Endego

My head explodes with colors as I wake viciously. As viscous as the lightning occurring all around the vicinity. I had the strangest dreams again. Wiping the sleep from my eyes, I pout, as the strobe lights outside hit my bed-room walls. I’m terrified of storms, the feeling of not being in control rattles my bones. Another strike sends goosebumps from head to toe. I click my beside lamp to no-avail... the power is out. Thunder booms overhead. Light leaks in once more, briefly showing me my reflection in the vertical mirror propped up against my wall, startling me as if it were some demon trying to clutch at me in the dark.

Damnit... my mouth runs dry from the adrenaline. I have panic attacks often, and the loud noises and lights that accompany thunderstorms do not help one bit. My online therapist says I’ve most likely had a panic disorder since my mother passed away as child, and it’s just gotten worse as I’ve gotten older with different triggers. I have pretty severe agoraphobia, and I haven’t been able to leave our farm without a panic attack in years. It’s not so bad to me personally not being able to leave much. Sometimes I have urges to be “normal” and go do things. Almost everything we need is here on our farm, but I feel guilty because my little brother Atlas wants to live his life. His soul hasn’t been tormented like mine, and he has every right to enjoy it and be happy. I don’t want him to resent and hate me, but I just can’t be around people too long.

It drains me, and I feel like I’m drowning. Like I’m surrounding by vampires slowly sucking me dry until I can break free and get away. I’m responsible for him though while our father is away for work. As a Chief Warrant Officer in the Army, he’s always gone on missions. We usually only see him for our birthdays or holidays, sometimes not even then. Our grandfather is suppose to take care of us technically, but he’s never here either. He’s a drunk, and can’t ever keep a hold of his retirement money. I’ve only seen him sober a handful of times in my life. He only comes by to ask for the money dad sends to us for bills to go out gambling at bars, and last time I told him to go “Eff himself.” I haven’t seen him since. He’s never been too fond of me, barely looks at me; when he does, it’s with disgust. He only responds or speaks to me when it absolutely has to...he adores Atlas though, mostly because Atlas adores him, and he isn’t old enough to realize what a piece of shit he is yet. I really try not to judge whenever possible though, because God knows that I am nowhere near perfect.

I know it’s silly, but I have to wear my hooded yellow rain-coat and sunglasses whenever I go into town, (even if it’s 100 degrees like it sometimes is in the Summer.) I feel like it protects me from negative entities they may be inhibiting peoples’ bodies, especially protection for my eyes.(The window to the soul) as my mother would say. The few times I was around children when I was younger I was bullied and made fun of for my “weird; alien” purple eyes. Although, there was a famous movie star with them in the 1950′s “Ms. Ruby.” (My favorite movie star that I’m obsessed with by the way, she was in sci-fi movies mostly, and there’s one called “A Night with the Cows” where she lives on a farm and is abducted by aliens, I always daydream about that happening. It would be so cool;) My purple eyes are a bit more prominent. Although I’m a grown adult at the age of 20 now, a lot of the times I don’t feel like it in terms of my interest. Even though I had to grow up mentally very quickly, I like to be silly with myself and my friends online. We face-time, or speak through video games when Atlas is at school and I’m not working. The internet has really helped people with my mental disorder not feel so alone all the time. I’m grateful for that, as I’ve felt alone most of my life in a way. I love my brother and my dad, but I can’t really relate to Atlas as we are 12 years apart. Dad does understand quite a bit, he enjoys sci-fi and esoteric things like I do, but he’s never home to speak with.

Another boom of thunder so loud it makes my lamp crash off the beside table! (Or, maybe it was from me sprinting to my brothers room down the hall in a panic.) As I run by I see the moon peaking through the clouds and sending it’s light down inside the ceiling windows my father installed for us to look at the stars. It’s eerie tonight, and the howling winds aren’t helping a bit either. The winds are getting louder as I get closer to my brothers bed-room door. Knocking lightly and whispering his name...only the wind replies. I can feel it sail past my shins under the crack of his bed-room door. I wiggle the knob, but it isn’t budging.

“Atlas?” I say concerned. He tends to have a habit of locking his door and having “me time.” A phrase that he got from me, and does it just to spite me a lot. This time I bang on the door. “Atlas!” I say, raising my voice.

No rustles of movement, or groans that I can hear...surely he didn’t go out in this storm? He’s more afraid of storms than I am! I turn and start pacing down the stairs, past all of the family photos and various degrees and accolades of my fathers. The thunder is getting more intense, and I feel like I’m in a thriller with Ms.Ruby right about now. I speed-walk around the hall to the kitchen. Tripping over what I assume is my brothers’ toys...I’ll pay him back for that when I find him. I feel my way to the the drawer adjacent to the fridge. The “code red” drawer as my father calls it, in case of emergencies. Scrambling through first-aid kits and medicines I finally grab flashlight and some extra batteries. The beam comes to life after two clicks. I shriek and drop it immediately, and the light shines across my pink vans.

