Saved

“I don’t know what else to do. I’ve told him how I feel. I’ve told him what I want. I’ve done everything you told me to do. Still nothing.” I blubber through the tears that are running down my face.

I’m sitting in Rochelle’s office on the comfy chaise lounge. I suppose it’s a couch, but I refuse to look at it that way. Rochelle has been my therapist for about a year now. She’s really helped me get through some dark times. With my very low self-esteem and confidence issues it’s been hard for me to see what was happening in my marriage. Now that I’m feeling better about myself, I clearly see there are some major problems with Christopher and me.

“You have to give it time. He’s not going to change overnight. You can’t expect Chris to change just because you’re feeling better about yourself. There have been issues for some time. The first step is going to be to figure out each of those problems and address them individually.” She tells me in a stern voice. Her hazel eyes narrow as she tucks a lose strand of her long brown hair behind her ear. “Beth, if you really want to fix your marriage, you must give him time to process things as well. Look, it took you a year to get where you are today, right?”

She makes total sense, but I don’t like that answer.

“What am I supposed to do with all this pent-up sexual energy that keeps me on edge? I feel angry all the time and I take it out on him.” I feel heat and tension welling up in my core and he isn’t even here.

Rochelle hands me the box of tissue. “Aren’t you still reading all your sexy romance novels? Don’t those give you any release?”

“Yes, but most of the time it makes it worse. Especially with the BDSM ones. That’s something I seriously want to try. It intrigues me. I usually end up reading after Chris goes to bed then masturbating just thinking of what it would be like to be submissive.” I can’t look at her.

“Have you mentioned it to Chris? He deserves to know what you need and how you feel about it.” Rochelle puts her pen down on her notepad and cocks her head.

“Yes, I’ve told him. He just says that he doesn’t see that happening.” A heavy weight lands on my chest.

“That’s a different kind of lifestyle, and it’s not for everyone. Have you ever known a Dominant?” She seems to know a little bit about the lifestyle.

“To be totally up front with you, and myself, yes. That’s how I know that it’s something I feel I want. We have a really good friend, Frank. Years ago, we played around and had a threesome. I have recently reconnected with him, and he is a Dom. It didn’t take long for us to start messaging and for him to introduce me to his world. It was very easy for me to become totally submissive to him. It’s only been virtually at this point, but I want it to be real.” Anxiety builds in my chest as I wait for her judgement to start.

“Does Chris know you are messaging him?”

“Yes, that’s what is so fucked up about it. I told him about it, and he said nothing. He knows I’m sending pictures and videos to Frank. It’s almost as if he’s ok with it, so he doesn’t have to do it himself. He was actually going to send me to see him. I get that he’s having some personal issues with his sex parts, but really?”

Rochelle snaps her eyes to mine. “Beth, I think there’s a bit more to it than that. Hasn’t he told you that he’s just not interested in having sex?”

“Yes, but it makes me so angry that he won’t even try to be intimate with me. He says that I should be happy with all the other things he does. I just don’t understand. I honestly have no idea what to do with that.” I let out a breath of defeat.

“So, I kept messaging Frank and I’m totally devoted to him at this point. I want to absolutely submit myself to him and do all the things I’ve read about and seen in my research.”

Rochelle sits up straighter in her chair and puts her notebook on the table in front of her. “How long has this been going on and why haven’t you said anything to me? We meet once a week and you have never mentioned it until now.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to think bad of me. It’s been a few months now since we started the sexting part of our relationship. I’m married, I do love my husband, but with all our issues and my self-esteem I’m not sure it can be saved. I need intimacy and to be touched and I get nothing from Chris. I want to stay married to him, but I want what I have with Frank also. He makes me feel special, beautiful, and sexy.”

I take a deep breath, “I was also afraid that you would tell me to stop, and I don’t think I can. It’s something I desperately want. I want it with Frank.” It’s like I’m confessing all my sins to a priest, waiting for the wrath that will be put on my soul.

