Chapter 1
- I love you! I love you!
With her eyes closed, she repeated over and over: “I love you!” She didn’t know the actual meaning of these words, but she wanted to say it out loud. How many times in her life she wanted to say these magic words. As a child, she thought of them as some kind of spell that would save her from a fussy gray life and lift her to heaven, into a completely different, magical, wonderful life. She sincerely wanted to love. She had never dreamed of a prince on a white horse. She always knew, or rather guessed, that there are no real miracles. Not with her, anyway. But still, deep down, she hoped that love would eventually find everyone. That everyone deserves to find their soul mate.
Nothing bad has ever happened to Eva. She had a wonderful family, many friends and a good job. She has always been loved by everyone for her angelic character. She never was rude, did not shout, did not quarrel with anyone, she kept all her worries to herself. She saw only the good in people, treated everyone well and did not forgive only betrayal and rudeness.
As a child, Eva never faced a lie. She saw the world in pink color and thought that peace and love would always reign in her life, because she herself was incapable of deceit and cunning.
Time passed, and all the friends around her dated and split up. She had never encountered a relationship between a man and a woman where understanding and respect reigned, without any doubt or jealousy. Somehow none of her many acquaintances got married. On the contrary, all relationships sooner or later collapsed. Someone did not happen to enter into a romantic relationship at all. All this made her sad, and faith in miracles and love was disappearing more and more into thin air every day.
From time to time, when it became unbearable, when people around hurt her, and her heart was bleeding, and there was no person nearby to hug, comfort and kiss, she wanted to scream. Yell her lungs out that life turn out to be unpleasant and cruel. That there is nothing to wait for in life if there is no love. That love is the only thing that can keep a person on earth.
The only thing that stopped her was that thought that she was crazy. It seemed to her that she was the only person on earth who expected magic and kindness from life. All people have long accepted the rules of life and adjusted to them. And only she could not understand how it is possible to live the way people live today. She couldn’t find her place under the sun.
Sometimes she prayed that the Lord God would send her at least one example of a happy person, not burdened with greed and pride, loving and beloved, ready to sacrifice himself for the sake of a loved one. Then she could believe again. To remember her childhood again, when she was sure that happiness was possible. It seemed strange that she was ready to completely immerse herself in feelings, emotions, while other people tried to hide them.
***
She opened her eyes the moment the elevator doors opened. She realized that she had passed her floor. The man who entered looked at her strangely. Eva didn’t understand why the old man was so interested in her, but in the end, she got used to the appraising look that people give each other. It was typical of a big city. It was only after a couple of floors that she realized that tears were flowing down her cheeks. There were traces of smudged mascara on her cheeks. Apparently, this is what attracted the man’s attention. She missed her floor, but now she realized that she absolutely did not want to be home alone now and start feeling sorry for herself and her lost love. She needed a distraction.
She went down to the first floor, stepped out of the building and turned right towards the park. Fresh air will do her good. It was getting colder outside, and Eve wished she’d gone home to get a raincoat. It had been raining all day, and now all the paths were wet, and there was a delicious smell of moist earth in the air.
The spring air ruffled her hair, and she felt better. The tears dried up, and her head brightened.
-What am I doing? - She said out loud.
There wasn’t a soul on the street. It was amazing, because usually you can meet people in the park even in the dead of night, and now it was about eleven in the evening.
Five minutes later, she got scared. It wasn’t a very good idea to come here alone at night, in this condition. She turned back home. Indistinct shadows from the trees and statues of the park ran past. Replaying in her head what happened to her today over and over again; she realized that she was tired. She wasn’t physically tired - she was tired of fighting. Fighting with herself. How many times had she tried to train herself not to think about people, not to hope for them, not to expect kindness and understanding from them? But she couldn’t live like that. How others live - not thinking about anyone, counting only on themselves and not thinking about the feelings of loved ones. She was offended. She was misunderstood.
Few people understood her, and this strengthened her in the idea that she was unwell. It seemed more and more logical to her. After all, it can’t be that she was right and the whole world was wrong. Rather the opposite.
In difficult moments, she understood that once she got enough sleep, went on vacation, met with friends, she would heal her wounded soul and forget about everything. Usually it always helped her. But today it was especially hard for her.
