Not a love story

"You can't," He spoke "I forbid it." "Those are strong words for anyone to declare". "Who do you think you are to command me in such a tone"? "The Unlovable". He replied. "Clearly you are not". I answered. "You have no dominion over what my heart feels." I spoke. "Clearly I do". He retorted, "if you are declaring your undying love for me". "What would you have me do"? I continued, "if this is what you wish then tell me how, how can I stop"? I took a step forward making a gentle grab for his hand. His hands, both strong and infinitely gentle, an oxymoron I was more than willing to resolve. I stepped forward and he took two back. "You must step away," He responded. "I can't," I protested. "You mortal fool, as smart and careful as your nature is you dare speak to me in such a way"? His words were turning into a small dagger but no matter the outcome I wanted to walk into it if it meant I could stay by his side. "You saved my life all those years ago," I Began. He turned his back to me and spoke in a tone I rarely heard him take. It was the sound of pity. The dagger was now at my chest and I knew at any moment it would start to break the skin. He spoke, "you were a child then and I needed your energy to continue". "No," I said, "you are immortal." "Only the Gods are immortal" he responded " and I am not". "But you can't die,'' I replied. He looked over his shoulder and with a voice wrapped in dejection he continued. "You know nothing of me nor of what I am. "You asked me to embark on this journey with you, if you didn't want me by your side why do this?" "I am not your savior," he spoke now more forcefully.

"If you are not my savior and you don't care for me then tell me what am I to you?" I did not express" I do not care for you" he responded. "I do love you." I now more firmly retorted. "I have loved you for a lifetime it feels, and you tell me I can't" I do not understand how your race controls your feelings but us humans cannot simply turn them on or off. They are a deep unconscious outcome that controls us instead of us controlling them. How did you think it worked?" "I have lived among your species for over 1,000 years" He replied. "I can tell you with certainty that man can control their hearts and even close them, so I command you to do the same." The wind around us slammed the trees in every direction. The rain was heavy and made it hard to see his expressions. The moon light was no longer, for the heavy rain clouds now ruled the night. The air bit at my skin where it lay bare. My clothes clung to me and my feet now sloshed in the mud where I stood. But I did not care, nothing could be colder than this being rejection towards me. He stood firm and unwavering his steady hands juxtaposed my shivering fingers. We stood in the middle of a clearing between trees and it was here that I had chosen to ambush him with the truth of my heart. However the weather did not agree with my timing. I looked at him and knew he could not feel this cold. I wanted nothing more than for him to wrap me in his embrace so I could regain some semblance of warmth like he had done so many times before. Only this time not as a gesture of sympathy but to hold me because he genuinely cared for me. He began to notice my shivering frame, and I knew he could smell the salt rolling down my face. My hands now trembling, I lowered my sight and looked down to my feet. I wiped my face no longer knowing what else to do. I feared that if I made another grab for him he would feel uncomfortable with me or distrust me. "I do love you, I spoke" "forgive me but I cannot stop" He took a step to me and I slumped to the ground, my legs giving in. The cold and my breaking heart could no longer be ignored. My long hair reached the muddy ground. I had kept it long because this being once told me he thought it a beautiful color. He stepped closer and spoke again, "Stand we must get you out of this rain or you are to perish". I could no longer look up to meet his gaze. Those eyes that pierced you and held your very essence in place. I knew that If I looked upon his beautiful perfect face once more I would no longer be able to hold myself together. The last of me would crumble at his feet and I would be no more. I spoke in whimpers, "I cannot stop what I feel, I cannot be without you". "You disappeared from my life for ten years, when you returned it was in my 20th Summer". "I knew then that I would do whatever it took to never part from you again". My voice shaking . I did my best to control it but it was of no use. "I asked you what I could do to not lose you, you had to have known my feelings then, that was over a year ago" "What did you respond"? I asked. There was silence from him. "What did you respond?" I asked again this time with more force. He responded, "I asked if you wanted to come with me". "You asked me to join you on this odyssey". ''You say you care for me, if this is true then why did you come back at all"? "You knew my heart and what it contained for you" You had to, you know mankind better than anyone." "Please do not lie". "My heart agonizes when you are gone, and even now when you are close I can feel it break. If you truly cared for me the way you say you do, you would put me out of my suffering whether it be by death or by letting me love you". "I do not ask you to love me, all I want is for you to let me love you". "Still even this you forbid me from doing". He took one more step to me and I couldn't help but recoil, keeping my gaze towards the ground. "You poor little creature," he spoke.