Rochelle tilts her head and looks at me with soft caring eyes, I can’t see any judgment on her face.

“Have you told Chris any of this? Does he know Frank is a Dominant and you have submitted yourself to him? He deserves to know that. It may help him to understand why it will be hard for you to be intimate again with him, if he gets his issues checked by a doctor.” She has a point.

“You have new wants and desires now. It’s not easy to just turn off a submissive personality. Sure, a submissive can be dominant in other aspects of their life, but when it comes to the intimacy, a true submissive will always want to please their Dom. Are you telling me this is how you see yourself now?”

Her comments make sense to me, and her questions really make me think.

I wipe the remaining tears from my cheeks with a clean tissue and just look at her for a moment. This will be the first time I have admitted any of this to anyone, including myself.

“Yes.” I say looking out the window. “Chris doesn’t know any of this. I don’t think he would approve. He doesn’t like any of the dark books I read. He’s already asked me to stop messaging Frank, but he doesn’t know what that’s doing to me inside.” I say pointing to my heart. “I know I need to respect his wishes if I want to save this marriage, but I have such a deep connection with Frank that I can’t just stop messaging with him. I just don’t know what to do.” New tears begin to trickle out of my eyes.

“First of all, I need you to realize that none of this is your fault alone.” Rochelle has a stern but warm voice. “Chris has to be held accountable for some of this pain. He’s the one who thought that if you were being taken care of by his friend that he wouldn’t have to face his own issues. He was very wrong in that, Beth. He sent you all the wrong signals. He knew what mental state you were in, and he did nothing to reaffirm your worth to him.”

Rochelle hands me another tissue. “Frank also needs to be held accountable for stepping into such a role when you were so vulnerable. I’m not saying that what he did was wrong, I’m just saying that timing could have been better for all of you.” She leans forward and smiles. “I will help you get through this.”

“Thank you. So, what do I do now?” I ask through the sniffles.

“The first thing you need to do is talk to both men. Chris needs to know about the submissive part of you. He needs to understand that’s part of who you are now.”

She leans over and picks her notepad back up and clicks the top of the pen. “Then, Frank needs to know how Chris feels about what’s going on. They have been friends for years as well, so he deserves to know his friend doesn’t approve.”

She scribbles something on her notepad before she continues. “Then I think next week, Chris needs to come with you for our session. You need a safe place to talk to him about the submissive part of you.” Her voice is comforting, soothing the clench in my stomach.

“Ok, I think I can manage that this week. I’m not sure if Chris will come with me or not, but I’ll try to get him here.” I offer a shy smile.

Driving home I go through all the scenarios that are possible with this conversation with Chris. My chest tightens as I pull into the driveway. He’s already home, so I know I need to just dive right into this conversation. I’m scared and nervous. Beads of sweat form on my hairline. My heart is pounding, and my thoughts are racing out of control. What if he can’t handle this and asks for a divorce? What if he says I can do whatever I want with Frank and doesn’t care? What if…. STOP I yell at myself in my head. Just go in there and get it over with while your emotions are all over the place and you have an ounce of courage that Rochelle helped you build up.

Taking a deep breath in I climb the stairs to our front door. Letting out the breath, I open the door with a shaky hand.

“Hi Chris. How was your day?” I say when I see him in the kitchen. I lean to him and give him a quick peck of a kiss on his lips. That’s all our kisses are anymore. I don’t want him to think anything is off right away.

“Fine, busy at work. I hope you are hungry. I made your favorite shepherd’s pie.” He puts the pan on the table and looks at me. I can’t help but smile warmly at him.

He does take really good care of me. He cooks every night because he knows I don’t like to; he makes sure we have all the things we need and most things that I just want. He always manages to get me to laugh, no matter how I feel. He is a good man. That’s what makes this so hard.

“How was your day?” he asks.

