Chapter 1
Things have changed….to the worst. It’s 1/06/2022 I should be revising for my two exams tomorrow but I’m not. It’s not that I‘m lazy, I’ve never been that lazy person, it’s just that I can’t. I just feel like I’m stuck in a labyrinthe. I don’t know since when I lost myself, my smartness, my energy, my smile, my everything. I just don’t like who I am now, although I do appreciate that at least I am still kind and a bit cultivated, but nothing more.
It just feels like not a storm but more of like a small wave that comes to you and it makes you drown. So you don’t only feel lost but also angry at yourself because that small wave made you weak. This is how I feel. It’s not that I’m not happy, sometimes I am but I do feel the guilt after feeling that happiness, why? because I was not able to truly achieve something to feel happy, that moment would just vanish in the air just like the little wave that made me drown. Everything passes, but with different speed, and that’s what I hate about our psychological systeme, I don’t remember spending days feeling happy, but I do feel the weeks that passed full of sadness. So sadness is too slow, and happiness is too fast. Normal life, average maybe will make me feel stable, but how can I reach that, it just feels like that state is impossible to reach. I’ve never felt that life can be average or normal, well yes that’s the meaning of life, but at least make the speed of its both elements (sadness and happiness ) equal it just feels unfair.
That small wave disappeared in the ocean( to find other people maybe) but I’m still drowning.