"You are not the first of your kind to bathe me with words of love and admiration". I stopped crying for a moment. I listened intently at his words "Throughout my time here I have known many beautiful men and gorgeous women that have wanted for me to have them". "Mankind is not meant to be with a being such as I for we are the children of the Gods themselves" "If we take a mortal being and make them compatible with us we create chaos in the most selfish of manners' '. "The most I can give you is time by my side and nothing more" I can promise you nothing nor share in your feelings" the mud now covered my legs and my thin clothes doing nothing to shield me against the ice that tore at my skin. "Stand creation" he commanded "You will meet your end soon if you do not take my hand". I hadn't noticed he was extending his hand towards me for I was close to losing my grip on consciousness. My stomach wretched. I felt sick but I knew there was nothing in it to come out. I swayed to the side and quickly used my hand to stop me from going down. "Leave me here then" I said again "I will no longer be a burden to you" I cried. "What I feel for you suffocates me and I cannot part with such fire in me". All my life I have been alone. There was nothing for me here, you are the only constant, the only that has shown me kindness. You taught me what it is to love." "What you feel is not love" he quickly responded. "What you feel is an emptiness that you confuse me with being able to fill". "You have had the unfortunate fate to be orphaned and sold". "This has caused trauma in you a jolt that cannot be reverted". He continued to speak and the dagger forced it's way deeper into my chest. "I being the only one to treat you with respect, you have confused my kindness with love". "I have seen this many times". "Believe me it will be easier on you if you understand your feelings in this manner". My chest had swallowed the whole sharped point. This being telling me that what I felt wasn't real but a reaction to trauma confused my mind for a moment i admit. He knelt down to my level and I could feel his warmth radiate off his body. His whole presence was so inviting, whether it be because of the cold or because I dreamt he could still share in my feelings I no longer knew. I sobbed in my free hand and could not contain myself. "You have not loved a man before". "You are used but never loved, I know this of you". He continued. "You will find a man who will love you with the same intensity you declare to me now". "I do care for you but I also pity you". "This is why I chose you all those years ago". "Your kind has an energy that burns brighter once it's been drenched in pain". "I know all you have suffered and even now I can see how your misery consumes you so, It burns bright in you and I can't help but to feed off it." "I reveal to you this, I eat mankind's pain". I balled my fit in the mud, was beginning to understand why he had always kept secret his reasons for saving my life. However he had chosen to reveal the truth at this moment. I knew why he was doing it. He was telling me this so that I would take his hand and move past my feelings. But in doing so he was only hurting me more, and knew it. I began to feel that strange spark in my chest. It happened every time I remembered something painful and he was around. I knew now he fed off the hurt I spilled. I looked up at him in a quick gesture. This took him by surprise, he flinched, taken aback. I looked at him profoundly searching for answers, now with my last bit of strength I spoke firmly. "When I was a child sold to the service of men I looked into the eyes of the man that was to kill me". "I saw his full intentions that night when he took me in the night and stole me to the woods, I knew my fate was sealed, I knew my body would be broken and my life was to be stolen that night". "I wept the entire journey there. I no longer fought, no longer screamed, so I prayed, I prayed to the gods one last time hoping they would hear my plea, but I had already accepted my fate". I could no longer keep control of the volume of my voice. I was now shouting at him. He on the other hand was calm as could be. His face stern and I knew I had his full attention. I knew he was listening closely to the words I spat at him. "Before the monster could begin his attack you emerged from the darkness of the trees' '. "You startled the man so, and stopped his assault". "I knew then and there that you were an angel, my angel that had come to rescue me from my horrific ending". "You saved me that night". "Why did you do it"? "Only to abandon me for the next 10 years?" "I loved you the moment I saw you". I know I was a child but I know what I felt and even now I love you so". My words leaving my throat in slight rasp. My lungs wheezed from the cold I no longer had the strength to speak I knew those were my final words. My face felt numb from the cold but I held my look at him hoping he could understand what I was saying. His eyes were so intense they looked not of pity but more like sadness now. I could feel lucidity leaving me. He spoke. "I watched you the moment you were taken". "I will be honest, I do not know what compelled me to follow you". "I have never known the motive I felt for you, even now I do not understand this in myself". "I have watched and bore witness to many horrors, I have seen the deepest and most putrefact crevices of what man can do". "But your blue eyes captured me that night". "I confess I do not know why I stopped your fate". I will tell you this, I am not your angel". I