Prologue
The Imperfect Perfect
What's more to live for?
A life full of shadowed
dark secrets?
The self-loathing and guilt?
How did I even get here?
Maybe you might know the answer to my multiple query, yes you!
I thought I had life all figured out at the beginning:
A perfect family, the best friend, an amazing school and a wonderful community.
Why was I Soo wrong?
I certainly didn't see this coming, no warning, no signs..... Despair!
I was just Nine when mummy told me she regretted having me as a daughter, she could very much abort me. Maybe it wouldn't have hurt the current me but what of the little me? She was just grasping life after the hectic separation of her parents, her new environment with the people looking at her as some outcast. could she really blame them?... Of course not, she didn't understand their native language neither do they understand her but she was really too young to comprehend this much change.
Her little heart was shattered hearing her mother's words but she couldn't confide in anyone, she kept it all in because her father's love keeps her moving or so she thought.
She was 19 when her last hope shattered! Back at school when we read August Wilson's "Fences", I didn't really realized the depth of Cory's hurt when Troy told him, "I've got not to love you, I just gotta be responsible for you".So here I sit, 4am, hearing my dad spit those exact words to me. I felt my heart clenching and my whole life becoming a joke mocking me in the face. But once again I've got no one to confide in!
Even when I dwelled in self loathing, loathing myself for what I did to that child, "God bless her soul". I've been very guilty after that faithful day but who could I tell? My young uncle? The one that pretended to like me? He used me for his sexual pleasures and I tinted that innocent soul. She loves and trust me Soo much but what do I do, I left a huge scar on
her heart, I can't forgive myself for that, how can I?
Hahaha, and you talk of love, how could I love when my past and present have chained me down into her heartless fellow. Even when I thought I found love, it was just an unrequitable love eating my heart slowly away until I give up on love. Even when I found myself a boyfriend, I convinced myself that love will naturally come, but how wrong am I: His concerns are very bodersome and his thoughts are Soo intrusive.
It's now I realized how attached I've become to loneliness but who could I tell?
The irony of it all is, I've been hurt soo many times but I can't find myself to hurt anyone in return so I endure it all, the disgusted looks in my friends face when they found out how boring I am, the pain of not being able to open up to the ones I love because they'll find me unentertaining, the fear of making new friends because they'll also realize who I truly am and lost interest. Mostly, the fear of being vulnerable because I abhor pity and sympathy. I can at least keep those out of my black dictionary.
But am the perfect girl to those who know me, my friends keep me because they see a money bag, some because they see an advisor and others because they are with the girl with the perfect life, the perfect family and upgrading hybe, how sarcastic!
A role model to many, an inspirator, one with no problems, always smiling. If my life have been shattered into Soo many pieces, the least I could do is pick up the broken pieces and mend them together so I can be this beautiful mess for the people around me. Karma is a bitch, I know it has come for me, but to what extent have I hurt to be repayed this way?
Why should I have prayed for death each day in the past because living was hell!?
Why do I feel like a burden instead of a blessing?
Maybe one day I'll find my answers, but until then, qué sera sera!
Don't be sad for me, I've come to terms with my life and have accepted what may come at me. I am stronger than you think, a fighter even because this experience has built me in many different ways I've never imagined. I exist quite fairly on earth after all there's light at the end of every tunnel.
