Chapter 1 Does Your Relationship Have to End?
EYES SWELLING WITH TEARS, I looked into my mother’s face and said, “Mom, I need to come back home to stay with you and Dad for a while. My wife and I are separating and I think it is over for good.” Looking into my eyes with love, as if she could see into my soul, she said “Son, marriage is never easy; are you sure there is nothing you could do to salvage your marriage?” Trying to hold back the tears, I explained that we’d been to marriage counselors and personal therapy but at the end of the day, life had been so miserable that I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown.
As I stood there trying to articulate the many problems my wife and I were going through, an enormous sense of guilt hovered over me. There I was, a minister, who delivered pastoral counseling to others but was unable to keep my own marriage intact. I had preached sermons on maintaining a strong marriage built on God, prayer, trust, openness, and commitment yet the reality of my crumbling marriage was glaring at me in the face.
My wife and I tried a few more times to reconcile but the wounds were too deep for either of us to see through the pain in order to make amends. We ended up in divorce court, solidifying our place as one of many failed marriages that lacked the fortitude to make the relationship work.
I’m convinced that if my ex-wife and I would have nurtured intimacy for each other by trying new ways to stay connected on a spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical level, we would still be married. Through the hurt and bitterness caused by a struggling marriage, we forgot that the power rooted in love was a choice and the commitment was the glue that holds it all together. Choosing to love and staying committed is the impetus for finding ways to develop, nurture, and maintain intimacy in a marriage.
Please don’t misunderstand me; not all relationships are meant to last. Some relationships are very toxic and destructive towards all involved. Some marriages suffer tremendous obstacles when a partner is abusive or struggles with drug addictions. Some couples face the open wound of adultery while others are diminished through a partner reaching his or her maximum tolerance level then walking out of the marriage. For whatever reasons that contribute to the demise of a relationship, one must realize that divorce is like a death. You lose part of yourself and destroy what was once created by you and your partner.
My opinion is that most relationships are salvageable. I believe people give up too quickly because it is easier to throw in the towel than it is to endure heartaches, pains, fears, and uncertainties that come out of a struggling relationship. My earnest belief is if couples have the fortitude to work together in mutual love and respect, the rewards found on the other side are priceless.
I hope you read this book with zeal to foster abiding intimacy with your significant other. This is my prayer.
