Fox Fire

The sky, glittering blue in its own timelessness. Not a cloud dare encroaches on the peace of the day, the sun beating down with certainty, even if the temperature couldn’t be above freezing. The only shade being provided by the trees that continually invaded my vision. Dark, light, dark, light. It felt as though we had been on this winding road forever, however, I knew we had just made the turnoff about five minutes ago. I took a quick glance over before directing my gaze back out the window, placing the already red and frozen part of my forehead onto the pane. My warm breath cast fog over the window and, fighting back my childlike urges to draw in the condensation, I shut my eyes. Today was not the day to give into such menial things, even if the trees and the sky filled me with melancholy and the radio almost managed to pull a smile onto my face, at least, on the side that still moved.

My eyes opened in the same moment that my hand moved, touching my puckered cheek. Upon the skin lay a long, jagged scar, still red and inflamed, pulling down the right side of my mouth and the corner of my eye. I found, shortly after receiving it, that I could no longer smile fully, though I also found that I didn’t have much to smile about. I shut my eyes and let my hand fall into my lap with a small thud and I can feel my brother’s eyes on me, his gaze burning holes through the curtain I had forged with my hair, though I ignored it, as I do most of the time. I feel the exact moment his eyes leave me, and I feel a bit of the weight leave my shoulders.

Once it was safe to open my eyes, no threat of traitorous tears on the horizon, I do so, only to look out the window once more, trees now passing with a blur. All beauty that I had once seen was now gone and it all seemed to run together, the trees with the road and the sky with the mountains. The sun is the only thing that stood out to me, blinding my eyes shut and turning my head down.

Feeling as if all the energy was suddenly drained from me, I chose not to open them, letting the sounds of the radio and the passing road fill me. Every now and then, I would hear my brother hum, but he dares not sing. We had an unspoken agreement between us; no singing. Ever. The humming calmed me somehow though. The tension left me, and darkness slipped into its place, unconsciousness slowly following.

‘I could use some sleep before we see that place again.’ Was the last thought I had before fully losing consciousness.

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The trees blurred past in something that could only be called a green wall; at least that is what my young mind attributed the almost solid looking smear of evergreen that was the mountains in passing. Above this was a pancake of oranges and pinks and yellows, all surrounded by a deep blue. Personally, I thought it was gorgeous, though I knew that my stupid brother and his ‘way too mature for his six-year-old sister’ attitude wouldn’t appreciate the pure beauty that was the scenery. I debated for only a moment sharing this with my parents, who were jamming out in the front seat to some song that I somehow knew some of the words to, dancing and singing off key and generally having a grand time, and decided to keep this moment all to myself.

Turning my gaze back out the window and pulling against the restrictions placed upon me by my car seat, I half leaned against the window, half dangled against the buckles, my breath creating only a faint mist along the pane of the window. I sat up quickly, took a second glance around, before a mischievous smirk came over my features. I lift my hand slowly, trying not to make any sudden movements, and begin drawing silly little things in the mist before it disappears. Usually, Tyler will slap my hand away and berate me or my parents will groan and complain about how they will never get those drawings off the windows ever again. I try to draw on them as much as I can possibly get away with.

As the mist fades and my enjoyment starts to fizzle out, I find that nothing isn’t really holding my attention anymore; not the scenery, which had grown rather dark in the short amount of time I had been occupied, not my hairbrained parents dancing around in the front, completely oblivious to their daughter’s boredom, not even the mental games that usually occupied my mind while in the car, though those were better played in the day. I sigh in frustration, and like my previous mischief, it goes unnoticed.

I try, and fail, to sleep; the road too smooth for my liking. I try to focus on pointing out Tyler’s flaws while he sleeps, though this only keeps me distracted for a couple minutes. Stupid brothers having to be so perfect. I try to place how I know these lyrics to this song that I swear I had never heard before, though I come to a mental blockade and find myself drifting off to other things. Finally, I just sigh again. And, it goes unnoticed.

So as any frustrated, bored, and ignored six year old would do, I go into full out tantrum mode, screaming and crying and kicking the back of my mother’s chair with the force of a million tidal waves, or more with the force of a toddler restricted by her car seat. The singing and dancing and sleeping all ceased in the car as all attention was focused on me, eyes boring into my now bloodshot ones. The cries stopped the second I was put into the spotlight, a smile commandeering my once distressed features.