“It was ok.” I whisper. “I had a session with Rochelle, so I feel better, but I’m all mixed up,” I avoid looking at him as we sit down to eat.

“Oh, great. Another Chris bashing session.” His fork drops on his plate, and he glares at me. I look up at him, startled by his reaction. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. No, no tears this time.

I sit up straight. I want to sound confident. “No, that’s not what my sessions with Rochelle are. She has helped me see so many things that are wrong with me that I have worked very hard to see myself through. Between my self-esteem and depression, it has not been easy for me. I think I’m doing a pretty good job.” Tension builds in my core.

I take a deep breath. “But today I did confess something to her that I have not told you, yet. She told me I must talk to you about it, but now I’m hesitant to tell you because I know you won’t approve. I certainly don’t want to fight about it. I don’t want you to judge me.” I stop, and gulp for air. My eyes bug out as I wait for his response.

“Really, after 32 years of marriage and two kids, how could you think I would judge you? Just tell me what it is,” his gives me an eye roll as he speaks.

I take a few bites of food and start my confession. “So, I need to tell you something about my relationship with Frank.” My heartbeat accelerates. “I know you told me to stop messaging him, but I need you to know that it’s going to be very difficult for me and why.” The anxiety that’s building up is making it hard to swallow the bite of food I took. “I’m not sure if you know that Frank is into BDSM, and he’s a Dominant,” I move the food around on my plate nervously waiting for some sort of response. He shakes his head and stares down at his plate. I can feel disapproval filling the air. “Well, he has introduced me to that world. Even more, he’s made me submissive to him.” I breathe in heavily and look back down at my plate. “It’s very intriguing to me, and I’ve done research and read books on this lifestyle. I feel it’s something that I want. He’s my Dom.” I take a bite of food to try and hide my nervousness. It has no taste. I look at Chris searching for a clue to what he’s thinking.

He takes a sip of his tea and looks me in the eyes. I can’t read his expression. “Huh,” he huffs roughly. “I have to say that I didn’t see that coming. I knew about Frank, but I never figured you would ever submit to anyone. It does make a ton of sense now though.” He scoffs.

“What do you mean it makes sense now?” I still can’t read what’s going on in his head. I don’t understand how he thinks things make sense. My anxiety is slowly turning to anger.

“The way you’ve been acting, being so desperate to go to him.” He leans back in his chair and throws his napkin on his plate. “I also see now why you’ve been so crazed since I asked you to stop messaging him like that. I know a little bit about the lifestyle too. It won’t be easy for you to turn that off. I understand that. But I seriously didn’t ever imagine you being submissive to anyone.” He runs his hand through his hair and looks away from me.

Remembering Rochelle’s words, I snap back at him. “You can be dominant in all other aspects of your life, but submissive in the bedroom.” Heat rises in my chest as I try and defend myself. “In this case in my fantasies. It hasn’t happened in person, only virtually. This is something that I want, desperately.” I feel as if I’m begging for my life. “If I’m being totally honest, my ultimate fantasy is to have a threesome with him again, with him as a Dom and you in the room with us.” I move the food around on my plate some more, to keep from looking at him. I couldn’t bear it if he had a look of disgust his face or hurt in his eyes. Anxiety creeps back through me for what seems like hours before he has any response.

“Wow. Hmm. I didn’t see that coming either.” He runs his hand down his face. “I’m glad you feel you can be truthful with me, but this is so fucked up.” He looks at me with a coldness in his eyes that I have never seen. “It’s really hard for me to hear all of this, though. You do know that in that lifestyle you have to be a strong couple and in a good place, right?” He leans forward and puts his elbows on the table. “And didn’t you just get done telling Rochelle what an ass I am?” He snorts out a laugh. “What makes you think that we are ready for that kind of fantasy?”

I was not expecting such a rough response. His words are sharp and puncture my lungs. I close my eyes and try to calm the building anger.

