The Black Water

Sal laid in bed, her phone glowing on her face as she swiped left and right on profiles presented to her on a dating app. She had no criteria in particular for her decisions other than her gut reaction. She rolled over on her stomach to go through the messages. At any given time, she had multiple conversations going, She focused on a chat with a guy named Ben. He seemed real enough so far. He hadn't asked for any picture. He was conversing respectfully with her. He had made it clear that, as a trucker, he wasn't around much for a "real" relationship.

He asked if he could meet her the next time he was in town, to which Sal responded yes. She felt the nervous tightness start to build up in her belly. It wasn't an ominous nervousness, but one of anticipation. Maybe she'd need someone to feed her cat for the weekend if things went well.

The fluttering in her belly fell when he insisted he was clean at her request to mutually get STD tests to exchange at the date. Every guy she met up with from any dating app insisted they were clean. She responded that another look under the hood by a good mechanic never hurt anybody, and may even save some trouble in the long run. Ben took to the analogy and agreed to bring test results to the date. She had learned over the last few years that it wasn't so much that most men were sleazy with no concern for use of protection, (although there were those too), but most were afraid to find out there might be something wrong with them. Berating an insecurity did not help the issue.

"Looking forward to getting to meet you," the reply beeped through. "Sweet dreams." She rolled her eyes a bit and realized it likely was the result of men not talking about how to pick up women online that resulted in them all using the same phrases and verbiage. She wondered what online dating would look like if more men would seek out more advice on how to talk to women. She thought about the fast pitch guys that had come across her video feeds giving advice on exactly what to say, when and how as though there was a script to interacting with a human being. Perhaps there is when you're trying to seal a deal, but they certainly weren't giving any advice on how to keep the motor running for a long time.

'Why do I keep doing this to myself?' Sal thought as she placed her phone on the nightstand. Her cat purred and curled up next to her. 'What am I even looking for?' She wasn't sure. She could not define what she wanted in a partner. She couldn't even define what she wanted in a relationship. All she knew was that she had to look. She closed her eyes and deeply hoped that she would know when she found what she was looking for. That something would feel completely right and pull her like a magnet. That she would see it and just know. A few tears slipped out down her cheeks before she fell asleep.

〰

"Ben?" Sal asked as she approached the booth of the truck stop diner where a blonde, blue eyed, husky man sat.

"Sal?" he responded with a nod. He motioned a welcoming gesture to the seat across from him. She slid into the booth, arranging her coat and purse next to her.

"That's a relief," he said.

"What?"

"You look just like your pictures." She met his eyes and he laughed as he fiddled with the menu. "Not a lot of girls look the same in person."

"Yeah?" she acknowledged as he moved his hand to rub the sweat on his water glass. "It goes both ways"

"I suppose it does," he said. A waiter came by reciting specials, took their drink orders, and promised to be back to take the rest of their order.

They exchanged pleasantries and common get-to-know-you questions. Sal found it difficult to catch a cadence with Ben, and so there were more than a few drawn out silences. They both relaxed after the first beers were gone and the food had arrived. Sal studied Ben's face while he talked, and while she was attracted to him, she didn't find herself particularly drawn to him either. He was nice enough, and respectful, though she didn't imagine she would be getting doors held open for her either. Another beer came and went.

"So what's your deal?" Ben asked her as they were both finishing their meals.

"I'm sorry?" Sal asked, meeting his eyes. He looked down at his food.

"You're pretty. You seem smart. Why did you come here to meet me?" She shrugged, tilting her head to the side.

"I am not sure what you're asking," she said, taking a drink.

"Why are you single?" he asked, looking up at her while moving his food around his plate with his fork. She felt the table shaking slightly and realized he was tapping his heel which was causing his knee to bounce rapidly against the table. "I mean, I know what I'm looking for. Why aren't you with someone nice, or something?"

"You mean why am I here to fuck you and nothing more?" He spat some of his drink out, coughing twice.

"That's a way to put it," he laughed. Sal set her silverware down and sat back against the booth.

"I'm here with someone nice, aren't I? Do I need to get my mace out?"

"Well, mostly," he said with a smirk. "I guess, I don't run into a lot of girls, well, any, that are ok with just meeting to hook up and don't want anything more."

"I suppose," she said. "But it's not just about the sex, right? You're talking to me. We've been chatting for a few weeks. There is some social exchange happening here."

"Yeah, but it's not the same for guys," he said. He started to speak, then stopped and took another drink.

"So you're just talking to me as a means to an end? Maybe I am too." The waiter came by and took their plates. He rattled off a selection of pie, which Ben and Sal declined. Ben cleared his throat and then met Sal's eyes.