“Olivia!” My brother berated, knocking one of his headphones off his ears in order to fully face me and give me a piece of his mind. “You could have really caused a lot of trouble. Dad needs to be able to focus; he doesn’t need your immature ass causing-”

He was immediately cut off by the curt clearing of my mother’s throat, though it still rang through the car like bells. “Tyler James. Do not use that language around your sister.” My attention was draw to her words, the sound distorted slightly, wavy around the edges, almost like it was coming in through bad reception. I didn’t even hear the apology Tyler offered. “Now honey.” She directed that odd voice onto me now and I automatically flinched back, her entire body becoming nothing but static before reverting to normal. I shook it off. “If you’re bored. Why don’t you play with Rosie? She can keep you company.” She gestured to the small dog lying in between my brother and I, head up with all the commotion.

I could only offer her a small nod as she faded in and out once more before resuming her previous activities with my father, Tyler going back to sleeping. No one else seemed to notice the strange occurrences and I decided to just ignore it. My boredom getting the best of me.

I got the small pug excited within the next minute, her jumping from my lap to Tyler’s to in between us to falling to the floor to hopping to my mom and all in between. I was warned only once not to get her too hyper, but I was just having so much fun, I rolled my eyes and continued.

. . . . .

Click-clock. Click-clock. Click-clock.

There was the distant sound of hot air being released, like a buildup of pressure past its melting point, the tone rising in both volume and frequency. There was a small crackling sound, like wood breaking in a fire or the slow snap of a twig. There was this clicking sound, too loud to be resonating from my mother’s watch, but resembling it, and a warm yellow light flashing around us, illuminating behind my closed eyelids.

There was something warm and metallic tasting sliding down my face and I could feel a certain weight resting on the left side of my face, though I couldn’t feel exactly what it was. I try lifting my arms to feel it, to make sure my face was still there, to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating, though they felt like lead, twinges of pain shooting through them with any slight movement.

The last thing I register before succumbing to the darkness beckoning me is the distant echoing of Tyler’s frantic voice screaming for me not to go to sleep. I manage a smile and slip into the abyss. Sleep just seems so nice right now.

————————————————————————————————

I jolted awake, snapping my head into a completely upright position, gaze darting this way and that, earning a concerned look from my brother who had just seconds been yelling at me to not fall asleep; “Don’t you dare fall asleep on me Olivia.”. I could still hear it, echoing through my mind. I shooed it away and rested against the window once again, hand subconsciously coming to trace the outline of my scar.

I had grown rather used to reliving the crash again and again, especially on days such as these; where we drove up these accursed roads, with the same dips and bumps, sending jolts of nostalgia and panic through me with every shift of the car. Passing the same trees that created the barrier that started this whole mess in the beginning. Passing crosses upon crosses of drunk drivers and people who had just never been careful enough, though as we gained altitude and I felt my ears pop for the fourth time since stepping into the car, I knew that we were nearing our destination; a set of crosses similar to those that I berated on the side of the road. One a handmade thing painted white, with a pink lei wrapped around it, the other being plain blue, also handmade, with a small silhouette of little Rosie. After all, Rosie and Hawaii were two of my parents’ favorite things, the least we could do was decorate their graves with them.

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As we pulled up to the grave site, I could already feel my eyes beginning to water, a single tear rolling over the bumps and caves of my scar. Tyler stopped the car just a few feet from where the railing had been shattered; it’s edges sharp, glinting in the sun. The car had long since been removed, but the hole where the trees parted remained, never quite hiding the tragedy that had befallen it, even after 11 years. I could barely get myself to leave the car; at least here I could stay relatively safe from the memories bombarding the wall I had put up.

We sat in silence for only a few minutes before my brother turned to me, placing his shaking hand on my leg. “We need to get out. We need to……”. He just let the sentence fade out. He knew that I knew. He also knew how difficult it was to relive this year in and year out. Especially because we both know that I caused this accident; I caused my mother to die, my father to die. It was unspoken but we both knew. I only nodded, placing my equally shaky hand on the door. It took all I had to push it open and step out into chilly air. As if he had needed my strength, Tyler copied me. The air seemed even colder as we took the few steps to the graves. Our eyes were both downcast, not willing, not able to face the shoddy crosses in front of us.