“I would never tell Rochelle that you are an ass or any other negative things about you. She knows we have issues in the bedroom but other than that you are a great man.” I take a breath hoping it helps hold off the tears that are about to flow from my eyes.

“You fucking told her we have issues in the bedroom? That’s so personal. How could you do that?” He pushes his chair back, standing up with his hands balled into fists.

“In order to better myself, I have to talk about our main issue.” I feel myself about to say some things I’ll regret. They have to be said. “You don’t want me. You don’t want to touch me in bed. Hell, you don’t even want to talk about sex.” My voice raises, and heat radiates through my face. “You won’t even go to a doctor to see if there’s a serious problem or if they can give you something that may help you want me again.”

He pounds his fists on the counter. “For the love of God. I’ve told you that it isn’t even about wanting to have sex with you. I don’t have the desire to have sex with anyone. I don’t want to take more pills than I already do for my lung.” He starts to pace. I can see the redness in his face, and I know he’s getting angry. “How else can I prove to you that I love you and I want to do whatever you need to save this marriage.”

“I don’t know Chris, maybe you could start by telling me I’m pretty every now and then.” My voice raises an octave. “Maybe you could show that what I need is important too. Then maybe make a doctor’s appointment to see if they have any suggestions. Go with me to see Rochelle next week.” I hope he can hear the desperation in my voice.

“Do something, Chris. Anything would be better than doing the nothing that you have been doing. I’m not sure how much more I can take. We are more like roommates than a married couple right now.”

His body slumps like he’s been defeated. “If that’s what I have to do to save our marriage, then that’s what I’ll do.” His eyes rise to meet mine. “I’ll call my doctor tomorrow. I’ll go with you to see Rochelle.” His voice is low. “I don’t really want that to be a harsh bashing session, though.”

“Thank you. I think that’s an important first step. Rochelle will be there to help guide us through more of this discussion. It won’t be a bashing.” I have my doubts that he’ll do anything he says, but I’ll give him a chance to save our marriage.

“Rochelle suggested that I also talk to Frank. He has to understand your feelings on the situation and figure out what we all do from here.”

“I get that, and I understand. You do what you need to do.” Chris turns away from me. I’m not sure he was even listening to me.

“I also think you need to talk to him too. You guys are friends, and I’m sure he will understand if you just be honest with him. You know he’s going through a lot of things right now. He needs to know that you are still there for him. You both should talk, it might help.” I try not to sound like I’m begging him.

“I will in a few days. It’s a tough situation for me. You were close to cheating on me with him.” He crosses his arms and shifts away from me.

I didn’t think of it that way. “You never said one word after I told you I was sending him photos and videos.” My body tenses as heat crosses my face again. “Hell, Chris, you’ve watched me fuck him in the past. If you weren’t OK with it, you should’ve said something months ago. I’ve submitted myself to him and I don’t think I can stop now.”

“I understand that. I admit I’ve handled this all wrong. I’ve never been OK with any of it. I really thought if Frank was making you feel good, then I didn’t have to. I realize how wrong I was, and I need to own that.”

My eyes open wide, and my mouth drops at his words. “Ok, I respect and appreciate all that.” I start to clear the table. “We have a lot of work to do, huh?” I snort out a laugh.

“Yea, I guess we do. You start by calling Frank.” He turns his back to me and leaves the room.

I toss and turn all night, going over in my head all the things I need to tell Frank. I know we need to talk, messaging back and forth won’t work for this one. I texted him earlier tonight to ask him to call tomorrow. I made sure he knew it concerned him. Now I wait in anticipation, and I go over and over and over the conversation that I don’t want to have. I have to tell Frank that Chris is totally against us continuing to send pictures and videos. I have to find a way to tell him how desperately I want him, but I want to save my marriage, too. I can feel my core heating up just at the thought of being with Frank. And now I have to tell him that it may never happen. I hope I don’t lose his friendship, too. That’s the one thing that will totally crush me.

