved. Where she laughed playing with us, where she burned down the kitchen cooking thanksgiving but sleeping on the job. We wouldn’t let her forget it. We had ice cream and takeaway pizza that day but it was still the best thanksgiving ever. It was where we all lived as a family and in the end, we decided to stay. Now I realize I was the one who said I couldn’t leave first. They all said,” Thank God” at the same time and we laughed together.

What are we doing here?” I asked Tyra. What memory was she showing me now?

" I wanted to let you see for the last time that you weren’t alone. Saturn when humans usually are under the impression of something. they tend to fill in the gap in the way they understand when in real life it’s the complete opposite. It may look like one thing but be another. And I wanted to clear up some misunderstandings in the way too.” she elaborated but it didn’t help much. I already got the hang of it so I waited.

I saw a picture appear. It was of dad and Mars’. Oh my god! They were decorating for a party. It was my birthday party. There it was written in big letters, HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN SATURN. They didn’t forget. No, they were planning for a birthday surprise. I can’t believe I accused them of forgetting me. Forgetting mom. I wanted to cry but I think it’s dried up from all that crying from before. I saw them decorating, both Dad and Mars. Even Jupiter was helping. She was decorating the lower walls while Mars did the above. I thought Mars was in practice but this what he was doing. There was a big Saturn planet cake too, hidden below the counter that said ‘we love you as big as Saturn.’ I wanted to laugh at the cheesiness but it was so sweet that the dried tears flowed again. “So do you finally understand? It’s only with you that they can be truly happy. So if you want them to be happy, stick close to them always.” She said. I did the only thing I could do, I nodded. If I spoke I was afraid I wouldn’t stop crying.

I saw them wait for me but I didn’t show up. Of course, I didn’t. I was getting in to fight.

So stupid! I wish I just ignored Johan. Then I would have been here to experience this with them and not make them disappointed in me. I regret that the most.

I saw the pictures change again; it was Mars and dad again. But now they were sitting outside Jupiter’s bedroom. They had their ears pressed to the door as if they were trying to listen.

“Every night, you would put Jupiter to bed with a story about Mom. You thought you were the only one suffering and the only one who would listen to you about mom was Jupiter but every night, they would listen to you talk about Mom. They were always there to share the memories with you.” Tyra explained. I saw them sitting on that cold hard floor every day listening to me speak. They didn’t speak. Just listened and then they would quietly leave. Oh, dad, and Mars. I wanted them inside more than anything. I wanted them there with me talking about her but I never asked. Letting them think they weren’t invited. It’s another thing I regret. Another thing I have to change.

I saw the picture change again; this was the day Mars got his car. He was so happy. In this picture, I saw him leave our house. Yes, I remember that day. He left and didn’t come back until it was late. I asked him about it, he said he went out with friends. But here he was driving out of town. After a while, I saw him pull up. I know exactly where he went. He went to see Mom. He was at the cemetery, visiting her. Oh, Mars, why didn’t you tell me you were there?

I saw him sit there and talk to her. Laughing and crying there for hours. I didn’t know he went there but that would explain the times he would just disappear saying he just went out. He went to visit her. I thought it was only me instead I go to the local observatory to cry to talk to mom. It was hers and my favorite place. After I joined the astronomy club, she would always take me there for me to show her what I learned. We had one of my favorite times there and I always go there to see her. it was so quiet there, I would sit there looking at the stars and talk to her.

“You thought you were alone but if only you looked, there were people there for you. People who loved you and knew what you were going through. Because they were also going through it. Next time don’t do it alone. As you helped them, open up and let them help you too Saturn” I saw flashes of all the people I ignored when they were there for me. Dad, Mars, Jupiter even Rui. I would do better. I don’t want to have regrets anymore. I want to live my life surrounded by people I love. I don’t care if I don’t feel special anymore. If I have them with me, every day with them would be special.

Tyra smiled at me. As if reading my thoughts and resolve or she just knows me enough to know I will be changing things now. It didn’t matter anymore, she did more for me than I could ever repay. She changed everything. She changed me. She showed me, Mom. She showed me that I wasn’t alone. I just needed to see that. Without her, I wouldn’t have. I am so grateful; I just don’t know how to tell her how much this means to me. She risked everything for me, how can you thank a person like that?