"Girls...women," he said, "don't typically do that. They have emotions going on. They get attached."

"Everyone has emotions going on," Sal insisted. "Even if you've been taught to ignore them. But I'm not going to get attached and message you every 5 minutes while you're on the road if that's what you're worried about." Sal knew by now that the connection she was in search of was not with Ben. But she did feel like her time with him wasn't over. Not yet.

She had learned over years of dating that men of Ben's age tended to use a different technique than the younger pups. With younger men, the conversation went straight to sex within a few messages. Whether it be raging testosterone, a lack of life experience, or both, there seemed to be little attempt at hiding the purpose of being present on a dating app. Older men like Ben had taken on a strategy that, Sal figured, could turn out to be rather upsetting to most women. They conversed in what seemed like an attempt to make a connection. At times, Sal couldn't tell if it was to determine if the woman was someone they wanted to consider more seriously, or if it was a means to an end. It more often seemed to be the latter. She could see why her dating friends were entirely frustrated by this. It did not bother her because so far, she had never found what she was looking for. For those wanting to connect and stay connected, the process had to be maddening.

"It's not that hard to ghost a chick who does that." That had been the most disrespectful thing Ben had said to her so far. It was toned as somewhat of a brag, like he had done it before, and as a threat, that it could be done to her. She locked eyes with him.

"If there's no feeling in this for you at all, why bother informing me that there isn't?" Ben stared back at her hard, then his gaze seemed to soften and he looked out the window.

"There's someone out there for you," he said. She caught herself from reacting. "I'm just a filler." He motioned the waiter to bring the check. Sal felt like she had completely missed something. She felt like a hot ball had landed in her abdomen when he had said there was someone out there for her. Was that his way of saying 'never mind' about tonight? He had made himself very clear online that he wasn't looking for anything serious because his work took him on the road for most of the year. She had responded very clearly that she was fine with that.

"Are we doing this?" she asked as he gathered his coat and grabbed the tab to take up to the counter. He paused and looked up at her.

"Oh fuck yeah," he stated resolutely.

〰

The motel was close to the diner and truck stop. They showed each other their STD results on their phones as they walked toward the motel. It was cool out. The smell of diesel hung in the air. Semi truck engines whirred. Their breaths hung briefly in the air with each exhale.

"What are you into?" Ben asked.

"Slow, intense, passionate love-making," Sal responded with a grin. Ben laughed, then was silent. Sal looked over at him. She couldn't tell if he was trying to think of something in response or if he was anticipating. She concluded probably both. "What about you?" He laughed again as they approached a motel door and he got a key card out from his wallet.

"Um," he slid the card through the lock, "I'm not sure most women are into what I like so I kind of keep it to myself." Sal raised her eyebrows as they entered the room and removed their coats.

"Try me," she said.

"I don't want to scare you away," Ben responded. Sal laughed, somewhat nervously.

"You don't have a donkey and a guy named Kelly hiding in here, do you?" Sal asked. Ben laughed hard.

"No, God no," he said. Once his laughter died down, his eyebrows furrowed and he rubbed at his jaw. "I, um, I like to do things a little rough." He looked up at her, trying to gauge her reaction. She stepped toward him.

"You want me to be your little bitch?" she asked. "Want me to be your little slut?"

Ben grabbed Sal around the waist and pinned her against the wall facing away from him. He cupped her breasts and breathed by her ear. Sal moaned softly.

"Shut up, bitch," he ordered as he spun her around, then pulled her shirt and bra up over her head. She winced, crying out as her breasts were pulled by the underwire. He put a hand over her mouth as he roughly sucked and bit her nipple. He squeezed the other breast hard, causing her to cry out against his hand. He lifted his head and caught her eyes. He paused there for a moment, maintaining eye contact with her. Sal understood he was checking to make sure she was ok. She nodded against his hand over her mouth and gently bit the inside of his hand.

He grabbed the front of her jeans and moved her in front of the bed. Keeping his hand over her mouth, he undid her fly with the other. He pushed her back onto the bed, pulling off her pants, and then removed his clothes. Sal grabbed onto her breasts, fondling them as he put on a condom. He picked her up around the waist and moved her up in the bed. She cried out as he bit her neck hard.

"I said, shut up," he breathed into her ear as he put his hand back over her mouth. She shrieked into his hand as he thrust hard into her, forcing himself in without lubricating himself first. It hurt, but Sal felt the pain give way as he pounded hard into her.

His breathing came faster as the tempo of his thrusting increased. Sal leaned her head into his hand and the movement caused him to look up. Their eyes met. She maintained eye contact with him, inches from his face, as he came. He gave out a twisted yell and thrust hard and deep into her twice, then relaxed on top of her, breathing gently into her ear.