*****

I’m sitting on the couch the next morning slowly sipping my coffee. The news is on the TV, but it’s in the background, and I’m not paying attention to anything around me. I keep looking at my phone, as if I’ll miss the call. I get up and go to the kitchen for another cup of coffee. Just as I put the pot down, my phone rings. It’s a ringtone that sends a jolt to my core every time I hear it. I take a deep breath and slide the screen to answer his call.

“Hey.” My voice is in a whisper. “How are you?”

“Hey, baby girl. I’m good. How are you? You sounded stressed in your texts. What’s going on?” Concern thickens his voice.

“Yea, a lot’s happened in the last few days, and I’m pretty much a wreck,” I can feel the emotions rise from the pit of my stomach. I try to push them back down. “I’m sorry, I know you have so much going on in your own life and don’t need my added drama. I’m emotional, but I do need to explain what’s going on.”

“Please, baby girl. It’s ok. I’m here for you too. I would be upset if you weren’t emotional.” His voice is calming. “Just tell me what’s going on.”

“I had a meeting with my counselor yesterday. I told her that I had become your sub and that it’s something that I desperately want. She told me that I had to tell Chris everything, including my ultimate fantasy of being with both of you. When I told Chris, we got into a very heated discussion. He finally agreed to go to a doctor about his intimacy issues and that he would go with me to my counselor. But he wants us to stop messaging. I don’t want to stop. I need what we have, but I want to save my marriage, too.” My rambling must sound like I’ve gone crazy.

“Hey, take a deep breath. It’s ok. It will be ok. You know I love you, right? I won’t do anything to jeopardize our friendship.” His words are reassuring. “What exactly did Chris say?”

“He was kind of shocked that I was a submissive, but it made sense because of the way I was acting. He did ask us to stop messaging.” I take a drink of coffee hoping to hold back the tears a bit longer.

“I can’t believe that he would be like that after all this time. I’ll talk to him and get him to understand our dynamics. I’ll let him know that there is no threat to your marriage.” Bitterness edges his voice.

I let out a sigh, “Thank you. I hope that will help. I want you so badly. I will have you at some point. I know that’s out of my submissive role, but I’m telling you that I will experience everything you told me you would do to me. I hope you know how serious I am about that,” I thicken my words with conviction.

“Daddy knows,” I can’t help but smile at his endearment.

“I also need you to know that it’s one of my biggest fantasies to be your submissive while he watches.” I can’t believe I’m telling him this.

“I know, baby girl. I’ll talk to Chris and see if we can make it happen. Until then, we both have to respect his wishes. I know you don’t think you can, but you must try if you want to save your marriage.”

“Ok, Daddy. I’ll do what you ask and what I need to do. But I’ll be checking on you regularly. I care about you in so many ways and I can’t go long without talking to you.” Desperation rattles my throat.

“And that’s fine, baby girl. I need you to do that. But we must adjust how we do that. If you want to work through things with Chris, you’ll do as he’s asking.” His dominant tone sends shivers through me.

“I know, I know. I just don’t understand why I can’t have both.” I sit up and stomp my feet, like a bratty girl.

“You will someday baby girl. But for now, let’s do as he is asking.”

“Ok, for the sake of my marriage and our friendship, I’ll work on it. But it’s going to take time. I can’t just shut this off. He said he understands, I hope you do as well,”

“Of course, I understand. I don’t expect you to turn things off that easily. I know I can’t. You’re a strong desire for me. There is something there, you have to know that.”

“I do now.” My tone softens. “Thank you. I needed to hear that I guess. I do feel better.”

Talking to Frank only made my need for him grow. I was serious when I told him that I would have him. I’m not sure if I’m going to wait for Chris to show he’s willing to work for a marriage that may not be able to be saved. Frank is so loving, caring, and sexy as hell. He’s right there for me to have. Problem is, I want both.