On cue, he reached out and grabbed my hand tightly, giving us both the courage to look up. We couldn’t help the tears that freely fell, dotting the ground with little puddles of wetness. He was the first to speak. “Mom…Dad…it’s been eleven years. So much time has passed, I can’t believe how much I still feel your absence. Olivia has been……well, she’s been alive.” He spoke as if I weren’t even there. That’s what he always did. “She’s not been making any friends at school. I actually think she’s being bullied, though of course, she won’t talk to me about it.” He cracked a bitter smile, using his free hand to wipe away his tears. “I still miss you guys every day. Life hasn’t been the same without you, but I’ve been raising her as well as I know how. We haven’t burned down the house yet so I’m counting that as a win. Anyway, maybe this year……it’s been rough, but we’re making it through. You know that Olivia’s birthday is in a few days. She doesn’t like celebrating it anymore. But I want……I want more for her. I want her to be happy.”

I couldn’t listen anymore. I forced him to release my hand and turned, not even taking a second glance back. I could still hear the faint hum of my brother speaking, but the words were jumbled, and I couldn’t focus on anything but the rushing behind my ears and the memories flooding through. I got back in the car and lost it, whimpering and shaking as tears poured out of me. This is how it always turned out; he would talk to them as if I were never here, I wouldn’t say a word, then when it got to be too much, I would leave and get back in the car and just crumble.

Tyler’s lips were still moving long after the tears had dried up, as the shakes started to fade, and numbness surrounded me. I couldn’t tell you how long I sat in that car, unmoving, until he finally joined me again. We didn’t speak for a long while as we drove back. It wasn’t until we were pulling into the limits of town that he said something. “You know, you really should say something to them. They are listening.” When I didn’t say anything, he continued. “They’re in a better place-.” I immediately cut him off.

“Really?! A better place? You think they’re in Heaven?! There is no such place. Heaven for them was with their family. And now they’re gone. There’s no one to listen. There’s no one to hear your prayers. There’s no higher power. If there was, they wouldn’t’ve taken them both away.” I just exploded; anger coursed through me. He knew……he knew what not to say to me, and he just said it all. We never talk after this. We never talk about them. “I say nothing for a reason. I don’t need this from you or from anyone else.” I turned my gaze back to the window as the night was interrupted by the lights of Torven, Colorado; home.

He opened his mouth as if to refute my words, but closed it within the next second, knowing he wouldn’t be able to say anything to get through to me. It was a good move on his part. I was beginning to calm down as we pulled up to our childhood home. The porch light was on, but it did nothing to brighten the darkness of the inside.

Moving up the stairs and into my room was like sludging through waist deep mud, but a shower was necessary at this point. I need to wash off the grief and sadness of the day, refresh my face from the tears that had fallen.

My eyes lingered outside to the swing of the trees and the beginning fall of snow. I couldn’t contain the sigh that fell from my lips. It’s going to be a long night.

————————————————————————————————

The next morning was greeted with a fresh layer of snow. The untouched white glaring painfully in the bright sun. I was greeted by the unrelenting brightness, the sun seemingly brighter due to the snow. The white stuff topped the trees in tresses of glittering ice, capping them in silk. A baggy T-shirt and a knitted black sweater, all beneath a thick red hoodie. Donning on a pair of black skinny jeans and Air Walks, I was ready for school. Each piece of material hanging off my slight frame like a bag. Though it hid what was necessary to hide. I glared once at the alarm clock sitting on my nightstand, the green letters reading 7:30 in their slime tint. ‘Late again’ I thought before ducking out of the house, not even bothering to check the degree or to lock the door.

Once inside my rusted old Jeep, a forest green color, I turned the heater on full blast. The nip of the cold had worked its way through my clothes, seeping into the very depths of my bones. The chill had moved through my body within seconds, turning all useless appendages numb and bitter cold, such as my already freezing fingers. I gripped the steering wheel with a bone breaking force, gripping it as tightly as my protesting muscles would allow.

The road was covered in already packed down snow from cars past, making the road icier than the freshly laid stuff. I glared down at it, keeping my attention on the ice ahead, not even giving it a passing thought.

I made good time, due to no traffic, getting to the school right as the first bell rang. The shrill sound breaking through the silence of the morning. I didn’t rush to class for two reasons, one being I had plenty of time, the other being I had no energy. Though I blamed that more on the lack of dinner from the night before rather than an outside force.

As I approached my first class, there was more…chatter than normal. The other girls in class were making a fuss. Again.

I didn’t allow the monotonous hubbub to bother me, ignoring the ‘puppy pile’ beside my desk. The other male students seemed to be in the same position as I was in. I ignored the half-hearted hollers of the other students telling me to move.

