Freedom
I scare myself sometimes.
I don't know if it's because I feel the urge to die or the clear simple fact that I really don't want to die because I believe that my life can get better. That it will get better.
Surely, one day the good will outweigh the bad and I'll be happy. I'll be okay. I know I deserve that much. We all do don't we?
"Hey." The voice was distant, but the hand on my shoulder managed to capture my attention and bring me back to reality. "Hey, are you okay?"
A weird sensation raced from the contact, traveling to my chest. Fear? Perhaps. I hadn't been able to detect what it was yet.
I looked up, my eyes instantly finding the pair staring down at me. Almost instantly, I looked away. It was hard for me to look at someone in the eyes for long. Especially males. It was too intense for me. That's what I told myself, anyway.
I nodded my head, trying to shove words out of my mouth.
"Are you okay?"
Shit, that didn't make sense. Why did I ask that?
He stared at me for a second before clicking his tongue. "Mhm."
I smiled at him before looking down, my heart racing as if I ran a marathon. By the time I looked back up, he was gone. Almost as if he was never there in the first place. My eyes fluttered shut and I sucked in a deep breath.
I'm so weird, I couldn't help but think.
I caught my reflection in the window beside me, letting my smile fade. A dull ache spread through my chest as my image blurred from the drizzling rain. Three words and I was already freaking out about it.
Pay attention when people speak to you, Kai. Please.
I nearly begged myself for the one thousandth time. My mind never seemed to remember it though. I always made a fool of myself.
Drumming my fingers on the table before me, I checked the time on my phone. Do I really want to go out in the rain? No. According to the time though, I didn't have a choice. I threw my hood over my head and stood from the little table in the corner.
There wasn't a lot of people at the bookstore today, or any day that I came here honestly. That's why I liked it. It was awkwardly quiet for me when I first started to spend my time here, but now it was comforting. It was my little safe space.
I tugged my little navy backpack over my shoulder and made my way to the exit, smiling back at the little old lady that stayed behind the desk. I didn't know her name, but she was very nice. She was always suggesting new books I should read.
Just as I was opening the door, I froze as I caught something drop out the corner of my eye. A cup splattered to the floor and I immediately came face to face with the boy from before.
"I'm sorry." The words tumbled out of my mouth.
I must have done something to have made him drop it. Maybe my elbow-
"Why?" He wondered, giving me a weird look. "It wasn't your fault."
"I-I...I'm sorry," I repeated again. For what reason, I wasn't sure. Possibly for saying sorry in the first place.
His eyes met mine for a second, making me a little nervous as he analyzed me much like he had before.
"You're okay," he said slowly, his voice soft.
Butterflies fluttered inside my stomach as I opened my mouth," D-do..."
I shut my eyes, shaking my head before opening them again. Just try again, I remind myself.
"Can I help you?"
Good. See, you're fine.
The anxious feeling subsided a little as I calmed myself.
Positive thoughts. It'll help. I reminded myself.
I waited for his response, glancing down at the mess he created on the floor. When I looked back at him, he only looked confused again.
Kai, you didn't finish your sentence.
"The floor, I mean," I added, quickly. "Uh, clean it."
He blinked," You don't have to."
"Yeah...I..." I couldn't process my thoughts any longer so I just hurried over to grab some napkins. If I couldn't speak, I made actions work instead. It always was better for me that way.
When I returned, I quickly kneeled down, patting the ground when a sharp gaze caught my attention. Was he analyzing me?
"Here. Let me," he said, grabbing some brown paper towel away from me. "After all, I was the one who made the mess."
"Yeah," I mumbled, looking down before me.
I picked up some of the soggy napkins and threw them in the closest bin beside me. When I turned around, the boy was standing behind me, frightening me a little.
"What's your name?" He wondered, tossing the other towels behind me.
I debated telling him. I was told I was too trusting and that I shouldn't just tell people stuff about me, but I didn't know when I should tell this kinda stuff. It was just my name though. What harm could it possibly do. It wasn't like he was some assassin trying to kill me.
"It's Kai." The words tumbled out of my mouth.
"Is that your whole name?"
"No." I shook my head.
I recently decided to make my life easier I would refer myself to that instead of repeating my name sixty times. It was easier to remember and harder to mess up.
"What's it short for?"
I shrugged, not really wanting to tell him.
He snorted," You don't know it or something?"
I rolled my eyes instinctively, peering up at him through my lashes. Why was this man so damn tall? No wait, why was I so damn short?
"I don't want to tell you," I answered, honestly.
"That's fair."
"I guess."
I turned my attention to the door. Why haven't I left yet? Too much social interaction was never good for me. It always went down south and yet, I always seemed to trap myself.
"I'm Lake." My eyes moved to match his. I didn't realize he was so close. His lips pulled into a smile. "I hope to see you again, sometime."
I stared ahead as he brushed behind me, exiting out the door. My heart beat thumped in my ear, as fast as thoughts raced through my head. What the hell?
Putting my hands in my pocket, I made my way outside. It was still raining undoubtedly, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I might actually make it home not completely soaked.
It's funny how we can hate something we love so much. Like the rain. If there was a drought we wouldn't know what to do with ourselves. The desire for just one rain drop could drive anyone crazy. Yet, when it floods, we just want it to stop.
I used to hope it would rain when I was running cross country, but when it actually rained I'd be so upset. I would get so cold and all my stuff would get messed up.
A couple minutes into my walk, a car pulled over beside me, nearly scaring the living daylights from me.
It was my mother.
I walked over to the passenger seat and tugged on the car door, but it was locked. I tried to get my mom's attention but of course she was looking down at her phone, so I knocked on the window, causing her to look up and reach over to hit the unlock button. I tugged on it again, but it was still locked somehow and unsurprisingly my mom was still looking at her phone.
I knocked on the window again, a little annoyed at the pain spreading through my knuckles. She looked to have said sorry before unlocking the door again. Thankfully, it actually opened this time.
"Hey," she greeted me.
"Hey," I replied, noticing she was on the phone. " I met someone-"
"Hush! I'm on the phone." She snapped, loudly. I huffed, turning my attention to the window. "What is it?"
"Nothing," I shook my head, shrinking down in my seat.
The voice of the person my mom was speaking to sounded over the car speakers.
Like the rain, huh?
