when we met
We were the only two people on the bus together. It was empty but we remained together, separate but wondering what could be. He had a metal band t-shirt on. His hair was brown and curly. I apologized to the bus driver for not understanding when the bus would come pick me up.
As I sat down, he looked over to me and started to comfort my embarrassment by saying, “Yeah, they wouldn’t call me either. I had to call transportation every day for them to get everything set up.”
“Yeah, but Alvin was quick to set up everything.” I added.
He looked cute, but I had a boyfriend. An ugly one too.Why am I with him, again? Oh yeah, companionship. That’s it.
I tried to ignore my feelings as the conversation went on, but soon they grew to where I was grinning and laughing at every joke he made.
The next day, I kept my mouth closed. If I wanted anything, I had to have nothing. I don’t deserve happiness. That feeling made me feel like a kid. A lack of control in my facial expressions and my laugh. Ihad to relearn all these emotions like happiness, embarrassment… love.
I wanted to talk, don’t get me wrong. But I can’t. The words won’t come. I just wanted him, but I have someone else, and I can’t break up with them just because I found someone new. But do I even like the guy I’m with? I don’t want to think.
I wish I never met him.
im acting like a tough guy
because i don’t know how to feel my emotions.
and i wish i could.
but i’m so scared of thinking he’ll leave
that i just cannot get out of my head
that i need someone who i don’t want.
because at least he’ll never leave.
and if he does,
it won’t feel as bad compared to
if loved him.
this new guy, he makes me think.
he makes me wonder if there’s something more than
this “love” i have with another.
and that terrifies me.
because that makes it so where I must leave the one person
who i know won’t abandon me.
but he did.
