A Work in Progress

Dawn of a New Me

I never dreamed that I’d be looking down the barrel of 40 years old and still be a virgin. You may be asking yourself how in the world does something like that happen. Was I kept in a dungeon most of my life? Did I live in a nunnery? Was I brought up in such a strict household that I wasn’t allowed to be around boys? That would be a no for all of those. I’ve had boyfriends and dates but never pulled the trigger. Somehow, I’ve managed to meet every shitty guy out there. None of which I’d wanted to give my flower to. Though it’s more like a wilting bud rather than a flower.

The flames that came off my birthday cake illuminated the singing faces of my best friends Olivia, Ember and Nomi. I am the first in our group to be only one year away from forty. As their off-key singing ended, I knew exactly what my wish would be. Blowing with all my might, I snuffed out each candle only for them to relight. The bitches that were my friends laughed like lunatics.

“Gotcha!” They yelled together.

They thought they were so funny. I pasted on a fake smile, but inside I was stabbing them with the cake knife.

“Uh Oh…Teagan has her fake smile on again,” Nomi said, pulling the knife toward them.

“Chill out, Teag,” Ember said next to me.

“You guys just think you’re so funny. Well, you three aren’t much further away from becoming crazy cat ladies than I am,” I huffed.

Olivia rolled her eyes. “Oh puhlease. Here comes Tegan’s pity party.”

I narrowed my gaze at my supposed best friend then straightened. It was time I told them my plan for the final year of my thirties. “I’ve decided something.”

“Here we go. What are your plans now?” Ember asked, cutting the cake and handing out slices.

“This year will be the year of Teagan. I will leave my thirties accomplishing the things I have been putting off. I will finally finish my novel. I will get in shape. I will adopt an animal that is not a cat.” I stood with my shoulders back in an overly dramatic pose.

“And lose your virginity?” Olivia mumbled past the cake she’d shoveled in her mouth.

“I guess that can go on the list.” I shriveled a bit with that.

“That is a must for that list. I refuse to let my best friend die a virgin,” Nomi declared.

“I think you’re being a bit dramatic there, Nomi. I’m not ancient and I’m not dying.”

“You never know. You could walk outside to work and bang!” She pounded the table. “You’re pushed into traffic by a bicyclist but manage to dodge an oncoming bus only to trip over your feet and knock yourself unconscious on a curb rolling into a puddle and drown while people watch.”

“What the hell, Nomi?” I exclaimed.

“Seems feasible for you,” Ember said with Olivia nodding.

I needed to find new friends.

“Anyway, this year will be a new Teagan. I refuse to let the next year pass as every other year has passed.”

Ember, Olivia and Nomi stared at me. Ember lifted her glass of wine and said, “We are with you, Teag. We pledge to make sure you don’t become a virgin crazy cat lady without a published book.”

“I second that!” Olivia said, raising her glass.

“I third that!” Nomi raised her glass.

I rolled my eyes but smiled at the best friends a girl could have. Well, really, I could probably find better, but they’ve been around a while, and it’s a lot of work meeting new people when you hate people. So, I raised my glass with theirs.

“Here’s to taking thirty-nine by storm,” I said, clinking my glass with theirs.

Teagan’s Get Laid Bucket List

Lose virginity/have mind blowing sex

Ride in a hot air balloon

Ride a mechanical bull

Go on a yacht

Go to a casino

Get a pet (not a fish, lizard or bird. Must be furry and cuddly)

Sing karaoke

Hike to a beautiful waterfall

Make-out under the stars

Do something selfless

Do an escape room

Teach a class

Run a marathon mile

Have cake for breakfast

Get lost on purpose

Have sex! Have sex! Have sex! (added on an unknown date by Ember, Olivia and Nomi)