When the bell finally did ring, the large crowd, some of which weren’t even people who take the class, dispersed. The silence that had taken over the rather loud talking was ominous to say the least, making it seem like an omen had covered the entirety of the room.

Mr. Weber, one of my favorites and the World History teacher, came in with a bored expression. After piling papers and tests in off-balance stacks, he stood in front of class. He motioned over to where the large crowd had originally been, using the ‘come hither’ motion with a finger. Motion caught my eye as someone I had never seen before walked by.

“Class. This is Derek Henley. A new student here at Torven High. Please be very kind to him.” He droned on, sounding more like he was reciting something he had read a million times. Though I couldn’t imagine why. This was the first new student anyone has seen since fourth grade when Jennifer Lawry came from somewhere in the deep South.

I kept my face to the right, only being propped up by my now aching elbow. I watched as more snow fell, thanking the heavens once again that my seat was closest to the window.

This little tidbit of information, while did nothing for me, got the other students chattering again, earning a curt ‘Shush’ from Mr. Weber.

“Just sit where you were before. That seat is open.” A hushed quiet had spread around the room. Silent whispers were passed between students. Some were saying ‘Too bad for him’ ‘I feel bad for him. Having to sit next to that freak’. Some were even saying ‘I wish she would just transfer schools already. She has nothing left here.’ I pretended that the last comment didn’t bother me, though the flash of pain that passed across my face said differently.

The transfer student quickly complied, not wanting the attention from all the new faces around the room. Though as the teacher turned his back, Derek turned toward me, holding his hand out, a bright smile on his face. “Hello. I am Derek. Well I guess you just heard that, but……What’s your name?”

I stared down at the hand, then let my gaze flick over to the teen. He was average height and weight, with dirty blonde hair that looked rather bedraggled and a carefree smile on a rather symmetrical face. He looked almost too perfect. I hated him the second I saw him; just on principle of course.

After many moments of silence, he dropped his hand, staring down dejectedly at it.

Another girl, one sitting on the other side of him, sneered. Her name was Reese. She and I had known each other since we were 2, and we had even been the best of friends till about the age of 6. Obviously that friendship was terminated. “Don’t even bother with that mute. She doesn’t talk to anyone. Don’t let yourself feel bad about it.” Her voice was filled with so much acid, it was almost as if breathing in straight Bleach. The air around her had become a putrid green from her envy, the ugly emotion coming off her in waves.

He nodded, “Alright” before going back to staring at nothing, like the air had personally offended him rather than the silent girl beside him. However, he made no more advance to talk with me; the mysteriously silent girl dressed in black.

————————————————————————————————

Derek ended up having multiple classes with me, much to my dismay. He tried striking up a conversation at the end of the day, stopping me before I could leave.

“H-Hi. I wanted the chance to speak with you.” He stuttered out, seemingly nervous to speak with me again, but with an air of determination that seemed almost funny considering the kicked puppy look on his face.

I looked up at him for a moment. “What do you want?” I replied coolly, replacing all my books and folders in my backpack.

“I just….wanted to have a conversation with you.”

“Why?”

“Because…..you were all alone today. And you just seemed…..lonely.” He smiled lightly, bringing out the deep dimples on his face.

“I’m fine. Can you leave me alone now?”

He took a deep breath, holding it before exhaling loudly. “Are you sure you’re alright? You seem….different than everyone else.”

“I’m fine.” I snapped, face morphing in anger.

“No need to be prissy. I was just trying to help.” He defended himself, putting his hands up in surrender. But his smile gave away his true feelings on the subject.

“Yeah. Well, I don’t need anyone’s help so just go.” My voice had faded just as quickly as it had changed into anger, now leaving me exhausted and emotionless.

“Yeah. I gathered. I guess I’ll just go then.” He scratched at the back of his head, a thoughtful look on his face. It almost seemed as if he wanted, or even expected, me to ask him to stay. I could barely contain the smile that wanted to pop up with the thought, but managed, at the last second, to control myself.

“Then go.” I snapped once more, motioning to the door.

He sighed. “Fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He left in a less than graceful manner, running into a few desks in his wake. I refused to look up at the scene, but I could feel his eyes on me, watching as he left the room. Once I was sure that he had disappeared, I chanced a glance up, only to connect eyes with Reese. The look on her face displayed disgust and envy, but even more so was what she was saying to her friends.