The pictures of my loved one disappeared one at a time, but I knew now that they will be waiting for me when I get back. We were back to the paths of clouds. The Memory cloud. The first time I saw it, I was mesmerized by the beauty, and that hasn’t changed but I came with her with a heavy heart. Lost, angry with the world. I wasn’t myself.

Now, I felt lighter than the clouds that surround me. I let go of all the anger and regret I was buried in. I found myself beneath all that. I will be leaving with a sense of peace and happiness I haven’t felt in a long time. I gazed at the women who helped me find myself. My guardian angel.

She smiled down at me and walked away. Only this time, she didn’t touch any of the clouds with her palm. Instead, she turned around and walked towards the door we first entered. She opened the door this time and placed one foot inside. When she realized

I wasn’t following her but instead, I was standing frozen watching her go. It dawned on me that our time has ended. Still, I couldn’t move. I was scared once I went back, I would lose these feelings I had with her. That I would lose her too. I was scared to go on the other side again but this time for a different reason. But as always she said something that would wipe my worries away,” Come on Saturn. It’s time to go home. They are waiting for you.” she reminded me that I am never alone. I can be scared but never by myself. I smiled at her. I looked back at the beautiful clouds one more time. I engraved the sight in my heart knowing I will never forget what I experienced here. I vowed my last goodbye to Mom that I didn’t get to have and followed Tyra to the other side.

Friday 10/2020- 11:58pm

I was back in my bedroom. It looked like my bedroom. It may have been mine once but it didn’t feel like it for a long time. After mom died, I felt empty. I even hated my bedroom which was full of posters of planets and scientists I aspired to be. There were pictures in every inch of this room, pictures of our family out in picnics. When we went camping too. Mom loved camping. She always hated that she couldn’t see the stars properly here in the city but when we went camping, she couldn’t keep her eyes away from the sky, admiring it. She loved the nature outside, the food, and even sleeping outside. Unlike my dad who hated it. He would always complain but mom always had a way to make him come.

I took down all those pictures because I couldn’t bear to look at them before. Even took down the glowing star sticker on my ceiling, me and mom spent hours putting them there. I used to love them. Now looking back at the bare ceiling, I missed them. My room looked so empty now. It looked like nobody lived here. I didn’t decorate or anything. I wanted to change that too. I wanted my posters back. I wanted the beautiful pictures hanging on my walls again. I wanted to go camping too. I wanted things again and it’s all thanks to the women standing next to me.

I looked at the clock and it said 11:58 pm. Two minutes. I have only two minutes with her. There were so many things I wanted to say to her But I said what I truly felt right now,” Don’t go!” I screamed.

“I have to. My time here has come to an end.” She declared but I couldn’t accept it. “Please don’t leave me. I am scared to go back to being alone again. I need you here.” I begged as tears poured down my face. She looked at me with the most loving smile as she told me,” Saturn when I first came here you were lost. You thought you were alone. You thought you were left behind. All I did was help you see that it wasn’t true. You will never be alone again not when you’re rich with people that love you so much. You have found yourself again. And I know you will be okay. ”

" I still don’t want you to leave. I don’t want to lose you too.” I bawled as the clock kept ticking reminding me she would be gone soon. “You will never lose me just like you never lost her. You may not be able to see me but I will always be here as I have been. Since the day you first came to this world, the day you first talked, walked I was there. I was there to see you fall in love with stars and planets. Through the happiest and saddest days, for better or worse I was there and I will continue to do so. You are My Person. And I am your guardian angel who is so proud of you.”

I ran and hugged her so tight. I was fully crying into her arms. I would never forget her.

“Thank you so much,” I said crying as she hugged me back just as tight. “Thank you feel much better than I’m sorry,” she said mention when I apologized to her before.

