The lack of love
it starts with the wanting to have more then you have. then you begin to have thoughts upon you’re not going anywhere. you’re not escaping these thoughts and you know only one way to possibly stop them, you’ve tried distracting yourself with games, with friends, which you’ve lost the motivation to keep the friends, the games are getting boring, so you try watching shows, and some more shows, until you cannot find anything good anymore because you’ve watched so many, so you move to anime, romance anime in fact, you sit there staying up all night watching love happening upon 2 characters, you soon realize you’re a hopeless romantic, you’ve tried many relationships but you either get bored or they do things to you, and things end, you wish you could be a character from a movie or a show, you hate reality. you’ve watched many many animes and shows and movies.. you began to get bored of that as well.. so you try friends again, but you’ve come to realize, you haven’t hung out with anyone in months, almost a whole year, you’ve gained anxiety, add that to the list of things to make you undistracted from those thoughts, they’re still there, not leaving the back of your mind, telling you awful things, overthinking, fuck you forgot you still need to do your schooling, fuck you haven’t logged on in months, you’re online of course, your lack of motivation to log on begins even louder ringing in the back of your head, your moms bugging you, the schooling’s calling you, court visits are threatened upon you. you’re scared but you don’t know what to do, all you think of is … well death, you hate yourself, you want to escape, you’re only known escape is dying, but you’re scared to do it, what comes after death? what happens to you? no one knows until they reach it. there’s no say in what is in the afterlife or if that’s even a thing, so you sit in the dark crying, and crying, crying some more. just to make sure you can still feel emotions. you feel numb, it’s getting harder for you to breathe, every breathe counts though, even though you still wished you stopped breathing, but your body is forcing you to breathe making you cry harder, you’re finally done crying so then you begin to pass out. this is a daily cycle now, no not a one time thing. what do you think this is? you’re gonna suffer every day of your life, the same cycle, from when you awaken to when you lay down and rest your eyes. hoping and wishing one day, the cycle breaks.