I bend down to grab the light, cursing to myself for once again being scared of the booms overhead. Another flash radiates the living room over the kitchen bar. I close my eyes and pout. “ATLAS!” I yell again; no answer.

Unlocking both locks on the front door while I put my arms through the sleeves of my yellow rain-coat, my sunglasses are zipped in the right pocket of it, even though it’s way to dark to wear them at the moment it makes me feel better knowing that I have them with me just in case. I set the flash-light down briefly to throw my hood on, put the extra batteries in the left pocket, zip up my coat; and button ...sighing deeply. I should have dried my wet curly hair more thoroughly after getting out of the shower before I slept. I’m definitely going to get pneumonia. I open the front door and gulp. It’s dark...the moon has abandoned me behind the rolling clouds again. It sounds like a thousand horses galloping around our nice cabin mansion. I want to run back to my bed and cry, but I could never forgive myself if I let something happen to Atlas.

Taking a deep breath I whisper to myself, “I’m so excited.” My therapist told me this technique recently to tell to myself everytime I get nervous, so that maybe over time along with with my subconscious hypnosis this will switch my fear triggers into excitement and joy so that I may panic less often. Repeating it over and over as the lighting takes my photo with the flash on. I open the screen door, and it instantly slams out of my hand hitting the house. I pout and slam it back. The wind slapping the hoody off of my head. “ATLAAAASSSSSS?!” I cry out in panic. Cursing as I skip down the steps, I am not so excited anymore. Tip-toe running along the side of the house where Atlas’ window is. Throwing my hoody on as a shield from the rain and pivoting my light to it, His window is wide-open as I suspected. Whipping and swaying back and forth are several bed sheets tied together. Little shit! He must have used it to get to the tree neighboring his window. I take another much needed breath. “ATTTLAAAAASSSSSSS!” I scream with my hands cupped around my mouth towards the woods.

I can hear the water filled desperation in my own voice. Goosebumps going down my spine as the wind picks up again, the trees dancing from side to side. I speed walk to the tree beside my brothers window and shine the light down...his little footsteps! Though they were few and far between, he must have ran. WHY WOULD HE DO THIS TO ME? HE IS SO SELFISH, I’M GONNA KILL THE BRAT! I continued to curse his existence as I quickly follow his footsteps the best I can. The rain chasing me with every-step. I’m really scared and cold. Trying to repeat “I’m so excited” to myself, but my dark thoughts are taking over rather quickly now. My teeth start to chatter and I can hear Betsy and Clyde mooing to each other in the distance. My right hand going slightly numb from tightly grabbing the flash-light out of panic, guarding it from the fierce winds. Screaming for Atlas all along the way. Lightning strikes, this time ripping the sky in half. (I’m cursing more often now while tracing Atlas’s footsteps.) The wind is hurting my eyes, and I can’t differentiate the rain from the tears anymore. The grass is starting to get way taller, and rain is lighter now, but “Zeus is still throwing daggers”

as my father says.

I sprint a little farther down the hill, tripping over a rock and landing in a field of daisies, I realize where I am. Standing up and wincing, exiting the grassy knoll on my now hurt ankle, lightning reflects off the lake water and I see Atlas’s little silhouette between the strobe dances at the edge of the dock. “ATLAS!” I yell for the billionth time tonight. Finally making it to the edge grabbing his shoulders and making him face me. “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I’VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR YOU! YOU’RE OUT HERE IN PAJAMAS SOAKING WET WITH NO JACKET! WE’RE BOTH GOING TO BE SICK AS DOGS.” I take a breath in tears. He looks down, pouting. I’m trying not to beam the light in his eyes.

He sighs and says “I’m sorry...I just wanted to see daddy.” I can never be mad at him when he’s like this. Damn him!

“They told me I could see him if you came too.” Lightning strikes and water pours in gallons again I’m not sure I’m hearing him correctly. “WHAT? THEY? ATLAS, WE HAVE TO-” I’m knocked in the head with a baseball, making me skip a breath. They hit me again on my hands, thighs, everywhere. Hail! I wrapped the brat around me, immediately he lashes out kicking. “DADDY I WANT TO SEE DADDY! I WANT TO SEE HIM NOW!” Lightning streaks across the sky as I “run” as fast as I can with my hurt ankle uphill back towards our farm. “Hold the flashlight tight Atlas!” The rain stops again, and the beams from the flashlight bounce in all directions as he screams for our father in sync with the tornado sirens. We’re almost home and we can go in the cellar, I see the bed sheets flailing in the wind in the distance. My heart stops as I hear a train...there are no trains nearby.

“ATLAS GET THE FLASHLIGHT OUT OF MY EYES!” I yell crying. “VIOLET I DON’T HAVE A FLASHLIGHT IN YOUR EYES! IT’S THEM!”

He pulls my face up to the blinding blue light. I scream squeezing him close to me as we float up to the metallic filled sky. Just before I pass out I see the twister pull the house off the ground.