continued to watch him speak, feeling faint. I gave him a look of confusion. He continued, " You see you are under the impression that you fell in love with an angel that night, but my dear you are mistaken" "This land holds angels and demons both nasty creatures". "When you prayed that night a celestial being did not answer your innocent cries". "I did". "I no longer had tears to cry exhaustion taking over. The wind still blew as heavy as before. The ice in the air lashed at me and the rain was now growing deeper around me. I could feel the earth slippery, I knew I could not stand in it. I would have to crawl to get out. The ends of my hair clumped with the muck below. My face only expressed confusion and misery. He spoke again. "You see your prayers were answered by a demon". My eyes widened and I began to breathe rapidly. I was always taught that demons were the cause of all the evil on the earth. That they were the most wretched of things. That they should be destroyed if caught. He leaned in closer to me and I could not move. "Don't think I'm so beautiful any more do you?" He mocked me. He had never spoken to me in this tone before. "I am an agent of darkness he hissed, a child of chaos, the bringer of death." He snarled, bearing his sharpened teeth. How had I never noticed this before? Your angel is nothing more than a vile wicked demon, woman". He hissed. He was so close now I could feel his breath on my face. "Don't you hate me now?" "He cooed". "I let you suffer so I could feed off your agony" I left you to despair so I could feed". "Let me hear you speak,'' he pushed. "Tell me how you can't believe you thought you loved me". "Tell me to leave you and never return." "Call me a trickster, a betrayer." "Tell me you could never love a thing such as I". He now shouting in my face. But I simply held my gaze on him. His face expressed what I could only deduce as sadness. I did not understand this emotion on him. He never expressed any feelings. It seemed so out of place. I thought I could see tears creep down his face but I admit, it could have just been the rain dripping down. "Answer me!" he roared. It was now him desperately seeking a response from me. I no longer had the fortitude to keep speaking. He was desperate for an answer. There was no mistaking his tone. He was so close to my face. The closest he had ever been to me. I leaned in closer still, to answer his question. He held still thinking I was to whisper in his ear. I instead placed my lips upon his and closed my eyes. I had never voluntarily kissed anyone before. I dreamed of what it would feel like to be so close to someone that a spark would ignite and I couldn't help but to kiss them. I felt his warm lips against mine and fell deeper in the kiss. He did not recoil nor did he stop me. He held his place and allowed me to continue. The feeling alone was enough to warm my entire body. I kissed him deeper and butterflies fluttered in my stomach. I couldn't see his expression but I knew if he wanted to he could pull away at any moment. His tongue made its way into my mouth and I felt my body floating. I wanted so desperately to hold his face in my hands. He kissed me with so much gentleness, like I was going to break if he was not careful, and maybe I was. I lifted my hand that held me steady from the muddied earth and slowly grabbed his robes that draped over his chest. I steadied myself holding on to him instead of the liquified soil. He did not seem to be bothered by my closeness anymore. He did not push me away nor did he stop my hand from pulling him closer to me. He pressed his mouth deeper into mine and I wanted him to envelop me within him. His hands fell forward firmly planting them in the ground around me steading himself in place. For a moment I noticed I couldn't feel frost in the air nor the rain spilling over me. I didn't know what was happening to my mind nor my body. I was losing control of them both. My hand slipped from his robes and fell back into the muck with a quiet splat. My lips suddenly left his and I could feel my head heavy and all sound leave my surroundings. I only heard a dull ring as my vision began to spin. My head dipped back and I could feel myself fall. Everything felt so slow. The last I saw was him opening his eyes after my lips left him so suddenly. He quickly realized what was happening to me. His eyes widened and before my head could hit the murky water beneath he quickly placed his hand under my head catching me. Repositioning himself he sat in the mud placing me upon his lap. With one arm he held me and with the other hand he turned my face to look up at him. I felt him hold my face and the mud smear on it. He held both sides of my face with one hand, almost pinching me between his thumb and pointing finger. He wanted me to meet his eyes. He spoke words but I couldn't hear him. It was as if he was far away. He shook me abit and all I could do was look at him between blurs. I didn't know what he was thinking or what he was going to do next. His stare was so intense but I felt no fear, not of him not of death. He then suddenly pressed me close to him, wrapping me in his arms. I could feel his left hand on my head slowly grip my hair. His hands that once pushed me away now pressed me closer to him. I thought I could smell ash on him. I felt his chest rise and fall rapidly. I could feel the beat of his heart quicken. All I could do was melt in his cradle letting his warmth devour me. I know what I saw that night, no one or nothing can convince me otherwise. For the first time I saw pain in his eyes.