Guilt

This time of week creeps around so fast it almost gives me whiplash. Thursday morning at 9.30am without fail I turn up at the wide grey doors greeted by a sickening smile. Yes I turned up without fail but it certainly did not mean I wanted to be here, I would do everything in my power not to have been at first but I guess you could say it's become a habit a bit like brushing your teeth just more painful. I looked around the small hall and took my usual seat. I tried my best to avoid any eye contact I wasn't here to make small talk if I was truthful i hated talking to anyone anymore. I had been coming here for exactly twenty seven weeks I think in the moment it helps but then I go home to my lonely empty house and remember exactly why I was here again. I'm not sure anything will ever make this pain go away apart from death itself.

"Welcome back everybody it's great to have all those familiar faces and of cause a new one today." Judith the committee leader spoke as the man woefully sat on the seat beside me. If I had to guess I would say he was in his mid twenties. He looked just how I did all those twenty seven weeks ago and it was easy to see he was feeling how I did to, nervous scared hated that everyone was judging him just by a simple look of pity. He wanted to run, he has gotten further than I did in fact I did run in the first session my behind never even touched that seat.

All eyes were on him as he sat with his face to the ground his toes tapping up and down up and down.

"Would you like to tell us a bit about yourself it's ok if not if you just want to listen in this session that's fine to." Judith was so softly spoken It was like she had some magical power to make you feel at ease.

"I'm Finn." He spoke with an Irish accent before pausing.

"Well Hi Finn, I'm Judith it's wonderful to have you here with us today. Do you want to share why you are here?"

"I ......I began drinking a few months back it started off with a few beers every night and then the more alone I felt the more I drank. I would drink myself to sleep sometimes just to numb the pain." My heart felt for him as he wiped the tears from his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket. He was in pain and I knew exactly how that felt.

"And have you chose to come here out of your own will or has so someone helped you to make this step."

"Me Ma has made me promise to get help. I know I can't keep doing this to myself and I know if I do I will die."

"That's good Finn that you want to get help and you are in the right place for that.Eve would you like to share with Finn you're story?" Judith looked directly to me as I began to panic. This was new, never have I had to explain my story other than the time I first sat down on this chair. My hands grew clammy as I wiped them on my jeans, it was stupid but my mouth dried up as I began to feel dizzy.

"Eve it's ok if you feel like you don't want to?" The man turned to me and wryly smiled. I could feel everyone in the circle looking at me the way they always did with pity. I didn't want there pity and most of all I didn't deserve it!

"It's ok I will share my story." The Irish man nodded at me as if he knew he had saved me from the heartache and pain I was feeling. I smiled with gratitude as he began.

"My wife Kiera was such a kindred spirit, she was full of love and honesty. She would never of hurt anyone not a single soul. One day we were getting ready to go out when she said her head was hurting. She told me to go ahead she would meet me there she just wanted to have a lie down and sleep it off for a wee while." His whole leg began shaking as he closed his eyes as if he were going back in time reliving that day.

"Selfishly I went on without her but then a few hours past and she wasn't returning my calls so that's when I went home and their she was still lying in the in exactly the same spot I left her in." His was now fighting back the tears from his big brown eyes as he swallowed the lump back in his throat. A part of me wanted to reach out to him but for some selfish reason I couldn't.

"She was dead, my wife of just twenty six years of age had died. We found out she had a brain aneurysm and that's how she was cruelly taken from me. I tell myself every single waking second if only I hadn't left her then maybe she would still be here. Maybe I could have saved her." He cleared his throat holding his head in his hands. " I'm sorry I'm just not used to talking about it I guess I have shut so many people out that they don't want to know me anymore. I have become this disgusting human that I know my wife would be ashamed off." Everyone was staring at him including me. People come here with so many different reasons for drinking most of them tell there stories then they are never to be seen again. I always wonder what happens to them do they continue to drink themselves into oblivion or do any of them actually stay sober.

"Thank you Finn for sharing your story with us. Let's take five grab a coffee and then we can regroup." Judith smiled softly as she gathered her thoughts.

I looked to Finn he was a broken man but losing a loved one will certainly do that to you.

"Do you want a coffee?"

"Yes please milk no sugar." He smiled with appreciation taking a deep breath to regain his composure.

"Here you go it's not the best but it's wet I guess." I handed him the drink as he nodded. "You did good just then."

"It doesn't matter how many times you tell your story it doesn't get any easier. So what's yours?" Nervously I sat back next to him my mouth twitching.

"I've been coming here for twenty seven weeks now and probably out of all these people only three have heard my story. So many people come and go but if I'm honest this is all I have now."

"And have you stopped drinking?"

"I'd like to say yes but no." I sipped on my coffee to hide the shame in my voice.

"But you are still coming every week that must count for something."

"I guess. I don't drink as much but when I'm alone at night that's when the demons come out to play. When you are alone you overthink to much like you I wonder if I hadn't done what I did then would things be any different."

"It doesn't matter how many times we try and think of different scenarios for our stories they are always going to be hit with reality."

"That is true but it won't stop me hating myself for what happened to them both." There was that gripping feeling in the pit of my stomach the one that emerged every time I spoke of my guilt.

"They say it helps to talk."

"Who actually says that though, who physically knows it's good for us to share our deep dark secrets and then when we do whoosh all our problems go away!" My voice was urgent and direct as he continued to sip on his coffee.

"Well you are right about one thing."

"What's that?"

"This coffee is utter s****." I couldn't help but smile at him as he spoke in his strong Irish accent. "Listen Eve isn't it?"

I nodded for him to continue. "I don't want to push you into telling me why you are here but I just want you to know I will be here to listen when you are ready ok."

I half heartedly smiled as everyone took their seats for round two. Only another thirty five minutes and I can go home and sit and remember why I was here ironically with a bottle of wine in my hand. I didn't drink for fun I drunk to block out my guilt and to feel numb after all feeling numb was better than feeling something.