As the clock struck 12, I whispered, “I love you Tyra.” as I kept hugging her deep down probably holding her so she can’t leave. I felt her bent down to my ears as she whispered back,” I love you too My Dear Saturn.” she said and disappeared from my arms. I couldn’t open my eyes to see she was gone. I couldn’t bear it. I just kept standing in the middle of my room crying. Until I passed out on my bed spending the last minute of my birthday being thankful for Tyra and for having my family with me.

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Saturday 11/2020- 8:00am

I woke up to bright light shining on me that came through the small opening in my bedroom window. The sunlight rays were right on my face. I shielded my eyes from the light and stretched my arms as I sat up on my bed. I was above the cover of the bed-sheet. I looked around my room when all of a sudden; all that happened yesterday came back to me in a flash. Everything I did with her and how she disappeared too.

She was gone. There wasn’t a trace of her to be seen. If I didn’t know any better, I would think it was all a dream. It seemed so surreal. Maybe it was just a dream but it doesn’t explain my heart aching and missing her. I know it wasn’t a dream; it was just a failed attempt to try to cover up this ache by thinking I just made her up and that she didn’t disappear. But I could still feel her hug and her words inside. Her warm words will always be with me. I am gonna miss her so much. Before I start to cry again, I got up from the bed. I walked over to the door intending to go downstairs and face my family when something caught my eye.

I saw a picture hung up in the wall. It was one of my family’s camping trip. I don’t remember putting it back. It was sealed tight in one of the many boxes in my room. I got closer to inspect it. I pulled the frame off the wall to see the picture well. We were all smiling in that picture. Even though Dad was complaining the whole day. We had so much fun that day. And just like that, I knew Tyra was the one who hung it up for me.

Of course, even in her last moments, she is doing everything for me.

I felt something on the backside of the frame; I turned it around to see a necklace in the case with the words written in the back of the photo, ‘Never forget’. I opened the case and the necklace fell on my hands. I strung it up to see. It was a silver necklace. It was beautiful. It had an angel and a girl standing on a cloud side by side. It was me and Tyra. When I looked at it closely, I was holding a star in my hand close to my heart. Mom.

I knew what she was trying to say. “I will never forget myself again. I will never forget you too.” I whispered to the empty room or deep down I was talking to her. Even though I can’t see her. I know she will always be there. They both will.

With the newfound confidence, I hooked the necklace around my neck and walked out the door.

My family was already up judging from the noises coming from the kitchen. I guess they are preparing breakfast. I stood for a couple of minutes hearing their banter if they were supposed to add sugar or salt to the pancakes. I couldn’t help but laugh listening to them. What would they do without me?

I breathed out and stepped down the last step of the stairs and went to the kitchen. As I rounded to the kitchen, I can see dad holding the salt and Mars holding the sugar arguing. Jupiter was making a mess of the batter while eating it. I smiled at the beautiful sight of my family. I am so glad I was born to this family I thought as entered the kitchen. I guess my entrance was heard too when a sudden quietness descended around the kitchen. I kinda liked the arguing better than this. The tension was thick. Mars and dad were staring at me and I was staring back. No words were spoken. I was nervous and sweating like hell. I didn’t know what to start with to clean up the mess I made. Do I apologize? Do I explain what happened? I had no idea. So I said the next best thing or least I thought.

“Good morning!” I exclaimed trying to break the ice. No answer. Tough crowd. That’s when dad suddenly spoke,” Jupiter, go to your room. I and your sister need to talk alone.” he said still looking at me. But Jupiter wasn’t going down easily, “Daddy, why can’t I ever listen to the important stuff? You always tell me to go.” She pouted. I couldn’t help it but crack a smile at her. However, Dad didn’t share my sense of humor,” Now Jupiter!” he commanded which got her running up the stairs in a second flat. Wish I could follow her but my battles were here.

The silence was back and I couldn’t bear it anymore so I just let it all out. “Dad. Mars, I know what I did was unforgivable. I don’t expect you to forgive me either. But I have to say it. I am so sorry Dad.” I said looking at dad. Then to Mars “I am sorry Mars. I am so sorry for everything. About my behavior yesterday. About what I said and did. I have no excuse at all. I just need you to know how sorry I am and I didn’t mean any of it.” I rattled on and on. Dad was the first to speak,” You hurt us yesterday Saturn.” He said breaking my heart. I knew that but hearing him say that was worse.