“Did you see that?” Reese asks her friend Carol, nudging her in the side with her elbow. “Freak just told off the new kid even though he is all sorts of gorgeous and is the biggest thing to happen since Marley went to rehab. The first person to give her attention and she yells at him; no wonder she is always alone.”

I ignored her, throwing the last of my things in my pack and walking almost stubbornly forward, blocking out the teasing and cynical words thrown at me from Reese.

The other girl incessantly followed me, keeping up in my personal space. Though I could see her looking over to her friends every couple of seconds, like she was being filmed or was making sure they were watching her or something.

“Get away from me.”

“It speaks!” She announced, clapping her hands in feign excitement.

I growled lowly under my breath, picking up the pace and leaving a lingering ‘Wait!’ behind. I walked quickly, almost breaking into a jog to get to my Jeep. Having already thrown my pack into the passenger side, I dove into the driving seat. I started the car, the engine stalling and stuttering before becoming a quiet rumble, vibrating through the frame of the beaten-up car.

I sped down the streets to my home at a less than legal speed, breaking most of the safety rules, though it’s not like I cared. I just didn’t want to deal with what happened in the day. It was all getting to be too much. I couldn’t wait to break into my happy pills when I get home.

Once in the driveway, I turned the engine off, simply sitting in the car, letting the silence consume me. A police cruiser was on the street, pulling a sigh from my lips. I shook my head, ridding myself of all thoughts. ‘Looks like I won’t be able to escape without being questioned. Let’s just get this over with’, I thought to myself with a sigh before gathering up my belongings and hopping out of the Jeep.

Mindlessly, I walked into the house, not bothering to wipe off the wetness from my sneakers. However, I tried to move silently in order to get to my room unnoticed. But, of course, good things never happen to me.

“How was school?” Tyler inquired.

“Fine.”

“Really?” My brother raised a bushy brow, in a way mockingly, but also sincerely worried. “You seem…..off.”

“I’m fine. School was fine. Everything is fine. Can I just go to my room now?”

He sighed, crossing his arms. “No, you can’t. You never talk to me anymore.” There was a slight amount of anger in his voice, but only minuscule, hiding behind the obvious hurt.

“Don’t take it personally. I don’t talk to anyone.” I barely lifted my shoulders, the simple motion requiring too much energy.

“Well I do take it personally. I’m not anyone, I am your brother. You should be able to talk to me. I want to know.”

“All I want to do is go to my room.” I brushed off almost everything the other had said, making my way back up the stairs once more.

“I said you can’t go to your room.” He ordered, staring straight after me.

“You’re not my father.” I bit out, though I immediately regretted it. I continued up the stairs, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall.

With this the room fell silent. I moved farther up, turning the corner to the hall before he said anything further.

“No, I’m not.” The statement was barely audible, his voice betraying the hurt he felt from the one simple sentence.

The last thing that was passed between us was the slamming of the door; the vibrations coursing through the house, rattling the pictures on the walls.

I trudged across the floor, tripping several times over nothing. ‘What the hell is wrong with you?!’ I thought to myself repeatedly.

My body fell face first into the bed, all limbs numb. The tears that had been threatening to fall finally did, soaking into the fluffy pillow beneath me.

‘All you do is hurt the people around you. The people who love you. You know it’s your own damn fault that all this even happened.’ I thought to myself, causing more tears to course down my face. ‘No one even needs you. You’re useless. They don’t even want you around.’

‘Why don’t you just disappear? Everyone would be happier without you. The world would even be a better place’. As these thoughts wrenched their way through my mind, I sat up robotically, barely registering the motion. My body fell into my desk chair, lying limply against the cheap plastic.

It took me several moments to really understand where I was, too engulfed with my thoughts. However, when I did, my hands fumbled through my drawers, clasping around a small metal box. It used to be mints, but they were long gone, replaced by something much better. The objects inside rattled in the case, resonating through the room like wind chimes.

Upon opening the container my lips pulled into a sad smile, my PRN anxiety medication staring back at me. ‘I don’t want to feel like this anymore’ I thought to myself. I know I should talk to Tyler. I know I should apologize, but as I swallow the pill with a big drink of water, I can’t seem to gather the motivation to do it.

“Tomorrow”, I promise myself as I pull out my homework for the night. And if I fall asleep with an apology on my lips and tears on my cheeks, then no one needs to know.