Sal lay still for a moment. He smelled good, and the weight of his body on hers was comfortable. Ben moved his hand from her mouth and found her hand, interlacing her fingers with his. He lifted his head and looked at her face, then moved his mouth to hers. She felt almost like he was saying thank you with that kiss. He rolled off her to her side.

Then he began to sob. Sal turned toward him and watched his face contort from post-coital pleasure to a fight between trying to keep composure and utter sadness.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I," he coughed from trying to stifle the sobs. Sal was, in her conscious mind, put off by his weeping. She wanted to recoil and wonder if he had forgotten his antidepressants that morning. An instinct in her took over, and she rolled toward him, leaning her forehead against his.

"You can tell me if you need to," she said. He let out a few more sobs before the comfort and acceptance from Sal let him catch his breath, and relax. Tears still were dripping down his cheeks. Ben, without understanding why and not really wanting to, began to explain the reason for his sudden sadness.

"I think," he swallowed hard and put his arm around Sal, leaning her against him, "I think, you know, like I said. Um, most girls. Um, most women, well not that there are a lot, but anyway they're not into the rough stuff and I think you letting me, I didn't realize it would bring up....I did something horrible." Sal took in a calm breath. Part of her wanted to run out of the room screaming, but another, very strong part of her kept her close to him. She looked in his eyes and waited silently, her face calm and receptive.

"I raped someone," he said, tears starting to flow faster down his cheeks. After a few moments of silence, he exclaimed, "Why the hell am I telling you this?"

"Who?" Sal asked, breaking her eye contact, and putting her head on his chest, cuddling with him like it was what they did every Sunday night. She felt him exhale into her hair.

"My girlfriend, in high school." Sal laced her fingers tightly in his hand.

"Tell me about it," she said softly. He took a big breath, her head rising with his chest. "What happened?"

"She used to rub up against me in the halls between class," he said slowly, as though he was riding in a car crashing. "Or during lunch. Or she would just grab me and say the dirtiest things to me in front of our friends. Like, I've been thinking about your balls in my mouth all day, shit like that. We were both virgins, you know, I was a teenage boy. I should have been excited, you know? But whenever we were alone, she would stop me from doing anything more than making out. I would try to talk to her about it and she'd just say she wasn't ready or she was scared. I'd tell her that's fine. I told her though, that the other shit has to stop, that if she's not ready, she needs to quit with the teasing and shit." He let out a long sigh. "Then, one day, we were at a game. She was sitting on my lap and kept rubbing my dick through my pants. I just snapped. She left to go get something from her car. I followed her." He looked down at Sal, who looked back up at him. He had tears coming out of the corners of his eyes.

"You don't have to tell me. Or whatever. Either way, it's ok," she said, moving her face into the crook of his neck.

"I might as well. I've told you enough already." Ben played with Sal's hair as he continued. "You're supposed to be able to stop yourself, you know? When she says no or tells you no at any point. I knew that, but it was so hard. Not like that, I mean, it was like everything up until that point, just came out at that moment. We got to her car and were making out in the back seat, and I just kept going." He turned to face Sal. Sal leaned forward and their foreheads met. "She stopped talking to me after that. Couldn't even look at me. She'd walk around the halls holding a sweater or a jacket pulled around her like she was trying to protect herself. I don't know if she ever told anyone."

Silence lingered between them. Their breaths were calm and steady together. Sal stayed close to him, her eyes closed, imagining all he was saying rushing through her like black river water, then out onto the earth. She imagined the water pouring through her and into the earth's molten core where it evaporated into nothingness. As the moments passed, the river turned from black to brown, then lightened until it eventually ran clear, leaving no residue in her. After some time, she imagined closing herself off to the flowing water. Ben took a sharp breath and opened his eyes.

"I've never told anyone about that," he said, sounding parched. He coughed into his fist, then laughed, looking up at Sal. "Why the hell did I tell you/?" Sal smiled and rolled off the bed. She tossed him one of the complementary water bottles sitting on top of the mini fridge. He sat up and drank half of it while watching her get dressed. "You don't have to leave," he said.

Sal crawled across the bed and kissed him, gently at first, then biting his lower lip before letting go. "I had fun," she said. He grabbed her and pulled her under him, kissing her deeply. She laughed and rolled out from under him, grabbing her coat and putting on her shoes. "I've got shit to do early in the morning, though. Thanks for dinner. Look me up the next time you roll through town." Ben watched Sal go out the door, giving an awkward wave. He sat quietly in bed. He wasn't sure how much time passed as he stared into the dark room. After a long while, he shook his head, put on his boxers, settled under the covers and turned on late night TV.