“I know how sorry you are Saturn. I just need to understand what happened. Where did all that come from yesterday?” he asked. It was hard but I knew this was the moment to come clean. To tell them everything. “I guess I always felt like that. I always felt so much anger and sadness in me after that day. We were all so broken then. We lived in darkness but through time you guys got better. You all started smiling, laughing. I was the only one who couldn’t get over it. I couldn’t move on as you did. I felt stuck. I guess that’s where all the anger came in. I never blamed you guys. But I guess I was just jealous I couldn’t laugh and be happy without feeling guilty. I felt alone in that sense. But instead of telling you, I hid it.” I told them. I finally let go.

“Oh sweetheart, why didn’t you tell us you were feeling this?” dad asked with concern heard all over his voice. “I couldn’t. You all were finally moving on and doing well. I couldn’t ruin that for you. I thought in time I would be better but it never happened. I was frustrated. I think it was what led to my outburst.”

“Oh honey, I didn’t know you were going through all of this. You were the strongest out of all of us. I didn’t think you could be feeling like that too. You always there to help us when we were down. Cheering me up and taking care of your sister.” Dad spoke with sorrow and regret feeling. Mars was the same, he wasn’t speaking but I knew he was blaming himself for not knowing too. “I am so sorry; we made you feel like that. Like you couldn’t come and tell us these things. You didn’t have to go through that alone. As your father, it was my job to worry about you not the other way around. It’s my fault. I am so sorry. if I were more open to talking about your M-mother….” he could hardly mention her now. I felt for my dad. He loved her so much. I saw that growing up. “Maybe we could have avoided all of this,” he said blaming himself. No! This wasn’t what I wanted. I knew he blames himself but he has to understand that It wasn’t his fault. “Stop dad. Don’t do this. You too, Mars. Don’t blame yourself. It was all me. I thought she left me. Us. I was angry…” It was the hardest thing trying to get the words out but I knew if I didn’t say them now. I will never move on. “I was angry she choose to save that boy instead of her family. I was angry for him being alive when she was dead. Then when I kept thinking like that I would feel guilty. How could anyone think that? I would hate myself. I was hurting and I made myself like thinking I was alone in this. At least I thought I was but someone every special to me showed me, I was wrong. Instead of bottling things up, I should have let you guys in as you did for me. I just couldn’t see that until recently.”

Mars spoke up for the first time,” But I should have seen this. I was supposed to be taking better care of you. I should have known. You’re my little sister, I should have been there for you” he uttered in a broken voice. “You were Mars. You were there every step of the way. I could always count on my big bro. But don’t blame yourself for something you didn’t know. How could you have known when I hid it from you? I was just scared of losing you guys too. I love you all so much.”

“You’re not gonna lose us Saturn. You’re my daughter.

Since the day you were born to this day you have been the one to keep us together in a full circle. They always thought about others than her. That’s who you are. Just like her. God, you remind me of her every single time I see you. She was kind and brave just like you. She would be always thinking of others first. She was stubborn like that too. She wouldn’t listen to me telling her to take care of herself. She would say, ‘if we don’t take care of each other, who would?’ But even if she drove me crazy. I fell in love with her because of that. Her big heart. The day I lost her was the hardest thing I had to go through in my life. I was angry Saturn just like you. At her too. At everyone who lived while she didn’t. All I thought was I would never see her again. I would never hear her laugh again. I was in darkness when a bright star came to me. You, Saturn, my strong little star came and showed me that I didn’t completely lose her. She was here inside you. Inside of all of us. You showed me that. I just regret not doing that for you too. All of you. “He said looking at Mars too.” But I will do better from now on. You just need to let us in too from now on. We are there for you for better or worse .we are family through and through.” He said and hugged me so tight showing me all the love he had.

