Mood Ring

Song: A Little Bit Yours - JP Saxe

It sank like a rock in her stomach.

I don’t love you anymore. You need to go and get out.

She packed a bag, ask her son, Marvin, to pack his favorite things he couldn’t live without. He peeked out over his glasses with a look of sadness. He knew it was time to go… again. Petra sighed and threw the reusable garbage bags of things into the back of her mom car. It was another boyfriend who rejected her. She didn’t blame him; she was hard to love. Living with bipolar disorder took a toll on her and Marvin.

The words rang in her heads and sat heavy on her heart; the little apartment was soon in the rear view. She packed blankets and pillows, just in case her parents told her she couldn’t stay with them while she figured things out. She didn’t have a game plan this time.

Jasper was your typical handsome country boy. Tall, dark, handsome with baby blue eyes you could get lost in. Petra hit her manic high, but crashed into a fit of depression so severe, Jasper got sick of her and told her to leave.

She clenched her jaw so hard she was worried her teeth would crack, taking every part of herself to not cry in front of Marvin. She switched him from school earlier in the school year so she could move in with Jasper, the man of her dreams, or so she thought. What she didn’t know was that she was being silently tormented and isolated from her friends and family. A mentally abusive relationship was just as bad as a physically abusive one, it wasn’t her first rodeo.

For some reason, it hit her harder this time. She didn’t know why. Maybe it was the idea that this impeccable human loved her, regardless of her being hung over when they first met, chasing Marvin around her friend’s house. His blue eye bore into hers, within two months they were head over heels for each other, then he told her he loved her. They were rearranging her apartment as she was coming out of one of her depressive lows and her depression nest took over, they were making the bed when he let it slip.

Petra felt the tears fall. Her heart felt heavy. How was she going to bounce back from this? She always felt like this though with break ups, but she knew she would move on and that would be that. But it felt different.

“Mummy, I’m hungry.” Marvin piped up from the back seat.

“Don’t worry sweetie, we are almost to ma and pops house.” Her voice cracked.

She pulled into the muddy driveway hoping that they were home. The house she grew up in peeked out over the hill above the white fence. Horses running next to her car. The white house with black shutters and a red door was her quiet get away. She was young, and dumb, but she always found solace at home. It would always be home to her.

Petra parked her car between the blue Jeep and the grey Cherokee. Both vehicles splattered with mud, no doubt from the muddy driveway now that the snow had melted, and spring was upon them. Marvin unbuckled himself and opened the door to her car, accidentally hitting and dinging the grey Cherokee.

“Marvin! You got to be careful, buddy.” She realized her words came out harsher than she thought they would.

Marvin looked down moving the mud with his toe. Petra got out of the car and walked over to the seven-year-old and knelt in the mud.

“I’m so sorry, Marvin. You didn’t deserve that.” She grabbed the little boys’ hands.

“It’s okay Mummy. I know you’re sad.” Marvin whispered, rubbing her cheek.

She felt the weight in his words. She felt tears well up in her eyes. But she didn’t let them fall. She let go of one of his hands and led him inside to his parents’ house.

“Ma! Pops! Are you home?” Petra said as she opened the door.

The second she opened the door the smell of brownies and essential oils filled her nose. Home. She was home. Her mom popped out from behind the kitchen island and walked into the entry way.

“Petra! My word it’s been months since we have seen you.” Her mom moved her greying hair from her face as she walked towards Petra. Petra let go of her son’s hand and wrapped her arms around her mother and the tears began to fall. She felt the sobs in her chest.

“Shh, there, there.” Her mother pets her head holding her tight. He hair smelt of coconut and citrus. No doubt home made with her essential oils. “What happened?”

“Jasper kicked us out.” Petra parted from her mother’s embrace.

Marvin hugged Ma and almost knocked his glasses off his face if it wasn’t for the elastic eyeglasses sport strap that secured his glasses around his head. Ma let go of Petra’s hands and hugged Marvin tight.

“Well, he is a fool for letting you two go.” Ma said kissing Marvin’s forehead.

Ma knew the struggles that Petra had with her bipolar disorder. Ever since her first period, her moods have been erratic. Trials of mood stabilizers, antidepressants, and anti-anxiety meds plagued her adolescence. Petra had her first suicide attempt at age 14 when she cut her wrists during a manic-depressive wave. Her first mandatory individual and group therapy started then. It had been hard on Petra to keep herself together and be consistent with work and relationships.

Ma brought Marvin into the kitchen to help her cut the brownies that she just took out of the oven, while Petra grabbed what little belongings, they took with them from the car. She brought the bags into her old room on the second floor. The once baby pink walls were now a burnt orange. Her full-sized bed replaced with a trundle day bed that creaked. Her mother used her room as a place for furniture storage when she graduated high school and traveled around the States.

Petra looked at the clock. 5:00pm. It was almost Marvin’s bedtime. She would have to drive 45 minutes from her parents to his school in the mornings now. Until she got things figured out with a new apartment and have a new school chosen for him. She would have to uproot him again from a school where he has made friends and put the shyness aside. Petra felt her heart drop again. Guilt. She felt guilty. She made bad decisions and now her son was in the war path of her moods again.

Petra unpacked pajamas for him and placed them on the pulled-out trundle that was already neatly made with white sheets. She placed his favorite soft blanket on his bed and his stuffed puppy. She whispered to him to begin getting dressed.

She stepped out of the bedroom and let him get changed into his superhero pajamas. She padded to the bathroom and began taking off what was left of her make up and took out her contacts, replacing them with her thick glasses. She was legally blind without her glasses as well, leaving little to the imagination as to who gave the trait to her son. She brushed her teeth and her son popped into the bathroom to brush his teeth as well. She gave him the superhero toothbrush and put his fruity tooth paste on it. He brushed his teeth and looked up at his mom.

“Tomorrow is a new day, Marvin. It will be a better day.” Petra said.

“If you say so, mummy. I have P.E. tomorrow. Hopefully, my glasses stay on my face.” He was getting bullied and picked on for his thick glasses. He has gone through two pairs of glasses this school year alone.

“Honey,” Petra crouched down to look he son in the eyes. “You are a smart boy, you are gifted. Do not let bullies define who you are and what you are.”

Marvin’s eyes welled up and he held back the tears, biting his lip. It was his nervous habit he learned from his mother. He gave her a hug and turned to go back to the bedroom. Petra smiled at her reflection and used a claw clip to put her hair up.

“Tomorrow is a new day.” She told herself. “It will be a better day.”

She didn’t believe the words either.