“Thank you, daddy. I will be okay from now on. I just miss her so much. But at long last, I think I can miss her without feeling pain and anger. I have moved on from the pain.” I said hugged him back basking in his warm hug I missed so much. He bent down and slowly whispered in my ears “I love you sweetheart my Saturn. Make a birthday wish for Me.” he said making me smile. I felt so happy I thought my heart was gonna explode.

“I don’t need one. I already have everything I needed. My family.” I spoke softly. “But boyfriend would be good,” I teased him, making him laugh as I joined him. “Not on your life.” He laughed. It was so good to laugh like this with them again. I will never take them for granted again.

I looked back at Mars. We didn’t need to say anything. I just jumped on him and hugged him. He squeezed me and hugged me close. God, I miss this.” I want one too” said little voice from the living room as Jupiter came running in for a hug. We laughed as all of us went in for a big hug.

No words can heal a broken heart, feelings and action will. I misunderstood that. I thought if hid my feelings and just acted like I was okay then things would be okay but I was wrong. I was just bottling things up until it finally exploded. There wasn’t a way for me to let go because I was holding myself back. Now I know that it’s okay to be broken sometimes. To hurt and cry together so we can pull each other up at the end. To know someone is there for you is the best feeling ever

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Monday 13, 2020-8:30

I was standing outside the principal office trying to calm my nervous heart. Yep, I was back at school and called straight to the principal office. Again. I think I’m soon gonna be getting the bad boy ( girl) reputation from the other students at this pace.

After my talk with Mars and dad. We finally stopped hugging and settled down. I was at peace at last. Afterward, I decided not to leave anything behind so I told them everything that happened with Johan that day. Me screaming at her, her insults about Mom, and even how she lied to the principal. I told them without leaving a single detail out. As soon as I finished, well let’s say I had to convince Dad and Mars from going to her house and screaming their heads off. They were pissed was a major understatement. They defended me about everything but still lectured that ‘Even though she deserved it,’ Dad exact words. Attacking her wasn’t the answer.

Dad explained,” The moment you attacked her, you lost your reason and became just like her.” I learned by doing that, it made me no less good than her. I learned my mistake. But between you and me, it still felt good. So after a while, we agreed I would go to school and tell them my side of the story. I would accept my punishment for how I acted and she will get hers too. They told me they will be by my side through it all.

Now here I am waiting to be called into the office. I was nervous but I was okay. I was interrupted from my thoughts when someone barged out of the office. It was Johan and she looked pissed. She saw me sitting there. She gave me an ugly look and strode off. What’s wrong with her? Not a second later, I was called in. I stood up, breathed in, and entered.

Mr. David Anderson was sitting on his big chair by the window of his office with a serious look on his face. I cleared my throat to signal my presence. “Ms. Synclair, I didn’t see you there. Please sit down.” He showed me to my seat. I sat down. I was ready to tell them everything,” I know my behavior last time I was here is inexcusable. I apologize. I am ready to tell you everything that happened now. No lies.”

I was going to continue when he interrupted me. “There is no need. We know exactly what happened.” He announced shocking me. Huh? What did he say? “I am sorry but I don’t understand.” I articulated. How could he possibly know what happened? Unless he decided to only hear Johan Bazar lie. In that case, this will not end well for me.

“We had a witness. A third person, which I am not allowed to say, was there and saw everything. The person came in this morning to clear everything up. He said that Johan provoked you and insulted your deceased mother. He told me exactly what she said and when you attacked her too. I asked Johan this morning about it and told her about the witness. In which shortly after she confessed to everything.” he explained leaving me speechless. Who is this person?

“I have suspended her for her bullying of her fellow student. We don’t tolerate any form of bullying in my school and I have dismissed the disciplinary action against you too. Since it was based on Johan lies. It will be void. But as you did harm a fellow student, we have to take the necessary measurements too. You will also be suspended for a week and you will also do some community work for the school. Your punishment will be a little severe since you did harm a student in the school ground.

“You will be helping the janitor clean the basketball and football grounds three times a week. That will be all.” He finished but I was still a little shocked to speak. That’s it? I was expecting expulsion not community work. “That’s it?” I uttered unintentionally. “Shall I make it five times a week?” the dean asked a little amused. I jumped up from my seat,” No! Three is my lucky number.” I blabbered. I couldn’t believe it. I was minutes away from jumping up and down in happiness. “Thank you so much, Principal David. I will do my best.” I declared and was almost to the door when,” Ms. Synclair…” he called. “Yes Principal David. I will like to apologize on behalf of my student for saying that about your mother. I knew your mother.” he revealed. “She was always the first one to be here for parent-teacher meetings. She always smiled and bragged about your achievements. She was especially proud of you being the captain of the astronomy club. She was very proud of you Saturn.” He said with a warm smile. My eyes were blurry with an unshed tear. That sounded just like my mom. I couldn’t speak because I was afraid I would cry then and there. So I nodded a thank you. It was all he needed. I left his office with another beautiful memory of my mother.

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I closed the door behind me with a smile. When suddenly I was being jumped on by my best friend, Rui “So what happened? What did he say? Did you get expelled? If you did I am not gonna stay at this school alone. I will move schools with you. Oh, I have an idea, what if I threatened him saying I will move schools too. Do you think he will let you stay? Or we should rally up the students or start a petition for you.” she went on and on.

I was scared she wasn’t breathing at all. I took hold of her shoulders and said “Rui …Rui calm down. Breathe in and out. In and out” I instructed her. She always gets like this when she is overexcited or nervous. “I didn’t get expelled Rui. He said there was a witness who vouched for me and revealed Johan’s lies. So I am not getting expelled.” I declared with a grin to the crazed Rui. “You’re not? Oh, thank god because I was a little skeptical about the plan. I mean Principal David is such a hardhead even if I rally people up. He wouldn’t budge.” She said making me laugh. Oh god, she is crazy but I love her. “So who is this person who stood up for you?” she asked. “I don’t know. But apparently, he is a guy.”

I answered. “Ohhhhh you have a secret knight and shining armor. I bet he is cute,” she said in a seductive voice.

“How could you possibly know that?” I asked her. “I have a good feeling about this. You lucky dog,” I couldn’t help it but laugh again. She was always like this. Even when I was such a brood, she would always make me laugh. She was a good friend without asking anything in return. It’s hard to find friends like that. I am so happy I have her in my life.

" I almost forgot. If you’re not getting expelled, what is your punishment for kicking Ms. President’s ass? A trophy?” she teased. “Nope. I am suspended for a week.”

“What? A week? What am I going to do for a week without you?” she screamed like it was her receiving the punishment. ” I don’t know, learn!” I teased her back. “Shut up Saturn! What does everything happen to me?” she exclaimed with a tragic look on her face. Yep, that’s my best friend.

Monday 13/2020- 4:00pm

I finally managed to calm Rui down and said she could visit me during my suspension. And of course, I would buy her a pizza too. I was the one who was supposed to be bummed and bought pizza for me but somehow it ended up that way. The rest of the day was the same but somehow different. I felt lighter, freer. I laughed more with my friends; I held my head high and said hi to everyone too. I no longer feel that it was pity making them talk to me. I was more myself than ever. I also did one thing I was avoiding. As I passed the hallway today, I saw the astronomy club. I always ignored it and just passed it by but today I felt like it was time. Like I needed it for a new beginning. And more importantly, I just missed it. I had a lot of fun there. Stargazing, learning about Planets, Comets. I felt like I belonged. So I marched right in there. I was met with happy faces. I apologized for my sudden leaving.

I explained to them how I wanted to join and would work hard to earn my status again. There were so happy, I got accepted right away. The member told me how much they missed me and glad I was back. I was too. I knew where ever she was, was dancing with excitement too.

After the final bell rang, I was waiting for Mars to finish practice so we can go home together. I was sitting on the stands watching him play. And of course, he was amazing. I still felt jealous he could run like that without breathing in an inhaler every ten minutes but he was in his element. And I already found mine.

I was enjoying the game when someone tapped me from behind. I turned to look at a guy, a pretty cute guy if I might add. “Umm…Hi my name is Dylan Palmer.” He said stretching his arms for a handshake. I don’t know a lot about talking to boys but I think I was supposed to say my name next. “Hi, I am Saturn Syclair,” I said putting my hands in his big ones to shake. What he said next wasn’t what I expected,” I know” he stated with a shy smile.

“You do?” I asked a little confused. “Yes, I see you around the school. Also, I was the one who told the principal that I saw Johan insulting you that day.” He said shocking me.

" You were?” it was him? “Yes. Umm...I was there that day. I wasn’t spying or anything. As I was passing by I saw you with Johan in a heated argument. I heard what she said.” Oh no, so he saw me jump on her too. He must think I was a total freak. ” so you also saw what happened next?” I asked embarrassed. “Yes, that was some good punches I saw,” he said with a cute smile. I think I am having my first crush…..” Anyway, I heard her gossip the next day about how you were gonna get expelled and how she didn’t do anything to deserve that. I had to speak up. So I went to the principal and told him everything.” he explained.

“I can’t believe you did that. Thank you for that. if it wasn’t for you, I would have been expelled. Thank you.” I said sincerely. He saved me. And he’s so cute too. Damn Rui is right about everything. “I can’t have that. It wouldn’t work if you got expelled” he uttered softly. “What wouldn’t work?” I asked. “I couldn’t ask out my crush if she moved to another school.” he declared. What? “Your crush?”

“Yes, my crush of three years. I have been trying to get her attention for a while now but nothing worked so I am hoping if I saved her, she would finally give me a chance.” I think I am in shock. He continued, ” so do you think, if I ask her out now, she would say yes?” he questioned. I was speechless. Three years? He liked me for three years. How did I not notice that? Wait…” You mean me, right?” I tested. “Yes. It’s you” he said laughing. Man, he even got a great laugh. “Yes, I think she would,” I responded. “Great! Maybe I will ask her out sometime this week.” He said with a big grin on his face. ” I think she’s free this week. And a piece of advice, she likes Pizza.” I teased with a smile playing on my lips. “I will keep that in mind. I’ll talk to you soon.” He said and got up to leave. As he walked away, I still couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.

Wow! What did the hell just happen? I have a sudden urge to pinch myself. “Who was that?” said a voice above me. It was Mars. “Huh?” I mumbled a little disorientated from earlier. “I asked who the cheeky little guy you were talking to is?” he said with a frown. Oh no, he’s big brother instinct is kicking in. He’s always doing this. Whenever a guy even gets close to me, he goes off on them. “No one. He was asking me to join a club.” I lied protecting Dylan. Or else I would never see him again. He looked a little skeptical but alas he let it go. Thank god!

Mars finally finished practice. We got in his car and drove home while playing a game. We always played this game as we drove home. We lip-sync a song the other one picks. If you mess up a lyric you lose. The better performer wins. I used to be the best at this, mostly since Mars doesn’t know jack about my boy band songs. It was so funny seeing him trying imitating a boy band. I guess we missed it because we played this game the whole ride home. I won too.

We entered the house to screaming people. Jupiter and Dad were on the floor of the living room wrestling. “What’s going on?” I asked. “Saturnnnn, Dad is trying to change the channel on TV. I was watching Nemo, I was about to see when His father almost found him. But Dad took the remote.” She screamed as she jumped on him, trying to take the remote back. “Now Jupiter, you can see that later. There is a live hockey game. I have to watch that.” dad tried to reason with her while trying to keep her monkey self from climbing his body to get to the remote. ” NO! You can record that,” she screamed back. Yep, that’s my little smart ass sister. I can’t believe there are at it again. At least once a week, I find them like this. I was expecting Mars to help me knock some sense into them but of course, ” NO! I came home early from practice today to watch a basketball game.” He announced as he went after dad for the remote.

Now I am seeing all of them on the floor struggling to get the remote. I knew that not liking sport will have advantages someday. I couldn’t help it but laugh at them. As I watch them, I realized, I was wrong about everything. Family was for life. They may not always be here but their love will never go away. I whispered another thank you to my guardian angel, Tyra for making all this possible. For Mom too, for always believing in me. I would like to think they both are smiling upon us right now too and laughing like me.

THE END